[[MUSIC: Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song. 30 seconds of a rockin’ 90s bass line with drums and electric guitar]]

-- Scene 01 --

[[SFX: It’s the Weiner World kitchen! Chopping, sizzling, and pots and pans clang around as a RAVEN struggles to cook. A voice plays on the tiny TV in the corner]]

REPORTER ON TV: Welcome back to W-ASSUP MORNING NEWS, your source for the sauce! It’s April 2nd, 2000, and spring has sprung! Bringing with it some April showers! So we’re going to talk for a long long time about the weather! Following that, don’t forget to stay tuned for our evening segment as we cover a live story at Brimstone Valley Mall. Uncovering the mystery behind why it’s been inexplicably overrun by scary and intimidating goths ever since New Year’s eve, over three months ago—

[[SFX: Raven turns off the TV]]

RAVEN: Overrun by goths? [scoffs] Yeah right. I’d like, rather the mall was overrun by goths. Demons eat, like, so much, 

[[SFX: The mall rumbles, dust and debris litter down from the ceiling]]

RAVEN: Ugh. Not that stupid rumbling again. It’s getting ceiling dust in the glute burger cream!

[[SFX: DAMIEN pushes open the swinging door into the kitchen]]

DAMIEN: Raven! I need 3 Kneecap Nachos, 1 order of Fried Nostril Rings, a Gluteburger with no bun and extra eyeball relish, 3 orders of Gut Pretzels, the mall is making that weird rumbling sound again—oh, and way more free samples. There’s like, 50 demons yelling at me saying that they want free samples. 

RAVEN: Ugh, Damien! This is like the fifth day in a row! Why is Wiener World suddenly busier than all the other counters in the food court?? All the other kitchens are cooking Nisroch’s recipes! So why are they bombarding us?

DAMIEN: Oh, Xaphan’s been telling everyone that Weiner World is the only counter serving real human meat. 

RAVEN: That is such a lie! Hell, the green smoothies over at Jenga Juice have blood in them now. [exhales] Let me handle this.

[[SFX: RAVEN pushes through the swinging door and walks up to the rowdy crowd at the counter]]

RAVEN: [clears her throat] Uhhh, Fellow Dark Ones, fear not. If you’ve already placed an order, we’re like going as fast as we can. Okay? And if you haven’t placed an order yet, ummmm I’m sorry but we’re closing early cause of um… [whispers] Damien! What’s the next holiday coming up?

DAMIEN: Uhhh Easter? 

RAVEN: Yeah! Easter! We’re closing for Easter so get out of here before I get Nisroch to like, smite you or something! 

DAMIEN: Shhhhh, Raven, you can’t be mean to customers! 

RAVEN: Why the hell not? Nisroch does it all the time.

DAMIEN: They’ll leave us a bad review!

RAVEN: Good! Then maybe we’d have less customers! Go away! There are plenty of other places in the food court that serve human parts! Git! Go! 

[[SFX: The crowd gets louder]]

RAVEN: Aaaand they’re not leaving.

DAMIEN: Ugh! Why is no one listening to us? 

RAVEN: We’re demons now! We’re like, cool!

DAMIEN: Maybe we’re not cool enough! 

RAVEN: If only we were REALLY cool like - 

 [[SFX: BELZAGOR slurps through a straw]]

RAVEN + DAMIEN: [in unison] Belzagor!

BELZAGOR: Sup.

DAMIEN: Thank Satan you’re here. You have to help us!

BELZAGOR: Yo, why is everyone here so mad at you? This is nuts. Hang on, I can’t hear myself think. 

BELZAGOR: [demon voice] Everyone, SHUT UP!!

[[SFX: The crowd quiets down]]

DAMIEN: There are too many customers, and we’re overwhelmed!

RAVEN: And the kitchen is so hot! I’m, like, sweaty! 

DAMIEN: And I look stupid in this stupid hat! 

[[SFX: DAMIEN squeaks his weiner hat]]

DAMIEN: It’s flattening my perfect bangs!

RAVEN: Working for Mammon was so much cooler than this. I can’t believe she traded our fealty to Nisroch for a piece of gum. It wasn’t even cinnamon. 

BELZAGOR: Yo, that’s lame.

RAVEN: It’s so lame!

