[[MUSIC: Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song. 30 seconds of a rockin’ 90s bass line with drums and electric guitar]]

-- Scene 01--

[[SFX: A crowd bustles in the main concourse of Brimstone Valley Mall, three chimes sound over the Mall’s PA system before the following announcement]]

TRAINEE (MALL ANNOUNCEMENT): Good morning, demons of Brimstone Valley Mall! First of all you look great today. Now let’s get into today’s announcements. The citizens of Prepercrombie and Binch are hosting a 48 hour Polo Drive outside the storefront starting tomorrow. They’re collecting any and all polo materials to repair the damage done to their camp by the citizens of Canadian Egret. So donate any old polos you have lying around to help them rebuild those cute little forts! Also if you guys could, like, stop fighting that would be great. In other news, we’re making headway with the whole mystery-rumbling-in-the-mall thing! It’s totally gonna be fine. Don’t even worry about it. Speaking of which, Keytars N More is off-limits today for, um- unrelated reasons. Just like, don’t go in there. Okay love you bye! xoxo - Trainee

[[SFX: Fade to Keytars N More, serene notes are being played on a keytar, they are cut off by the door dinging as NISROCH walks through the store entrance]]

NISROCH: Knock knock, okay, time’s up! Have you finished meditating? 

HORNBLAS: Nisroch! You’re back! I think I’ve got an idea for a new song. This one’s really good, it’s gonna go like- 

[[SFX: HORNBLAS roars out a screamo yell while pounding out a chord on the keytar]]

NISROCH: What? This is not meditating! We agreed that you would sit here for an hour and try to access your powers like in Kendo Kids 4: Return of the Stick!

HORNBLAS: Dude, you left me in a room full of instruments, alright? Me! What’d you expect to happen? I'm a free spirit, Nisroch. A wayward artist. Music is my meditation.

NISROCH: Well you’re about to be a wayward food item on my menu.

HORNBLAS: Ugh! Listen, I tried okay? For a little bit.

NISROCH: Really? We picked Keytars N More for your meditation because we thought you’d be comfortable here. Not so you could dick around writing your next solo album!

HORNBLAS: You know, I hear you. I hear what you are saying, but also check this out! 

[[SFX: HORNBLAS plays a wiggly little electronic sounding riff on the keytar]]

HORNBLAS: There’s different modulations on this keytar and I think-. 

[[SFX: HORNBLAS plays a few more notes, it’s harpsichord]]

HORNBLAS: Harpsichord. Why is the second preset always harpsichord? Does anyone even like the harpsichord? Besides like, I don’t know, Dracula?

NISROCH: Even he doesn’t like it.

HORNBLAS: Huh.

NISROCH: Be honest. Did you even try to meditate?

HORNBLAS: [gasps, offended] Of course I tried! I sat here for, like, a really long time just trying to feel my powers. But I can’t. So. Yeah, instead I wrote a song about my feelings and if you want to hear that I-

NISROCH: No thank you, I only have one soul now and I am not going to lose it. 

HORNBLAS: Your loss. It’s got real potential. Y’know potential to help me get my powers back.

NISROCH: [groans] Satan, I wish Belzagor didn’t hate you so much right now. I could make her deal with your bullshit instead. Good thing I made a backup plan.

HORNBLAS: [sigh] You know, Belz and I used to spend hours in here just screwin’ around on the instruments. Coming up with new stuff. Looking for inspiration. 

NISROCH: Ohoho! Now you miss her?

HORNBLAS: So much, man.

NISROCH: Well- she missed you too. A lot. You were all she talked about while you were gone. It was all “Where’s Hornblas? Hornblas is our singer! We have to find Hornblas! We can’t do it without him!’ CONSTANTLY.

HORNBLAS: Really?

NISROCH: You’re an idiot. 

HORNBLAS: You think everyone’s an idiot.

NISROCH: Everyone is. This is not a controversial opinion. 

RAVEN: [in the distance] O-M-S, okay do I look, like, scholarly or whatever?

DAMIEN: [also in the distance] Raven, you look like a literal professor. I’m like, in awe of you.

RAVEN: Aw, thank you, Damien! Your bangs look… um-

DAMIEN: Thanks, I had to put them up so they don’t get stuck in these glasses.

RAVEN: Those glasses do make you look, like, so smart. Like, phew! P - H - my - D if you know what I mean.

DAMIEN: No I don’t know what you mean.

NISROCH: Speaking of idiots, here come the teens, right on time.

RAVEN: I can’t believe we’re about to be like, literal demon teachers! Sound professional.

DAMIEN: Got it. 

[[SFX: DAMIEN and RAVEN enter Keytars N More, the door dings]]

DAMIEN: [approaches, doing a terrible British accent] ‘Allo there student! We are your summoning teachers! And we’re going to help you get your groove back! 

HORNBLAS: Woah-hoho. Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. What- What is happening here?

NISROCH: The backup plan.

DAMIEN: Don’t you worry, young grasshopper!

NISROCH: Is that supposed to be British? Is that what you’re trying to do?

DAMIEN: …Yes.

RAVEN: Ahem! [in a good British accent] We’re the summoning experts of Brimstone Valley Mall, and we’ve been, like, carefully selected as your instructors in the ways of demonic… um Like… Summoning. We’re highly qualified. We’re the only demons in the entire mall to perform a successful summoning. 

DAMIEN: [the accent is so bad you almost can’t understand him] That’s right! We summoned Xaphan into our basement.

RAVEN: So Nisroch thought it would be pertinent to-

HORNBLAS: Wait, are you actually British?

RAVEN: [gasps and coughs in surprise] O-M-S, no! But, like, was my accent that good?

HORNBLAS: Eh, it was pretty good.

DAMIEN: MINE WAS ALSO GOOD! Oh hoho! Tea with the gov’na! 

