[[MUSIC: Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song. 30 seconds of a rockin’ 90s bass line with drums and electric guitar]]

-- Scene 01--

[[SFX: The main concourse of Brimstone Valley Mall, three chimes sound over the Mall’s PA system before the following announcement]]

TRAINEE (MALL ANNOUNCEMENT): Attention Brimstone Valley Mall Citizens, this is Trainee, coming at you with today’s announcements. Number one: if you see a guy walking around the mall with big fluffy angel wings, mind your business, we’re handling it. Two: We still don’t know what the rumbling sound is so stop asking me. I’m, like, not a scientist. 3. Tonight’s community movie screening at BlockBlaster will be Kendo Kids 4: Return of the Stick starting at 8, so bring your popcorn! Also, remember to hydrate! Thanks, love you. - xoxo Trainee.

[[SFX: Cut to the Wiener World Kitchen]]

BELZAGOR: I can’t believe that’s what happened to Hornblas, after we took the bus to Hell to find him?

NISROCH: Belzagor, stop shaking your fist like that. You’re getting blood all over the kitchen. Sit over there. First aid kit’s in my office.

BELZAGOR: You mean your closet?

NISROCH: My office. I’ll grab your flask too.

BELZAGOR: I don’t even know if I want a drink to be honest. Okay, that’s a lie I definitely do want a drink.

[[SFX: NISROCH walks back into the closet, rummages around for their first aid kit]]

BELZAGOR: [calling out] You don’t have to do this, Nissy. My hand is fine. 

[[SFX: NISROCH comes back out with the kit and flask. They open it and start to treat BELZAGOR’s wounds over the following dialogue]]

NISROCH: Don’t call me that. And no it’s not fine, it looks like you put your hand in a blender.

BELZAGOR: You would know what that looks like.

NISROCH: Literally yes.

BELZAGOR: Yeah well, Xaphan’s waiting for me in the food court. To ride the Carousel.

NISROCH: She’s probably busy sampling all the gum stuck under the tables. She’s fine. Your hand is not.

BELZAGOR: It’s just humanskin. It heals eventually. Like, a few weeks. Or whatever.

NISROCH: You have to be careful in humanskin. This shit is delicate.

BELZAGOR: Yeah, yeah, and if you “die in humanskin you die in real life.” It’s a load of crap.

NISROCH: And how are you supposed to fix everything that breaks around here if your hand is all- 

[[SFX: A lighter flicks, BELZAGOR lights up a cigarette]] 

NISROCH: Hey don’t smoke in my kitchen!

BELZAGOR: Or what? The health department is gonna shut you down? There hasn’t been a human in this mall for weeks, unless they’re in your fryer. Speaking of which, where are the teens? Don’t you have this place basically run around the clock?

NISROCH: Gave them the rest of the day off. They’ve been working a lot. 

BELZAGOR: Wow. Nisroch, I think you’ve gone soft.

NISROCH: Oh, give me one of those. 

BELZAGOR: Ah, but you’re still a hypocrite. Good, I was beginning to worry.

[[SFX: NISROCH lights a cigarette, inhales]]

NISROCH: I have not gone soft. [they exhale] I’m just tired. Now hold still, this is gonna sting.

[[SFX: NISROCH pours a liquid on BELZAGOR’s knuckles, it sizzles]]

BELZAGOR: [sharp inhale] Ow! That hurts more than the punch!

NISROCH: I find that hard to believe. Hornblas has an extremely thick skull.

BELZAGOR: Hah. Yeah. So uh. [clicks her tongue] Where’s that flask?

NISROCH: Right here. But hold still. This knuckle might need stitches.

BELZAGOR: I do not need stitches. It’s fine- [sharp inhale] 

BELZAGOR: AH! Ouch! Warn a girl next time! Wait, is that sparkles? Did you put glitter on me? 

NISROCH: Do I look like the kind of demon who has ever voluntarily touched glitter? No, no, I think this was on Hornblas’s skin when you hit him.

BELZAGOR: Ugh. Heaven is so gross.

NISROCH: If you don’t want stitches then I’ll use the tape. 

BELZAGOR: Duct tape? I have some clipped right on my chain-

NISROCH: Medical tape.

BELZAGOR: Suit yourself. [giggles] Get it? Suture?

[[SFX: NISROCH peels and cuts medical tape from the roll]]

NISROCH: I hate you.

