-- Scene 01--

[[SFX: In Borderline Personality Bookstore, TRAINEE sits at the PA announcement system]]

TRAINEE: Okay. You got this girl. Like, breathe from the diaphragm. Do your warmups. [she makes insane actor warmup sounds for way too long. Including singing a scale to the lyrics “I bite the heads off puppies, and their warm blood drips all over my new shoes”] Okay.

[[SFX: TRAINEE presses a button on the PA system, three chimes sound and she is now live. Her announcement echoes through the mall]]

TRAINEE MALL ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention Citizens of Brimstone Valley Mall, this is President Trainee, here to let you know that on Thursday night the Cyber Frontiers club will be meeting in the “Asmoraius and Trent’s Sensual Arcade Emporium and Internet Cafe” for some- Oh I can’t say that- uh, collaborative wolf blogging! They’re always looking for new members so be sure to stop by for a sniff! Love you! XOXO - Trainee

[[SFX: TRAINEE presses the button to go off the air. The door chimes and XAPHAN’s footsteps thud on the carpet as she sprints into the store]]

XAPHAN: Comrade Trainee!

TRAINEE: Oh, hey comrade.

XAPHAN: [out of breath] I came as fast as I could-

TRAINEE: Wow! Oh- wow. I didn’t peg you for a howlin’ keyboards kind of demon, but, like, sure if you wanna-

XAPHAN: Nononono it’s not about that. I think. I know how to save the mall.

TRAINEE: So this is not about the collaborative wolf blogging? 

XAPHAN: I mean, yes okay. I am also interested in collaborative wolf blogging.

TRAINEE: Okay cool cause I thought it would be like really cute way for those folks to connect and find community with like minded de-

XAPHAN: Do you have the grimoire?

TRAINEE: Oh, you mean that demon book from Splinters that we used to summon you in Raven’s basement that one time? O-m-s do you remember that? That was, like, so crazy.

XAPHAN: Yes I remember. It was terrible.

TRAINEE: Okay but, like, you got bagel bites out of the deal so-

XAPHAN + TRAINEE: Worth it.

XAPHAN: Okay, I need that book.

TRAINEE: Yeah it’s around here somewhere. Hang on let me, like, look. 

[[SFX: TRAINEE rummages under piles of books and papers, mumbling to herself]]

TRAINEE: Um… Hmmm… It’s definitely somewhere. Um, why do you need it?

XAPHAN: Well, I was talking to Hornblas in Keytars and More, when we both uh… Well, we-

TRAINEE: You had an emotional heart to heart about Belzagor that resulted in the two of you playing music together and bonding over your shared vulnerability?

XAPHAN: No! Wait, wait, yes. How did you know that?

TRAINEE: I kinda had, like, a feeling, y’know? Like you said you were gonna go talk to him and I was like “you know what I bet they’re gonna have an emotional heart to heart about Belzagor that results in the two of them playing music together and bonding over their shared vulnerability.” It just felt like that kinda day.

XAPHAN: You’re such a good president.

TRAINEE: I know! It’s, like, so nice to be good at something! Oh! Here it is. 

[[SFX: TRAINEE plops the big dusty book down on the desk with a thunk]]

TRAINEE: Wow, how did this get dusty it hasn’t even been like that long-

XAPHAN: LET ME SEE!

TRAINE: Oh-okay!

[[SFX: XAPHAN pushes TRAINEE aside and starts hungrily flipping through pages and mumbling to herself breathlessly]]

TRAINEE: So, like, what are we looking for exactly?

XAPHAN: I need to read the entry about Hornblas. 

TRAINEE: Oh, so you guys are like, besties now?

XAPHAN: Don’t worry. I don’t like him as much as I like you.

TRAINEE: That’s right! Girl code!

XAPHAN: But after experiencing the sweet sweet release of expressing our emotions through music-

TRAINEE: We love a jam sesh.

XAPHAN: Hornblas’s powers came back!

TRAINEE: [gasps] What? Hang on I feel like you really buried the lede there. So like, we’re saved?

XAPHAN: No. His powers only came back a little, but it’s a start! So I said to him “Wow, it must be nice to have such a special power like that” And he said [imitating HORNBLAS] “Y’know, dude. It’s not that special. Like humans can do it too.”  

TRAINEE: That impression is uncanny. You should consider doing standup.

XAPHAN: Eh, I prefer to crouch. But it got me thinking, we don’t actually know anything about his powers or how they function! As Belzagor always says: [imitating BELZAGOR] “To fix a machine you need two things: One: a slushie; two: the full context of how the thing works, who made it, and most importantly why.”

TRAINEE: Xaphan, that one was even better! Seriously you could be like, a voice actor or something-

XAPHAN: AH! Here! Here here here! [reading from the book] “Hornblas, Demon of Summoning, is a special case, as he is the only demon who can summon other demons- blah blah blah blah blah, I know that, I know that, - whose sole purpose in Hell is to act as a living teleportation device deployed by Satan to bring demons before the inner sanctum for civil acts in hell, i.e. Hell Jury Duty.”

TRAINEE: Hell Jury Duty? What could make jury duty more Hellish?

XAPHAN: I’ve heard it was actually really fun! Every Hell Day, the Hell Jurors pulled Hell Tickets at random to see who would act as the Hell judge’s Hell gavel.

TRAINEE: Huh. Figures.

XAPHAN: This drawing doesn’t look like Hornblas at all! Is this his demonskin? Is he completely made of brass, with [gasps, counting on her fingers] One, Two, Three valves on his… 

TRAINEE: Oh yeah, you should see the drawing it has for you. Yknow, your arms are much more impressive in real life.