NISROCH: Stop pretending to be British! It doesn’t make you sound smart, it just makes you sound British! Well, not you Damien you sounded like you hit your head or something.

DAMIEN: I think you mean [back to the accent] Knocked me on the noggin’?

NISROCH: Stop that right now.

HORNBLAS: Everyone, look: I don’t need a teacher. You can’t just teach someone how to have demonic powers again. I think. 

RAVEN: Umm. people do it in kung fu movies all the time. 

HORNBLAS: What is with you guys and kung fu movies?

NISROCH: Trainee has been organizing movie nights in Block Blasters, and we’re working our way through the entire Jet Li filmography.

HORNBLAS: Look, it’s not that I’m not willing to try, I just don’t think that meditating or pretending to have an accent are going to help me get my powers back.

NISROCH: You said you were trying to be a team player. Put your money where your mouths are-

HORNBLAS: Not everyone has multiple mouths, Nisroch. [disgusted noise]

NISROCH: Just try anyway.

HORNBLAS: Okay, okay, okay fine!

RAVEN: Whew. Good because we wrote up, like, a lesson plan and everything.

DAMIEN: Yeah! The first step to a good demon summoning is to be like, really really scared. 

[[SFX: The door dings as BELZAGOR and XAPHAN enter the store]]

XAPHAN: Knock knock, demons!

BELZAGOR: We’ve got a present.

DAMIEN & RAVEN: Wooaaaahhhh!

HORNBLAS: Belz?

NISROCH: Xaphan?

BELZAGOR: Hey losers.

NISROCH: What are you wearing?

HORNBLAS: Is that a checkered belt that also has studs on it?

NISROCH: Xaphan, your hair looks like some kind of neon raccoon?

DAMIEN: Ugh, O-M-S stop sounding like olds, they’re just emo now. 

RAVEN: Get over it. Hey guys. You look amazing.

BELZAGOR: Thanks. We did a shopping montage.

XAPHAN: And a makeover montage. 

BELZAGOR: The pacing was excellently executed to relay the passage of time but also the strengthening of our friendship but also our internal transformations made external.

HORNBLAS: You look… kinda… great!

BELZAGOR: I don’t care what you think, Traitor.

XAPHAN: We’re here to drop off new furbabies. 

[[SFX: Crinkling, as BELZAGOR holds up the bag of new furbies]]

BELZAGOR: Oh yeah, we also did a furbaby building montage. Here they are, as requested.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR drops the bag on the ground. Unsettling furby noises come from inside it that continue throughout the scene]]

XAPHAN: We made them even better than before, ha! No biggie.

BELZAGOR: Raven, Damien, these new furbabies have varying degrees of evil density, per your request, so you can start Hornboy here on the lighter ones and then work your way up to something with the same weight as a demon. 

HORNBLAS: Woah.

RAVEN: Told you we had a lesson plan.

BELZAGOR: We also added some new features.

XAPHAN: I said, why stick with the original design? Let’s make it bigger, and better, And MORE BUXOM!

BELZAGOR: Yeah, Xaphan was like, super inspiring, and great to collaborate with- a real pleasure to have in class. So, there are some that can do a backflip, one that can play double dutch, and a few that just like, writhe. They can also all hear your thoughts now in multiple languages, whereas before they could only hear your thoughts in English. 

XAPHAN: Which I have to admit was a little narrow-minded of you the first time around.

BELZAGOR: Look, it was just a prototype. [with affection] But I do appreciate the input, Xaph-o.

HORNBLAS: So much is happening.

XAPHAN: We also dipped a corndog in a slushie.

BELZAGOR: Oh yeah, we did an eating montage.

NISROCH: Okay now that sounds like a euphemism-

XAPHAN: Hey, none of your business.

BELZAGOR: Anyways, we’re emo now so we’re gonna go write some music about stomping on our own hearts wearing golf cleats with the little spikes on the bottom. 

XAPHAN: [breathless] Yeah. I wanna write about dark nights and being kidnapped by my own feelings.

HORNBLAS: Oh! Oh! I could help with that! I was just working on a new song about-

BELZAGOR: Not interested.

XAPHAN: No, not yet.

BELZAGOR: Fix the mess you made of the world then maybe we’ll talk.

XAPHAN: [gasps] Belz, that would make a perfect first line to the chorus of our new song!

BELZAGOR: Huh. You’re right. This is gonna be great! Later losers. Have fun with the furbabies.

XAPHAN: Ha! Reverse knock knock…

[[SFX: The door dings as XAPHAN and BELZAGOR exit]]

NISROCH: Welp. I do not know what to add to that.

HORNBLAS: That was so much, and so fast.

NISROCH: I’m gonna leave you guys to it. Teens, don’t go easy on him. I’ll be back to check up on your progress after the lunch rush.

DAMIEN: ‘Aye ‘Aye, captain!

HORNBLAS: Aw, c’mon! Don’t leave me in here with these two!

[[SFX: The door dings as NISROCH leaves]]

RAVEN: [British accent] Pip pip, cheerio! We’ll whip this land lubber into summoning shape in no time! 

DAMIEN: Wait, are we pirates now?

RAVEN: No, we’re professors. 

DAMIEN: Right right right. [back to the British(?) accent] Alright now, student! Let’s open up this bag of furbies and start with an- AH! UNHOLY SHIT! OW! It bit me!

[[SFX: The furby growls and make ominous technological sounds]]

RAVEN: Ah! It’s glowing! Why is it glowing?

DAMIEN: Make it stop squirming! It’s, like, SO long!

RAVEN: O-M-S don’t look in its eyes! 

HORNBLAS: This is going to be a nightmare.

DAMIEN: Hey! We’ve got this!

RAVEN: Get ready to be educated. Wingardium Blevvioser!

[[SFX: A furby garbles and launches itself at DAMIEN]]

DAMIEN: Ah! It can jump. Okay it’s fine. It’s fine. It can jump, that’s fine.

