-- Scene 01–

[[SFX: Three chimes sound over the Mall’s PA system before the following announcement]]

TRAINEE MALL ANNOUNCEMENT: Hey citizens of Brimstone Valley Mall. It’s two AM which means it’s time for another hourly reminder of how disappointed I am in all of you. Seriously. If I have to stay up all night worrying about the fate of the mall because you all are incapable of handling this like adults, then you do too. XOXO - no love, Trainee

[[SFX: fade to the employee parking lot in the middle of the night, crickets chirp, a train whistles somewhere in the distance, Nisroch struggles with arts and craft supplies]] 

NISROCH: [struggling] Ugh, just tear. Along. The perforation! That’s what it’s there for! 

[[SFX: ripping paper]]

NISROCH: AAGHh! Stupid paper! Stupid notebook! Stupid gel pens! Stupid stickers and stupid glue stickers and-

[[SFX: The mall door opens, ASMORAIUS enters]]

ASMORAIUS: Nisroch! I’m here to answer your-…. Oh. Um. [starts to giggle which builds into full blown laughter]

NISROCH: Stop it. Stop. Don’t laugh at me! Don’t laugh at me!

ASMORAIUS: Oh this is the most adorable thing I have ever seen!

NISROCH: I am not adorable!

ASMORAIUS: Oh, you’re cuter than an onion in a cocktail!

NISROCH: AAAGGHHH!!

[[SFX: craft supplies rattle around as NISROCH struggles]]

ASMORAIUS: Oh, you’re covered in glitter and googly eyes, Nisroch! When you told me to meet you in the employee parking lot in the dead of night, I didn’t know what to expect, but I have to say not even my spectacular imagination could have landed on this!

NISROCH: Will you just help me? Please? I accidentally glued my cigarette between my fingers! 

ASMORAIUS: Alright alright. Calm down. Here. Do you have tweezers? 

NISROCH: Yes, over by the scented markers.

ASMORAIUS: Excellent. Well let’s start by getting these rhinestones out of your eyebrows.

NISROCH: [groans] This was a mistake.

ASMORAIUS: So. What pray tell is all this about? Why does it look like you’ve raided a Staplers?

NISROCH: Because I did raid a Staplers. I needed stationery supplies, and I just… I don’t know. I’ve never done this before. 

ASMORAIUS: Done drag? Also stay still-

NISROCH: What? No, of course I’ve done drag, that’s not what I- Just. After what happened yesterday, when everyone sort of…

ASMORAIUS: Blew up at each other, broke off friendships, then stalked away swearing never to see the likes of anyone ever again?

NISROCH: Yeah, that.

ASMORAIUS: Well. That’s just the music industry, baby. 

NISROCH: Well, after that happened, I realized that-

[[SFX: Mall rumbles]]

NISROCH: Satan. It’s getting worse.

ASMORAIUS: Oh absolutely.

NISROCH: Like really really bad.

ASMORAIUS: Mmhm. The Dismal Store completely caved in a few hours ago.

NISROCH: Wait really? That-that awful store with the terrifying rodent mascot?

ASMORAIUS: First off his name is the Miserable Mouse and second of all he’s a facist. But yes. Ceiling completely collapsed. The storefront is just rubble.

NISROCH: Probably for the better, I always thought Miserable Mouse characters were a little… I mean- Okay, so one of them is his dog- is his dog- and the other one is also a dog, but that one talks?

ASMORAIUS: I try not to think about it. Luckily no one was hurt. All of the plushies of Piteous Princesses softened the blow. 

NISROCH: This is why I asked you to come out here.

ASMORAIUS: To… Soften the blow? Is this one of your attempts at an innuendo? It could use some work. And also, you know I’m a hard blower. Also also, I’d have to talk to Trent first, and he’s sleeping now-

NISROCH: No, no, not that. I… I need you to help me make these invitations. I know everyone hates each other right now, but we don’t have time to sit around and be angry about this. The mall is crumbling faster and faster, and it won’t be long until we all have to either get out, or go down with it. And judging by the size of that ledge, we are not getting out any time soon.

ASMORAIUS: [gasps] Unholy Moly, when did that huge cliff get there?

NISROCH: That isn’t a cliff, Asmoraius. We’re in a hole. 

ASMORAIUS: But I couldn’t even climb out of that! With a big ladder! Oh, of all the holes I’ve been in-

NISROCH: We’re all gonna get holed- I mean, screwed if we don’t stop yelling at each other long enough to fix this!

