[[MUSIC: Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song. 30 seconds of a rockin’ 90s bass line with drums and electric guitar]]

-- Scene 01--

[[SFX: A crowd bustles in the main concourse of Brimstone Valley Mall, three chimes sound over the Mall’s PA system before the following announcement]]

TRAINEE (MALL ANNOUNCEMENT): Hello citizens of Brimstone Valley Mall! Head Chef Nisroch is still looking for volunteers for the next morgue raid. Like, if you want a five finger corndog, you gotta bring in the bodies first. Sign up sheet will be posted just outside of Weiner World for the rest of the week. Also Zalla, the demon whose face is in her groin, will be hosting morning pilates in demonskin in the front of Foot Closet tomorrow morning at dawn. Head over there to stretch out all your demon-y parts. That’s all for now! Love you, -xoxo Trainee

[[SFX: Fade to the hostess stand at Crapplebee’s, nondescript music plays quietly in the background]]

WAITRESS: [deadpan] Hi, welcome to Crapplebee’s, how big is your party?  

XAPHAN: Two. 

WAITRESS: Craptastic. You can follow me to your table.

[[SFX: Footsteps across the carpet as WAITRESS leads HORNBLAS and XAPHAN to their table, inside Crapplebee’s dishware clatters faintly from the kitchen]]

HORNBLAS: So, come on. Why Crapplebee’s? Is this, like, the hot new spot in the mall since I’ve been gone?

XAPHAN: Ohoho no. No one comes to Crapplebee’s. The food here is terrible. 

HORNBLAS: Well then why are we-

XAPHAN: Because no demon would set foot in here. Crapplebee’s is untouchable. Frozen in time. The humans who work here are so dead inside they didn’t even notice when the mall was taken over. Even Nisroch won’t touch this place. It’s - quote, un-quote - “Outside the jurisdiction of the food court. Lawless.” That’s what they said. 

HORNBLAS: You know a lot about Crapplebee’s. And just… stuff in general. Like, are you always like this?

XAPHAN: Knowing things is my job! I report the news of comings and goings around the mall to our fearless leader, Trainee. 

HORNBLAS: [introspective] Damn. How has so much changed?

XAPHAN: You changed it.

WAITRESS: Here’s your table, if you want it. It’s exactly the same as all of the other tables.

XAPHAN: Thank you.

WAITRESS: No, no.

[[SFX: WAITRESS walks away, HORNBLAS and XAPHAN slide into the vinyl booth seats. A TV in over by the bar plays a sports game]]

HORNBLAS: Okay I officially hate it here. We could have just had this conversation in the parking lot, I don’t get why we have to-

XAPHAN: Okay Hornblas, I have a confession to make. I haven’t been honest with you.

HORNBLAS: What? But I just met you!

XAPHAN: I lied about why we came here. 

HORNBLAS: Why does everyone lie to me?

XAPHAN: I knew you wouldn’t come if I told you the real reason. But the truth is… There is exactly one demon who frequents Crapplebee’s. In fact, he’s been here since the dust settled after the Great Summoning. And I think he might be the only one who can help us. 

HORNBLAS: How mysterious of you.

XAPHAN: I told you.

HORNBLAS: Alright. I’ll bite. Who’s this Crapplebee’s demon?

[[SFX: WAITRESS returns to the table]]

WAITRESS: Alright, you kids ready to order?

HORNBLAS: [laughing incredulously] Oh, no we don’t want any- 

XAPHAN: Yes. I’ll have two strawberry dollaritas, and I’d like to send them both to the gentlemen at the bar wearing the fuchsia Hawaiian shirt. 

WAITRESS: Sure.

HORNBLAS: Aren’t you going to check our IDs or-?

WAITRESS: No. Will that be all?

XAPHAN: Yes. And please tell him they’re from us.

WAITRESS: Oh, you betcha.

[[SFX: WAITRESS walks away]]

HORNBLAS: Okay, wait, so that’s him? The margaritaville looking guy sitting over by the bar? He doesn’t look like he could walk straight, much less-

XAPHAN: Trust me. We need him.

HORNBLAS: [whispering quickly] I don’t know any self respecting demon who would be caught dead in a short-sleeved button-up hanging out in a Crapplebee’s all day- 

XAPHAN: [also whispering] Shh! He’s coming over!

HORNBLAS: Oh sweet Lucifer. You’re kidding me. It’s.. It’s…

CARPASINUS: [drunkenly] Hornblas, long time no see.

XAPHAN + HORNBLAS: Carpasinus.

CARPASINUS: That’s the name, don’t wear it out, baby!

HORNBLAS: You brought me to see Carpasinus? But I hate that guy!

XAPHAN: And he can hear you.