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 02 --

[[SFX: A crowd bustles in the main concourse of Brimstone Valley Mall, three chimes sound over the Mall’s PA system before the following announcement]]

TRAINEE (MALL ANNOUNCEMENT): Evening citizens of Brimstone Valley Mall! Just a quick update that-

[[SFX: The mall rumbles]]

TRAINEE (MALL ANNOUNCEMENT): [clears her throat] A quick update that-

[[SFX: The mall rumbles louder]]

TRAINEE (MALL ANNOUNCEMENT): Ugh. What was I-? What I was going to say was that I-

[[SFX: The mall rumbles even louder]]

TRAINEE (MALL ANNOUNCEMENT): You know what? Just forget it. It’s just being rude at this point. Love you! xoxo -Trainee

[[SFX: Fade to the Weiner World Counter during the lunch rush. There is a large unruly crowd yelling at the counter]]

NISROCH: Okay okay, everyone calm down and form a single file line- Okay, yeah, you’re not gonna do that. Let’s just start with uh… You. What do you want?

DEMON 1: I’ll have a Five Finger Corndog.

NISROCH: One Five Finger Corndog. Did you want a side with that?

DEMON 1: Umm what are my options again?

NISROCH: There’s an enormous sign above my head with all of our options and we’re really busy so if you could-

DEMON 2: Hey! When are you taking my order?

NISROCH: You’re not even next in line! And I’m not done with this guy’s order-

DEMON 3: What line? Oh, there’s a line?

DEMON 1: Okay okay wait. Can I actually change my order from a corndog to a gluteburger?

NISROCH: No! No! No take backsies!

DEMON 1: Aww But I wanted- 

DEMON 2: Wait, I’ll have what he’s having!

NISROCH: He hasn’t decided what he’s having yet!

DEMON 2: Okay, but I bet it’s gonna be good.

NISROCH: You know what? That is it. That’s it! You are all getting corndogs! I’m through with this! 

DEMON 1: Oh but I-

NISROCH: CORNDOGS! CORN! DOGS! WITH AS MANY OR AS FEW FINGERS AS I CHOOSE! NOW STAND HERE PATIENTLY WHILE I GO AND COOK!

[[SFX: NISROCH slams through the kitchen door and walks back into the kitchen]]

NISROCH: [mumbles] What are my options? I’ll give him some opt-

XAPHAN: Hello!

[[SFX: A thud as NISROCH slams into the fridge with surprise]]

NISROCH: [yelp] SATAN’S PINKIES! Xaphan!

XAPHAN: I heard you’re making corndogs.

NISROCH: You’d think I’d be used to this by now. How long have you been back here?

XAPHAN: Belzagor wanted to take a nap so when I got tired of watching her sleep I came here because I want to talk to you.

NISROCH: Well, I don’t have time to talk or process that. The lunch rush is insane, and the teens are busy with Hornblas so-

XAPHAN: Where is the weiner hat? 

NISROCH: It’s over there on the wall.

XAPHAN: I will do it. I will help with the lunch rush so we can talk!

[[SFX: XAPHAN grabs the weiner hat which squeaks and puts it on her head]]

NISROCH: I’m actually impressed you managed to get your hair in that.

XAPHAN: Ooh, I can feel the static.

[[SFX: Electricity buzzes through XAPHAN’s hair]]

NISROCH: Right okay. Great. Uh. Go! Go! Take orders!

XAPHAN: YES CHEF! 

[[SFX: XAPHAN out of the swinging door to the front counter, the crowd can be heard when the door swings open and shut]]

NISROCH: Huh. Well that was easy. Okay then. Let’s get the ball rolling here. 

[[SFX: NISROCH grabs some ingredients from the fridge, puts them out on the counter, pulls out a knife, and starts chopping. Cooking noises continue under the dialogue for the remainder of the scene. XAPHAN rings the bell at the order window and pokes her head in]]

XAPHAN: We’ve got an order up for popcorn toe bites!

NISROCH: Poppytoes! Got it. Do they want-

XAPHAN: They want jelly toe jam with that!

NISROCH: Got it.

NISROCH: [to themself] Okay so let’s add a little more salt, some of the reserved juices- 

XAPHAN: Another order of Popcorn Toe Bites, plus 2 Gut Pretzels, and a side of Crispy Nips, un-crisped!

NISROCH: Another order of Poppytoes, 2 Gutzels, and a side of Tendie-Nips hold the tend!  Coming right up!

[[SFX: XAPHAN dings the order bell]]

XAPHAN: Two Sacrum Splits With a side of Colon Slaw! You know, you really should let Belzagor upgrade your POS system to add a ticket machine to keep track of orders!

NISROCH: No, I prefer the yelling! Two Sac-Splits with a side of C-Slaw coming right up! Okay, order up! 

[[SFX: NISROCH dings the order bell]]

XAPHAN: Yes chef!!

[[SFX: XAPHAN takes the order back to the front counter]]

XAPHAN: [far off, to the customers] You ordered the Cheese n Teeth Burrito, right? Here it is! No! Stop. Hands off! [barks] That’s not yours, that’s his!

NISROCH: Oh it’s so nice not working Front of House.

[[SFX: XAPHAN dings the order bell]]

XAPHAN: We need an order of Miscellaneous Nuggets!

NISROCH: Misc Nugs, comin’ up!

XAPHAN: Also I have a crush on Belzagor and I don’t know what to do about it! Please weigh in!

NISROCH: Roger that- WHAT? Hold up, hold up. You- you can get crushes? Also, Order up!

[[SFX: NISROCH dings the order bell]]

XAPHAN: Yes Chef! Also yes, chef! At least, I think so, chef!

NISROCH: Satan’s Flat Arches. Why does everyone have to have so many FEELINGS?

XAPHAN: I don’t know, chef! 

NISROCH: That was rhetorical!