XAPHAN: I DON’T WISH TO KNOW. [takes a deep breath] It doesn’t say anything about where his powers came from, just the timbre of his blah blah blah. Oh! “He is also known for having a beautiful singing voice, as he was created to be Moste Pleasing.” Hmm… So surely music is key to his powers. But how, exactly? 

TRAINEE: Maybe, like… Oh, I don’t know. Check the index?

XAPHAN: [gasps] YOU ARE A GENIUS! Music, music- m, m - music, music- [clicks her tongue] Aha! Okay: music, re:power, page 666.

[[SFX: She flips to the correct page]]

XAPHAN: Oh- okay. “Music is a powerful focusing agent in all aspects of the supernatural, from its ancient history as the originating Word of the Almighty” blah blah blah, “It is said that you can even”- Oh. Oh!

TRAINEE: What? What is it?

XAPHAN: Trainee. I think I know how we can save the mall.

[[SFX: XAPHAN promptly closes the Grimoire shut]]

TRAINEE: Books for the win!

XAPHAN: Oh I’m so happy! I want to BE a book! [suddenly intense] With thick pages and a tasteful, fragrant leather exterior- 

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs begins under the dialogue]]

TRAINEE: Okay let’s reel it back. Just a little.

XAPHAN: No, you’re right. I like having arms.

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs swells]]

-- Scene 02--

[[SFX: Fade to the mall food court where a large crowd is gathered. A megaphone screeches and TRAINEE begins to speak through it, cutting through the chatter]] 

TRAINEE: Thank you all for coming to this emergency food court meeting!

NISROCH: What is this about? I have food to prepa-

[[SFX: The mall rumbles]]

TRAINEE: Do you really have to ask or-?

NISROCH: Okay, that’s fair we all know what this is about.

ASMORAIUS: Aw, so no orgy?

BELZAGOR: Wait, who told you that this was an orgy?

ASMORAIUS: No one, just wishful thinking. It is a Tuesday, and plus it’s been so long since we were all together in the nude.

TRENT: Hey! Sorry I’m late! Oh, uh, am I not late? Everyone’s still clothed.

HORNBLAS: Nice referee costume. 

TRENT: Asmoraius said we were meeting up for an orgy, and I figured we’d need someone to make sure everyone stays safe and follows the rules-

TRAINEE: Everyone listen up! 

XAPHAN: [stage whispers to TRAINEE] Get on the table. It’ll make you taller.

TRAINEE: Oh, good call. Here, hold the megaphone. Don’t press the red button.

XAPHAN: [with gravity] Oh no. Why- why would you do this to me?

TRAINEE: You can handle it.

[[SFX: The furniture creaks as TRAINEE climbs onto a table]]

TRAINEE: Alright, demons. So. Like. We know what is causing all the rumbling! And it turns out, it’s you!

[[SFX: The crowd gasps]]

DEMON 1: Hey, I only ate a Bean and Teeth burrito that ONE TIME, the rest of them were totally not me!

TRAINEE: Gastronophillius, please. Anyways, this is the largest gathering of demons to ever happen on Earth. It has caused the evil density to be too high. Which is, like, why the mall is now sinking back down toward Hell, and if we don’t do something about it, it will be crushed as it passes through the Earth’s crust, with all of us inside!

[[SFX: The crowd wails and murmurs with worry]]

TRAINEE: But do not be alarmed! Don’t do it. Stop it.

[[SFX: The last wailer shuts up]]

TRAINEE: Xaphan, our Finder of Books and Recommender of Titles, has discovered a solution buried deep in this very legitimate grimoire! And the answer is-

DEMON 2: MORE CREAMED CORN!

DEMON 3: UNDERSTANDING OUR FEELINGS?

ASMORAIUS: NUDEY TUESDAYS?

TRAINEE: No. Stop that. It’s Music!

[[SFX: The crowd groans with disappointment]]

HORNBLAS: [gleefully[ Alright! Hell yeah, I was gonna say music!

TRAINEE: Xaphan, please share the passage with our citizens.

XAPHAN: Can I use the megaphone?

TRAINEE: No. 

XAPHAN: Right. Citizens of Brimstone Valley Mall! The grimoire reads thus: “Should a non-mortal–angel or demon alike–wish to seek an audience with a higher or lower power, they must do the following: Compose and perform a SONG of such worth, such artistic prowess, such meaning and magnitude, that it will bring forth both Satan and the Big Guy Upstairs into their current plane, where they may confer with these deities, face to glorious face.”

ASMORAIUS: So what does that… mean exactly?

BELZAGOR: It means if we write the best song in the universe we could talk to Satan and-

TRENT: God? 

[[SFX: The crowd makes angry noises, some demons hiss]]

TRENT: Oh, sorry, my bad. Forgot where I was for a second. That’s a yellow card for me. 

[[SFX: TRENT flips up a card]]

NISROCH: If we could talk to them, like directly, maybe they would fix everything! We could ask them to put things right! Put all the demons back in Hell and all the angels back in Heaven and things could just go back to the way they were!

HORNBLAS: No, better yet, we should ask them to make it so no one has to do their bidding anymore! No more sincoins, no more battle between good and evil. We should ask them to set us free.

BELZAGOR: Oh, yeah. [with deep sarcasm] That whole idea worked so well the first time you tried it. How do we know they’d go for it?

HORNBLAS: We won’t know until we try! And with the power of music, anything is possible! We could get the band back together! Mall Rat, playing the most important gig of our lives! A song to save the mall! To change the world! Oh, this is too good.

ASMORAIUS: I’m in. But what’s the song, gang?

XAPHAN: Well, the Grimoire says we have to compose it ourselves.

HORNBLAS: [laughing] Even better!

