[[MUSIC: Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song. 30 seconds of a rockin’ 90s bass line with drums and electric guitar]]

-- Scene 01 --

NISROCH: Holy shit it’s-

ASMORAIUS: Trent?!

BELZAGOR: Hornblas?!

TRENT: [getting up, groaning] Uh… Hi everybody.

HORNBLAS: Uhhh… Miss me?

BELZAGOR: Finally.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR lunges for HORNBLAS. NISROCH stops her]]

NISROCH: [struggling to hold her back] Woah woah woah! Belz! Hang on!

BELZAGOR: [struggling to break free] I’M GONNA KILL HIM! 

HORNBLAS: Belzagor, I can explain—

BELZAGOR: EXPLAIN IT TO MY-

NISROCH: BELZAGOR! Was the food court fight not enough? 

BELZAGOR: NO! IT WASN’T! 

NISROCH: Guys! A little help?

XAPHAN: [gasps excitedly] My arms are needed!

[[SFX: Flames flash as XAPHAN changes into her demon form, she holds back BELZAGOR who struggles against her grip]] 

XAPHAN: Time for a hug! 

BELZAGOR: [grunting] What? XAPHAN! No! Put me down!

XAPHAN: [gently] There there. I’ve got you. 

TRENT: That is…. So intimidating.

NISROCH: Oh, we can do much worse than that. And if you don’t start explaining this instant, you will have more than just Xaphan’s ripped biceps to worry about.

HORNBLAS: Hey, hey! Guys. Chillax. It’s me! Hornblas! We’re friends!

BELZAGOR: Oh, are we? 

NISROCH: Yeah, are we?

XAPHAN: Are… We? I haven’t met you.

HORNBLAS: Guys, come on-

BELZAGOR: Is this how you treat your friends? You abandon them? You try to cheat in the eternal fight between good and evil? For the other team? You join another band?! 

TRENT: Listen, listen, this is all way more complicated than-

ASMORAIUS: Complicated? Oh is that what you call it, Trent?

TRENT: Asmoraius, darling, I-

ASMORAIUS: Darling?! First of all, that’s my thing. Second of all, you do not just get show up in my life, seduce me with your beautiful abs, stir up emotions in me that I didn’t know I was capable of, and then disappear without another word!

TRENT: I never wanted to-

ASMORAIUS: And then you come crawling back to me calling me darling! Ugh. 

TRENT: Okay technically, I wasn’t crawling I just fell out of a heavenly portal-

ASMORAIUS: Oh, the drama! I can’t handle this! My heart! I feel faint! Oh quick! Teens! Catch me!

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS fake faints onto TRAINEE, RAVEN, and DAMIEN. They squeal uncomfortably as they catch him]] 

RAVEN: Ummmm… Okay?

DAMIEN: I don’t like it I don’t like it I don’t like it!

TRAINEE: Why is he sticky?

ASMORAIUS: You see Trent? You see what you’ve done to me? To us? Oh, I can hardly go on! 

TRENT: Asmoraius. Since I left, not a single hour has gone by that I haven’t thought of you. That I haven’t wished I could fix things- 

ASMORAIUS: You’re an angel, Trent!

TRAINEE: Um. Sorry, uh- but can you guys, like not do this while we’re, like, holding him? 

RAVEN: Yeah, this is like, intimate.

[[SFX: A great rumbling comes from the mall]]

TRENT: Woah. What was that?

BELZAGOR: None of your business!

ASMORAIUS: Yeah, we don’t owe you any answers, you… traitorous chicken!

XAPHAN: Also, we don’t know

NISROCH: Okay that’s it. First off, Teens, put that down, you don’t know where it’s been.

TRAINEE: Oh thank Satan.

[[SFX: The teens drop ASMORAIUS onto the asphalt immediately and unceremoniously]] 

ASMORAIUS: Ow! Ugh

NISROCH: Second. I don’t have the energy to listen to an entire soap opera in the parking lot. So Hornblas, Trent, you will tell us everything. From the beginning. And if I catch you in a lie so help me Lucifer I will let Xaphan release Belzagor, and that won’t end very well for you.

BELZAGOR: [hisses like a cat]

TRENT: Is she… foaming at the mouth? Eugh.

HORNBLAS: We can explain.