ASMORAIUS: But you love yelling!

NISROCH: Yes I do love yelling. And being right. But I’m going to fix this the only way I know how. 

ASMORAIUS: Lack of volume control? Long winded insults? General intimidation?

NISROCH: No. I’m a chef, Asmoraius. I’m going to cook. And I need your help.

ASMORAIUS: Clearly you do. You have sequins in your ears. Let me just get that one by the way.

NISROCH: Yes please get that. Thank you. I need your help making these invitations. I want to invite everyone… to a brunch.

ASMORAIUS: A brunch.

NISROCH: Yeah. 

ASMORAIUS: Everyone.

NISROCH: Yep.

ASMORAIUS: The whole mall.

NISROCH: Uh huh. 

ASMORAIUS: The whole mall that wants to kill each other right now.

NISROCH: Exactly.

ASMORAIUS: Sitting down to brunch. 

NISROCH: Yes. 

ASMORAIUS: Together. 

NISROCH: Yes, and-

ASMORAIUS: I’m in! Oh, I love brunch! This is a brilliant idea. Nothing brings demons together like breakfast food at lunchtime on the weekends!

NISROCH: Yes! Exactly! I was thinking if everyone just sat down for a second, over a nice meal, maybe they’d stop screaming at each other long enough to come up with a plan to save the mall. Maybe they’d see we’re all on the same side here.

ASMORAIUS: When do you want to do this? 

NISROCH: Tomorrow?

ASMORAIUS: Well! Then we better get started!! 

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS picks up the crafting supplies and with kung fu precision and impossible speed starts flipping through paper, cutting, pasting, and drawing to create the invitations]]

NISROCH: Woah. Lucifer’s Lips, you’re fast at this. 

ASMORAIUS: Just wait till you see my calligraphy work. I can fit at least three secret dragons drawn in every sentence.

NISROCH: Oh uh- and put them in this bag when you’re finished with them. 

[[SFX: NISROCH plops a large duffel bag in front of ASMORAIUS]]

NISROCH: Also, uh- Thank you for helping me, Asmo. It’s nice to know you have my back. Even when everyone hates each other.

ASMORAIUS: Oh darling. You know I’m team Nisroch all the way. 

NISROCH: Hah. Yeah. I’m really very lucky for that. … Darling.

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS stops crafting, a small awkward pause and then they speak at the same time.]]

ASMORAIUS: Oh satan nope. That was uncomfortable, I’d like if you’d refrain from that word I think, forever—

NISROCH: EW GROSS Oh No no no no I take it back I take it back, I take it back, it only works when you do it—

NISROCH: I will never do that again. Sorry. I just wanted you to know you’re a really great friend.

ASMORAIUS: You too, darling.

NISROCH: Yeah, that’s definitely your thing.

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS finishes the last of the invitations]]

ASMORAIUS: As is this! Ta da! Done! Personalized invitations for each and every demon of Hell, asking them to come to brunch in the food court tomorrow at 2 for a magnificent feast for no specific reason!

NISROCH: That was so fast! How did- wait, did you say 2? As in 2pm? Isn’t that kind of late for brunch?

ASMORAIUS: Oh honey, any brunch before noon is just masochism. And not in a sexy way. Now let’s get these handed out so you can get started on the menu!

NISROCH: Oh I have so many ideas already.

ASMORAIUS: Let’s hear them. I’ll just get this bag-

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS struggles to lift up the bag of letters and immediately drops it back onto the gravel]]

ASMORAIUS: Oh! Oh no. That is heavy. I won’t be carrying that.

NISROCH: I’ve got it.

[[SFX: NISROCH lifts up the bag]] 

ASMORAIUS: Great! Then I’ll get the door.

[[SFX: Footsteps as they make their way towards the mall]]

NISROCH: So I was thinking we’d start off with Eggs Benedict.

ASMORAIUS: Benedict? You mean that human who came into the mall the other day thinking this was an actual goth convention?

NISROCH: Yes, him.

ASMORAIUS: Excellent start.

[[SFX: Mall door opens]]

NISROCH: And then after that, we’d have a light course of Mark Chops.

[[SFX: Door closes behind them]]

-- Scene 02-- 

[[SFX: Inside Gadget Hut, machines chug away in the background as BELZAGOR hammers something. The door chimes as ASMORAIUS enters]]

BELZAGOR: Go away.