NISROCH: So. Are we going to talk abou-

BELZAGOR: There’s nothing to talk about. 

BELZAGOR: Don’t look at me like that.

NISROCH: Belz, the demon you’re absolutely obsessed with just dropped out of the sky and landed back into your life after betraying not only you but-

BELZAGOR: I am not obsessed with him.

NISROCH: You have his demon sigil tattooed on your humanskin.

BELZAGOR: Yeah as like a sign of our eternal friendship- OW! Ugh.

NISROCH: Stop moving, wrapping knuckles is weird.

BELZAGOR: You’re making it too tight.

NISROCH: It’ll stop the bleeding.

BELZAGOR: He just. Ugh. He deserves so much more than one measly punch.

NISROCH: That wasn’t measly. And you only have two hands. So if you’re going to hit him again, go do it now so I can bandage both of them at once and save myself some time.

BELZAGOR: He sided with the angels, Nisroch.

NISROCH: He thought he was doing us a favor. 

BELZAGOR: But he didn’t even talk to me about it!

NISROCH: He’s never had to ask for permission for things before. Why start now?

BELZAGOR: We were almost kidnapped and imprisoned in Heaven!

NISROCH: Hornblas was just too dumb to figure out what was happening.

BELZAGOR: Why are you defending him?

NISROCH: I’m not defending him. He’s just an idiot. He made a huge mistake. But I guess I’m just- not as surprised as you are. 

BELZAGOR: What’s that supposed to mean?

NISROCH: How many times a day do you think about Hornblas?

BELZAGOR: Okay. I see where you’re going with this, and it’s not like that, I just-

NISROCH: I’m not trying to say it’s “like that”. [mutters “it totally is”] Whatever your feelings are about Hornblas, they are too strong, and it clouds your judgment.

BELZAGOR: Ohoho, and your eyes are so clear because you’re so wise-

NISROCH: [calmly] I’m not wise, I’m just as angry as you.

BELZAGOR: You don’t sound angry. You normally yell more when you’re angry. And when you’re not angry.

NISROCH: Oh I’m livid. But even more than that, I’m tired.

BELZAGOR: I figured you’d be happy about all this.

NISROCH: Why would I, of all people, be happy? In general?

BELZAGOR: You’ve always been jealous of Hornblas. Now everyone hates him. I figured you’d probably feel great- OW!

NISROCH: There. You’re all patched up. 

[[SFX: NISROCH puts away their first aid kit]]

BELZAGOR: Can I have that flask now?

NISROCH: Here.

[[SFX: NISROCH hands BELZAGOR the flask, she takes a swig]]

NISROCH: You’re right. I was jealous of him. That’s not a secret. Everyone knew it. But. Now, I don’t know. It’s complicated. 

[[SFX: NISROCH takes a drag of their cigarette]]

BELZAGOR: Well you’re definitely more popular than him now. Every demon in Hell is flocking to eat your cooking every single day.

NISROCH: Well. That’s sort of.. [sighs] Forget it.

BELZAGOR: Nisroch. Use your words.

NISROCH: Fine. I guess, Well. This was my dream, Belz. Sure, this is not the way I thought it would happen, but hey. I’m the head chef for all of the denizens of Hell. And they like it! They’ll eat anything I make. Legions of the damned line up outside of my kitchen… Gimme a swig of that.

[[SFX: NISROCH swigs]]

BELZAGOR: Kitchens plural. You run every counter in the food court. 

NISROCH: Right! And I’ve gotten to try my hand at so many new food-court cuisines. Forget wieners, now I make double dipped kidney cones, toe jam hoagies, orange glazed eyeball stir fry. I’ve come so far from plain buttered noodles. I went from begging people to even try my food for free, to 86ing half the menu every day by three PM! Belzagor, I am absolutely living the dream I always had. And I didn’t even have to leave Earth to do it!

ASMORAIUS: [abruptly bursting through the kitchen door] Did somebody say 69ing?!

NISROCH + BELZAGOR: No.

[[SFX: Footsteps as ASMORAIUS leaves the kitchen without another word]]

BELZAGOR: So now, on top of all that, the guy who you were always jealous of has completely and totally tanked his own reputation as Hell’s golden boy. Congratulations. You’ve won.

NISROCH: Then why do I feel so bad?

BELZAGOR: [scoffs] I mean, aside from that being like one of your core character traits?