TRENT: Here. It’s okay. I’ll tell you the whole story. [clears throat]

[[SFX: ascending chimes sound from nowhere, like turning the page in a storybook]]

TRENT: Well, it all started when-

NISROCH: Hold- up.

[[SFX: Record scratch]]

NISROCH: What the hell was that? 

TRENT: What was what.

NISROCH: That sound? That sound you just made, with the chimes? What is that?

TRENT: Oh, that happens any time an angel starts telling a story.

[[SFX: Everyone groans with annoyance and disgust]]

ASMORAIUS: Hornblas, you tell it.

BELZAGOR: Yeah, if we’re gonna listen to a load of bullshit then the least you can do is hold the stupid chimes.

HORNBLAS: Alright, alright. I’ll tell it.

[[SFX: An electric guitar swells and cuts off as we transition to…]]

[[SFX: As HORNBLAS tells the story, the soundscape fades back into the past, to a busy day at Hot Topic, before The Reckoning. Rock music is playing over the speakers, customers are shopping. There is a slight ethereal echo to the scene, differentiating it from HORNBLAS’s narration in the present]]

HORNBLAS: It all started last fall, when I almost earned my sin coin quota. 

BELZAGOR: Wait- you almost earned your quota? You never told us you were trying to-

HORNBLAS: Look, if I’m gonna tell this story. You can’t interrupt me.

BELZAGOR: You’re lucky I’m restrained.

HORNBLAS: Yeah, okay okay okay okay. So this was back in December. Life was pretty good! We were having regular band practices, we’d just played that gig at the DMV, I got that job at Hot Topic. Everything was peachy.

PAST HORNBLAS: Hey, nice shoes. 

[[SFX: The cash register kachings]]

PAST HORNBLAS: Seriously, they go great with that bucket hat. Thanks for shopping at Hot Topic. See you around. Whoever’s next, step on up!

HORNBLAS: Obviously, I loved it there. It was basically the raddest place on Earth. But after like a week of working there, something weird started happening. It was like, every time I sold one of those Unhappy Bunny stickers or notebooks, I’d find another sin coin in my pocket. 

[[SFX: Another cash register kaching]]

PAST CUSTOMER 1: Hahaha. This one’s great! Mine says “Shut up, or die.”

PAST CUSTOMER 2: Yeah! And mine says, “I hate your face!”

PAST HORNBLAS: Oh man, that one’s pretty fly… and like so chill. Enjoy. Here’s your change. 

PAST CUSTOMER 1: Thank you!

[[SFX: The customer takes their purchase and walks away. A small ding sounds followed by a sin coin dropping onto the counter in front of HORNBLAS]] 

PAST HORNBLAS: Huh? [reading] “Intention to hurt someone’s feelings using a rude sticker. Category 22RN. Minor Sin.” [sighs] Not again. 

HORNBLAS: I didn’t know what to do. I had more sincoins than I could fit in my tripp pants, and I couldn’t just not sell Unhappy Bunny stickers, that was like half the job. But I also didn’t want to quit working there because the employee discount was way too good to pass up. 

TRENT: It’s true, the employee discount is practically a steal.

HORNBLAS: And I figured hey! I’m far enough away from my quota that a few sincoins here and there won’t hurt. So, I just… kinda kept on selling them.

[[SFX: Cash register kaching]]

PAST HORNBLAS: [much less enthusiastic] Enjoy your stickers. Thank you for shopping at Hot Topic.

PAST CUSTOMER 3: Cool! Mine says “Kiss my tushie.”

PAST HORNBLAS: Ew.

[[SFX: The sound of a wild mob of teens descending upon the store, yelling shouting and chaos continues under the following dialogue]]

HORNBLAS: Then, some crazy shit went down. Hot Topic ran a sale on Unhappy Bunny merch right before ‘“Mmm-Slop” had that poster signing outside the store. 

RAVEN: OMS I loved that song that was like Mmm-Slop, squoobledybop mmm-Slop! You know?

DAMIEN: Mmm-Slop was sooooo not goth.

RAVEN: I liked it ironically.

HORNBLAS: The store was totally mobbed by teens in checkered vans, buying up anything with that gross rabbit on it.

DAMIEN: Wooooaaahh. Wait, I like, totally remember that! I bought some too!

TRAINEE: Like, me too!