ASMORAIUS: Well, so much for a stealthy entrance.

BELZAGOR: Why are you trying to sneak up on me?

ASMORAIUS: I’m not sneaking. Just quietly and gracefully-

BELZAGOR: What do you want?

ASMORAIUS: Oh, someone is touchy.

BELZAGOR: Yeah! I am. What else is new? 

ASMORAIUS: That’s a fair point-

BELZAGOR: You called my song “cookie cutter nu metal!”

ASMORAIUS: Well you accused me of using auto-tune when you know I’m a demonically trained bari-tenor.

BELZAGOR: Do you know how hard I worked on my song? 

ASMORAIUS: You’re not the only one who worked hard! Trent and I spent all day on our masterpiece just for you to say it sounded like “Shania Twang’s worst day in the bathroom”.

BELZAGOR: At least you had someone to write your song with. I had to do mine by myself. 

ASMORAIUS: No you didn’t! You could have worked with any of us! We’re in a band, remember? I think Xaphan would have been more than happy to-

BELZAGOR: Don’t even start with that. Xaphan and I... It’s complicated.

ASMORAIUS: It certainly doesn’t seem complicated to me.

BELZAGOR: What would you know? Why are you even here, Asmo?

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS unzips a bag and pulls out the invit

ASMORAIUS: I’m here to hand deliver you a beautiful invitation to brunch that I personally made myself personally! See? Yours has little papercraft gears on it! Yay!

BELZAGOR: You- [softer] what?

ASMORAIUS: And when you pull this side, it shoots out tiny googly eyes from this tiny origami cannon!

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS pulls the tab, the invitation makes a comical honking noise and shoots out a puff of air and a handful of googly eyes which fall to the floor and roll around]]

ASMORAIUS: Tada!

BELZAGOR: That’s- Asmo that’s actually really cool, can I see that?

ASMORAIUS: See? I knew you’d like it.

BELZAGOR: How did you get the eyes in the breechloader?

ASMORAIUS: Wouldn’t you like to know.

BELZAGOR: I’m sorry, Asmo. I’m—ugh. I’m a mess right now.

[[SFX: Mall rumbles]]

ASMORAIUS: You and the rest of us, honey.

BELZAGOR: I’m sorry I called your song derivative, under-structured, and overall gloopy.

ASMORAIUS: Well. I um. Didn’t know about those last two, but. Apology accepted. I’m sorry I told you your zip-off pants look like they were made in a factory that produces rubber flip-flops.

BELZAGOR: Wait, I don’t remember you saying that.

ASMORAIUS: So—what’s going on with Xaphan? Did she tell you that she’s in love with you?

BELZAGOR: You knew already?

ASMORAIUS: Oh, Belzagor. We all knew that already. She’s been asking everyone in the mall for advice. Like actually every single demon that’s not you.

BELZAGOR: Uggh- of course she is. It’s just. [groans] This is all kinda hard to talk about. 

ASMORAIUS: I think I can help make it easier. What’s this over here on the shelf?

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS walks over to a shelf near BELZAGOR]]

BELZAGOR: That’s my prototype for a 4D Printer. So you can print and smell movies.

ASMORAIUS: Perfect.

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS throws it on the ground and it smashes into a bunch of tiny pieces]]

BELZAGOR: HEY!

ASMORAIUS: There we go! Now you have something to fix while we talk. 

BELZAGOR: Why did you- ?! Yeah you’re right that actually sounds kinda nice. Gimme that. I can fix it over here at the workbench.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR picks up the pieces and they both walk over to a workbench, BELZAGOR tinkers, putting the machine back together under the remaining dialogue]]

ASMORAIUS: Alright. So. What happened?

BELZAGOR: Xaphan likes me. 

ASMORAIUS: And?

BELZAGOR: And, you know, that’s a problem.

ASMORAIUS: Is it?

BELZAGOR: Well yeah! This could… This could ruin our friendship! 

ASMORAIUS: Do you like her?

BELZAGOR: I… I don’t know. I like being around her. She’s always asking questions about what I’m making, and she actually cares about the answer, and she remembers everything. And she’s so… funny. And honest. And weird. And fun. And like yeah duh she’s hot, I mean have you seen her arms? But like. I don’t know if I like… If I can like her right now. If I can like anyone. You know?

ASMORAIUS: I’m a lust demon, I quite literally do not know.