NISROCH: Okay fair, but lately I feel terrible! I’m constantly exhausted, running from one kitchen to another. Making sure everything runs smoothly, but there’s no- I don’t know. There’s no drive to it anymore. Even barking orders to subordinates has become a chore, and I love barking orders to subordinates! I spend all day doing what I’m supposed to love and yet I feel like garbage.

BELZAGOR: Maybe it’s too much dude. Every time I come visit you at Weiner World, you’re never here.

NISROCH: Because I’m too busy running from counter to counter in this damn food court! I mean. When was the last time we just hung out in the parking lot after a long day? 

BELZAGOR: [blows air through her lips, exasperated] Can’t say.

NISROCH: And it’s not just you. Asmoraius has been busy turning the arcade into that gaudy monstrosity. Xaphan is always with Trainee in the bookstore. I think they’ve started a government? 

BELZAGOR: [a noncommittal “I dunno” sound]

NISROCH: Hell, even just seeing the teens almost feels like a relief. Ugh. That’s when you know it’s gotten bad. I’m a wreck, and now on top of everything, I have to deal with Hornblas being back.

BELZAGOR: Tell me about it. I can’t believe I pushed so hard for us to find him. I was stupid enough to think that he wouldn’t abandon us for no reason, that he was in real trouble. And then it turned out he was busy trying to screw over everyone and everything? Because he thought he was so special? 

NISROCH: You probably feel-

BELZAGOR: Like an IDIOT?

NISROCH: Yeah I was gonna say that. Like an idiot.

BELZAGOR: I feel so stupid! Like. Yeah, you were right I was obsessed with him! The way he does anything he wants! How things just seemed so possible to him? Like when I was with him it was like, I really believed that shit would work out. No matter what. Even my stupid pointless inventions. I even liked it when he’d get all mopey and depressed because he, like, thought too hard about art or whatever. I knew how to bring him out of it. Cheer him up. And somehow that felt good? And. I don’t know! Maybe… ugh, maybe it was something more than friendship. Maybe it was obvious to everyone but me! Maybe I don’t know anything! Maybe I should just stick to my stupid little inventions and never try to talk to anyone again. Maybe I have terrible taste in friends.

NISROCH: Hey! Uh uh! You do not have terrible taste in friends. Because I’m your friend, and I am great.

BELZAGOR: Nisroch, you’re literally the worst.

NISROCH: No, you’re literally the worst!

BELZAGOR: Fine! Then we’re both literally the worst! We’re the two worst demons on Earth!

NISROCH: Yeah! And we’re still better than Hornblas!

BELZAGOR: Yeah! Fuck that guy!

NISROCH: [laughs] You’re gonna have to get that tattoo covered up. 

BELZAGOR: Ugh, I just miss the old days so much when we were all just here. Messing around, and…

NISROCH: Me too.

BELZAGOR: I haven’t played the bass in I don’t know how long.

NISROCH: Mall Rat hasn’t played together since-

BELZAGOR: Since Y2K. Ugh. This sucks!

NISROCH: Everything sucks, let’s break something! 

BELZAGOR: Yeah! Screw it! Gimme another sip of that! 

[[SFX: BELZAGOR glugs from the flask]]

NISROCH: [laughs mischievously] Yeah, screw this kitchen! I’ve been stuck in this stupid food court for weeks now. And I’ve. Had. Enough! Stupid fryer that never turns on the first time! Take THAT!

[[SFX: NISROCH kicks the side of the fryer hard]]

NISROCH: [howls in pain]

[[SFX: BELZAGOR chokes on her holy water, laughing]] 

BELZAGOR: [still laughing] Oh my satan, Nisroch! The look on your face!

NISROCH: MY FOOT!! 

BELZAGOR: [still laughing] The fryer is metal dude! You’re gonna break your foot!

NISROCH: Owwwww!

BELZAGOR: Hahaha wait wait- am I going to have to wrap your foot now? [suddenly serious] Because real talk I don’t like feet.

NISROCH: Ohhh, that was so stupid.

BELZAGOR: I have a better way to blow off steam. Come on. Let’s go back to Gadgethut. I’ve got a Mega Dreamblast in the stockroom. 

NISROCH: What the Hell is a Mega Dreamblast? 

BELZAGOR: Newest game system. Just got it in stock. There’s this game called Speedy Blue Mouse Adventure. You play as this little rodent guy in sneakers that rolls around really fast and-

NISROCH: Belzagor, I have no idea what you’re talking about. 