TRAINEE: That’s why we’ve called this emergency meeting. Xaphan and I have conferred, and based on my extensive experience doing group assignments as a high school senior, I believe it’s in our best interest to split up into writing teams of two or three demons. In twenty four hours time, we’ll meet back here and perform our songs for one another. We’ll, like, select the best song, and have Mall Rat perform it to summon the deities to hear our plea! 

[[SFX: The crowd murmurs their approval]]

ASMORAIUS: Sounds doable to me! These nimble fingers haven’t written a song in ages!

TRENT: But how do we pair off? Do I get to write with Asmoraius? I’ve never written anything before!

TRAINEE: I literally don’t care. Decide amongst yourselves. But remember, we meet back here in 24 hours with our musical masterpieces! Xaphan, the megaphone please.

XAPHAN: Ooo- can I press the button?

TRAINEE: Not yet. 

XAPHAN: [strained groaning]

TRAINEE: [Through the  megaphone] The fate of the mall rests on your shoulders! Pull from every creative bone in your weird demonic goth bodies and create a song to, like, save us all! Are you ready? On your mark! Get set! Like, WRITE! Okay press the button now.

[[SFX: XAPHAN squeals with laughter and presses the red button on the megaphone which goes bwa-bwabwabwabwabwa! I’m sorry I can’t think of a better way to describe this]]

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 03 --

[[SFX: In the kitchen of Weiner World, food bubbles on the stove as NISROCH is tenderizing meat against the counter. HORNBLAS rings the bell at the delivery window]]

HORNBLAS: Hey, I’ve got an order out here for one talented demon who’s a menace with a pair of drumsticks.

NISROCH: Hello Hornblas.

HORNBLAS: You get it? Drumsticks?

NISROCH: I get it.

HORNBLAS: Cause it’s-  Cause it’s a food? And you’re a drummer?

NISROCH: I was a drummer.

HORNBLAS: Oh, and now you’re just a bummer?

NISROCH: Hahaha look at that, he can rhyme.

HORNBLAS: Yeah well, we’ll need it. If we’re gonna write the best song in the universe.

NISROCH: We?

HORNBLAS: Yeah! You and me. Like old times!

NISROCH: Don’t you have somebody else you’d rather write with? Belzagor or Asmoraius?

HORNBLAS: Nah, they’re all coupled off already. Which means…

NISROCH: Oh, that I’m your last pick for a writing partner. No. Absolutely not. I am not your table scraps. Oh, see? Look, another food joke for you. 

HORNBLAS: What? No! That’s not how it - I mean okay it’s a little like that. But you’re also a very talented musician, and I think we should-

NISROCH: No.

HORNBLAS: Well geez why don’t you tell me how you really feel-

NISROCH: I’m busy.

[[SFX: NISROCH tenderizes the meat a little harder]]

HORNBLAS: Are you? There’s no customers out here-

NISROCH: I need every second I can spare to prepare for the next rush. You know that the moment those demons get sick of writing their stupid little songs, they’ll all come crowding around here begging for food. If I don’t prep now, then I won’t be able to keep up with orders-

[[SFX: A bang as HORNBLAS pushes through the swinging door and enters the kitchen]]

NISROCH: Hey! Uh-Uh! What are you doing? I did NOT say you could step foot in my kitchen-

HORNBLAS: Nisroch, since I’ve gotten back to Earth, the only thing I’ve seen you do is cook, and whine about not having time to do anything but cook. 

NISROCH: [sputters] That’s not true! I also um- I checked on you in keytars and more!

HORNBLAS: Where you sent the teens to babysit me so you could get back in the kitchen.

NISROCH: I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I am running-

HORNBLAS: [imitating NISROCH] “The entire food court for all the demons of Hell”, yes I know! We all know! But if you work with me, if we put our heads together, our song could put an end to all of this! No more mouths to feed! No more-

[[SFX: The mall rumbles]]

HORNBLAS: No more… that! We could change things, forever!

NISROCH: Well what if I don’t want to change things?

HORNBLAS: Y- you don’t?

NISROCH: Maybe things should stay this way! Did you consider that?

HORNBLAS: [scoffs] No! I didn’t. Nisroch, look at you. You’re miserable!

NISROCH: I’m always miserable. Why change now?

HORNBLAS: Well. I mean. The mall is literally crumbling. 

NISROCH: Let it.

HORNBLAS: With you and everyone you know inside it?

NISROCH: I don’t care.

HORNBLAS: Dude. What happened to you? You’re… different.

NISROCH: Well one of my souls got suffocated under an ass-

HORNBLAS: Come on, no that’s not it. There’s something else. I mean, you’ve always been a downer, yeah, but now? You’re so… I don’t know. Defeated.

NISROCH: [sighs] Well. I got what I wanted. And it turns out I’m still miserable. So. Yeah. For me, there’s nowhere to go from here. I’m just. This is the way I am.

HORNBLAS: [slowly starts to chuckle, then fully laugh, cracking up]

NISROCH: What?

HORNBLAS: [keeps laughing]

NISROCH: What?! Am I funny to you? So glad you find my misery entertaining!

HORNBLAS: Nisroch that was the most dramatic thing I have ever heard.

NISROCH: Well I’m glad you’re having fun with my existential crisis.

HORNBLAS: [still laughing] It’s so dumb.

NISROCH: Did you come here just to bully me?

HORNBLAS: Nisroch. Listen to yourself. It’s like you’re saying, “Hm. Turns out I don’t like corndogs, guess I’ll never eat any food ever again!” 

NISROCH: No, it’s… No it’s not!

HORNBLAS: Yes it is! Just because you don’t like being the head chef for all of Hell doesn’t mean that you don’t like everything. You’re not doomed to be miserable for the rest of your practically immortal life!