BELZAGOR: Ugh. It’s like. I don’t wanna trust someone like that right now. Not after Hornblas.

ASMORAIUS: Ah, so this is about Hornblas.

BELZAGOR: No. I think. At this point. This is about me. 

ASMORAIUS: That’s the spirit!

BELZAGOR: It’s not a good thing, Asmo.

ASMORAIUS: Oh right. Well-

BELZAGOR: I don’t know how you do it. You and Trent just picked up right where you left off. He came back, you forgave him, and boom! You were over it!

ASMORAIUS: Woah woah woah. Slow down. I have not forgiven Trent. And I am not over it. Honestly, me? Over something? Did you forget who you were talking to?

BELZAGOR: Hah. Maybe I did.

ASMORAIUS: I’m absolutely obsessed with Trent. That will never change. But he nearly got all of my friends turned into brainless heavenly zombies. Not even loving someone makes you forget something like that overnight.

BELZAGOR: So how do you deal with it? How can you stand to be around him?

ASMORAIUS: Well, first off, the sex is great.

BELZAGOR: Okay yes, besides that.

ASMORAIUS: Like really really really great.

BELZAGOR: Asmo.

ASMORAIUS: But I also know that if I ever want him in my life again, I need to give him the chance to prove himself, and show he can grow from his mistakes. I can still be mad. Oh, he certainly knows that. But bit by bit, he’s been showing me his true colors. And I like them. 

BELZAGOR: Asmoraius, you hate color.

ASMORAIUS: I mean, yes I prefer black, but there are some colors that are starting to grow on me. Blood red, deep magenta, robin’s egg blue… The point is. How are you ever going to stop being mad at Hornblas, if you don’t give him the chance?

BELZAGOR: I don’t know how. I’m just so mad.

ASMORAIUS: I know. Baby steps Belzagor. Look at this 4D Printer you’re fixing. If you look at the whole thing, it’s completely broken and useless. 

BELZAGOR: Yeah, you did that.

ASMORAIUS: Who, me? Ha. Yes oh well. Now instead of looking at the whole mess, think: how do you fix it?

BELZAGOR: [sighs] I pick up one piece at a time. I figure out where it belongs, and I put it back in place. Then I pick up another one. And keep going until it’s fixed.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR snap the last bit into place, and the printer whirrs back to life]]

ASMORAIUS: Hey, that looks better.

BELZAGOR: It’s not a perfect fix. The loading cartridge was too busted so I swapped it with the internal mechanism from an automatic toothpaste dispenser, which will work for now. It won’t eject the aerosol spray as well, but hey. It runs. And maybe I’ll add to it later so the scent concentration will be higher to begin with.

ASMORAIUS: Right, exactly. So you get it now.

BELZAGOR: Get what?

ASMORAIUS: The metaphor!

BELZAGOR: This was a metaphor?!

ASMORAIUS: I- you... Yes, of course! How did not pick up on-? You know what, never mind, never mind. 

BELZAGOR: So wait is the metaphor that I need to have no feelings? Like an unloaded aerosol  cartridge?

ASMORAIUS: No. Belzagor. This machine is like your relationship with Hornblas. How is he supposed to fix it if you won’t even let him get close enough to pick up the pieces? How can he make it up to you when you won’t even talk to him? 

BELZAGOR: Ohhhh. Oh, I get it. 

ASMORAIUS: Whew, Satan. Well we got there.

BELZAGOR: So that means… My relationship with Xaphan is like a slushie. 

ASMORAIUS: What?

BELZAGOR: I like slushies. I really really like slushies. But, it’s like I have a headache! 

ASMORAIUS: I… Sure whatever makes sense for-

BELZAGOR: Which means Hornblas was like a 4D Printer, that smelled so bad it made me nauseous. So I couldn’t like slushies! Because it smelled too bad, and my head hurt!

ASMORAIUS: I- What?

BELZAGOR: I totally have it figured out! I get it! Asmoraius this is so helpful! Thank you!

ASMORAIUS: I think the end bit got a way from me there, but hey! You’re welcome! Now come to brunch and we can stop the mall from-

[[SFX: Mall rumbles]]

BELZAGOR: Oh right that.

ASMORAIUS: Yeah that’s still happening.

BELZAGOR: Need help delivering these invitations?

ASMORAIUS: That would be lovely actually.

BELZAGOR: I can help. I know a guy, and he’s really fast.