RAVEN: Oh yeah! I bought like 10 of them just for myself! Ugh, that was like such a good deal. I still have those back at my mom’s place.

DAMIEN: Mine said “You suck”

RAVEN:  Mine said “You’re ugly and I hate looking at you.”

TRAINEE: Mine said “The success of authority is to erase the individual.”

[[SFX: A record scratch, the Hot Topic soundscape stops abruptly]]

HORNBLAS: Wait. Who are you three?

DAMIEN: We’re demons now!

HORNBLAS: Uhhh. That doesn’t answer my-

TRAINEE: Ugh that’s not important! Like keep telling the story!

[[SFX: Another record scratch as we cut back to the story]]

HORNBLAS: Uh. Okay. So, anyways, there was nothing I could do. I’d sold every last sticker in the store by the time I hit my lunch break. So I used the phone at Weiner World to call the hotline and check my stats.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Thank you for calling Hell’s Sincoin Quota hotline, for Demons! Please enter your Demon Security Number followed by the pound key.

[[SFX: HORNBLAS punches in numbers on the phone keypad]]

HORNBLAS: Turns out, I was only two sins away from meeting my quota. Two! Even if I was extremely careful, it was only a matter of time before I accidentally caused two more sins, and I’d have to go back to Hell. Leaving all the things I loved: The band. The Mall. My friends. My guitar…

NISROCH: You could have taken the guitar with you.

ASMORAIUS: Oh, Hornblas, you never told us.

HORNBLAS: I couldn’t tell you! I didn’t want to make it weird. So I just went straight home and locked myself in my room. 

[[SFX: Footsteps followed by door closing and locking]]

ASMORAIUS: Oh yeah, that’s a classic way to not make things weird.

HORNBLAS: I was really wigging out. Like, if I went back out into the world at all, I could accidentally cause another sin and get dragged back down to Hell. Then when I didn’t show up for work the next morning. [sigh] I was fired. 

BELZAGOR: [realizing] And I thought you were just bummed out, like, artistically. So I bought us those tickets to Distort Tour to cheer you up.

HORNBLAS: And I decided to come with you. I figured it would be my last hurrah on Earth before I’d have to go back down. I was gonna tell you, Belz. I swear. But you were trying so hard to make me feel better and I just didn’t have the heart to do it. You bought backstage passes and everything.

[[SFX: A crowd screams and cheers in the distance as PAST BELZAGOR shows PAST HORNBLAS the backstage entrance]]

PAST BELZAGOR: Backstage entrance is this way! Here, put on this lanyard. C’mon get your mopey ass over here and meet your heroes.

[[SFX: Indecipherable conversation as HORNBLAS and BELZAGOR chat up a band]]

HORNBLAS: And Belz, you were right. It was incredible. I got so caught up talking to Brandi Urine, the lead singer of Riot! at the Sockhop about my idea for my new concept album, that I almost forgot about the whole sincoin thing. We stayed backstage for hours. You were off talking to the bass player for that girl band, Hot Uterus, when this- Well this kinda weird guy came up to me.

PAST TRENT: Hey! Oh! Whew, man it sure is nice to be able to just hang out with other demons, isn’t it?

PAST HORNBLAS: Yeah, tell me about it I- wait. How did you know that I’m-

PAST TRENT: A demon? Psht. Come on, it takes one to know one, am I right?

PAST HORNBLAS: [hesitant] Yeah, I guess. 

HORNBLAS: I mean, I knew some of those bands were demonic, but it seemed crazy to just come out and say it with so many humans around. This guy had balls.

TRENT: Umm. Maybe we just should just skip over this part? It doesn’t seem that important. 

HORNBLAS: I never got his name, but his look was… off. It was like, he put on every single thing with spikes on it from Hot Topic all at the same time. It almost looked good honestly. Almost. Anyways, we talked for like an hour…

PAST HORNBLAS: It’s just not fair, man! It’s like, I should get to choose when I come up to Earth and how long I get to stay, y’know?

PAST TRENT: Totally. I hate it back in Hell where I’m definitely also from.

PAST HORNBLAS: Like, there is so much I love about being surface-side. Fresh air. Nothing’s on fire. The endless jams… It’s so chill to be able to just like, hang.

PAST TRENT: Totally. If only there was a way we didn’t have to go back. If no one ever had to go back ever again!