NISROCH: But I am a Gluttony Demon! This is literally what I was made for! 

HORNBLAS: That doesn’t mean anything. Belzagor is a Sloth demon! She started making gadgets that would make her life easier, and now she spends all day inventing things! She’s like the least lazy demon in existence! And Asmoraius! He’s a Lust demon who fell head over heels in love with an angel! And Xaphan! Xaphan is… Well I don’t really know what her deal is-

NISROCH: None of us do.

HORNBLAS: Well, the point is that none of us are very good at what we’re supposed to be. And that’s when you move on to find something else. There’s so much more to do in this world, Nisroch. 

NISROCH: But cooking for others is what I’ve always done. 

HORNBLAS: That doesn’t mean it’s what you’ll always do. What if today you’re a songwriter? A drummer? A hero who saves the mall from collapsing in on itself?

NISROCH: [skeptical] Why are you giving me this pep talk? 

HORNBLAS: Because I’ve finally learned that I can’t change the world by myself. So I’m trying something. See? You have to just- just pivot.

NISROCH: Ooh, I-  I don’t know if pivoting is for me. What if just turn sort of really really slowly instead and feel it out as I go?

HORNBLAS: You know what man? Sure. That works too. What do you say? I brought the keytar.

[[SFX: HORNBLAS plays a quick electronic sounding riff on the keytar]]

HORNBLAS: And demons don’t need to eat anyways. So take the day off and let’s just really really slowly… turn. Together. 

NISROCH: Well, a day off does sound nice.

HORNBLAS: There we go. Clear those cutting boards!

NISROCH: And I do have my drumsticks right here.

[[SFX: NISROCH pulls a pair of drumsticks from the wooden knife block on the counter]]

HORNBLAS: Wait do you keep those in the knife block? 

NISROCH: Of course, where else? And my saucepans are perfectly tuned, too. 

[[SFX: NISROCH bops a couple of hanging pans with their drum sticks]]

HORNBLAS: [laughing] Damn dude. Have you always been this cool?

NISROCH: Yes. No one believed me. Now, let’s do it. Let’s… take the day off.

HORNBLAS: Haha! YES!

-- Scene 04--

[[SFX: Back in the Borderline Personality Bookstore cafe, TRAINEE presses a button on the PA system, which chimes three times. She’s now live, and her announcement echoes elsewhere in the mall]]

TRAINEE MALL ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention Citizens of Brimstone Valley Mall, this is President Trainee, a little reminder for your writing sessions: always make sure to resolve your tonic one chord to a minor seven diminished seventh! It, like, sounds great and definitely not backwards. That’s all! The fate of all of us depends on this song, but like no pressure! Have fun! Love you - XOXO Trainee.

[[SFX: TRAINEE goes off the air, and sighs with exasperation as she slumps into her office chair. The door chimes in the distance as DAMIEN and RAVEN enter]]

DAMIEN: [calling out] Hello?

RAVEN: Damien shush! This is a library you can’t yell in a library.

DAMIEN: Again, there is a difference between a bookstore, and a library. 

RAVEN: Okay, but I literally don’t believe you.

TRAINEE: Hey guys.

DAMIEN: Trainee! There you are! Woah. When did the cafe get so… official looking.

TRAINEE: You like it? Xaphan and I have been, like, sort of slowly converting it into my headquarters/office.

RAVEN: O-m-s look at all these charts and maps! See Damien? Library.

DAMIEN: It’s, like, so official. Wait, is that where the word office comes from?

RAVEN: It probably comes from that latin word orificium which means hole.

DAMIEN: Aw Trainee! This is like your own personal hole!

RAVEN: Slash library!

TRAINEE: [sighs wistfully] Yeah. I’m, like, gonna miss it.

RAVEN: Girl what was that sigh about. If you need help redecorating, I’m, like, really good with a staple gun.

DAMIEN: She is, how do you think I got this piercing? 

RAVEN: He fainted and threw up but it was worth it.

TRAINEE: Did you guys, like, need something? Aren’t you supposed to be trying to write the best song ever?

RAVEN: That’s why we’re here, dummy.

DAMIEN: Yeah, we wanna write a song with you!

TRAINEE: Oh. I don’t know if I’m really like the person to write with. My, like, heart’s not in it. 

DAMIEN: Listen, we’re emo now. We get it.

RAVEN: But feeling bad is like a central pillar of emo-ism! 

DAMIEN: Yeah, you like, take what’s making you sad, and you use it.

TRAINEE: Thanks guys, but I don’t know if my sadness is gonna be that useful. I just. I really like being the president of the mall! I feel proud, and confident. Like, everybody respects me and listens to what I say. It’s like, hard work, but I really like it. And I don’t wanna go back to being just, like, a normal teen. Y’know?

RAVEN: You’d be a normal demon teen. Which is, like, way cooler.

DAMIEN: Yeah, take it from us. You get to be, like, yelled at by Nisroch, or yelled at by Mammon, or yelled at by Nisroch again.

RAVEN: And bitten by furbies!

DAMIEN: Woah okay wait when did our lives get so shitty? 

TRAINEE: See that’s, like, what I’m talking about! I don’t want to be an underling! And honestly, I’m actually really good at this. Like according to the most recent census I put out, most demons’ quality of life has improved since they came here! And that’s saying something! They’re refugees living in a mall for Lucifer’s sake! 

DAMIEN: Well, maybe if we all go down to Hell you can be, like, the president of Hell!

TRAINEE: Okay but that’s like literally the Devil’s job.

RAVEN: You could, like, fight her for it.

DAMIEN: [gasp] JUST LIKE IN KICKBLASTERS: RETURN OF THE IRON TOE!