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 03-- 

[[SFX: Three chimes sound over the Mall’s PA system before the following announcement]]

MALL ANNOUNCEMENT: Good Morning Brimstone Valley Mall Citizens. I know like, nobody’s talking to each other right now, but like. If you heard that extra big rumbling last night, which I’m sure you did because it was, like, SO scary, it caused a cave in. The Dismal Store is just a big pile of rubble now so ummm don’t try to go in there. Oh also there’s now a big crack now above the entrance to Spaghetti Warehouse so maybe eat somewhere else? It’s weird in there anyways. That’s all for now. XOXO - Trainee

[[SFX: Inside Borderline Personality Bookstore, XAPHAN flips through a book, slams it shut.]]

XAPHAN: No.

[[SFX: XAPHAN tosses the book, picks up another, flips through the whole book]

XAPHAN: No.

[[SFX: XAPHAN tosses the book]]

XAPHAN: Useless!

[[SFX: XAPHAN picks up another book, flips through it]]

XAPHAN: STUPID.

[[SFX: XAPHAN tosses the book harder, flips through another book, slams it shut]

XAPHAN: NOTHING!!

[[SFX: XAPHAN throws the book with more effort over the bookshelves, it hits TRAINEE in the distance]]

TRAINEE: OW! Hey! Who threw that? 

XAPHAN: It was I.

TRAINEE: Xaphan? Like, where are you?

XAPHAN: Aisle 6!

TRAINEE: By the self help books?

XAPHAN: Not that it matters. [takes a deep breath] Not that any of this matters. None of it has the information I seek. Even Asking Gargle did nothing to quell my-

[[SFX: Footsteps as TRAINEE approaches]]

TRAINEE: O-m-s Xaphan this is like, super depressing.

XAPHAN: [sighs deeply] Hello, Comrade Trainee.

TRAINEE: You can’t just like throw books all around like it-

[[SFX: XAPHAN throws a book, TRAINEE dodges it]]

TRAINEE: WOAH! OKAY. Chillax for like two seconds! You’ve emptied almost that whole shelf!

XAPHAN: [breathing heavily] None of these books are helpful. I feel- betrayed by knowledge?

[[SFX: XAPHAN picks up another book and flips through it]]

TRAINEE: Oh I am, like, so not emotionally equipped to handle this intensity of feeling at my young age. Hi. Okay. Xaphan? Xaphan, as your Comrade, I am ordering you to like… Get a grip girl.

XAPHAN: [a little unhinged] But I don’t wanna get a grip, girl! She literally ran away from me! And it- [inaudible blubbering] Maybe this book will tell me.

TRAINEE: No. No! Xaphan. Stop! Put it down!

XAPHAN: No! What if it has the answers to my heart pain?

TRAINEE: That’s The Evanescence Piano Songbook, that’s not going to help you- wait why is that in the self help section-

XAPHAN: WAKE ME UP INSIDE WAKE ME UP INSIDE CALL MY NAME AND SAVE ME FROM THE DARK-

TRAINEE: Listen, babe. I’m sorry things didn’t work out with Belzagor. But, like, it’s gonna be okay! Sometimes there are, like, no answers-

XAPHAN: I tried to find a book about what to do when you are heartbroken-

TRAINEE: And you’re not even listening to me.

XAPHAN: How long does heartbreak last? Where do all the feelings go? What do you do when the world is literally crumbling around you. None of it is answered here. I’ve learned now that knowledge doesn’t help. The only thing that helps your heart… [inhales sharply] is to live.

TRAINEE: Um… Okay. What does that mean exactly?

XAPHAN: I KNOW WHAT I MUST DO!

TRAINEE: Oh, good that’s a relief. I definitely had no idea where I was going with-

XAPHAN: I MUST BURN THE BOOKSTORE DOWN. 

TRAINEE: WHAT?

XAPHAN: IT IS FALSE AND KNOWLEDGE IS A LIE. I AM GOING TO BURN THE BOOKS NOW!

[[SFX: She flicks open a lighter]]

XAPHAN: Excuse me.

TRAINEE: Wait, Xaphan! No! Obviously don’t do that!

[[SFX: The flame whooshes as TRAINEE tries to wrestle the lighter away]]

XAPHAN: I MUST FEEL ALIVE TRAINEE, AND IT’S THE BOOKS’ FAULT I AM LIKE THIS!

TRAINEE: Xaphan! STOP IT. Belzagor wouldn’t want this!