XAPHAN: And someone wants a bun on their big a-

NISROCH: NO BUNS! We serve glutes, never gluten!

XAPHAN: Yes Chef!

NISROCH: Oh boy. This is a mess.

[[SFX: XAPHAN dings the order bell]]

XAPHAN: We need an order of Stir Fried Butt and one “Oops All Blood” dog! Also, do you think Belzagor would want to date me? Or do you think she sees me as a friend? Over!

NISROCH: You don’t have to say “over”! 

XAPHAN: Yes chef! Over!

NISROCH: Ugh. Order up! 

[[SFX: NISROCH dings the order bell]]

NISROCH: And I don’t know why you’re asking me this. Ask her! Order up!

[[SFX: NISROCH dings bell again impatiently]]

XAPHAN: Orders received, chef! I’m afraid to bring it up to her, chef! Over! Also a double order of lung waffle fries with a side of snot sauce.

[[SFX: XAPHAN dings the bell]]

NISROCH: Snot waffle stack coming up! This is getting so confusing!

XAPHAN: My thoughts exactly chef! She’s so nice to me, and we get along so well! But is that friendship? Is it more? Also we need a side of Bronchial Aioli. 

[[SFX: XAPHAN dings the bell]]

NISROCH: Extra side of bronchioli! Coming up!

XAPHAN: The next guy at the register thinks I should do something romantic, but misguided.

NISROCH: Order up! 

[[SFX: NISROCH dings bell]]

NISROCH: Also don’t ask the customers for dating advice! They don’t know anything. 

XAPHAN: Yes, chef! Still waiting on you to weigh in, chef!

NISROCH: [exasperated] Gah! I don’t know! I could barely handle my own- Okay. Okay. You really want to know what I think? 

XAPHAN: Waiting with baited breath, chef! Over!

NISROCH: I think she’s… emotionally unavailable. 

[[SFX: XAPHAN dings the bell]]

XAPHAN: We need one order of Double-Squeaked Nodes, a Gargleblaster, and an order of Popped Lymphs! Please elaborate on that phrase, chef! Over!

NISROCH: The DSM-IV combo, coming right up. I think Belz is still messed up over Hornblas. I don’t know what she sees in him, but-

XAPHAN: So what do I do with all these feelings, chef? Because sometimes it’s almost hard being around her. Because I like her so much! Do you experience this? Do I need to see a Hell doctor? Over!

NISROCH: Order up!

[[SFX: NISROCH dings bell]]

NISROCH: Alright. Alright, alright. Xaphan! Listen up because here’s what you do. You take those feelings you have, you squish them in a ball, you shove them into a little grinder in your brain and you grind them up so they get even smaller! And then you push those ground up bits of feelings down, down, down, until they are so far away from you, you can’t feel them anymore. Then you go to work doing something else as hard as you can! 

XAPHAN: That sounds like it hurts, chef! Over!

NISROCH: Everything hurts, Xaphan. Over- I mean, Order up! 

[[SFX: NISROCH dings bell]]

NISROCH: Listen, back when me and Asmoraius were, you know, together, it—

XAPHAN: That’s it!

[[SFX: XAPHAN runs through the swinging door into the kitchen]] 

NISROCH: Hey, wait, wait, wait! Where are you going?

XAPHAN: Thank you for your advice. I am leaving now.

[[SFX: XAPHAN takes off the wiener hat, it squeaks]]

NISROCH: No! No no, the lunch rush just started!

XAPHAN: I require more data sources. Goodbye!

[[SFX: XAPHAN sprints out of the kitchen]]

NISROCH: Xaphan! Stop! Wait! [panicked and overwhelmed groans] I never thought I’d say this. But I almost miss those stupid teens.

DEMON 3: W-where’s she going? I’m still waiting for my toes to get jammed!

DEMON 1: Is that on the secret menu?

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 03 --

[[SFX: Outside of the arcade, faint classical music can be heard in the background]]

ASMORAIUS: No peeking!

TRENT: [muffled, speaking from under a cloak] Okay.

ASMORAIUS: I mean it!

TRENT: Asmo, I couldn’t peek if I wanted to, this cloak is like 6 yards of fabric. [mumbles]

ASMORAIUS: And it’s to give the garment, motion, darling. Now stand right over here-

XAPHAN: Hello.

ASMORAIUS: Ah! Xaphan, again!

TRENT: What was that? Another spider? I’ll get it babe, hang on! If I could just get out of-

[[SFX: Fabric rustles as TRENT struggles under the large cloak]]

ASMORAIUS: No! No peeking, Trent.

TRENT: But I can save you!

XAPHAN: Why are we standing outside of the arcade? Why is Trent struggling under a blanket?

ASMORAIUS: It’s not a “blanket” it’s a cloak.

TRENT: Xaphan? Where’s the spider?

ASMORAIUS: There is no spider!

XAPHAN: Ooh, I like spiders.

TRENT: Me too, actually. I like all living things. Except elephant shrews. They’re just not right.

XAPHAN: Ooh, sounds like there’s a story behind that.

TRENT: There is!

ASMORAIUS: Xaphan, you’re just in time! I was about to reveal a little surprise to Trent here, and it can be a surprise for you too.

XAPHAN: Oh! I know what it is, it’s that-

ASMORAIUS: [making all kinds of shushing noises to keep her from continuing] Do not say it out loud. Also how do you know what it is?

XAPHAN: You requested it through Comrade Trainee. I work for her and helped put in the order from 1-800-BIGSIGNS-

ASMORAIUS: SHHhshsh! You’re going to give it away!

TRENT: Can you take this thing off my head now?

ASMORAIUS: [exasperated sigh] I suppose I’d better show you before Xaphan spills the beans.

TRENT: Beans? Where? I hate beans!

XAPHAN: [whispered] Fascinating.

ASMORAIUS: Alright, alright, let me just turn it on. Don’t move.