PAST HORNBLAS: Yeah, as if.

PAST TRENT: You know. It might be possible.

PAST HORNBLAS: You’re screwing with me.

PAST TRENT: I’m not. I have uh… a friend. A buddy. Yeah. He’s a demon, like us. And he uh… He started hanging out with a couple of angels.

PAST HORNBLAS: Woah, what?

PAST TRENT: Crazy! Huh! Right? Hah! Yeah, but these angels were actually really cool! And were like  “Hey, if you come work for our side, it’s way better. You can be on Earth whenever you want!” He works with them now and he’s way happier.

PAST HORNBLAS: That’s whack, you can’t just switch sides like that!

PAST TRENT: I dunno. This guy did it. And he said if you have any special abilities they’re way more likely to take you. He even gave me his card! Here.

[[SFX: PAST TRENT whips out a business card and hands it to PAST HORNBLAS]]

PAST HORNBLAS: [reading] Call heaven: 1-800-ANGELS2… What’s the two for?

PAST TRENT: Eh, 1-800-ANGELS was already taken. Apparently it’s on a billboard somewhere in Iowa.

PAST HORNBLAS: This is a joke, right?

PAST TRENT: Nope! It’s totally real. Up to you if you even want to call. But yeah. This guy gets to go anywhere, and do whatever he wants! So. Y’know. Maybe it’s worth a try. Especially since you’re about to meet your sincoin quota y’know any day now.

PAST HORNBLAS: How’d you know about my quota?

PAST TRENT: Ummm.. You must have mentioned it! Earlier! Hah- Um- Okay I gotta go, but um- Call the number! Check it out! Could - y’know -  could be cool! Hah - Okay bye! Demon, out. I’m totally a demon… K bye.

[[SFX: Footsteps as PAST TRENT scampers off]]

HORNBLAS: It was totally random... But talking to that weird guy had me all messed up. On the ride home I just kept thinking about what he’d said.

[[SFX: The quiet hum of a car as PAST HORNBLAS and PAST BELZAGOR drive home from the show]]

PAST BELZAGOR: Hey, man. You’ve been pretty quiet. You okay? 

PAST HORNBLAS: Yeah. Just. I dunno, just thinking.

PAST BELZAGOR: Okay. Did you… have a good time?

PAST HORNBLAS: Yeah. Hah! Yeah, yeah yeah yeah. Just uh- just got a lot on my mind. I don’t wanna talk about it.

PAST BELZAGOR: Yeah. Okay.

HORNBLAS: When we got back, I locked myself back in my room.

[[SFX: Bedroom door shuts, cutting off the sound of a car. HORNBLAS plucks away on his electric guitar]]

HORNBLAS: I was up all night, playing my guitar and just… thinking. This was my ticket out of Hell. And if working with angels meant I could be free to go anywhere, to do anything and not worry about Satan calling me back to Hell, then there was so much more I could do! Like, I was thinking Mall Rat could finally go on tour! Even if that meant working with a couple of harp-slingers.

XAPHAN: [laughs] Harp-slinger.

TRENT: Hey! That’s derogatory.

HORNBLAS: I thought about it all night. And then next thing I knew, the sun was rising out of my window. 

[[SFX: Guitar music swells and gets more hopeful]]

HORNBLAS: I looked up at the morning dawn and I realized... I was never meant for the lame acoustics in the brimstone pits of hell. I always knew there must be something other than the eternal grind, out here on Earth. Who cared if these guys were angels? Once they met me, they'd have to listen, and maybe, if I played my cards right, they’d cut us all a break.

[[SFX: Guitar cuts out. A phone dials]]

AUTOMATED VOICE: Thank you for calling Heaven! If you are an angel looking to check your Good Deed Dollar Balance, Press 1. If you’re a soul and want to check your place in the queue at the pearly gates press 2. If you are a demon with a special ability and you’re conveniently looking to switch sides for a new and better life working with the angels, press 3. For billing press 4. To repeat this menu-

[[SFX: The message is cut off as PAST HORNBLAS dials a number]]

HORNBLAS: They told me to meet them at a heavenly portal in the back of the Hot Topic.

NISROCH: I still don’t know how we didn’t catch that sooner.