XAPHAN: BELZAGOR doesn’t want ME! [starts sobbing loudly]

TRAINEE: OKay okay that’s it. Give me the lighter. Give me the lighter!

[[SFX: TRAINEE closes the lighter]]

TRAINEE: As your Comrade, and friend, I think we should, like, hug it out and- 

[[SFX: XAPHAN very quickly pulls TRAINEE up into a big squeezy hug with her arms]]

XAPHAN: HUG! O MY COMRADE!!

TRAINEE: [choking] XAPHAN. XAPHAN. I CAN’T - I CAN’T - STOP- I CAN’T BREATH. I CAN’T-

[[SFX: XAPHAN lets TRAINEE down, TRAINEE gasps for air]]

TRAINEE: Xaphan? That. Was. Awful.

[[SFX: The door chimes as DEMON 4 enters the store, running]]

DEMON 4: Oh no oh no oh no oH NO OH NO - [suddenly chill and friendly] Oh! Hello Comrade Trainee and Xaphan, Keeper of Knowledge! You seem to be having a moment.

TRAINEE: I think I just like, blacked out.

DEMON 4: Sounds fun! Anyways, these invitations are for you from Nisroch.

XAPHAN: Who are you?

DEMON 4: It’s me! You know, the guy always running around going “oh no oh no oh no” 

XAPHAN: Oh. Him. Oh- You.

DEMON 4: Anyways, See ya! Gotta deliver the rest of these invites! OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO! 

[[SFX: DEMON 4 runs away screaming, the door chimes as he exits]] 

XAPHAN: Thank you, Trainee. But I’m not sure that one hug was enough to quench my sadness.

TRAINEE: Well we’re going to have to think of something else because I don’t think I’ll survive that again.

XAPHAN: It did help though. For a moment.

[[SFX: she opens the invite]]

TRAINEE: What’s this invitation for?

XAPHAN: It’s from Nisroch?

TRAINEE: I’d say Asmoraius, by the look of it. Like, look at those curly q’s. 

XAPHAN: Oh-

[[SFX: A large popping sound as glitter goes everywhere. XAPHAN sneezes, sending the glitter flying]]

XAPHAN: Ah. [gags] Ugh, Glitter-bomb. [reading] Your attendance is requested at a hell-wide brunch hosted by Nisroch, the Head Chef of Hell, in the food court at 2pm. 

TRAINEE: 2pm? I’ve had, like, two meals already today.

XAPHAN: I cannot go. I’m not hungies.

TRAINEE: Hey, hey. Hungie or not, this might be good for you.

XAPHAN: But Belzagor will be there!!

TRAINEE: And I’ll make sure you don’t sit next to each other! I’ll, like, stand in between you and Belzagor so, like, you don’t have to even be reminded of her existence.

XAPHAN: I suppose-

TRAINEE: And, don’t you think suffocating your feelings with breakfast wieners is a better option than, like, suffocating me?

XAPHAN: You are trying to placate me with wieners, and it has been successful. 

TRAINEE: Yes!

XAPHAN: I wish to put a hoodie sweatshirt entirely over my head and follow you to the food court without saying anything to anyone or being acknowledged. While humming. 

TRAINEE: Nice. C’mon

[[SFX: They walk out of the store, the door chimes]]

XAPHAN: [sighing sadly] Reverse knock knock.

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 04-- 

[[SFX: In Weiner World, NISROCH, DAMIEN and RAVEN are cooking. We hear chopping, bubbling, slicing, etc]]

NISROCH: Damien? Damien, how many fingers are in the fryer? I think the eggs need more time in the oven. Those I made specifically for Vlad the Inhaler, those and the pancreas cakes have to be perfect for him and everyone else! Raven?... RAVEN!

[[SFX: NISROCH dings the order bell aggressively]] 

RAVEN: Like, what?

NISROCH: Has anyone arrived yet?

RAVEN: Not unless you count the demons sleeping in the rafters.

DAMIEN: Ugh, but aren’t they, like, always there?

RAVEN: Yes, Damien. That’s like the point. 

[[SFX: The mall rumbles]]

NISROCH: [whimpers] It’s getting worse. Where is everyone?

RAVEN: Nisroch, demons are like never on time for anything. You know that. 

NISROCH: Well, we have to be ready to serve and seat everyone and anyone the moment they arrive!