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS shuffles away and plugs in a big neon sign. It flickers to life and we can hear it humming]]

TRENT: So uhhh. What are you doing here anyways, Xaphan?

XAPHAN: I- I have come to ask for some advice.

TRENT: Oh! I love giving advice! No one ever asks me cause I’m an angel, but I think I give pretty good advice.

ASMORAIUS: [returning] Okay! Remove the cloak!

TRENT: Okay! If I could just- Um- Ugh. I can’t get my leg through there. Carry the two-

[[SFX: TRENT continues to struggle under the cloak]]

TRENT: Um just a second here, I’m sure there’s a way out somewhere.

XAPHAN: Ooh, I’ll get it!

[[SFX: XAPHAN pulls off the cloak in one fell swoop]]

TRENT: [gasps] Oh Asmoraius, it’s.. It’s-!

ASMORAIUS: Do you like it?

TRENT: [starts to cry] It’s- It’s beautiful!

XAPHAN: Asmoraius and Trent’s Sensual Arcade Emporium and Internet Cafe! Trent. You’re upset? 

TRENT: These are happy tears.

XAPHAN: Oh! Like what happens to me when I eat a five finger corndog.

TRENT: Uh sure. Is that some type of human food?

XAPHAN: Human food, yeah! Yes!

ASMORAIUS: Come inside, come inside. We’ve finished setting up the internet and I want to boot it up for the first time together!

[[SFX: The door dings as they walk through the threshold, classical music plays gently in the background]]

ASMORAIUS: Alright, so imagine you’re a customer. You walk in under our new glowing sign, the smell of polished walnut arcade cabinets wafts into your nostrils. [inhales deeply] Your feet sink into the plush, ruby red wall-to-wall carpet. Your eyes feast upon the crimson velvet curtains! Your ears are delighted by the soft tinkling sounds of the crystal chandelier above the liquor bar…

XAPHAN: You’ve changed so much in here. 

TRENT: It’s been a lot of redecorating. Asmo’s vision, of course. 

XAPHAN: [with reverence] Hmm. It’s less sticky now. 

ASMORAIUS: Oh, you have no idea. Then you walk this way, past the naked Greccian statues and here in the corner, your eye befalls on these. Three glorious off-white plastic rectangles! 

XAPHAN: COMPUTERS?!

ASMORAIUS: Not just any computers! These bad boys are linked up to the world wide web. Thanks to Trent here.

TRENT: Aw, well Belzagor was the one who told me how to do it. I just did the legwork. 

ASMORAIUS: And what perfect legs they are.

XAPHAN: [whispers with intensity] I want it. The internet. It’s inside these, give it to me, give it to me. 

TRENT: Okay! Well all we have to do is click here. And here. And then this button here. And-

[[SFX: A dialup modem sound. It is abrasive and goes on far too long]]

INTERNET VOICE: Welcome to the world wide web.

XAPHAN: [gasps] It speaks! Computer, how do I make Belzagor fall in love with me?

TRENT: Woah, what?

XAPAN: [breathing heavily] Computer, give me your knowledge of love.

ASMORAIUS: Um. Xaphan, is that something- is that something that’s been on your mind?

XAPHAN: Ask the internet. How do I ask it?

TRENT: Well, you just go to this new thing called a search engine, you just go up here and type in: [spelled out] http://www.AskGargle.com 

ASMORAIUS: Maybe don’t tell her how to use it yet? We don’t know what she’ll do.

XAPHAN: [typing very quickly and accurately] How to know if you are in love with your best friend comma What Does love mean plus sign Can Demons love question mark Advice on crushes but also friendship. Come on, come on.

TRENT: Wait, Xaphan! You’re overloading the mainframe!

XAPHAN: Oh! Hmm. Maybe this. Command Prompt. What is love? Run love.exe.

ASMORAIUS: What is she doing?

TRENT: I don’t know! I only just learned how to use the mouse!

ASMORAIUS: [gasps dramatically] There’s a mouse? Not in my establishment!

XAPHAN: Come on, come on. Tell me, O wise computer. Tell me, holder of infinite worldly knowledge. Do not keep your secrets from me, I will take off your screen face with my [suddenly intense] very, very buff arms! 

[[SFX: XAPHAN rips the screen off the computer and shatters it on the ground with a guttural yell]] 

ASMORAIUS: Xaphan, no! That’s not how it works! Augh! My beautiful, expensive personal computers!

XAPHAN: [exhales] Two computers remain. Perhaps they hold the answers-

TRENT: Woahwoahwoah! Hey, hey! Okay let’s not- let’s take a breather!  Right Asmoraius? She needs to um-

ASMORAIUS: She needs to join us at the bar for a cocktail and... a chat.

XAPHAN: I don’t like cocktails. 

ASMORAIUS: A mocktail then! Come on Xaphan, I think you need to relax. 

[[SFX: They walk over to the bar area, we hear a blender whirring]]

ASMORAIUS: Oh, bartender! And how are you today, Carpasinus?

CARPASINUS: Living the dream, big guy. Big chandeliers, stiff drinks, and a blazing 2 megabytes per-second internet connection. Also, nothing matters! Can you believe it?

ASMORAIUS: I can, Carpasinus, I really can. Can I get two cocktails for me and my love, and one mocktail for Ms. Biceps over here.

XAPHAN: What is he doing here?

TRENT: Carpasinus? Oh, Asmoraius found him stumbling around Crapplebees yesterday and convinced him to come bartend for us instead.

[[SFX: CARPASINUS returns and starts mixing the drinks, glassware clatters on the bar as he works, pouring the ingredients and mixing them together]]

CARPASINUS: Now I make my own dollaritas. But they’re free-ninety-nine, baby.

XAPHAN: We meet again, Carpasinus. And you’re still drinking those.

TRENT: You know each other?

CARPASINUS: I was her boss once. Technically.

XAPHAN: And I almost burned him alive.

TRENT: Lovely!