CARPASINUS: Go ahead, I’ve heard it all before. Thank you for the dollaritas by the way, Xaphan, Stoker of the Bellows of the Flames of Hell. Such an interesting surprise. I hope you don’t mind if I drink them here with you.

[[SFX: CARPASINUS sets down his glass and slides into the booth with them]]

CARPASINUS: I’ll just scoot on in right here, this is uncomfortably close. 

XAPHAN: Carpasinus, I-

HORNBLAS: Dude. What happened to you? 

CARPASINUS: You did, dude.

HORNBLAS: Okay, fine I get it, I ruined everybody’s lives. But what’s with the getup? 

CARPASINUS: If you’re referring to my clothes-

HORNBLAS: I’ve been forced to see you once a year for thousands of years. And every single time, you’ve been in a suit that was pressed so sharp you could probably cut yourself on it.

CARPASINUS: Not just could, I have.

HORNBLAS: But now look at you! You’re… you’re…

CARPASINUS: I’m retired. Cheers. 

[[SFX: CARPASINUS raises a glass then takes a big swig of his margarita through what sounds like a silly straw, it goes on too long]]

HORNBLAS: You look like the physical embodiment of a Jimmy Buffét song. 

CARPASINUS: Eh so what? [sings] Cause I like Pina coladas! Ooh! Spreading torture and pain! Mm! I wanna nosh on your insides, stick my teeth in your brain!

XAPHAN: Oh, that actually sounds kind of fun. No. [indistinguishable mumbling]

HORNBLAS: Look, Carp, Carpo, Carpy, Carpasinus. It’s not like I liked the old you. This is just… a big change.

CARPASINUS: The old me. Hm. Yeah. What a drag I was, right? I actually have you to thank, Hornblas. If you hadn’t gone and tried to cheat in the war between good and evil, I’d still be Satan’s best boy. Running around Hell, picking up after your messes, putting out fires left and right-

XAPHAN: [speaking very fast] I AM SORRY ABOUT THE LOSS OF KNOWLEDGE IN THE RECORDS ROOM. I AM SORRY ABOUT THE LOSS OF KNOWLEDGE IN THE RECORDS ROOM. I AM SORRY ABOUT THE LOSS OF KNOWLEDGE IN THE RECORDS ROOM. -

CARPASINUS: Oh, so that fire was you- 

XAPHAN: I AM SORRY ABOUT THE LOSS OF KNOWLEDGE IN THE RECORDS ROOM-

HORNBLAS: Xaphan. Xaphan. Girl. Girlfriend. Buddy. You’re good. We get it. I don’t know what you’re talking about, but we get it.

XAPHAN: I STARTED THE FIRE IN THE RECORDS ROOM.

HORNBLAS: That sounds pretty badass actually.

CARPASINUS: Apology accepted. 

XAPHAN: What? Really?

CARPASINUS: Of course! I was reborn in that fire. I rose from the ashes a new demon. Before that, I was nothing but a stiff, fun-hating, snot-nosed little peon, wasn’t I, Hornblas? You wrote that verbatim in your first filed complaint to Satan about my job performance, if I recall. 

HORNBLAS: You remember tha-

CARPASINUS: I remember everything, unfortunately. And turns out, my life was just a series of meaningless tasks; the enforcement of busy work as a creed. Numbers, dates, administrative checkmarks, and for what? Nothing! It all burned, and nothing happened. No consequences! Now? I’m free. To do… this. Just me and my delicious dollaritas. 

[[SFX: CARPASINUS slurps through his straw]]

HORNBLAS: That’s such a bummer.

XAPHAN: Carpasinus. You are angry at Hornblas. Your feelings are heard, and they are valid. But completely ignoring that, we need your help.

HORNBLAS: Please?

CARPASINUS: For you? The demon who single handedly forced me into an early retirement with no responsibility or clout? [acidic] Why, champ, I’d do anything. 

[[SFX: CARPASINUS continues to slurp through his straw]]

XAPHAN: The mall is sinking.

[[SFX: The sports game on TV crescendos slightly]]

HORNBLAS: C-Carpasinus? Hello?

CARPASINUS: What? Oh! Sorry. Distracted. They just turned on “The Big Game.” Do you know how to play football? It’s fascinating. First, five guys get a ball wrapped in pig-

HORNBLAS: Carpasinus, come on, focus! The mall is sinking.

CARPASINUS: Of course the mall is sinking! It’s such a strange sport, football, really, they just bash into each other and-

XAPHAN: [gasps] Wait, you know? How do you know? I only just found out, and knowledge is my job!

CARPASINUS: I assumed you all knew. What did you think that rumbling sound was? It’s been going on for weeks.

XAPHAN: Huh, honestly we never um... got around to looking into it? We’ve been busy!