RAVEN: Ugh, I hate this outfit even more than the usual uniform. Like. Why the tuxedo? And why does the weiner hat need a tuxedo too?

NISROCH: For the last time, it’s brunch! And not only is it brunch, it’s possibly the most important brunch I’ve ever served! 

[[SFX: The mall rumbles]]

RAVEN: Yikes.

NISROCH: Damien!

DAMIEN: [gasp] I didn’t do it, chef!

NISROCH: Didn’t do- wait what did you think I was talking about? 

[[SFX: The mall rumbles and creaks]]

RAVEN: These rumbles are, like, really close together.

NISROCH: Damien, why does that tongue tostada look naked?

DAMIEN: Woah, what? It’s supposed to have clothes?

NISROCH: No you idiot, it’s supposed to have sauce! Special sauce!

DAMIEN: I don’t like, think we have any special sauce. 

[[SFX: NISROCH opens the fridge and fumbles through bottles]]

NISROCH: Well we can’t serve tostadas without special sauce, that is just not right!! 

RAVEN: I think we ran out a few days ago? 

[[SFX: NISROCH unties their apron]]

NISROCH: Well, that is unacceptable! Hold my apron. I’ll be right back. Don’t burn anything while I’m gone!

DAMIEN: Where are you going?

NISROCH: To check the fridge in Spaghetti Warehouse. There’s gotta be more sauce there. 

RAVEN: But it’s like SO rumbly out there!

DAMIEN: Yeah do we even need the special sauce?

NISROCH: Of course we need the special sauce! This brunch has to be perfect! The fate of the mall depends on it! I’ll be right back, don’t do anything stupid!

[[SFX: NISROCH leaves through the swinging door]]

DAMIEN: Okay bye Nisroch!!

RAVEN: We love you!!

NISROCH: [far off] Stop SAYING that!

[[SFX: Food bubbles away in a pot]]

DAMIEN: Do you, like, really think this brunch will save the mall?

RAVEN: Brunch can fix most things. It fixed my parent’s marriage.

[[SFX: The mall rumbles]]

DAMIEN: Okay wait. Tell me everything.

RAVEN: So it all started when my dad said he wanted to start a farm-

[[SFX: Swinging door slams open as XAPHAN and TRAINEE walk in]]

DAMIEN: Xaphan! Trainee!

XAPHAN: [lackluster] Knock knock.

RAVEN: Nice hoodie.

TRAINEE: Yeah, she’s trying to be invisible because Belzagor is gonna be here.

RAVEN: Oh that’s like, totally fair. I’ve been there

XAPHAN: I was told there would be wieners. 

DAMIEN: Oh, there’s gonna be, like, so many breakfast wieners. 

TRAINEE: See Xaphan? It’s gonna be fine. Do you guys need any help setting things up, we saw some demons on the way over and I think folks are gonna be here soo—WOAH!

[[SFX: The mall starts REALLY RUMBLIN, dust falls from the ceiling. The rumbling continues to shake the building during the following dialogue. The characters yell over the din]]

RAVEN: Um… GUYS?!

DAMIEN: I DON’T LIKE THIS!

XAPHAN: Stop it, mall!! STOP IT!!

TRAINEE: I DON’T THINK THE MALL CAN, LIKE, HEAR YOU XAPHAN!

[[SFX: A large CRACK in the ceiling, everyone shrieks]]

RAVEN: DAMIEN! LOOK OUT!

[[SFX: A large hunk of ceiling falls and lands in the fryer; sizzling]]

DAMIEN: The ceiling is in the fryer! Nisroch is gonna be so mad-

TRAINEE: We have got to get out of-

[[SFX: The entrance caves in, they all scream again]]

RAVEN: Oh no!!

DAMIEN: We’re trapped! 

RAVEN: [wailing] We’re gonna die!

XAPHAN: No you’re not! I’m going to lift the wall! Stand back, teens!

[[SFX: With a screech, XAPHAN lifts the wall up high enough for the teens to get out underneath]]

DAMIEN: Xaphan, you’re like SO STRONG!

RAVEN: Like your ARMS are WOW!

XAPHAN: [strained] GO! HURRY UP. I CANNOT. HOLD IT. MUCH. LONGER.

TRAINEE: Let’s go let’s go let’s, like, go!

[[SFX: The teens run through the opening, the mall continues to rumble, XAPHAN  grunts and strains as she holds up the wall]]

TRAINEE: [calling from the outside] Xaphan! Xaphan, come on!