BELZAGOR: Let’s hide in the back there and demolish a few levels. Cause uh, you’re not gonna demolish that fryer if you keep on like that.

NISROCH: Hey. I put a dent in it.

[[SFX: the mall rumbles]]

BELZAGOR: Oh boy. There it is again.

NISROCH: Should we at some point try to figure out what that is?

BELZAGOR: Or… Speedy Mouse Adventure? 

NISROCH: Right, yes. Let’s go.

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 02 --

[[SFX: Fade into the crowded main concourse of the mall, the carousel plays in the background. Three chimes sound over the PA system before the following announcement]]

TRAINEE (MALL ANNOUNCEMENT): Quick announcement for all Brimstone Valley Mall Citizens: there will be a flaming bocce tournament at Ball’s Sporting Goods starting at 5pm, to enter you’ll need to bring your own… balls. The winner gets a MeTune mp3 player courtesy of Gadget Hut. That’s all! Have a snack! Love you!  - xoxo Trainee

DAMIEN: Ugggh Raven I’m bored. 

RAVEN: How can you even, like, say that? This is the first day off Nisroch has given us in like ages and you’re already bored? It’s the 2000s now. There are so many things we could be doing. Like buying horizontal black and white striped t-shirts! Or putting in neon hair extensions!

DAMIEN: I guess I just got used to thriving as a Senior Cash Concierge in a Self Motivated, Fast Paced, Family-Friendly Environment.

RAVEN: I feel like we haven’t gotten to flex our new demonic muscles. We should do some demon-y things!

DAMIEN: Okay like, try to like, get people to sin?

RAVEN: Now that sounds actually boring.

DAMIEN: Ooh! Forge meaningful friendships despite our evil origins?

RAVEN: What.

DAMIEN: Ugh. I don’t know, I’m just trying to think about what those other demons do.

RAVEN: It has to be something demonic, Damien!

DAMIEN: [gasps] Ride the carousel! All the demons, like, L-O-V-E love the carousel.

RAVEN: Ugh you couldn’t pay me to get back on the carousel after what happened last time. Besides, the only one on the carousel right now is… Asmoraius? Is he okay? Oh no wait, Xaphan is there with him.

DAMIEN: Have you ever noticed that Xaphan, like, doesn’t blink.

RAVEN: I’m always more distracted by her big buff arms. Hey! Do you think we’ll get those?

DAMIEN: [gasps] Big buff arms?

RAVEN: No, dummy, like, Demonic powers.

DAMIEN: Do demons get powers?

RAVEN: Like, totally! Hornblas can do the summoning thing, Xaphan has her big buff arms, Asmoraius can do that weird thing where he gets people to do what he wants.

DAMIEN: And Nisroch can, like, yell really loud.

RAVEN: I think that’s just a them thing.

DAMIEN: I want cool powers! Like, like maybe I can fly! Or- or maybe I can, like, have x-ray vision? Or! Or! Be good at math.

RAVEN: Um. Math is just a skill though.

DAMIEN: Oh. What’s the difference?

RAVEN: Huh. You know. I don't know. Ooh, maybe I’ll become an empath. OMS, that would be, like, so emo.

DAMIEN: You already feel a lot of emotions, Raven.

RAVEN: I was basically emo before emo was cool. It’s true. But now I’m like, the most emo.

DAMIEN: Yeah your poetry has been way more of a bummer lately.

RAVEN: [angrily] Have you been reading my poetry again?!

DAMIEN: You literally write it on the shift sign in sheet.

RAVEN: That doesn’t mean it was meant for—oh shit.

DAMIEN: I’m like, so sorry! I just really like your writing, okay? It’s dark and moody and speaks to the despair in the depths of my soul!

RAVEN: Damien, shut up it’s him!

DAMIEN: W- what? What’s who?

RAVEN: It’s Hornblas! Right over there. He’s coming this way!

DAMIEN: [yelps] What do we do, what do we do, what do we do?

RAVEN: Woah. Look at that shiner. Belzagor got him good.

DAMIEN: Should we hide? We should probably hide.

RAVEN: No! This is our chance to act like real demons! He betrayed Hell! We have to get revenge on behalf of all demons everywhere! And our friends.

DAMIEN: Raven, you are, like, so bold. But also like. How do we do that?