DAMIEN: And now no one will listen to us!

BELZAGOR: Okay, Let me try. Hey! Uhh, Citizens or whatever of Brimstone Valley Mall. These teen-demons are clearly overwhelmed. So like, go eat elsewhere, or go home. Get a life.

DEMON 1: We can’t go home!

BELZAGOR: Ugh, go back to your tent in the old Prepercrombie and Binch, or whatever. You know what I mean.

RAVEN: Yeah, We’re like, closed for Easter. Like I said.

BELZAGOR: Um. Easter is next week.

DEMON 3: Easter?? I bet you’re all in cahoots with the angels, just like your little friend Thornblush! 

BELZAGOR: Ugh no, that’s not- His name is- Whatever, I don’t have to explain myself. Weiner World is closed due to you all being idiots.

DEMON 1: I want my free samples!

RAVEN: Well, Nisroch is busy running the rest of the food court, so you’re just going to have to wait!

DEMON 3: I can’t wait! I only had breakfast twenty minutes ago!

BELZAGOR: Relax. We’re demons. Quick reminder: we don’t need to eat! You’re good, dude. 

DEMON 1: You’re friends with Hornblas, how can we trust you?

DEMON 2: Yeah! You’re probably friends with the angels too. I bet you two hang out all the time on like, clouds, and flap your little fluffy wings, and tell the Pope what a good job he’s doing!

DEMON 1: Yeah! [chanting] Belzagor and Hornblas! Belzagor and Hornblas!

BELZAGOR: You know what? That’s it. You want a free sample?? I got one right here. How about a KNUCKLE SANDWICH??

[[SFX: BELZAGOR punches DEMON 1 in the face. A full brawl breaks out in the food court]]

RAVEN: Hell yeah, let me at ‘em.

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 02 --

[[SFX: In Borderline Personaslity Bookstore, XAPHAN hums a chipper tune while shelving books]]

DEMON 4: Um. Excuse me?

XAPHAN: Oh! Hi! Welcome to Borderline Personality Bookstore! How can I help you? 

DEMON 4: Hi, I’m looking for a book on... “Personal Hygiene” for my humanskin? Could you point me in the right direction? 

XAPHAN: Yes. That will be in the Health and Beauty section over there by the display on DIY dog grooming to the left of the bathrooms. 

DEMON 4: What’s a dog?

XAPHAN: Like cerberus, but smaller. With one head. 

DEMON 4: Weird. Sounds… unbalanced.

XAPHAN: Oh, it is. And so is taking care of a human body, so I think you’ll find the Health and Beauty section very helpful.

DEMON 4: Thank you, it’s been three months living up here, and I still can’t seem to figure out why I have hair um… here?

XAPHAN: Yeah, you’re not alone. We get questions about it all the time. You might also want to check out a few volumes on puberty. It gets… complicated.

DEMON 4: Oh boy. Okay. Thanks. 

XAPHAN: You’ve got it! And thanks for shopping at Borderline Personality Bookstore! A demon’s go to stop for resources and guides to life on the surface! 

[a beat]

XAPHAN: Alright. Now where was I? Books, prepared to be shelved! Alright, here my darling - Alright, The Babysitters Gang Volume 84, okay you go here. Samurai Mice, right. Uh [tongue clicking] you’ll just be over here, and Look, I Made A Cats the Musical: The Book, Plus Original Score- Hm. Do I put that under books or musicals, or sheet music, or pet care-?

DEMON 2: [from a distance] Um. HELLO? Does anyone even WORK here??? 

XAPHAN: I DO! I am Xaphan! Stocker of Books and Recommender of Titles! And still Hornblas’s replacement!

DEMON 2: [still from a distance] Yeah okay whatever, why is no one here at the REGISTER? I’ve been waiting for 17 seconds!

XAPHAN: Ooh! I can help with that!

[[SFX: Xaphan runs over to the register]]

XAPHAN: [out of breath] Hi! Yes! I am now The Register. As requested.

DEMON 2: Good. I want to buy this book.

XAPHAN: Ah yes, Gorbo’s Guide to Becoming A Gajillionaire. That’s an… interesting choice.