TRAINEE: Thanks guys, but I don’t think I wanna fight Satan herself. Plus, Xaphan says she’s actually, like, pretty nice. It’s okay. I know I don’t have much choice. The mall is gonna sink if we don’t get everyone out of here. I just wish there was another way. 

RAVEN: [singing] I wish there was another way! This was never my price to pay! 

DAMIEN: Woah. Raven. That was weird. Are you, like, okay?

RAVEN: I’m inspired, Damien! This is such good emo song material! Trainee, I can’t, like, help you fix your problems cause they’re like, huge, no offense.

TRAINEE: None taken.

RAVEN: But I do think we could write like the world’s best most heartbreaking song about your huge problems.

DAMEIN: O-m-s YES, I love this big problem energy! 

[[SFX: Electric synth notes ring out as Damien plays on a synth board]]

TRAINEE: Woah, wait what is that?

DAMIEN: My synth board.

TRAINEE: Where did you get that?

DAMIEN: I brought it.

TRAINEE: Okay, like. I can do this. 

RAVEN: We can do this.

TRAINEE: If I can’t be president of the Mall, the next best thing I can do is, like, help save it. Let’s get to work!

RAVEN: [singing again] I can’t be your ruler, but I can be your savior! 

 DAMIEN: Oh yeah. This is gonna be good. 

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 05--

[[SFX: In the Arcade/Internet Cafe. It’s mostly empty, just ASMORAIUS and TRENT at the bar]]

ASMORAIUS: Sing, my angel of music!

TRENT: [groans] Asmoraius, that was only funny the first three times you said it.

ASMORAIUS: I beg to differ. Now sing, let’s hear it!

TRENT: [not singing] Babe, I feel a little silly.

[[SFX: Fabric ruffling as TRENT moves around in a big poofy dress]]

ASMORAIUS: Nonsense! You look great in that dress. Just like the real Christine in the longest running show on Broadway, Ghoul of the Matinee!

TRENT: Oh, not the costume. It’s gorgeous. I meant me standing on the bar. Can I be your muse from the floor? This feels unsanitary.

ASMORAIUS: But it is necessary! The sizzling, electric magic of inspiration could strike at any moment! But she is a fickle beast! We must set up the perfect circumstances for her to grace our presence! Oh! I know what we need! Harpsichord! Everybody loves harpsichord. Where’s a harpsichord?

TRENT: Can we just, like, talk this out for a second?

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS futzes with the bar lights and decor]]

ASMORAIUS: And perhaps we should lower the candelabra a smidge. Hm. And perhaps adjust the drapery over here, yes- 

TRENT: Asmo. I’m nervous.

ASMORAIUS: Oh darling, stage fright? There’s no need for that, it’s just little old me! I promise I’m not… Okay no, I was about to say “not judgemental about these things”, but in reality I’m “an unrelentingly scathing critic with a perfectionist love for his craft!”

TRENT: I don’t have stage fright. Ugh, how do I put this? Okay. Let’s say we do write the best song ever.

ASMORAIUS: Which we will. Inspiration requires positive thinking and manifestation, darling. Wait hold still right there I’m just going to adjust this light.

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS runs over to adjust a spotlight, which he points at TRENT on the bar]]

TRENT: Okay so when we summon the deities- 

ASMORAIUS: Turn to the right a little? You have such a  gorgeous profile for the stage, darling.

TRENT: And they put everything back to normal-

ASMORAIUS: Yes yes yes, and we save the mall. Wait, please. Could you hold this chalice? Just for me? 

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS runs over and puts a heavy chalice into TRENT’s hand, then he continues to readjust the lighting]]

TRENT: Um. Sure. I just. I’m a little worried that you and I might. Um. Get separated? 

ASMORAIUS: Now tilt your chin slightly down. Why do you think that, Trent?

TRENT: Well, If everything goes back to how it was, then I’ll be sent back up to Heaven, and you’ll be sent down to Hell. And we’ll never see each other again! 

ASMORAIUS: That would only happen if Hornblas’s plan fails.

TRENT: I don’t know if that was really a plan, it sounded more like wishful thinking.

ASMORAIUS: Listen, I’ve met Satan, she’s actually very reasonable, if not a little threatening, but I’m sure she’d hear us out. If we don’t want to go back to the way things were, I’m sure she’d be amenable to a new world order. I mean, how hard could a new world order be?

TRENT: It’s not her I’m worried about. 

ASMORAIUS: Then who are you worri- Oh. 

TRENT: Yeah.

ASMORAIUS: But. Isn’t “The Big Guy Upstairs” supposed to be all good and nice and stuff? I thought that was the whole deal.

TRENT: I’m um… I’m not sure how to say this, to be honest. But in terms of leadership they’re… a little um… Hands off?

ASMORAIUS: You haven’t met them? At least once?

TRENT: Okay you can’t tell anyone this, but um- 

ASMORAIUS: Oh I love juicy secrets. Wait, before you tell me this, hold this extremely fragile amphora in your other hand. 

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS hands TRENT the large pottery]]

TRENT: Um. This is a little heavy.

ASMORAIUS: Now balance on this pedestal!

TRENT: Asmo… okay.

[[SFX: The pedestal creaks as TRENT steps on it]]

ASMORAIUS: Now point your toes, lift your knee, adjust the wig, and - GO! Tell me the secret!

TRENT: No one has seen or heard from God in like a really really really long time!

ASMORAIUS: [gasps] WHAT?

TRENT: D’oh! I really shouldn’t be telling you this but- woah wOAH WOAH!

[[SFX: The mall rumbless, sending TRENT tumbling off the bar with a yell as all the accoutrement crashes and shatters to the floor around him]]

ASMORAIUS: TRENT!