RAVEN: By doing what we always do. Make fun of him until he cries.

DAMIEN: Oh! You’re, like, so smart.

RAVEN: Psht. Yeah, you know it. Oh! He’s coming this way! Okay okay. Just like old times. We’ve got this.

DAMIEN: Huh. I’m so nervous! It’s been a while!

RAVEN: Demons don’t get nervous! Just go for the clothes. Like we’ve practiced. Quick, lean up against the wall! Look cool.

DAMIEN: Okay. Okay we’ve got this here he comes.

[[SFX: HORNBLAS’s footsteps approach]]

RAVEN: Well, if it isn’t Hornblas. Or should I say… Traitor… blas? 

HORNBLAS: Do I know you? Wait, you were outside earlier. Right? It’s kind of fuzzy now.

DAMIEN: Oh, yeah. We were there. We saw you get your shit completely rocked. 

RAVEN: Yeah, Belzagor must have knocked you back into last century, because honestly? What is with that outfit? 

DAMIEN: Yeah, didn’t you know it’s the 2000s now? Grunge has like, basically already had their moment.

HORNBLAS: Okay, first of all, grunge is timeless. Second of all, who are you?

RAVEN: This is Damien.

DAMIEN: And that’s Raven. With an “R.”

RAVEN: And we’re demons too. 

DAMIEN: Which is like soooo emo.

HORNBLAS: What the hell is emo?

RAVEN: HA! Of course you don’t know. You’ve been too busy hanging out with angels. 

DAMIEN: Yeah, did an angel tell you to wear that hemp choker? 

RAVEN: Yeah is a brown jacket considered cool if you’re a feathered loser?

HORNBLAS: I don’t have time for this. 

DAMIEN: Yeah, just like you didn’t have time to tell any of your friends how you were gonna break the universe. Right?

HORNBLAS: Listen, I didn’t know it was a trap!

RAVEN: Just like you didn’t know how much eyeliner to put on?

DAMIEN: Here’s a hint: you’re not wearing enough.

HORNBLAS: Oh yeah? Well at least I don’t look like a raccoon got lost in a Chloe’s.

DAMIEN: Wow, spoken like a true elder. 

RAVEN: Yeah, like a guy who’s out of touch. Honestly, I feel bad for you.

DAMIEN: Yeah, we feel so bad for you. 

HORNBLAS: [scoffs] And why should I care what you think? You clearly tried applying teal Manic Panic over naturally dark hair without even bleaching it first? Who told you that was gonna work, honey?

RAVEN: [gasps] 

DAMIEN: Wow. You went there huh.

RAVEN: Maybe you don’t care what we think. But I’m sure you care what everyone thinks. 

HORNBLAS: Wha- what do you mean?

RAVEN: [calling out into the crowd] Hey! Demons of the Mall!

HORNBLAS: Woah, hey okay -wait no no no no no no.

RAVEN: Guess who’s back here on Earth with you?

[[SFX: Murmuring begins in the crowd]]

DEMON 1: Uh, I don’t know who?

RAVEN: You may know him from ditching on his band, Mall Rat!

DEMON 2: Who is Mall Rat?

RAVEN: Or you may know him for his super overrated summoning abilities!

HORNBLAS: [whispers] What are you doing?

RAVEN: But you probably know him because he tried to summon you all into Heaven and trap you there! That’s right, it’s none other than Hornblas, the Betrayer!

[[SFX: The growing crowd gasps]]

DEMON 1: Hornblas? Hey, it’s your fault we’re up here in the first place!!

DEMON 2: I hate it on earth! 

DEMON 3: My Hell plants haven’t been watered since Y2K! They’re probably all HELL DEAD!

[[SFX: The crowd becomes menacing, starts to yell]]

HORNBLAS: Wait. Uh. I can explain. 

DEMON 2: [laughs] Oh, you’re going to do some explaining alright.

DEMON 3: Yeah, explain to my Hell Dead Plants why their father never came home!

[[SFX: Crowd closes in]]

HORNBLAS: Wait! No! Please!

TRENT: [yelling from across the crowd] Hornblas! I’ll save you! Everyone! Back away from that Demon!

HORNBLAS: Trent?

DEMON 1: Who is this guy with the wings?

TRENT: [arriving, out of breath] I’m Trent! 

DEMON 2: What kind of demon name is Trent?