DEMON 2: [laughs] I’m a money demon. So I figured it was high time I studied up on the economic systems running in this part of the world so I can- 

XAPHAN: Oh sure! That’s fascinating! Yes, just write the title of your book here on this clipboard and be sure to bring the book back when you’re finished.

DEMON 2: … Wait what? Don’t I have to buy it? 

XAPHAN: No need!

DEMON 2: Did you not hear me? I’m a demon of Commerce! I want to-

XAPHAN: Might I direct your attention to that big sign back there behind the register.

DEMON 2: Huh? Oh [reading] “We don’t use money here, we tried that and it was too stupid. Just sign out the book and bring it back when you’re done. Also Mall Rat is the best band ever. XOXO, Xaphan, aka Hornblas’s Replacement aka Stocker of the Books and Recommender of Titles.” Did… did you write that with crayon?

XAPHAN: You’re all set. No need to pay. But you can still ring the cash register drawer if you want. I love that sound!

[[SFX: XAPHAN rings the cash register drawer]]

XAPHAN: Ah! So fun!

DEMON 2: But wait! How can you do anything without money? It makes the world go around!

XAPHAN: Actually! That would be math.

DEMON 2: Excuse me?

XAPHAN: Math makes the world go around! In fact, math comprises the fundamental building blocks of every aspect of the entire universe! 

DEMON 2: Okay technically sure, but I’m talking about real world exchange for goods and services—

XAPHAN: Interestingly enough, almost everyone who thinks they are interested in finance and economics, is actually just interested in math. Might I recommend this?

[[SFX: XAPHAN slams a large book onto the counter with a yell]]

XAPHAN: An Extremely Long and Thorough History of Time by Stephen Quacking! Or maybe, Oh one second-

[[SFX: XAPHAN slams another book onto the counter]]

XAPHAN: Quantum Mechanics 101: Baking the Cake?

DEMON 2: Oh. Uh. Okay that actually does sound interesting. I guess I’ll give this a try instead.

XAPHAN: Great! Just sign the book out right here and- 

[[SFX: Three bells chime over the PA system, TRAINEE’s voice comes on over the loudspeaker]]

TRAINEE (MALL ANNOUNCEMENT): Paging Xaphan! Xaphan, if you can hear this, come to the cafe! Over! Wait. Is it over and out? I never finished watching Saving Private Lion. It’s like. So long.

XAPHAN: Ah! That would be our fearless leader! Paging me from the bookstore cafe! I must depart! 

DEMON 2: Woah, did you know that the Fibonacci sequence is responsible for how depressed I am? This book is great already!

XAPHAN: Don’t forget to kaching the drawer! It’s very satisfying! So long!

[[SFX: XAPHAN runs to meet TRAINEE in the bookstore cafe]]

TRAINEE: Xaphan! Xaphan, it worked!

XAPHAN: Yes! You summoned me! Oh but not in the way that is terrible and out of my control! 

TRAINEE: Check this out. 

XAPHAN: Woah! That is a cool machine. What is it.

TRAINEE: Belzagor built this so I could tap into the Mall’s PA system! If, like she did it right, I should be able to like, press one of these buttons and make an announcement to any store I want!

XAPHAN: Ooooh! Can we try one right now?

TRAINEE: Um duh!

XAPHAN: Ahh! So exciting! Do one in… the arcade!

TRAINEE: Oh oo oo, good idea. [clears throat]

[[SFX: TRAINEE presses down a button on the machine]]

TRAINEE: Attention nerds! Keep doing what you’re doing! Those games won’t play themselves! 

[[SFX: TRAINEE releases the button, they both squeal]]

XAPHAN: Ooh! So encouraging! Let me try one! 

TRAINEE: Wait- Xaphan!

[[SFX: XAPHAN and TRAINEE scuffle, and Xaphan presses down another button]]

XAPHAN: Whoever can hear this! You’re doing a great job! Keep on pushing and you’ll achieve your goals in no time! 

[[SFX: XAPHAN releases the button]]

TRAINEE: What store was that?

XAPHAN: Um. That one.

TRAINEE: That’s the bathrooms.

XAPHAN: Excellent.

TRAINEE: [giggles] Anyways, this system is like gonna be so great! No more old mall announcements from that lady with the annoying voice. And now we can keep the citizens of the mall informed about… I don’t know, anything we want! Helpful resources, important announcements, breaking news- 

XAPHAN: The arrival of low rise jeans?