XAPHAN: I CAN’T!

DAMIEN: XAPHAN

RAVEN: GET OUT OF THERE! Come on, let’s all help her-

[[SFX: A large hunk of ceiling falls between XAPHAN and the rest, blocking her way out. TRAINEE, RAVEN, and DAMIEN’s voices are muffled as they call out to XAPHAN from the other side of the cave in]]

TRAINEE: Oh SHIT!

DAMIEN: XAPHAN! We can’t get to you! 

RAVEN: We’re gonna go get help!

[[SFX: DAMIEN and RAVEN run off to get help]]

TRAINEE: Xaphan!! Xaphan can you, like, hear me?

XAPHAN: It’s okay, Trainee! Ah! It’s -It’s too late. Coming- coming to the mall was the best thing that ever happened to me!

TRAINEE: Xaphan? Can you hear me? We’re gonna get you out of there!

[[SFX: The rumbling of the mall continues, XAPHAN strains against the weight]]

XAPHAN: You’re all my best friends. And I have learned so much. I wouldn’t change anything. I wouldn’t change anything! Goodbye!

[[SFX: A large THUD as Xaphan releases the wall she’s been holding. The mall rumbles violently as the remainder of Weiner World caves in]]

TRAINEE: [crying] Xaphan?! Oh no, No!

[[MUSIC: Outro - Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song plays over credits]]

-- CREDITS -- 

KRISTEN DIMERCURIO: Demons and Mortals alike, thank you for listening to Brimstone Valley Mall. This show was written and directed by Kristen DiMercurio, hey! That’s me. It was co-written by Mark Wolf Roberts and Talia Rochmann. This episode was sound designed by Mischa Stanton, and recorded by Phil DiMercurio and Evan Chambers. Featuring performances by: Regina Russell as Trainee, Bex-Taylor Klaus as Nisroch, Susannah Wilson as Belzagor, Isa Braun as Xaphan, Mark Wolf Roberts as Asmoraius, B. Dave Walters as Hornblas, Chris Trindade as Trent and Damien, and Carpasinus, and Jordan Cobb as Raven

Additional voices by: Lyn Rafil

Our theme music is written and performed by FM Buller. Our show art is designed by Talia Rochmann. Brimstone Valley Mall is produced by Kristen DiMercurio. Associate producers: Lyn Rafil, Mischa Stanton, and Bex Taylor-Klaus

For news, fanart and more, you can follow us on twitter at bvmpod, and facebook, instagram, and tumblr at brimstonevalleymall.

Also a huge thank you to our indiegogo supporters. We’re looking at you: 

R W, Rachael Hoard, Rion Hunt, rakulen, Rayce Buford, Rebecca Brutus, rebecca.gelernter, Rebekah B., Reid Glass, Reuben Eadon, Reyna Bray, Roger Ratana, Roisin O Neill, ruschadc, Sadie Jackson, Saif alshamsil, Sam Ee, Sam Hodgson, Samantha Töpfer, Sara Helff, Sarah Goldstein, Sarah Mehra, Sarah Shachat, Sarah-Jean Lindsay, Savanah Riker, Sean Berlemanl, Sean Linen, and sellis1989

And as usual, huge thank you to: 

AmeBot2038, Antigone Brickman, Ari Rochmann, Axel Kennedy, Barbara Klaus, Bethany Gorka, Cameron Lochrie, Carol Wolf, Caroline Claudino, Cassandra Shay, Curtis Dibrell JR., Dani Sakaida, De.annaell, Eleanor Hyde, Elizabeth Baquet, Etrigan, Gigi Watson, Halen Dean, Hallie Casey, Harold Porter Melcher, Hedge, James Woods, Jean DiMercurio, Jeff Chaney, JJ Ellis, Julian Ceipek, Katie Touart, Kinsey Wilson and Margaret Low, Marina Cerame, Meghan Utz, Melissa Hernandez, Nathaniel Gibson, Olivia Juniper, R. Scott Creighton

RamRot, Randy Lovings, Rebecca Gates, Rees Schofield, Rhiannon Cooper, Samuel Schwimmer, Sara Shanahan, Savvy Cornett, Stephanie Tully, Taj Chawla, Temmy Silver, Travis Reaves, Victor Casados, Vijay Srivastava, Vincent Z, and Wacky-D

Now head on over to the food court, because today’s Weiner World Special Is: Tracheal Cannoli, with pistachio!