CARPASINUS: Oh, Xaphan, you demonic little upstart. Still trying to hopelessly figure out how to stop the mall from sinking? I told you it was going to get worse, didn’t I?

XAPHAN: That’s not why I’m here.

CARPASINUS: Got something more important on your mind than the destruction of all you hold dear?

XAPHAN: Yes, I think I’m in love!

CARPASINUS: Oh. Gross.

[[SFX: The mall rumbles, chandeliers clink above]]

XAPHAN: But yeah, that is getting worse too.

ASMORAIUS: We’re working on it. Right? I think Nisroch had a plan or something.

TRENT: Things just have a way of working out! That’s what I always say.

CARPASINUS: Cheers to that kind of thinking!

[[SFX: They clink glasses]]

CARPASINUS: Anyhow, I’m going to go run the taps into my mouth. Goodbye! Holler if you need anything, I won’t be coming back.

[[SFX: CARPASINUS leaves]]

ASMORAIUS: So. Let’s get right to it. Xaphan, it sounds like you have feelings for Belzagor. Strong ones.

XAPHAN: Yes. It is very difficult. They- they burn within me.

ASMORAIUS: We get it. Feelings are hard, right Trent?

TRENT: But they’re also great.

ASMORAIUS: But they can tear you apart.

TRENT: But in a beautiful way.

ASMORAIUS: That is still extremely painful.

XAPHAN: I am confused. 

TRENT: I think what Asmoraius is trying to say is: when you get feelings for someone, it’s like magic. Your wings flutter, you feel light as a feather. The world feels full of hope and you just know that everything is gonna turn out alright. Because nothing can stop true love.

ASMORAIUS: Ha! Oh Trent, I don’t think that’s how she’s really feeling.

TRENT: Oh. Um- Well-

ASMORAIUS: I think she’s feeling the passion of deep love. The obsession! Right Xaphan? That deep visceral pain of yearning for another’s presence. The way it cuts at your heart, tears at the extremely expensive, high thread count fabric of your being. It pulls you into a craze until you are no longer yourself! But only… an animal.

TRENT: Asmoraius, you’re gonna scare her. 

ASMORAIUS: Well, she deserves to know the truth!

TRENT: I was telling the truth!

ASMORAIUS: Well maybe that’s not my truth.

TRENT: It’s not? I thought… We felt the same way. About each other. 

ASMORAIUS: We do Trent! Of course I feel “the butterflies”, but she needs to know about all of it. Sure, when love first begins, it’s all fluttering wings and heaving bosoms. But what next? What about the weeks of waiting? Of not knowing if you’ve been betrayed? Of thinking I’d been used, and tossed aside, a simple pawn in the strategy for the armies of Heaven! She should know that love can feel like that! 

TRENT: Well, then she should also know what it felt like to risk everything for love! The fear that gripped my gut the moment before I leapt from Heaven! Before I left behind everything I’d ever known? My world. My code. My very identity. Thrown away for just a chance at a glimmering moment with you. To choose to never truly belong again to anything or anyone except to you.

ASMORAIUS: I never asked you to do any of that for me!

TRENT: Well, I couldn’t go back to living without you!

ASMORAIUS: Oh, so you agree- love is torrid and painful.

TRENT: Do you- Do you not think our love is worth it, Asmoraius?

ASMORAIUS: Of course our love is worth it Trent. I’d move Hell and Earth for you, it’s just- I told you it would take time for me to really trust you again, much less forgive you for what you almost did to me and my friends and- [starts sobbing] Oh Xaphan, this is it! Look! Look at me, look at my tears! This is the pain I was talking about! Trent, we shouldn’t have happened! We shouldn’t even be able to touch for Satan’s sake!

TRENT: I know it, Asmoraius. I know. I will always be sorry for what I did. For not trying to stop the Reckoning. And even if you can never forgive me, even if we never figure out why we were able to be together in the first place, I’ll still be here. Because damn the rules, I’m yours.

ASMORAIUS: [sniffles] That’s… that’s quite radical of you, Trent. Maybe I have rubbed off on you a little.

TRENT: Oh, I think we’ve rubbed a little more than that together.

ASMORAIUS: Ooh, Trent, was that an innuendo? 

TRENT: [chuckling] You are a bad influence on me.

ASMORAIUS: [flirty] And you’re a good influence on me.

TRENT: Kiss me, you fool!

ASMORAIUS: Oh, that’s my line!

[[SFX: They furiously make out, it’s gross]]

XAPHAN: I don’t think I have learned much here. I will go. Goodbye.

[[SFX: Disgusting make-out noises continue over the MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 04 --

[[SFX: A crowd bustles in the main concourse of Brimstone Valley Mall, three chimes sound over the Mall’s PA system before the following announcement]]

TRAINEE (MALL ANNOUNCEMENT): [fast and with intensity] Hey! Hey! Hey! Brimstone Valley Mallers! To whichever trickster demon thought it would be funny to put pixie stick dust in the espresso machine in the cafe, JOKES ON YOU because, like, it’s delicious! That said, come on down to Borderline Personality Bookstore to check out a book, get comfy, and enjoy 10,000x the recommended daily dose of processed sugar with some whipped cream on top! Love you! xoxo - Trainee!

[[SFX: Fade to the main concourse of the mall, crowd ambience continues]]

XAPHAN: Love is… painful. But it also lifts you up? Like wings? And- and it’s terrible. I feel… terrible. But inspired? And… and like this carousel all feelings that go around… Come around?

DEMON 2: [in the distance, riding the carousel in a circle] I LOVE to go aROUND and aROUND and aROUND-

XAPHAN: Yes! Love is like a carousel. Centrifugal force. Pulling you further and further towards the edge. The only place free from that pull is in the center. Oh, in the heart. At the spinning axle of it all! Oh, I must find the Source of Love!