TRAINEE: What?

XAPHAN: It’s all over the magazine racks. Humans are wearing low rise jeans.

TRAINEE: How low are we talking?

XAPHAN: Low.

TRAINEE: Wow. Like welcome to the 2000s I guess. Oh! And speaking of breaking news, I’ve finally figured out a way to handle our little PR problem. With the humans. 

XAPHAN: Oh.

TRAINEE:  I called the local news station WASSUP, and told them there was a big scoop here at the mall! Asmoraius is going to take care of it later this afternoon.

XAPHAN: Wow. Trainee, you’ve really taken this whole “Leader of the new mall society” position very well!

TRAINEE: Aw, thanks Xaphan! That’s, like so nice. I didn’t really plan to become a community organizer, but-

XAPHAN: But after your speech! How could you not?? It was so, so good! Oh especially the part where you said, and I quote: “You have brains in your head. Feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction… you choose.”

TRAINEE: Aw, stop, that feels like it was ages ago. I’ve learned so much since then! Maybe I should start wearing blazers.

XAPHAN: [gasps]

TRAINEE: Oh, unrelated, are you free this afternoon to help me recruit a bunch of volunteers for the next morgue raid? Nisroch said they can’t keep up with food court demands, and someone has been sneaking into the fridges at night and eating their finger supply.

XAPHAN: [mumbling guiltily] Oh weird, I wonder who was doing that definitely not me I would never. 

TRAINEE: Mhm. But first I’ve got to set up another meeting with Belzagor about wiring internet access into the arcade for public use. We might even want to change the sign out front to say something like “Combination Arcade And Internet Cafe.” Proper signage is like super important I’ll talk to Asmoraius and see if we can- 

[[SFX: TRAINEE’s tamagotchi beeps]]

TRAINEE: Oh! Oops! Hey little guy. Sorry I have to feed my tamagotchi. He’s like, so hungry. Aw, have I shown you the horns he grew after our trip down to Hell? He’s like, soo cute!

XAPHAN: Those are excellent horns.

TRAINEE: Anyways, while I do this, would you mind reshelving the books on the far end of my desk? I’ve read them, but I’m too busy to put them back. Ugh, why is there always so much poop?

XAPHAN: Ooh! Which books have you been reading? [examining the books] Oh Trainee, the Communist PlaniFesto, oh and Das LowerKase, ohhh How to Run a Small Self Sustaining Society for Dummies! These are some really great books!

TRAINEE: Right? It’s like crazy! I’ve learned so much more in the last week than I learned in like, all of high school!

XAPHAN: High school! What a concept. Oh, that reminds me. You should read this.

[[SFX: XAPHAN adds a magazine to the pile]]

TRAINEE: Teen Brogue Magazine?

XAPHAN: It’s got a lot of fluff pieces in it currently, but I do feel like it really has the potential to be a great resource for surprisingly well researched and informed editorial content. Well, if you can get past the dialect.

TRAINEE: Seems interesting. 

[[SFX: they flip through the magazine pages]]

TRAINEE: Woah. Those jeans are low.

XAPHAN: Extremely.

TRAINEE: Maybe I should push off my meetings and, like, head to Hot Topic first.

XAPHAN: Good luck. It’s always so busy there!

TRAINEE: Huh. What does “emo” mean? And why is it like “the new thing”?

XAPHAN: [gasps] The new THING? I must know more.

TRAINEE: Yeah. Let’s hold off on like all my meetings today, this is important.

XAPHAN: Ah, yes. Emo! Prepare to be understood!

TRAINEE: So much plaid

XAPHAN+TRAINEE: [in unison] Fingerless gloves!

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 03 -- 

[[SFX: JOHN adjust his large video camera]]

JANICE: John? How’s my hair look?

JOHN: Looks good.

JANICE: You always say that. Really, does it look okay? Camera ready?

JOHN: We’re here to report a shitty story about too many goths in a shopping mall. It’s not Breaking News. No one cares what your hair looks like, Janice.

JANICE: There’s no small stories Johnathan, only small news anchors.

JOHN: Ugghh, let’s just get this over with. Who’s the guy we’re supposed to be meeting?

JANICE: His name is Asmorai- Ah!