TRENT: And I’m here to defend Hornblas! 

[[SFX: TRENT unfurls his wings in a woosh of air and feathers]]

HORNBLAS: You uh… You- you- you really don’t have to do this.

TRENT: No, I do. Because I had a hand in this. [addressing the crowd] Good- Um, Wait- uh- Evil Demons of the Mall! You may be asking yourself. Why? Why should we spare this demon? When he has betrayed us so.. So badly.

DEMON 1: Uh, yeah.

TRENT: When he personally took your fate into his own hands. 

HORNBLAS: Uhhh Trent?

TRENT: When he signed away your souls to the other side!

DEMON 2: He did what? 

TRENT: When he nearly had you all imprisoned in Heaven and cleansed of everything that makes you demonic!

DEMON 1: Well now I hate him even more!

HORNBLAS: [whispered] Trent this is not helping-

TRENT: But I’m here to tell you, that it wasn’t all his fault! Yes, he was kind of naive about the whole thing, but he was also coerced! And I should know! I was there! -

DEMON 2: This guy’s part of the problem!

TRENT: Wha-uhhh wai-uhhh n- no?

DAMIEN: Wow, Raven, we’re like, really good at this.

DEMON 3: You know what I hate even more than traitors? Angels! Get him!

[[SFX: The mob starts to yell]]

ASMORAIUS: EVERYBODY, STOP!

[[SFX: A hush falls over the crowd]]

TRENT: Asmoraius?

ASMORAIUS: Demons of the food court, begone. Scatter back to your dark corners. You, to Old Gravy and you to Cinnabon Billabong. Leave these pitiful creatures. They do not need your violence. They have already wreaked havoc upon themselves in their very hearts. I will handle this. 

DEMON 2: Why should we listen to you?

ASMORAIUS: Because I am the carousel operator, you fool. If you ever want to ride on a plastic pony again then you’ll do as I say. That goes for all of you! Go!

[[SFX: Demons disperse, muttering their disappointment]]

ASMORAIUS: And you too, teens. 

RAVEN: Ugh. Are you serious? It was just getting good.

ASMORAIUS: There’s a clearance sale at Hot Topic on hair crimpers and ‘My Tiny Horse’ charm bracelets happening right now.

DAMIEN: Oh no!

RAVEN: Gotta go, bye!

[[SFX: RAVEN and DAMIEN scamper off]]

DAMIEN: [running away] Raven, wait for me! Me and my emo bangs!

TRENT: Thank you for saving us, Asmoraius.

HORNBLAS: Yeah, uh, thanks.

ASMORAIUS: Yes, yes, thank me. You would have all been minced meat if I hadn’t intervened. I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to save either of you, especially not because I live for the drama. And yet here I am, risking my life and my reputation to save a pair of traitorous, despicable, Oh - I don’t even know what you both are to me anymore! [breaks into a dramatic sob] 

TRENT: Asmo, darling, I know-

ASMORAIUS: You don’t get to call me that anymore!

HORNBLAS: Uhh…

TRENT: But we always call each other darling! That’s our whole thing!

ASMORAIUS: I can’t trust you anymore, Trent! My fallen angel, my love.

HORNBLAS: So you two are like …. dating?

TRENT + ASMORAIUS: No!

TRENT: We’re not just dating! We’re in love!

HORNBLAS: [gags] Gross.

ASMORAIUS: Oh, beautiful perfect Trent, how could I continue to love you? You used me like a soggy, wet, love puppet! Did you not even tell Hornblas of how you seduced me? Pretended to love me? As part of your conniving master plan?

HORNBLAS: Wait, how can one be both soggy and wet?

ASMORAIUS: You could never understand that, Hornblas.

HORNBLAS: You know what? You’re right. And I don’t want to understand. I’m- I’m just gonna go. You guys clearly need a minute. I’m just… I’m just gonna go hang out by the dumpster. Alone. Uh… Do not come looking for me.

[[SFX: HORNBLAS leaves]]

TRENT: [trentily] Bye Hornblas! [abruptly serious] Asmoraius, listen. I know this is a lot for you. And I’m sorry for hiding the truth about my assignment as an angel. But you? You were never a part of that plan. You derailed the plan! You turned everything upside down!

ASMORAIUS: So you’re saying I ruined your life?