CARPASINUS: Well, it’s pretty obvious and moderately interesting as a phenomenon. Never before in the history of mankind have so many demons been contained in such a small space on the material plane. We don’t belong here. Remember what happened when they tried to fit all the angels on the head of a pin in Constantinople? Same idea. The evil density is off the charts! The weight of all that evil, and all in one spot, is bound to drag the mall back down into Hell with exponential speed. Such is the un-natural order of things… 

[[SFX: More slurping]]

CARPASINUS: You really didn’t figure that out? Wow. None of you ever took a Hell-physics class, huh?

XAPHAN: [gasps] I would have loved nothing more.

HORNBLAS: Oh. Shit, SHIT. We have to do something about this!!

CARPASINUS: Why? It’s too late now, and I need another dollarita. 

XAPHAN: Wait, when did you finish those?

HORNBLAS: Look at what’s become of you, man! Where’s your pride? The Carpasinus I knew would have never stood for this chaos!

CARPASINUS: The Carpasinus you knew is dead!  He died, in flames, with all those documents in the records room.

XAPHAN: [in a loud whine] I AM SORRY FOR THE LOSS OF KNOWLEDGE IN THE RECORDS ROO-

HORNBLAS: Xaphan. Xaphan, Xaphan. We know, we know. 

XAPHAN: [sobbing dramatically] So many- so many documents…

CARPASINUS: This is the new me, baby, and the new world! Get used to it. I’m thrilled! Brimstone Valley Mall, the thorn in my side all these years, the most underperforming sector in my entire jurisdiction, slowly being enveloped by the underworld and ultimately crushed as it sinks past the Earth’s mantle? With all of us inside? It’s brilliant. Incredible. Ha! Let’s celebrate. Waitress! Oh where is that mortal husk? We need to order another round of dollaritas. This one’s on me!

XAPHAN: Losing the mall is nothing to celebrate. No, I- I love it here.

HORNBLAS: And I would love to not be crushed by the Earth’s mantle, thanks.

XAPHAN: Please, Carpasinus. I thought this might have to do with evil densities. I thought perhaps you would know how to fix it! It’s why we came to you. To band together! Like, like, comic book superheroes! To be best friends forever and save the day here in the mall! 

CARPASINUS: [cackling maniacally] “Friends?”  Do you really think we could be friends? I’ve only ever had one friend, Xaphan. My friend was the sweet sound of a file being stapled shut, and put away in a drawer, never to be seen again. Ah no. Those friends are all dead, and I don’t need new ones. I don’t need to be a hero either. I don’t need anything else in this damn eternal life! Just this here Crapplebee’s until it’s all over. [sings] I like Strawberry Dollaritas! Causing torture and pain! If you like eatin’ ass at midnight-

XAPHAN: STOP!

HORNBLAS: He’s too far gone. He’s just going to wallow here until the end. 

XAPHAN: [growling with determination] Carpasinus! At least tell us how much time we have! Until the mall sinks into the earth!

CARPASINUS: [drunk] Oh who knows. It’ll sink faster and faster each day, and I don’t get paid to do math anymore. 

[[SFX: A gong rings as a TacoBell commercial comes on the TV, the chihuahua mascot barks]]

CARPASINUS: Oh! Hey! Hey look! The commercial with the extremely small hellhound that loves tacos. I know that guy!

HORNBLAS: We gotta leave him here, Xaphan. He’s not going to help anyone like this. [to Carpasinus] You need to wake up, man. And when you do find us at the carousel.

XAPHAN: Yeah, find us at the carousel.

[[SFX: HORNBLAS and XAPHAN get up from their seats and walk out, CARPASINUS continues to slurp what is left of his drink]]

HORNBLAS: [as they walk away] Xaphan, it’s less cool when you say it right after me.

XAPHAN: But the teens always do that and they sound so cool…

CARPASINUS: [ominousy] See you at the end, heroes. You all deserve this. [suddenly joyous] Ooh! A touchdown! Haha! Or was it a field goal? Satan, I love sports.

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 02 --

[[SFX: outside in the employee parking lot]]

HORNBLAS: Alright, everyone- everyone quiet down! Xaphan’s going to do a quick headcount and then the emergency Mall Rat meeting can start!

NISROCH: He’s back for two seconds and he’s already trying to call the shots. Typical.

XAPHAN: Nisroch?

NISROCH: Here.

XAPHAN: Uh, Asmoraius?

ASMORAIUS: I’m HERE. I’m QUEER and I like it in the-

XAPHAN: Belzagor?

BELZAGOR: Xaphan, you’re looking right at me.

XAPHAN: Yes. Trent?

TRENT: Present!

BELZAGOR: Hey, who invited feathers? 