[[SFX: A loud tuba bellows in the distance from Keytars N More]]

XAPHAN: But first find the source of that Tuba sound. To Keytars N More!

[[SFX: XAPHAN’s footsteps ring out as runs down the concourse. Transition; into Keytars N More, furbies chitter and talk all around]]

HORNBLAS: Guys, c’mon. My dudes. Can I please see the tuba for just, like, a second? I think it would sound great for the bridge! It’s gonna tie together the recurring minor leitmotif in piano forte minor five. From Bach!

DAMIEN: Give it up, Hornblas. This tuba? Is the only thing standing between us, and those animated furbaby freaks! 

RAVEN: They’re getting too close! Damien! Do it now!

[[SFX: DAMIEN blows the tuba, blowing all the little furbies away with a collective “weee”]]

RAVEN: And stay back you little monsters!

DAMIEN: Ugh, Hornblas, could you, like, maybe just use your powers? I played the piccolo! I do not have the lung capacity for this!

RAVEN: Agh! They’re coming back! Damien, blow the tuba again!

[[SFX: DAMIEN blows a big note on the tuba blowing all the furbies away again.The door dings as XAPHAN enters the store]]

XAPHAN: Knock knock!

DAMIEN: Oh! Xaphan! You’re back! Help us!

XAPHAN: I thought you were helping Hornblas get his powers back?

RAVEN: It’s, like, not going well okay? Damien- Damien they’re too close. Do it now!

[[SFX: DAMIEN blows the tuba again, this time they blow across the floor with a “waah”]]

DAMIEN: Oh Xaphan! You, like, have to help us! I don’t know how many more times I can blow this tuba before I die. Again!

XAPHAN: Tell them to get back in the bag. 

RAVEN: Um, how?

XAPHAN: [sighs] Like this. [makes horrendous clicking sounds, then screams]

[[SFX: The furbies all chatter happily in response, and march in a little group into the bag]]

HORNBLAS: Woah. That was gnarly.

XAPHAN: You just have to meet them where they’re at.

DAMIEN: Unholy shit, I’m so exhausted 

RAVEN: I feel like I’ve been screaming for hours.

HORNBLAS: Yeah, it’s made it really hard to concentrate on my song.

XAPHAN: I see. Hmmm. Teens, you are dismissed.

DAMIEN: Oh thank Satan.

RAVEN: I would literally rather be in the kitchen.

DAMIEN: Yeah, good luck with him.  

RAVEN: Ugh, yeah he doesn’t even wanna try and get his powers back. He just wants to “make art”. 

DAMIEN: Later. 

[[SFX: The door dings as the teens exit]]

XAPHAN: Is it true?

HORNBLAS: That I don’t want my powers back? [scoffs] What do you think?

XAPHAN: I think you desperately want them back.

HORNBLAS: Yeah. Well, you could say that again.

XAPHAN: I think you desperately want them back.

HORNBLAS: I…Yeah. Has anyone told you how weird you are?

XAPHAN: They have. So. What do you need?

HORNBLAS: Huh?

XAPHAN: To work on your powers. What do you need?

HORNBLAS: You know, you’re the first one to even ask me that? Since I got back I feel like no one can even look at me. I know I borked everything up. But. I dunno. It’s nice to be talked to like a friend. I can see why Belzagor likes you.

XAPHAN: Oh.

HORNBLAS: Woah, hey, what’s with the face.

XAPHAN: Belzagor.

HORNBLAS: [sigh] Yeah. Belzagor. I don’t- I really know what to do? Cause I mean. Okay, this is not the first time I’ve made a mess of things. Like one time I booked Mall Rat this gig that turned out to be at some kind of youth church camp? And the kids went full feral, and we left with all these bite marks all over our humanskins and had to get rabies shots and- Well, it was bad. And the whole band was royally pissed at me for like a solid month. But not Belz. She just laughed it off. Made it a competition of who had the biggest molar marks. She’s been my ride or die since the day we met.

XAPHAN: But this is different.

HORNBLAS: I mean, yeah. None of us have bite marks. 

XAPHAN: She was worried about you. She has been the entire time I’ve known her. It… makes it hard for her to see things? Things that are right in front of her? 

HORNBLAS: But she knows me. She knows I always figure it out. Find a way to fix things.

XAPHAN: I think- I think she wanted you to figure it out with her. Not for her? She always wants to… wants to be with you.

HORNBLAS: Huh. Xaphan, you really do know everything about everything, don’t you? Like, you’ve only been here a few months and it sounds like you already know her even better than I do-

XAPHAN: I…I …  [bursts out crying]

HORNBLAS: Woahwoahwoahwoahwoah what is happening. Hold up hold up. Hey. What’s going on-

XAPHAN: I think I’m in love with Belzagor! 

HORNBLAS: Okay Woah. Uh.

XAPHAN: I feel the pain!

HORNBLAS: Shit! Uh. Okay just uh… Grab an instrument!

XAPHAN: WHY?! HOW DO I HANDLE EMOTIONS? THE FEELINGS??

HORNBLAS: Trust me! This’ll help! 

XAPHAN: I’LL DO ANYTHING TO EASE THIS SUFFERING!

HORNBLAS: Pick an instrument! Anything-

[[SFX: XAPHAN smacks the xylophone]]

HORNBLAS: Well that’s an interesting choice.

[[SFX: XAPHAN wails on the xylophone with increasing speed and intensity as she yells]]

XAPHAN: [wailing] I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS!! I AM OVERWHELMED!!

HORNBLAS: That’s it! That’s it though! Let it out! Let it all out!

XAPHAN: My MIND is OBSESSED! I am both HAPPY and TERRIFIED! I feel EXCITED and OUT OF CONTROL!

HORNBLAS: Solo, Xaphan! Do a solo!

[[SFX: XAPHAN goes apeshit on the xylophone]]

HORNBLAS: Yeah that’s it!! You’re killin’ it! 