HORNBLAS: So I went back to the mall before it opened. Even before Nisroch got up. And there was Trent, waiting to take me through the portal.

[[SFX: The portal door opens followed by the sound of static electricity, the thrum of the portals energy]]

PAST TRENT: Hornblas? We’ve been expecting you. Your portal awaits.

PAST HORNBLAS: Huh. Your voice sounds kind of familiar. Have we met before?

PAST TRENT: Huh? Me? Ha! What? Ha! No way, that’s silly. When would we have - Ahem. Just uh. Step through the portal please. 

[[SFX: PAST HORNBLAS steps through the portal, followed by a heavenly choir, and birds chirping]]

HORNBLAS: I’ll spare you all the heavenly details. You know what it’s like up there. 

BELZAGOR: Yeah, Stuffy. Bureaucratic. 

NISROCH: Way too bright.

ASMORAIUS: And everyone’s always eating yogurt! Ugh!

HORNBLAS: Yeah.

ASRMOAIUS: Ugh. Gosh yogurt is so disgusting.

HORNBLAS: We all know the deal. Heaven hasn’t changed since we all fell from grace. 

ASMORAIUS: So long ago!

NISROCH: Oh stop, you’re making me feel old.

HORNBLAS: Next thing I knew they took me to the offices. 

BELZAGOR: Ugh. Heaven loves their offices. 

TRENT: Hey! There’s nothing wrong with a good well-ventilated office!

HORNBLAS: They explained to me that there was this cool new plan happening up in Heaven-

BELZAGOR: I can’t believe you fell for a Heaven plan.

HORNBLAS: No no! No no! Nonono! Believe me! It sounded so legit! I stood before this whole council of angels, who said that if I helped them summon all the demons from Hell at once, then none of us would have to work again! None of us! That we’d all be free from doing anyone’s bidding! No more assignments up to Earth, no more sin coin quotas, none of it! Real freedom.

NISROCH: And you actually believed all this?

HORNBLAS: Well… yeah!

NISROCH: Oh you’re even dumber than I remember.

HORNBLAS: Hey! I can’t help that I was lied to!

TRENT: Technically… nobody lied. Once everyone was cleansed they could do whatever they wanted! They’d just only want to do what Heaven wanted them to do!

BELZAGOR: Mmm. So brainwashing.

TRENT: Hey, all the details of Heaven’s plan were itemized in that document you signed!  

HORNBLAS: Huh. I don’t remember signing anything. 

TRENT: Um… You did. Like a lot.

[[SFX: A large pile of papers is plopped down onto a table followed by pages flipping and a highlighter squeaking over the forms]]

PAST TRENT: Okay. So here’s your paperwork laying out all of the plans Heaven has put in place that require your participation. Just initial here, another one here, another one here, and here. Would you like to read over it, or—

PAST HORNBLAS: Psht. Reading’s for dorks. Gimme that pen.

[SFX: The sound of HORNBLAS signing]

XAPHAN: [gasp] And you didn’t read it?! Why wouldn’t you read it? 

BELZAGOR: You idiot.

XAPHAN: Also what is a dork?

HORNBLAS: That contract was like a thousand pages long!

TRENT: 777, actually.

HORNBLAS: Uggh. So sue me, I didn’t want to read 777 pages of bureaucratic garbage!

XAPHAN: You didn’t?

NISROCH: Let me guess, you also didn’t read the contract you signed with Satan to get us the Y2K gig, didn’t you?

HORNBLAS: Oh definitely not.

XAPHAN: Oh why why why??

TRENT: Yeah, it was a little crazy. You didn’t even look at the big print, much less the fine print.

NISROCH: Oh, no one asked for your opinion. You’re one of the bad guys!

TRENT: No I’m one of the good guys! Technically speaking! Um… kind of. Well, actually I don’t know if they’d be very happy with me, now that I’ve been conspiring against the angelic council for months so I could bust Hornblas out of Heaven Jail.

HORNBLAS: Do you ever wonder why they call it Heaven Jail? Like… it’s not that different from regular jail.

BELZAGOR: W-w-wait. You went to Heaven Jail??

HORNBLAS: After I botched the summoning at Y2K… I. Uh. Um. Well, let’s just say the angels weren’t happy. 

TRAINEE: Wait. Hold up. Like how does Heaven have a jail?? Isn’t like Heaven jail just like… Hell orrr….?