ASMORAIUS: Feathers is my boyfriend.

TRENT: Thank you so much for inviting me to this meeting, folks. It means a lot to be included. I made brownies.

XAPHAN: Now we’re just waiting on Trainee, who should be here any second now and-

[[SFX: Mall door opens in the distance and TRAINEE enters the scene]]

TRAINEE: [yelling angrily as she walks over] Who called this emergency meeting? I’m the one calling meetings these days, and honestly- [happy, big tone shift] This is kind of refreshing. Hey y’all! What’s happening? What’s the buzz? Wazzap? This is so cute! Oh, did anyone bring snacks? I can arrange for snacks.

TRENT: I have brownies!

TRAINEE: I’ll take one!

HORNBLAS: Guys- guys, this is serious!

BELZAGOR: Oh yeah? Are you gonna sell us out to the angels again? Or something else just as stupid-

NISROCH: Yeah, or something else just as stupid?

[[SFX: They all start to talk over each other, naming stupid things that Hornblas might do. They’re interrupted when the mall rumbles again]] 

NISROCH: Oh man. We really should look into that sound one of these days.

TRAINEE: Yeah. Maybe tomorrow.

XAPHAN: This is exactly why we have called the emergency meeting. Hornblas and I have discovered the source of the Big Rumbling! And it is Not Good.

ASMORAIUS: I think we all assumed it was probably something bad.

BELZAGOR: Yeah just like not bad enough to do something about right now, y’know?

NISROCH: Who has time to just run around investigating rumblings anyways?

HORNBLAS: Guys. Guys! This is important?

NISROCH: Okay then spit it out!

HORNBLAS: Alright. [clears throat] Demons of the Brimstone Valley Mall. Today Xaphan and I have made a terrible discovery. The mall is-

XAPHAN: [very quickly] THE MALL IS SINKING INTO HELL!!

HORNBLAS: Yeah, that.

BELZAGOR: Wait what?

ASMORAIUS: Is that… a thing? That can happen? 

NISROCH: The whole mall? 

HORNBLAS: Look over there to the far edge of the parking lot! You see that ledge? Surrounding the mall?

TRAINEE: Woah. Like. When did that get there?

TRENT: Wait you guys didn’t know about that? That was already there when Hornblas and I arrived.

BELZAGOR: [mockingly] Oh, look at me, I’m an angel. I have 20/20 vision.

TRENT: In my full angel form, I’m like 80% eyes.

BELZAGOR: Sounds lame.

TRENT: It’s not.

XAPHAN: That ledge looks to be almost ten feet tall now, and it will grow every day! Exponentially! Soon we won’t be able to leave the mall at all!

DAMIEN: Oh yeah, that’s been happening for a while.

RAVEN: Yeah we have to climb over it every time we go on a morgue run for Nisroch.

NISROCH: Why didn’t you say something?

RAVEN: That’s above our paygrade.

NISROCH: Wait. Am I paying you?

RAVEN: I… don’t actually know…

BELZAGOR: So we’ve been, like, actively sinking? All of us? 

ASMORAIUS: [wistfully] You know, the sky has seemed a little further away lately.

TRENT: Asmoraius, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you willingly go outside.

ASMORAIUS: Alright, you got me. I just wanted to feel included. 

HORNBLAS: This gathering of demons has created an evil density greater than the mortal plane has ever seen!

BELZAGOR: [under her breath] Yep, and whose fault is that?

XAPHAN: If we don’t do something. The mall is going to fall through the Earth’s crust, get incinerated by a fiery lava layer, and what’s left will slam down into Hell. Like, KABLOOOM!

[[SFX: A brief pause. A crow caws in the background]]

TRAINEE: That sounds like… really bad.

ASMORAIUS: Oh the DRAMA! 

TRENT: It’s okay, babe. Um. Here’s an idea. What if we just left the Mall? 

[[SFX: Everyone gasps]]

ASMORAIUS: Trent! How could you even suggest such a thing?

BELZAGOR: That’s some angel bullshit.

NISROCH: I should cook you for even thinking it!

XAPHAN: The mall is our home! The mall is our home!

TRENT: But, there are other malls! Like Woodbridge Commons, Menlo Park Mall, South Hills Village-

TRAINEE: That one’s a shopping center.

TRENT:  You know what I mean!

ASMORAIUS: Oooooh, you and I are [whispered] talking about this later.

TRAINEE: Okay, okay. So like. This isn’t a huge deal! We can handle this. None of us want to leave the Mall. Let’s not panic. We’ll just put our heads together and, like, work out a solution. 

XAPHAN: You’re so wise.

TRAINEE: OH-EM-ESS like thanks, Xaphan. You’re like, really wise too.