[SFX: ASMORAIUS bursts through the double doors]

ASMORAIUS: Why hello there!

JANICE: Oh, uh,-

JOHN: That’s the guy, I bet.

ASMORAIUS: Excuse me, is this W-ASSUP 7 LOCAL NEWS? You must be the news crew. Come to interview…moi?

JANICE: Well we just have a few questions-

ASMORAIUS: Oh, I’m so delighted! I’ll be your ambassador, your escort, your elite tour guide through the wonderful and weird world of Brimstone Valley Mall! Oh, um. Do you mind if I fix your hair, darling, it looks positively dreadful. 

JANICE: Um-

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS sprays her hair with hairspray]] 

ASMORAIUS: Aaaaand there we go.

JANICE: Do you just… keep a can of hairspray in your shirt ruffles?

JOHN: Let’s hurry this along. Uh we’re on deadline.

JANICE: Right okay. John, can you get a shot of us out here at the entrance of the mall before we go in? I wanna do the interview portion out here. I look better in natural light.

ASMORAIUS: Oh yes, ask me anything, I’m an open book and haven’t been rehearsing this at all.

JANICE: Alright, just look at me, not into the camera. I’m going to ask you a few simple questions, and then we can get out of here.

JOHN: Ugh, this mall gives me the creeps.

JANICE: Ready when you are, John.

JOHN: Alright. Rolling in 3, 2, …. 

JANICE: Good morning citizens of south central Pennsylvania. I’m Janice DeManice reporting to you live from Brimstone Valley Mall. I’m standing here with Asmoraius… Last name, who’s going to tell us what exactly has been causing such a hubbub here at our local shopping center. Asmoraius, first of all, this is… quite the look you’re wearing!

ASMORAIUS: I dress to impress. 

JANICE: Well count me impressed! Or should I say Count Dracula. Ahahaha. [awkward pause] Anyways, there have been reports all over town of enormous influx of goth patrons in Brimstone Valley Mall, and the crazier thing is, rumor has it they’ve been camping out here for nearly three months. Asmoraius, can you confirm this?

ASMORAIUS: That’s exactly right, Janice! And there’s a perfectly reasonable and not made up explanation which is: Brimstone Valley Mall is hosting a really long Goth Convention! For goths!

JANICE: A… Goth convention?

ASMORAIUS: Yes, GothCon! And it’s an extremely comprehensive operation! 

JANICE: Aren’t goths sort of outdated now though? It’s the 2000s! Goths are so 1990-

ASMORAIUS: I can take it from here, Janice! A-yoink!

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS takes the mic out of Janice’s hands]]

JANICE: Hey! Wait! My mic!

ASMORAIUS: John, follow me.

JOHN: Oh. uhhh.

ASMORAIUS: [demon voice] I said… follow me.

JOHN: Oh- Oh wow. Yeah, sure. I’ll follow you… anywhere.

JANICE: John? What has gotten into you!

ASMORAIUS: Smell ya later, Janice!

JANICE: What are you talking- Hey! You can’t leave me out here!

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS opens the door to the mall and enters with JOHN, locking JANICE outside]]

ASMORAIUS: Welcome, TV-viewing residents of south central Pennsylvania, to Brimstone Valley Mall- mall - mall! 

[[SFX: The sounds of a very busy shopping mall, patrons walking, talking, and shopping]]

ASMORAIUS: This is the grand concourse, and as you can see it’s absolutely crawling with de- I mean goths! So many goths! All going about their little goth days! So, let’s start our tour! Hmmm where shall we begin? Oh! I know, come on this way, oh don’t step in that.

JOHN: Hm. Gross. What’s that?

ASMORAIUS: What is what? Definitely not a spilled blood smoothie! Now, over here, just off the main concourse, you’ll see the first stop on our tour, our beloved GadgetHut! 

[[SFX: The door dings as they enter the store, inside we hear welding and machinery]]

ASMORAIUS: For the sake of the um… the Goth Convention. We’ve converted this drab little electronics store into a workshop for our head tinkerer, Belzagor! If anything breaks around the mall, who do you call?

JOHN: Uhh..