[[SFX: TRENT coughs in the pottery dust]]

ASMORAIUS: Are you alright my clumsy cherub? Oh- come here! Oh sweet precious thing-

TRENT: Yeah, just landed on my wingbone a little weird.

[[SFX: Feather ruffles]]

ASMORAIUS: Why didn’t you do the wing flappy thing?

TRENT: Fly? Good question. I guess I’m a little out of practice. There’s no Heaven gym down here and without a Bowflex I’ve been losing alot of my scapular tone.

ASMORAIUS: Well we’ll have to get out to the parking lot so you can fly a few laps. Or maybe up to the roof? Xaphan told me she found a way up there once. 

TRENT: Uh, I think we have more pressing issues than my workout routine.

ASMORAIUS: Ooh, but your capitulous tone is very important to me!

TRENT: [laughing a little] Thanks babe. I love you.

ASMORAIUS: And I love you. And of course I’m worried about us getting separated. But what choice do we have? Either the mall sinks and we all burn to a crisp, or we do our best to  convince the powers that be of… a better way forward. 

TRENT: You’re remarkably hopeful about this.

ASMORAIUS: Learned that from you, you big lug. Was it hard losing you once? Of course. Was it hard learning to trust you again after your incredibly dramatic betrayal?

TRENT: [chuckling] It wasn’t that dramatic-

ASMORAIUS: Yes! It was. But seeing the way you push through, carry on, proving your love and blah blah blah Well, it’s beautiful. It’s life changing, It’s… well, it’s downright sexy.

TRENT: Oh, I know that look. Asmoraius.

ASMORAIUS: [innocent] What? You mean… this look?

TRENT: We can’t get distracted, sugarbuns. We need to write the song, remember?

ASMORAIUS: And we have until tomorrow morning for that. I think I just found a new source of inspiration. Plus the lighting is so good right now...

TRENT: You know, maybe we could do with a little creative boost.

ASMORAIUS: Mmm… I think somebody needs a wing massage.

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar plays a few soulful chords]]

-- Scene 06 --

[[SFX: Fade to Gadgethut, machinery can be heard whirring around in the background]] 

BELZAGOR: Okay, ready?

XAPHAN: Ready!

BELZAGOR: Hit middle C on my mark.

XAPHAN: I don’t know which one that is.

BELZAGOR: The one in the middle that says C.

XAPHAN: Got it!

BELZAGOR: I’m plugging it in in 3…2… 

[[SFX: BELZAGOR plugs in the electric xylophone, it whirrs to life]]

BELZAGOR: Now!

XAPHAN: MUSIC!!! 

[[SFX: XAPHAN bangs a metal mallet onto the xylophone with a soft ding, but is immediately electrocuted. She squeals in pain amongst the sound of static electricity]] 

BELZAGOR: Oh shit!

[[SFX: BELZAGOR turns off the xylophone, XAPHAN sizzles]]

BELZAGOR: Are you okay Xaphan?

XAPHAN: That one was a little stronger than the last one.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR starts fumbling around in her toolbox to fix the xylophone]]

BELZAGOR: Ugh! I don’t understand why it’s not working! Sorry for uh… Shocking you. Again.

XAPHAN: No, it’s fine! I’m getting a little used to it actually. 

BELZAGOR: It did sound better though! We’ll build a rockin’ electric xylophone if it’s the last thing we do, Xaphan! No band member left behind!

XAPHAN: HELL YEAH- WooH! [she stumbles, suddenly dizzy] Oh, I need to sit down for a second.

BELZAGOR: Oh. Sure! Uh here take a load off while I tinker with this. I have some uhh cardboard boxes? 

XAPHAN: Perfect. 

[[SFX: XAPHAN collapses, relieved, into the pile of boxes, we hear BELZAGOR soldering cables on the xylophone under the following dialogue]]

BELZAGOR: I know this is taking us longer than we thought, but I’m actually having a lot of fun with you. Y’know, minus you getting electrocuted like fourteen-

XAPHAN: Fifteen.

BELZAGOR: Fifteen times. 

XAPHAN: Anytime! It’s for the music.

BELZAGOR: It’s just that. No one has ever taken so much interest in my inventions before.

XAPHAN: I love - to watch you work.

BELZAGOR: Yeah, but it’s different! Like Hornblas used to hang out while I built stuff, but I don’t know, you actually want to be a part of the process? 

XAPHAN: I love! - to help.

BELZAGOR: But you’re so cool about it! Like when you looked up the joint mechanics of python jaws so we could recreate that unhinged-gaping-maw look on some of the furbies-

XAPHAN: I love! - to learn.

BELZAGOR: I just love hanging out with you. We make a good team!

XAPHAN: Yeah. We do. 

[[SFX: BELZAGOR stops tinkering and sets down her tools]]

BELZAGOR: Wanna take a break and get a slushie? We can swing by Wiener World and grab you a corndog to dunk in it. 

XAPHAN: [extremely strained] That’s…really… nice.

BELZAGOR: Um… Xaphan? Are you okay? You look like you’re about to barf-

XAPHAN: [suddenly bursts out yelling] I THINK I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU! [gasps] Oh! I SAID IT! Oh no I said it! I said it- I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU! No I said it again. I LOVE YOU! Oh no it keeps coming out oh no oh no oh no I LOVE YOU BELZAGOR. I DON’T KNOW- I DON’t KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT!! STUPID MOUTH STOP. STOP. [growling at herself] I’M- I’M GETTING IN THIS BOX! 

BELZAGOR: [distressed] You- what?

XAPHAN: DO NOT WORRY! I AM GETTING IN THIS BOX!

[[SFX: XAPHAN folds herself into a cardboard box, breathing heavily]]

XAPHAN: [from inside the box] Please tape this up and mail it somewhere thank you. I LOVE YOU- AGH! I DID IT AGAIN! GOODBYE. GOODNIGHT!