XAPHAN: [happy noises]

NISROCH: And what do you suggest, Madame Mall President?

TRAINEE: Are you, like, being sarcastic? 

NISROCH: What? No! Why? Did I sound sarcastic? 

XAPHAN: Yes. 

NISROCH: Oh.

TRAINEE: Okay okay. So spitballing here. I know that like a lot of constituents of the Mall actually do want to go back down to Hell, right? And it’s been like, pretty crowded ever since Hornblast over there like a total dummy and screwed everything up for everyone, right? So to me it sounds like we need to find a way to send at least some of these demons back into Hell. And like, lighten the load or whatever.

BELZAGOR: If it were that easy, we would have just sent everyone home months ago.

TRAINEE: To be fair we also haven’t really tried. I mean, like how hard can that be? I snuck down into Hell once and I was still human back then.

ASMORAIUS: Now that hell is empty, no one would be guarding the gate. 

BELZAGOR: But that also means there’s also no one running the Negabus. 

NISROCH: There are other Hell Portals scattered around the surface.

BELZAGOR: And there would be no one running those either! No chariots, no boatmen, no handbasket portals, no pogosticks operators-

TRENT: Wait, you can get to hell on a pogostick?

BELZAGOR: If you try hard enough.

HORNBLAS: We could always have everyone jump in a volcano! I did that once in Mount Tambora to get away from a really clingy one night stand. It hurts like hell, but it’ll get you there pretty quick.

XAPHAN: The closest active volcano to here is in Mexico City.

HORNBLAS: You really just know things, huh?

TRAINEE: Ooh! I got all the way to Spanish 2 before I turned into a demon president! ¡Hola! Like, quisiera un volcán con queso, por favor!

NISROCH: As pleasant as jumping in a volcano sounds, I think we are missing the solution that is right in front of us: Hornblas.

HORNBLAS: Uhh-

NISROCH: You got us into this mess. You should get us out! You like playing the hero, then be one. Summon everyone back down! 

HORNBLAS: Nisroch, my powers are… broken.

NISROCH: I don’t care if you have to do it one at a time! In fact I would prefer it. Start now.

TRENT: I don’t know, back in Heaven they tried to get his powers back and-

BELZAGOR: And how was he supposed to recover his powers locked in a cell? 

TRENT: Hey, don’t yell at me. I’m the one who busted him out!

BELZAGOR: I don’t care! You should have kept him from going in there in the first place!

HORNBLAS: That means a lot, Belz.

BELZAGOR: Shut up! I’m still mad at you!

TRAINEE: Maybe we can help you get your powers back. Xaphan knows how to find out like almost anything.

XAPHAN: Yes. The internet! It’s coming.

HORNBLAS: Whatever it takes, guys. I’m willing to try. I want to fix things.

BELZAGOR: It’s gonna take more than tha- [gets elbowed by ASMORAIUS] OW!

ASMORAIUS: Shush. He’s having a personal growth moment.

TRAINEE: Oh, personal growth! That’s like, so cute. 

HORNBLAS: I know that this won’t be enough to make up for the mess I got us in. But it’s a start. And if I’ve learned anything from these past few months away from you guys, it’s that I can’t do this alone. This affects all of us, so I’m going to ask for your help. 

NISROCH: Ugh, if that’s what it takes, but I’m not happy about it.

XAPHAN: I love helping!

HORNBLAS: Well, honestly, this is gonna sound kinda weird but uh, I’m gonna need some furbies. 

BELZAGOR: [dangerously] Some what?

[[SFX: BELZAGOR takes a step towards HORNBLAS]]

TRENT: Uh oh. 

HORNBLAS: They’re these creepy lookin’ things that the angels had me working with up in Heaven- 

BELZAGOR: Oh, I know what they are. I invented them!

HORNBLAS: You- What? No, no. Furbies are just- they’re just these little robots that are, like, a little evil. Their evil density isn’t as high as an actual demon so I was able to practice with them. Work my way up. Sort of like summoning training wheels. The angels made them for me and-

BELZAGOR: They’re called FURBABIES! And I invented them!

ASMORAIUS: Yeah, Belzagor is the original! The furmommy.

BELZAGOR: Never call me that again. How? How did you get them? In Heaven?

TRENT: Now, now. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

HORNBLAS: I don’t know! The angels had them like mass produced and distributed all over Earth or whatever so I could practice summoning them up to Heaven! 

BELZAGOR: And WHERE do you think they got the designs, huh?!

TRENT: What if we all took some nice calming breaths and-

BELZAGOR: [venomously] YOU. 

TRENT: Me?

BELZAGOR: Yes you, you FEATHER-HEAD! 

TRENT: I was just—

BELZAGOR: HOW DID THE ANGELS GET MY DESIGNS?!