XAPHAN: This feels amazing! I love MUSIC!! I love BELZAGOR!! I love CORNDOGS!!

HORNBLAS: Okay, ready? Ready? Time for the big finish! 

[[SFX: XAPHAN hits a few more notes]]

HORNBLAS: [singing] YEAH!

XAPHAN: That was amazing!!

HORNBLAS: You feel better?

XAPHAN: Much! 

HORNBLAS: Music is magic, man. Simple as that.

XAPHAN: Hornblas, thank you. I needed this!

HORNBLAS: Damn. Me too. And hey, the whole um, being in love with Belzagor thing? I just gotta say, you’ve got great taste, bud. She’s basically the best.

XAPHAN: No, she IS the best! And I don’t know what to do about it.

HORNBLAS: Well, a smart demon once told me that maybe you should try to figure things out with her, and not for her.

XAPHAN: Oh. That must have been a really smart demon.

HORNBLAS: The smartest.

[[SFX: One of the furbies wakes up and starts making little noises]]

HORNBLAS: Oh, looks like we woke up the furbies. 

XAPHAN: Oh hey little guy! Okay, time to go back in the bag.

HORNBLAS: Wait, wait. Hang on. I uh, I wanna try something. Just uh, hold the furby still. 

[[SFX: A slow build of sound, HORNBLAS takes a deep breath and groans in effort. There is a small “pop” and the furby is summoned to the other side of the room, into HORNBLAS’s hands, it gurgles]]

XAPHAN: Ah! Hornblas!

HORNBLAS: I did it! 

XAPHAN: You summoned it 6 whole feet!

HORNBLAS: Unholy shit, I did it! Right into my hands!

XAPHAN: Oh! How did it feel?

HORNBLAS: [laughing in disbelief] It hurt, actually! A lot!

XAPHAN: Oh. Um. Are- 

HORNBLAS: But I did it! That’s something right? My powers aren’t totally zonked!

XAPHAN: That’s definitely something! 

HORNBLAS: Xaphan. Thank you. I- I didn’t realize how much I needed that. 

XAPHAN: To hear the ksailupuhone? Oh, to give love advice?

HORNBLAS: No, to- wait the what? 

XAPHAN: No need. Continue.

HORBLAS: Right, uh. I guess I needed to remember what it was like to play music with someone again. You know, that connection you get when you’re both riding the same wavelength, and you sync up like that? That like. Flow state. I just. Damn. I feel a little more whole. Like myself again.

XAPHAN: Well. You’re welcome. And thank you too.

HORNBLAS: Xaphan. You’re gonna be alright. And this could be the start of a beautiful frien- OW! It bit me!

XAPHAN: Oh yeah. They do that now. That was my idea.

[[MUSIC: Outro - Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song plays over credits]]

-- CREDITS --

KRISTEN DIMERCURIO: Demons and Mortals alike, thank you for listening to Brimstone Valley Mall. This show was written and directed by Kristen DiMercurio, hey! That’s me. It was co-written by Mark Wolf Roberts and Talia Rochmann. This episode was sound designed by Mischa Stanton, and recorded by Phil DiMercurio and Evan Chambers. Featuring performances by: Regina Russell as Trainee, Bex-Taylor Klaus as Nisroch, Susannah Wilson as Belzagor, Isa Braun as Xaphan, Mark Wolf Roberts as Asmoraius, B. Dave Walters as Hornblas, Chris Trindade as Trent, Damien, and Carpasinus, and Jordan Cobb as Raven

Additional voices by: Mayana Berrin, Blu Del Barrio, and Joshua Rubino 

Our theme music is written and performed by FM Buller. Our show art is designed by Talia Rochmann. Brimstone Valley Mall is produced by Kristen DiMercurio. Associate producers: Lyn Rafil, Mischa Stanton, and Bex Taylor-Klaus

For news, fanart and more, you can follow us on twitter at bvmpod, and facebook, instagram, and tumblr at brimstonevalleymall.

Also a huge thank you to our indiegogo supporters. We’re looking at you: 

Lezli Hair, Lia Robinson, Lia Thomson, Lola Peters, Lucyrainger, Lydia Gmerek, Maddy Searle, Madeline Bedford, Madelyn Jirasek, Madita Schwenke, Mala Valmai, Malakai Wade, Marcelo Muro, Marcus R., Margaret McCoy, Maria Vespa, Marnie Warner, Martina Marešová, Mavis North, Max Keefer, Melanie Yeche, Melissa Guck, Michael DiMercurio, Michael Richters, Michele Pisano-Marsh, and Michelle M Smith

And as usual, huge thank you to: 

AmeBot2038, Antigone Brickman, Ari Rochmann, Axel Kennedy, Barbara Klaus, Bethany Gorka, Cameron Lochrie, Carol Wolf, Caroline Claudino, Cassandra Shay, Curtis Dibrell JR., Dani Sakaida, De.annaell, Eleanor Hyde, Elizabeth Baquet, Etrigan, Gigi Watson, Halen Dean, Hallie Casey, Harold Porter Melcher, Hedge, James Woods, Jean DiMercurio, Jeff Chaney, JJ Ellis, Julian Ceipek, Katie Touart, Kinsey Wilson and Margaret Low, Marina Cerame, Meghan Utz, Melissa Hernandez, Nathaniel Gibson, Olivia Juniper, R. Scott Creighton

RamRot, Randy Lovings, Rebecca Gates, Rees Schofield, Rhiannon Cooper, Samuel Schwimmer, Sara Shanahan, Savvy Cornett, Stephanie Tully, Taj Chawla, Temmy Silver, Travis Reaves, Victor Casados, Vijay Srivastava, Vincent Z, and Wacky-D

Now head on over to the food court, because today’s Weiner World Special Is: Bile Bouillabaisse! Is that how you say that? Bouillabaisse? Bouillaba- Bile… Bile Bouillabaisse! Who-? I wrote this!