BELZAGOR: Xaphan, I… Um. I don’t know what to say.

XAPHAN: [groans]

BELZAGOR: Can you um… Can you come out of the box?

[[SFX: XAPHAN slowly pokes her head out of the box]]

XAPHAN: I’m sorry.

BELZAGOR: Sorry? Why are you sorry?

XAPHAN: I’m sorry I’m in love with you.

BELZAGOR: [flustered] That’s a stupid thing to be sorry for. So um. Stop it.

XAPHAN: Okay I stopped. Um.. So! Um… Do- do you… Oh, I don’t know-  love me?  Do you love me?

BELZAGOR: Of course I- It’s just. Um. It’s complicated!

XAPHAN: Are you emotionally unavailable?

BELZAGOR: What, who told you that?

XAPHAN: Are my arms too small?

BELZAGOR: No! Xaphan, you literally have the best arms I’ve ever seen, and I love being around you! You make me really happy! And of course I like- I love you. But uh… But I’m not um. Like. I’m not ready for uh… Damn!

[[SFX: XAPHAN folds themselves back in the box and whimpers]]

BELZAGOR: Oh boy. This is. A lot. [breathing heavily]

XAPHAN: You’re telling me.

BELZAGOR: [trying to calm herself] Okay. Okay okay okay. Um. I-I think I need a second.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR pulls out a flask, unscrews it and takes several large gulps]]

BELZAGOR: Hooo. Hoooboy. 

[[SFX: XAPHAN sticks her head out of the box]]

XAPHAN: Maybe we can um- pretend I never said anything! Maybe just uh. Just go back to electrocuting me! 

BELZAGOR: Oh shit. I’m… I’m the actual worst aren’t I? 

XAPHAN: No, no nononono no! You’re great! 

[[SFX: Cardboard creaks as XAPHAN gets out of the box and scrambles to the xylophone]]

XAPHAN: Look, look I can hit middle C again! Like nothing happened. 

[[SFX: She hits the a note on the xylophone and is immediately electrocuted, she shrieks, BELZAGOR audibly winces]]

XAPHAN: See? It’s- [begins to laugh, unhinged] It’s music!

BELZAGOR: I’m hurting you.

XAPHAN: What? No, it’s fine!

BELZAGOR: I’ve been hurting you.

XAPHAN: LALALALA Music!!

BELZAGOR: This whole time I’ve been. Oh Satan, I’m no better than Hornblas! [her breathing becomes ragged, she gulps down air]  I… Oh Lucifer. Um. Is it um- Is there less air in here? I uh… Oh shit. 

[[SFX: The flask sloshes as BELZAGOR glugs more holy water]]

XAPHAN: Belz? You look not okay.

BELZAGOR: [losing control of her breath, having a panic attack] I uh.. I gotta go um. Get some air. I just uh- shit. I’m so sorry, Xaphan! 

[[SFX: BELZAGOR runs urgently out of Gadgethut, the door chimes behind her]]

XAPHAN: Okay! Um- I’ll just. I’ll just stay here! And um. Work on the- ksailupohone. Yeah.

[[SFX: XAPHAN gently hits the middle c and is shocked a little]]

XAPHAN: Zap.

[[SFX: XAPHAN gently hits the middle c, shocked again]]

XAPHAN: Zap.

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar fades in, playing strumming minor chords]]

[[SFX: XAPHAN takes a deep shaky breath and continues to hit middle c]]

XAPHAN: Zap. 

[[SFX: XAPHAN starts to softly cry over the xylophone as she plays, the transition music picks up]]

-- Scene 07--

[[SFX: fade into the food court where someone is singing a horrible awkward ending to a song similar to the Beach Boys’ Wouldn’t It Be Nice, ending on a dissonant chord. Applause follows]]

TRAINEE: Alright folks, thank you to the Screech Boys for presenting their, like, exciting spoken word version of Wouldn’t Hell Be Nice! That was, like, very moving! And that concludes, like, our song idea presentations. I will now open the floor up to you, my demon comrades, to discuss which song we think is good enough to develop into a full band version so that Mall Rat can use it to, like, summon Satan and the Big Guy Upstairs. Would anybody like to start us off?

ASMORAIUS: Well um. I’ll go first! Why not? I’d like to state my case that mine and Trent’s song Concerto No. 69 in A Minor is the clear candidate for Best Song in the Universe! Because it was written from the heart. And also it’s the best one. 

NISROCH: Heart? Asmo, your song was just Trent moaning with an electric guitar in the background. 

ASMORAIUS: Well, okay first of all, it was just a demo, keep that in mind. And second of all, it was great.

DAMIEN: Um. It made me like, really uncomfy? 

ASMORAIUS: And that’s art, baby.

TRAINEE: I’m, like, kind of with Damien on this one?

RAVEN: Honestly, if we’re talking about art I thought Xaphan’s was like way more avant-garde. It really pushed the envelope-

ASMORAIUS: Xaphan’s song was just hitting the same note on the xylophone over and over while crying for four minutes and thirty three seconds? Also where did she go?

RAVEN: She ran away right after her song. Which I think was part of the art.

ASMORAIUS: That’s ridiculous!

TRENT: No no, she has a point.

HORNBLAS: Hang on here guys. I think we’re neglecting the real frontrunner here, which was obviously, me and Nisroch’s song, Friends of the Devil.

NISROCH: It was the perfect blend of layered chord progressions, innovative interactions between percussion and old school vocals with a compelling first person narrative tale! Something for everyone and a master of its class! An excellent flavor profile, if I do say so myself.

HORNBLAS: Hey! High five, buddy.