TRENT: I... [deep sigh] I was dispatched to walk around the mall disguised as Santa. And I just. Took the blueprints off the counter in Gadget Hut when you were helping a customer.

ASMORAIUS: Trent!

BELZAGOR: You stole them?!

TRENT: It wasn’t stealing! I was told they’d be returned! Angels aren’t allowed to steal!

BELZAGOR: There is not enough holy water in the world for how blasted I need to get right now. I’ll be in the dumpster.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR storms off across the parking lot]]

HORNBLAS: Belz, I-

NISROCH: No no. Let furmommy go.

ASMORAIUS: The real question here is how do you keep tricking people with your terrible disguises?

TRENT: I often wonder the same thing. I think people look at me and they just see what they wanna see.

ASMORAIUS: Let’s unpack that later, darling.

TRAINEE: Okay that was like un escandalo. But we’re getting off track here. Hornblas needs furbies to practice on. Raven has one in her mom’s basement. We can start with that.

HORNBLAS: Uh, I don’t know who Raven is-

TRAINEE: She’s literally right there.

RAVEN: Hi. I bullied you the other day.

HORNBLAS: Oh, well, whatever. No one has a furby anymore. I summoned all of them up to Heaven. Just before Y2K. As one final test of my powers. 

NISROCH: Hold on. You mean to tell me there is a place in Heaven that currently contains every Furbaby ever made.

TRENT: Yep. Just a big room up in Heaven. Full of furbies.

TRAINEE: Okay focus, people, FOCUS. So if there are no furbies left on earth, Belzagor will just have to make some new ones. [calling out] Right Belz? 

[[SFX: BELZAGOR slams the dumpster lid shut in the distance]]

NISROCH: She’ll probably be in there for a while.

XAPHAN: I’ll go talk to her. 

TRAINEE: Good idea ‘cause I am not climbing in there. Ew. Alright. Everyone, back in the mall, and don’t tell anyone about this. We’ll let all the other demons know once we’ve got a solution! Hands in! Say “four” on three! Ready? 

XAPHAN: Ooh! My hand is in!

ASMORAIUS: Four on what?

TRAINEE: One! Two! Three! 

ALL: Four! (Four?) 

NISROCH: That was stupid.

TRAINEE: We’ve got this! Now let’s go save the mall!

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 03 --

[[SFX: BELZAGOR shuffles around inside the dumpster. XAPHAN knocks on the outside]]

XAPHAN: [gently]  Knock knock. 

BELZAGOR: Go away.

XAPHAN: It’s just me. Everyone else went back inside.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR shifts in her seat among the trash, XAPHAN knocks again, softly]]

XAPHAN: May I come in?

BELZAGOR: [sighs] Yeah. 

[[SFX: XAPHAN opens the lid of the dumpster and climbs inside, landing in the trash next to BELZAGOR with a painful thump]]

XAPHAN: OUCH!

BELZAGOR: Xaphan!

XAPHAN: Owowowowow!

BELZAGOR: You can’t just jump in butt first! Who knows what’s in here?

XAPHAN: Oh, I landed on a-

[[SFX: XAPHAN pulls out some trash from under her]]

XAPHAN: Oh, a spork.

BELZAGOR: [laughing] Oh man, dude. You’re gonna have a spork shaped bruise on your ass.

XAPHAN: [laughing too] Maybe I’ll have it immortalized as a tattoo! 

BELZAGOR: Hey, you’d look good with tattoos.

XAPHAN: Oh! [blushes, weird giggling]

BELZAGOR: No seriously, like an arm tat or a neck tat. Oh, and you could do a whole sleeve of quotes from books you like.

XAPHAN: [gasps] That would be brilliant!

BELZAGOR: I dig it. We could get matching quotes or whatever. 

XAPHAN: I would like nothing more.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR sighs and unscrews the lid of her flask]]

BELZAGOR: [sighs]

XAPHAN: You’re not okay.

BELZAGOR: Nope. 

[[SFX: BELZAGOR takes a swig]]

BELZAGOR: I feel like I haven’t been okay in [clicks tongue] a while. Want some?

XAPHAN: No thank you. It makes me barf.

BELZAGOR: Oh, right. 

XAPHAN: When was the last time you- I don’t know, did feel okay? 

BELZAGOR: That’s a good question actually. Umm… Honestly? Since, like, before you even showed up.

XAPHAN: Oh. … Uh Oh!…. Did I… Do …

BELZAGOR: What? [realizing] OH! No nonono. That’s- That’s not it-

XAPHAN: No, it’s- It’s okay if it is!

BELZAGOR: No no no, it has nothing to do with you.

XAPHAN: NO, DO I MAKE YOU SAD?!