TRENT: Ruined? Asmoraius. You saved me! Heaven is- well you know. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I didn’t know how unhappy I was until I met you. Your friends. This strange and dirty, filthy place filled with hooligans and greasy food. It took your love, your absolute confidence and acceptance of yourself to get me to be honest with myself, to understand what I really wanted! I love you Asmoraius, that was always real! And this time, I’m not going anywhere. I promise!

ASMORAIUS: You mean that?

TRENT: More than anything.

ASMORAIUS: Oh Trent!

[[SFX: They grasp each other in a deep hug]]

ASMORAIUS: [sniffling] Honestly, it is pretty weird how we can keep hugging each other and not burst into flames. Gonna have to figure that one out soon.

TRENT: Yeah seriously.

ASMORAIUS: [struggles with a feather in his mouth] Oh Trent, One of your feathers came off and I almost inhaled it. 

TRENT: What? Oh, sorry about that. My wings have felt kinda… weird since I got here? And I think I’m molting-

[[SFX: Mall Rumble]]

TRENT: Are we ever gonna figure out what that is?

ASMORAIUS: You know, we should go check on it. But first Hot Topic. Together. For old times’ sake? And definitely not because they just received a shipment of steampunk goggles last night and I want them immediately?

TRENT: You would look fabulous in those.

ASMORAIUS: Trent. It may be a long, long, time before I can trust you again. But I want you to know- 

TRENT: Asmoraius. I’m here. For as long as it takes.

ASMORAIUS: Oh good! In that case, I’m sick of talking already, and I’m ready to shop. Hot Topic here we come!

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 03 --

[[SFX: HORNBLAS opens the metal door by the employee parking lot, walks outside. It’s quiet, he walks out onto the asphalt, and stops]]

HORNBLAS: [takes a deep breath] Well. Here I am. Alone. With no one to blame but myself. Estranged, a pariah. Rejected by everyone. All because of my foolish heart, which keeps tearing itself to shreds, even as I stand here. In the quiet. And I don’t want the world to see me… cause I don’t think they’d understand. In this employee parking lot by the dumpster. A place that once felt like home. That felt like… connection. [starts to sing] When I smell the dumpster I begin to feel-

XAPHAN: Hello!

HORNBLAS: AGH!!

XAPHAN: I am here!

XAPHAN: You were singing.

HORNBLAS: What? No I wasn’t!

XAPHAN: Yes you were. You were monologuing and then you were singing about garbage. 

HORNBLAS: How long have you been out here? 

XAPHAN: [sighs]  You’re sad. And so am I. 

HORNBLAS: I’m not sad! I- Wait, why are you sad? 

XAPHAN: Because Belzagor never came to the carousel. I waited a long time.

HORNBLAS: You’re friends with Belz?

XAPHAN: Mmhm. She is my favorite.

HORNBLAS: [sighs] Mine too, buddy. Mine too.

[[SFX: A quiet moment, a bird calls in the background]]

XAPHAN: She said she would be there. [starts to sing] But she never showed up and that makes me-!

HORNBLAS: Woah woah woah woah we uh.. We don’t have to do that. Whatever that was.

XAPHAN: I was singing!

HORNBLAS: Oh. Wow. Okay.

XAPHAN: Well, I’ve only screamed before. This is much harder.

HORNBLAS: Music can be hard.

XAPHAN: Hm, Yes.  

[[SFX: The mall rumbles]]

XAPHAN: Wooooah!

HORNBLAS: What is that?

XAPHAN: They’ve been happening every day. The rumblings.

HORNBLAS: Sounded like it was coming from over there, by the edge of the parking lot. 

XAPHAN: [gasps] Curious! Well that’s what they say in “Harlock Shapartments”, the famous mystery novel series.

HORNBLAS: Sure. Want to come with me to check it out?

XAPHAN: Absolutely.

[[SFX: Footsteps as they walk]]

HORNBLAS: So you two are good friends, huh? You and Belz?

XAPHAN: Oh yes. Oh, and she’s told me so much about you. I feel as though I know you already. First of all, you’re right handed, which is strange because most demons are left handed. You know how to figure skate, but you won’t show anyone. Hmm. When you have writer’s block you like to flip to a random page from Chronicles Of Flánia for inspiration, which is really sweet.

HORNBLAS: Woah she told you all that? That’s k ind of oversharing, especially when I don’t know anything about you.

XAPHAN: I am Xaphan, dark and mysterious. 