ASMORAIUS: Who cares? Trent busted you out?! Like, like.. like a hero!

TRENT: I did. And it’s a crazy heist story. It all started when-

[[SFX: the storybook chimes sound again, everyone groans]]

TRENT: It’s okay It just happens at the beginning! Okay, so. After I oversaw Hornblas signing the documents, then my job was done, so I came back down to Earth.

BELZAGOR: To keep us from looking for Hornblas?

NISROCH: To spy on us?

ASMORAIUS: To date me?!

TRENT: No! I was just going to go back to normal. So I could watch over the portal, try to get some humans to do good deeds-

XAPHAN: Ugh, gross.

TRENT: Normal angel stuff! But then… The day the carousel caught on fire… I met Asmoraius. The most beautiful creature with two eyes I’d ever seen. 

[[SFX: a quick, echoey flashback to the moment TRENT and ASMORAIUS collided into each other in Season 1]]

TRENT: From the moment I saved those screaming children-

RAVEN: Um. We’re teens.

TRENT: Oh, that was you? I thought you looked familiar.

RAVEN: Ugh. Whatever, keep going, I’m invested in this story now or whatever.

TRENT: Well, from the moment I saved those teens. I couldn’t get Asmoraius out of my mind. In just a few short days I… I fell in love.

NISROCH: [gags] Oh, Satan’s Butt

XAPHAN: Oohhhohoho! This is the cute part!

TRAINEE: Awww, a love story!

TRENT: I had never felt so strongly about anyone! There was something so… different about you, Asmoraius. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. 

ASMORAIUS: Oh you put your finger on it, alright. 

TRAINEE: Aaaand now it’s weird.

TRENT: Everything was going great, I felt like I was walking on clouds, but I wasn’t even in Heaven! I thought, I could stay here on Earth forever, maybe get to know some of the band, make some friends! Build a life! But then... Xaphan showed up in my shop.

[[SFX: A short clip from when XAPHAN met TRENT in Hot Topic in season one]]

PAST TRENT: Oh, Um ... I don't really. Um. I just. That's a strange question-

PAST XAPHAN: It was a simple question. I need to know where he- OH!

[[SFX: a popping noise as PAST XAPHAN is summoned away]]

TRENT: When she was summoned right in front of me, I knew she must be a demon. I started to put the pieces together. Your whole band was demons, and that meant… Asmoraius. The love of my life. The star to my-

NISROCH: Enough! This is getting gross.

TRENT: Fair enough. I began to see the beauty in the way you all live. Your friendship, your love of Earth. The way you refuse to play Hell’s game. You’re each realistically terrible at being demons, and you all love each other anyways!

XAPHAN: Hey.

BELZAGOR: Ugh don’t try to be cute.

TRENT: I realized, I’d been, well, demonizing demons! And I thought, maybe we’re not so different after all.

NISROCH: No. No. I still think you’re the worst. 

TRENT: So by New Year’s Eve, you know, the night of the Big Summoning Plan, I’d had a change of heart. I knew I had to do something. Get you all out of there before you were brought up to Heaven and cleansed. No way was I going to let anyone change my perfect Asmoraius! 

ASMORAIUS: Oh, Trent... that’s so romantic. 

TRENT: I was trying to find a way to warn Asmoraius without blowing my cover.. But. Well. I was so nervous that…I had to keep running to the hell bathroom. That’s when Asmoraius found me in line. And I panicked and just told him.

[[SFX: A flashback from season one:]]

PAST TRENT: Asmoraius! Get the heck out of here!

PAST ASMORAIUS: Okay bye!

ASMORAIUS: And then I tried to warn everyone! But we didn’t make it out in time!

NISROCH: And Hornblas was chanting all that angel stuff!

HORNBLAS: I-I wasn’t chanting, it was part of a script!

BELZAGOR: You said we would be “healed!” and “good will be restored.” 

HORNBLAS: Listen, I said what they told me to. It was worth it to free everyone!

BELZAGOR: And what about the actual band, the Reckoning? Were they ever even there?

HORNBLAS: I- Uh- I- Actually don’t know.

TRENT: Oh yeah, no we tied them up and stashed them behind the buttered noodles stand.

NISROCH: Ha! Ho! Well. How very angelic of you.