BELZAGOR: No no that’s not it at all! 

XAPHAN: NO, DID I RUIN YOUR LIFE?!

BELZAGOR: I love having you around!! You’re great!

XAPHAN: NO, ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ME??

BELZAGOR: Wait what? That’s not even possible-

XAPHAN: I can leave!

BELZAGOR: No, Xaphan, I like you a lot! Like a lot! Please stay here in the dumpster with me.

XAPHAN: You mean it?

BELZAGOR: Yes. Totally. 

XAPHAN: [sighs in relief] Okay. Okay.

BELZAGOR: If anything I’m surprised you like being around me. You’ve only ever known me as, like, kind of a bummer.

XAPHAN: You just have a lot of feelings.

BELZAGOR: I’m not usually like this. I’ve always been a pretty chill demon. This stuff with Hornblas has just got me all messed up. I’m like, I dunno. Like a raw nerve all the time. 

XAPHAN: Emo.

BELZAGOR: What?

XAPHAN: Emo. It’s a new thing. It’s like being emotional but… cool.

BELZAGOR: Ha. You think I’m cool?

XAPHAN: Everyone thinks you’re cool.

BELZAGOR: That’s funny, cause I’m definitely not as cool as you are.

XAPHAN: [laughs] Me? But you’re like the epitome of cool!

BELZAGOR: Xaphan, In the past few months that you’ve been surface side, you’ve done a million amazing things. You learned to read by yourself. You taught yourself the xylophone. You made, like, ten friends in a week which is a lot, I’ve only made four. You jumped in and sang with Mall Rat right at the last minute when Hornblas didn’t show up. You didn’t know about, like, anything when you first got here, and now you’re the right hand man to the teen president of the mall? You know so much about so much, and you’re always running around doing stuff. Not to mention that like, everyone likes you. Seriously, everyone in Mall Rat would kill for you. You know that right?

XAPHAN: Everyone in Mall Rat generally enjoys killing.

BELZAGOR: Fair point. But you know what I mean? You’re just. You’re great, Xaphan. You just love what you love and do what you want. That, to me, is cool. All I’ve done is be emo over some guy who turned out to be a total loser.

XAPHAN: No, he’s not a loser. And he’s not just some guy! He was your best friend. He made some mistakes. Oh, also to be emo you have to dress like it. There’s a uniform.

BELZAGOR: Oh?

XAPHAN: Let me see.

[[SFX: XAPHAN rummages around in the garbage and pulls out a magazine]]

XAPHAN: Perfect!

BELZAGOR: Ew, this magazine looks like it was underneath- 

XAPHAN: Oh, it was under a pizza.

BELZAGOR: Yeah. That’s exactly it. 

XAPHAN: Here. Emo fashion, page 42.

BELZAGOR: Huh. Emo’s kinda cool. I can get into it.

[[SFX: They flip through the pages]]

XAPHAN: I like the stripes. 

BELZAGOR: Wait, hang on, look at this. [reading] “Lawsuit: Mysterious Disappearance of Furbies. Did you or a loved one buy a furby for Christmas only to have it disappear shortly before New Years? You may be entitled to compensation blah blah blah.” Huh. You know, I was so caught up in looking for Hornblas, I didn’t even realize I’d stopped getting sincoins after Christmas. He must have summoned them all right before we went to New York.

XAPHAN: I’m sorry the angels stole your design.

BELZAGOR: Pff. Honestly? It’s not even one of my better inventions. Did you know I had a prototype going for a fully electric car? A few years back. I called it a Coil. Y’know, after the tesla coil. Or like the other week I designed this whole system where you could store digital data in a big server that you could, like, access at any time via the internet so your computer wouldn’t run out of memory. I called it the Rain Cloud. Cause it like, rained data down into your computer. 

XAPHAN: Those both sound amazing!

BELZAGOR: Eh, the Coil turned out to be more of a deathtrap. And the Rain Cloud wouldn’t scale up. You’d need these massive server farms and I was like ‘meh’. I scrapped it.

XAPHAN: Bummer.

BELZAGOR: But part of the reason I love being on Earth is that I can try to invent whatever I want! Even if it’s not good. I still get the chance to try out new ideas and see what happens. But I haven’t felt inspired recently. And now I’ve gotta rebuild furbies, and I don’t even remember how I made them to begin with.

XAPHAN: Hmmm. [gasps] I have an idea!

BELZAGOR: Hit me.

XAPHAN: Okay, there are Six Parts. 

BELZAGOR: Oh that’s um-

XAPHAN: Part 1: We grab five finger corndogs. And you can get a slushie. For sustenance.

BELZAGOR: Okay-

XAPHAN: Part 2: We visit the bookstore, and check out everything we can on the phenomenon of Memory Recall.