HORNBLAS: [chuckling] Dark and mysterious huh? Well, I guess I don’t mind moping around with a dark and mysterious new friend.

XAPHAN: Are you asking to be my [squeaks with excitement] friend?

HORNBLAS: Yeah. Sure. What do you think about that?

XAPHAN: I love friends. But you have made everyone really mad and- Oh.

HORNBLAS: I know, I’ll have to think of a way to make it up to everyone-  What? What are you looking at?

XAPHAN: Over there. The edge of the parking lot! 

HORNBLAS: Oh. Weird. When did that wall get there?

XAPHAN: That’s not a wall. That’s dirt! 

HORNBLAS: Why is there a six foot wall of dirt at the edge of the parking lot-

[[SFX: Another mall rumble, very close this time XAPHAN and HORNBLAS yell in surprise as they try to keep their balance]]

HORNBLAS: Okay, this is officially freaky. Is the wall taller now?

XAPHAN: [gasp] No. The wall is the same! We’re just lower? The whole parking lot is lower?

HORNBLAS: Wait, does that mean…

XAPHAN: Okay, if my assessment is correct, and I hope it is not, I believe the entire mall might be-

HORNBLAS + XAPHAN: Sinking into the Earth?

XAPHAN: Oh this is… this is not good.

[[MUSIC: Outro - Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song plays over credits]]

-- CREDITS --

KRISTEN DIMERCURIO: Demons and Mortals alike, thank you for listening to Brimstone Valley Mall. This show was written and directed by Kristen DiMercurio, hey! That’s me. It was co-written by Mark Wolf Roberts and Talia Rochmann. This episode was sound designed by Mischa Stanton, and recorded by Phil DiMercurio and Evan Chambers. Featuring performances by: Regina Russell as Trainee, Bex-Taylor Klaus as Nisroch, Susannah Wilson as Belzagor, Isa Braun as Xaphan, Mark Wolf Roberts as Asmoraius, B. Dave Walters as Hornblas, Chris Trindade as Trent and Damien, and Jordan Cobb as Raven

Additional voices by: Mayana Berrin, Blu Del Barrio, and Joshua Rubino

Our theme music is written and performed by FM Buller. Our show art is designed by Talia Rochmann. Brimstone Valley Mall is produced by Kristen DiMercurio. Associate producers: Lyn Rafil, Mischa Stanton, and Bex Taylor-Klaus

For news, fanart and more, you can follow us on twitter at bvmpod, and facebook, instagram, and tumblr at brimstonevalleymall.

Also a huge thank you to our indiegogo supporters. We’re looking at you: 

Fiorella Flowers, Freddie Schanné, Grace Colum, Grace Trapnell, Hailey Reef, Halley Theodore, Heather Burchell, heckere, Hollis Keen, Hug House Productions, Hero Supancic, Izzy Porzillo, J. Van Zuidam, Jack Little, Jack Marone, Jade Lynch, Jane K, Jeffrey Nils Gardner, Jeffry Moore, jenetic777, Jennifer Abrams, Jessica Greenfield, Jessica Whittenburg, Joellena Asher, Johanna Hedberg, Jonathan Bell, Jonathan R, and Jordan Peters

And as usual, huge thank you to: 

AmeBot2038, Antigone Brickman, Ari Rochmann, Axel Kennedy, Barbara Klaus, Bethany Gorka, Cameron Lochrie, Carol Wolf, Caroline Claudino, Cassandra Shay, Curtis Dibrell JR., Dani Sakaida, De.annaell, Eleanor Hyde, Elizabeth Baquet, Etrigan, Gigi Watson, Halen Dean, Hallie Casey, Harold Porter Melcher, Hedge, James Woods, Jean DiMercurio, Jeff Chaney, JJ Ellis, Julian Ceipek, Katie Touart, Kinsey Wilson and Margaret Low, Marina Cerame, Meghan Utz, Melissa Hernandez, Nathaniel Gibson, Olivia Juniper, R. Scott Creighton

RamRot, Randy Lovings, Rebecca Gates, Rees Schofield, Rhiannon Cooper, Samuel Schwimmer, Sara Shanahan, Savvy Cornett, Stephanie Tully, Taj Chawla, Temmy Silver, Travis Reaves, Victor Casados, Vijay Srivastava, Vincent Z, and Wacky-D

Now head on over to the food court, because today’s Weiner World Special Is: Patella Tenders, no sauce.