HORNBLAS: And then the summoning. Well. You guys saw what happened.

BELZAGOR: Yeah, you borked it.

TRENT: Hornblas was in pretty bad shape after that. I got him back up to Heaven, but. Well when his powers showed no signs of returning they um…

HORNBLAS: They tossed me in Heaven Jail to rot.

TRENT: Ah, it felt so wrong! This was all my fault! So I knew I needed to do the right thing, and bust you out. Which is why I spent weeks-

HORNBLAS: Wait. How was this all your fault? No, it’s all because of that asshole demon from the Distort Tour. Who lied to me and told me to call the angels! This is his fault!

TRENT: Um [nervous laughter] about that. Um…  That was me. In disguise.

EVERYONE BESIDES HORNBLAS: What?!

ASMORAIUS: Hornblas, you fell for a Trent Disguise? Trent is terrible at disguises.

TRENT: It’s true.

HORNBLAS: That was you? You mean you were a part of this plan all along? To trick me into helping kidnap all of Hell? Can I trust no one?

TRENT: Again, no one really tricked you. You didn’t read your contract like, at all. And it’s not a lie that we work less! It’s true! Angels have more say in our working hours! We call it… free-winging.

BELZAGOR: I still can’t believe you chose to trust a rando stranger and work with Heaven instead of just like talking to us first?!

HORNBLAS: I was trying to save you guys! I was going to use my ability to change everything. 

NISROCH: That’s right because the world just revolves around you and your ability. 

HORNBLAS: What? No!

NISROCH: Hornblas, you know what, I take it back. You’re not dumb. You’re dumb and self-absorbed.

HORNBLAS: Hey! I-

NISROCH: You think just because you’re charismatic and you have a special power, that you get to call the shots for everyone?

HORNBLAS: I-

BELZAGOR: If you had just asked me, hell, asked anyone before joining their side we could have told you it was a terrible idea!

HORNBLAS: I thought I was making a difference!

XAPHAN: You are not the protagonist!

HORNBLAS: What?

XAPHAN: I figured out the problem. You think you are the protagonist, but you are not. I know this because I just read The Fig Newton Anthology of Great American Literature, volume 2.

TRAINEE: What? Like stop stealing my textbooks!

HORNBLAS: Wait who are you again?

XAPHAN: In literature, all of the character’s fates, arcs, and motivations are either intrinsically tied to, or were made to serve the development of the protagonist’s journey. However, as your replacement, I can tell you that you were not the protagonist. You were but one member of an ensemble. If you had recognized this you wouldn’t have taken it upon yourself to make enormous decisions with consequences that touch literally the entire world. In the process of this undertaking, you changed your character categorization. You went from an ensemble member to an Unseen Character. Meaning your biggest contribution to this story was actually your absence. Your lack of participation. Your lack of presence in the group is what you’re now known for. You tried to play the hero, but I’m afraid you cast yourself in the wrong role. You turned yourself into a traitor, a villain, and you have become our enemy. 

XAPHAN: I’m going to put Belzagor down now.

BELZAGOR: Finally! 

HORNBLAS: Wait. no I- 

[[SFX: BELZAGOR grunts as she punches HORNBLAS in the face with a sickening thud. He crumples to the ground]] 

BELZAGOR: And. You’re not my friend anymore.

NISROCH: Belzagor… your hand.

BELZAGOR: If anyone needs me, I’ll be getting drunk on the Carousel. Xaphan. Let’s go. 

XAPHAN: Coming. 

[[SFX: Door opens and closes as BELZAGOR and XAPHAN go back into the mall]]

TRENT: That was terrifying.

TRAINEE: Oh, he’s like out cold.

NISROCH: He deserves it.

[[SFX: The mall rumbles]]

TRENT: But really, what is that?

NISROCH: Like I said, we don’t owe you any answers. 

TRAINEE: Also, we still, like, don’t know.

NISROCH: Raven, Damien, drag Hornblas back to the kitchen. He’s a shithead but I’m not going to just leave him out here.

RAVEN: Ugh. Fine. 

DAMIEN: Only if I get to go through his pockets!

NISROCH: Fine by me. 

[[SFX: The teens drag HORNBLAS back into the mall]]

NISROCH: [in the distance] So much for a quiet evening.