BELZAGOR: Where is this going-

XAPHAN: Part 3: We go back to GadgetHut, and I help you remember how to build a furbaby.

BELZAGOR: Okay-

XAPHAN: Part 4: We’ll build them together! Bigger and better and stronger than ever!

BELZAGOR: And creepier?

XAPHAN: [whispers] And creepier.

BELZAGOR: Alright!

XAPHAN: Part 5: We throw them in a bag to bring to Hornblas to practice with.

BELZAGOR: Fine!

XAPHAN: Part 6: We immediately go to Hot Topic. Buy every striped fingerless glove, hair straightener, eyeliner, and band t-shirt we can get our hands on-

XAPHAN + BELZAGOR: And have a full emo makeover montage! 

BELZAGOR: Xaphan, you’re a genius!

XAPHAN: Let’s get out of this dumpster. 

BELZAGOR: YEAH!

XAPHAN: There is no time to lose! Come on!

[[SFX: They open the lid of the dumpster]]

XAPHAN: Oh, and you can bring the flask if you’d like!

BELZAGOR: You know what?

[[SFX: BELZAGOR screws the lid back on her flask]] 

BELZAGOR: I think I’ll leave it here. 

[[SFX: They both climb out of the dumpster and start walking back towards the mall]]

BELZAGOR: Now let’s do this!

XAPHAN: I want every corndog!

BELZAGOR: What do you think would happen if we dipped a corndog in a slushie?

XAPHAN: Magic! Oh, it would be magic!

BELZAGOR: It’ll probably be gross.

XAPHAN: Gross magic! Let’s do it!

[[SFX: The metal door shuts behind them]]

[[MUSIC: Outro - Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song plays over credits]]

-- CREDITS --

KRISTEN DIMERCURIO: Demons and Mortals alike, thank you for listening to Brimstone Valley Mall. This show was written and directed by Kristen DiMercurio, hey! That’s me. It was co-written by Mark Wolf Roberts and Talia Rochmann. This episode was sound designed by Mischa Stanton, and recorded by Phil DiMercurio and Evan Chambers. Featuring performances by: Regina Russell as Trainee, Bex-Taylor Klaus as Nisroch, Susannah Wilson as Belzagor, Isa Braun as Xaphan, Mark Wolf Roberts as Asmoraius, B. Dave Walters as Hornblas, Chris Trindade as Trent, Damien, and Carpasinus, and Jordan Cobb as Raven

Additional voices by: Julia Schifini

Our theme music is written and performed by FM Buller. Our show art is designed by Talia Rochmann. Brimstone Valley Mall is produced by Kristen DiMercurio. Associate producers: Lyn Rafil, Mischa Stanton, and Bex Taylor-Klaus

For news, fanart and more, you can follow us on twitter at bvmpod, and facebook, instagram, and tumblr at brimstonevalleymall.

Also a huge thank you to our indiegogo supporters. We’re looking at you: 

Joshua Daum, Jules Tozzi, Julia Reza, Julian Haller, Julie Stewart, Juno Robertson, Kamara Ostos, Kara Roach, Kat Arnett. Katie Clementi, Kayla Gray, Kayla Kantola, Keeley Hill, Kelly Brennan, Kevdonelly, Kevin, Kif Merghani, Kiley Warlick, Kim Church, Kirsten Rody, Kit Foster, Kraig Ballard, Kyle Burdick, Lauren Lane, Leanne Egan, Lee, Lev Earle, and Lexo Orchard

And as usual, huge thank you to: 

AmeBot2038, Antigone Brickman, Ari Rochmann, Axel Kennedy, Barbara Klaus, Bethany Gorka, Cameron Lochrie, Carol Wolf, Caroline Claudino, Cassandra Shay, Curtis Dibrell JR., Dani Sakaida, De.annaell, Eleanor Hyde, Elizabeth Baquet, Etrigan, Gigi Watson, Halen Dean, Hallie Casey, Harold Porter Melcher, Hedge, James Woods, Jean DiMercurio, Jeff Chaney, JJ Ellis, Julian Ceipek, Katie Touart, Kinsey Wilson and Margaret Low, Marina Cerame, Meghan Utz, Melissa Hernandez, Nathaniel Gibson, Olivia Juniper, R. Scott Creighton

RamRot, Randy Lovings, Rebecca Gates, Rees Schofield, Rhiannon Cooper, Samuel Schwimmer, Sara Shanahan, Savvy Cornett, Stephanie Tully, Taj Chawla, Temmy Silver, Travis Reaves, Victor Casados, Vijay Srivastava, Vincent Z, and Wacky-D

Now head on over to the food court, because today’s Weiner World Special Is: Cornea Consume