NISROCH: I will not do that.

HORNBLAS: Ok.

[[SFX: BELZAGORS footsteps are uneven and awkward as she stumbles around drunkenly]]

BELZAGOR: [slurring] Oh, I see you and Nisroch are like best friends now.

NISROCH: Woah. Belzagor. How drunk are you?

BELZAGOR: How drunk are you you-you?

NISROCH: Um. Not? Drunk?

HORNBLAS: Belz, are you good? Watching you try to play the bass earlier was kind of uh-  well it was uh. Sad.

BELZAGOR: Nu-UH! That was the, like, best song in the universe. Which just happened to be very sad.

HORNBLAS: Ok dude, it sounds like you need a nap.

BELZAGOR: YOU TAKE A NAP!! Your song sounded like ass. A bee’s ass. ‘Cause it just droned. Over and over.

NISROCH: You take that back!

TRAINEE: I mean, like, she kind of has a point. Your song was clearly written by olds. Damien and Raven and I wrote something fresh and trendy and-

HORNBLAS: No offense, president Trainee, but that literally sounded like if Babba tried to go screamo and was also a whale.

[[SFX: All of the demons start to talk over each other, insulting each other’s songs in ridiculously specific ways, the crowd joins in]]

NISROCH: Well if you’re so good you don’t even need my skills! I don’t need this ungratefulness! I’ll be back in my kitchen!

[[SFX: NISROCH leaves]]

ASMORAIUS: Clearly, no one here has an ear for true art! Let’s go Trent.

TRENT: I really don’t like conflict so I would like to leave now! 

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS and TRENT leave]]

TRAINEE: I thought you all would be, like, better at this than highschoolers, come on!

RAVEN: You’re all old and stupid. Let’s get out of here, Damien.

DAMIEN: None of you appreciate the finer points of being EMO! Later losers!.

[[SFX: RAVEN and DAMIEN leave]]

BELZAGOR: This was stupid anyways and I’m so done with this. Everyone eat the biggest bag of butts and leave me alone!

[[SFX: BELZAGOR leaves]]

HORNBLAS: You know what? I am outta here. 

[[SFX: HORNBLAS leaves]]

DEMON 1: No one even talked about my song…

DEMON 2: That’s because your song sucked!

DEMON 1: It literally was inspired by a vacuum cleaner so HA HA you just complimented me!

[[SFX: The food court empties out, leaving just TRAINEE behind]]

TRAINEE: Well, like, that went well.

[[SFX: The mall rumbles]]

TRAINEE: We’re so screwed.

[[MUSIC: Outro - Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song plays over credits]]

-- CREDITS --

KRISTEN DIMERCURIO: Demons and Mortals alike, thank you for listening to Brimstone Valley Mall. This show was written and directed by Kristen DiMercurio, hey! That’s me. It was co-written by Mark Wolf Roberts and Talia Rochmann. This episode was sound designed by Mischa Stanton, and recorded by Phil DiMercurio and Evan Chambers. Featuring performances by: Regina Russell as Trainee, Bex-Taylor Klaus as Nisroch, Susannah Wilson as Belzagor, Isa Braun as Xaphan, Mark Wolf Roberts as Asmoraius, B. Dave Walters as Hornblas, Chris Trindade as Trent and Damien and Jordan Cobb as Raven

Additional voices by: Mayana Berrin, Blu Del Barrio, and Joshua Rubino 

Our theme music is written and performed by FM Buller. Our show art is designed by Talia Rochmann. Brimstone Valley Mall is produced by Kristen DiMercurio. Associate producers: Lyn Rafil, Mischa Stanton, and Bex Taylor-Klaus

For news, fanart and more, you can follow us on twitter at bvmpod, and facebook, instagram, and tumblr at brimstonevalleymall.

Also a huge thank you to our indiegogo supporters. We’re looking at you: 

Michya Parham, Mikaela Flaminian, mikaela.a.bair, Mike Schubert, MIKHAIL TSEYTLIN, Miranda Lee, Misha Lambert, Molly Green, Mossimer Laynel, mr.fish.is, MRS VICTORIA WALLS, Myra Hild, Nadia Tudhope, Naomi Benson, Nashia Horne, Nat Isidoro, Nathan Lemuel, Nicholas McFall, Nicole Maturo, Noah, Olivia.ortiz9575, Part-ygirl, Patchlanders, Patrick Gabridge, Peter Bielen, Phoebe A. Seiders, Pippa Barker, PJ Scott-Blankenship, Puck Moser

And as usual, huge thank you to: 

AmeBot2038, Antigone Brickman, Ari Rochmann, Axel Kennedy, Barbara Klaus, Bethany Gorka, Cameron Lochrie, Carol Wolf, Caroline Claudino, Cassandra Shay, Curtis Dibrell JR., Dani Sakaida, De.annaell, Eleanor Hyde, Elizabeth Baquet, Etrigan, Gigi Watson, Halen Dean, Hallie Casey, Harold Porter Melcher, Hedge, James Woods, Jean DiMercurio, Jeff Chaney, JJ Ellis, Julian Ceipek, Katie Touart, Kinsey Wilson and Margaret Low, Marina Cerame, Meghan Utz, Melissa Hernandez, Nathaniel Gibson, Olivia Juniper, R. Scott Creighton

RamRot, Randy Lovings, Rebecca Gates, Rees Schofield, Rhiannon Cooper, Samuel Schwimmer, Sara Shanahan, Savvy Cornett, Stephanie Tully, Taj Chawla, Temmy Silver, Travis Reaves, Victor Casados, Vijay Srivastava, Vincent Z, and Wacky-D

Now head on over to the food court, because today’s Weiner World Special Is: Cheeky Custard Buns. They got cheeks!