[[SFX: NISROCH and the teens exit and the door to the mall closes behind them]]

TRENT: Asmoraius.

ASMORAIUS: Not now. Trent. This is all too much exposition for me to follow.

TRENT: I know this doesn’t look good. But I-

ASMORAIUS: Not now. I need… I need to ride the carousel too!

TRENT: Now? 

ASMORAIUS: Now! To clear my head!

TRENT: Oh. Um. Okay?

ASMORAIUS: Goodbye!... Dramatically.

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS also goes back into the mall, the door closes behind them]]

TRENT: [sighs]

TRAINEE: Damn. Like that was rough.

TRENT: Who are you?

TRAINEE: I’m Trainee! I basically run this place. 

TRENT: That’s an interesting name.

TRAINEE: It’s grown on me. So are you gonna go back to heaven orrr…

TRENT: After that heist I pulled? I don’t think that would end well for me.

TRAINEE: Welp, then that sounds like you’re stuck here like the rest of us. Come on, I’ll like show you around… harp-slinger. 

TRENT: No that really is derogatory-

TRAINEE: Oh.

[[SFX: TRENT and TRAINEE enter the mall, leaving the quiet parking lot behind them]]

[[MUSIC: Outro - Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song plays over credits]

-- CREDITS --

KRISTEN DIMERCURIO: Demons and Mortals alike, thank you for listening to Brimstone Valley Mall. This show was written and directed by Kristen DiMercurio, hey! That’s me. It was co-written by Mark Wolf Roberts and Talia Rochmann. This episode was sound designed by Mischa Stanton, and recorded by Phil DiMercurio and Evan Chambers. Featuring performances by: Regina Russell as Trainee, Bex-Taylor Klaus as Nisroch, Susannah Wilson as Belzagor, Isa Braun as Xaphan, Mark Wolf Roberts as Asmoraius, B. Dave Walters as Hornblas, Chris Trindade as Trent and Damien, and Jordan Cobb as Raven

Additional voices by: Michelle Agresti, and Felix Trench

Our theme music is written and performed by FM Buller. Our show art is designed by Talia Rochmann. Brimstone Valley Mall is produced by Kristen DiMercurio. Associate producers: Lyn Rafil, Mischa Stanton, and Bex Taylor-Klaus

For news, fanart and more, you can follow us on twitter at bvmpod, and facebook, instagram, and tumblr at brimstonevalleymall.

Also a huge thank you to our indiegogo supporters. We’re looking at you: 

Daniel Irwin, Daniel Van Horn, Danielle Fay, Danielle Williamson, David Ault, David Durand, David Taylor-Klaus,  Delaney Brittingham, Destry Cloud, devonmarie83, El Zair, Eleanor Christie, Eleanor Robb, Eli Barraza, Elise Bergeron, Elizabeth Nettleton, Ella Watts, Elliott Kurely, Elliott Orchard-Blowen, Emery Dennison, Emily Elmore, Emma Cox, Emma Morrissey, Eric White, Eris128, Fae Exshaw, Felix Prince, and Film Snobbery.

And as usually, we’d like to thank:

AmeBot2038, Antigone Brickman, Ari Rochmann, Axel Kennedy, Barbara Klaus, Bethany Gorka, Cameron Lochrie, Carol Wolf, Caroline Claudino, Cassandra Shay, Curtis Dibrell JR., Dani Sakaida, De.annaell, Eleanor Hyde, Elizabeth Baquet, Etrigan, Gigi Watson, Halen Dean, Hallie Casey, Harold Porter Melcher, Hedge, James Woods, Jean DiMercurio, Jeff Chaney, JJ Ellis, Julian Ceipek, Katie Touart, Kinsey Wilson and Margaret Low, Marina Cerame, Meghan Utz, Melissa Hernandez, Nathaniel Gibson, Olivia Juniper, R. Scott Creighton

RamRot, Randy Lovings, Rebecca Gates, Rees Schofield, Rhiannon Cooper, Samuel Schwimmer, Sara Shanahan, Savvy Cornett, Stephanie Tully, Taj Chawla, Temmy Silver, Travis Reaves, Victor Casados, Vijay Srivastava, Vincent Z, and Wacky-D

Now head on over to the food court, because today’s Weiner World Special Is: Crispy Thigh…roids… In a bowl… Maybe there’s sauce.