ASMORAIUS: It’s Belzagor! You call her. Oh and here she is! Belzagor! Oh! Sparks! Wow. Look at that. Belzagor, do you have time for a quick interview for the news- 

[[SFX: BELZAGOR stops welding, lifts up her face shield]]

BELZAGOR: No. Leave.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR puts the face shield back down. Continues welding]]

ASMORAIUS: Ah. She’s so cool. Alrighty then, let’s move right along! If you’ll follow me... 

[[SFX: The door dings again as they pass back into the main thoroughfare]]

ASMORAIUS: As we continue on, note the Prepercrombie and Binch on your left. The dim lights and accosting smells have attracted many a de- I mean, Goths. Haha. Just goths here! As you can see, they’ve creatively used the mannequins and polos to create elaborate tent villages where they spend their days during the convention. Very cozy. If you’re into that sort of thing.

DEMON 2: Hey! Hey! Don’t step over the line! This is our terf! Go back to your own side!

JOHN: Oh, I’m uh… I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to.

DEMON 2: Not you. HIM!

DEMON 1: This is Prepercrombie and Binch territory! Go back to Canadian Egret where you belong! 

DEMON 2: Oh yeah? Don’t make me get into demon skin and kick your ass all the way back to Lollister!

ASMORAIUS: Ooop! Let’s just hurry along. There’s a little turf war happening here in Poloville.  I find the politics of it all rather dull. Not enough romance, y’know? Plus, it reminds me of someone... who I once knew… I don’t wish to talk about it! Ok, here we are! Our next next-ination: Borderline Personality Bookstore!

[[SFX: The door chimes as they walk into the store, it is much quieter in here]]

ASMORAIUS: Here we have the expansive, vibrant, throbbing, girthy center of our mighty mall! A question for you John: what is the LARGEST, most important organ in a mortal body?

JOHN: Uhh—

ASMORAIUS: No! Aha, it’s the brain! And how else to nourish the brain but…

XAPHAN: [suddenly and quietly] Knowledge.

JOHN: AH!!

XAPHAN: Hello. 

JOHN: Where did you come from?

ASMORAIUS: She does that. May I introduce Xaphan, the um manager of this bookstore? Xaphan what do you call yourself these days?

XAPHAN: I am Xaphan, Stocker of Books and Recommender of Titles! I run this center of knowledge with our fearless leader, Trainee. She’s over in the cafe, organizing our next community movie night. No pictures please. 

JOHN: I wasn’t going to-

XAPHAN: And she’s not taking interviews. She’s a busy de— uhh human person.

JOHN: Okay?

ASMORAIUS: And what normal goth-related activities go on here, Xaphan?

XAPHAN: Learning. Uh. Informing. Planning. Endless… planning. You see, what we are creating here is a never-before-seen microcosm, a self-sustaining ecosystem of self-involved and narrowly-minded individuals who’ve been cut off from their intended purpose, who must be given structure, and nourishment, and education and-

ASMORAIUS: And there you have it! Goths love learning. 

[[SFX: The camera is jostled as XAPHAN comes too close]]

ASMORAIUS: Woah Xaphan what are you-

XAPHAN: Film me.

JOHN: Film… you?

XAPHAN: I’m going to do something. And I wish to be witnessed. Forever.

ASMORAIUS: Oh no. Please, not this again, Xaphan.

XAPHAN: Are you ready?

JOHN: Ready for what?

XAPHAN: I have been studying for weeks. And now I can do… the flips. HEEEEYAAAh! 

[[SFX: XAPHAN jumps into the air, knocking over the JOHN and the camera]]

ASMORAIUS: No! No, Xaphan! Cut! Cut!

[[SFX: The recording cuts out, then back in]]

XAPHAN: I did it! I did it! They saw! They all saw!

JOHN: Wow. I was not ready.

ASMORAIUS: Well. One rarely is when it comes to Xaphan. Anyways! On with the tour.

[[SFX: The door chimes as ASMORAIUS and JOHN exit]]

ASMORAIUS: Let’s see, we’ll just pass Old Gravy - filled with goths now - Limited 2 and a Half - also filled with goths - Chloe’s - where goths can get more piercings-, The Crapplebees - which no one goes into- , Splinters Gifts - for goths who love fart jokes and weed-, Toys R Us, which-

JOHN: Let me guess. Is filled with goths.

ASMORAIUS: Right you are John!

JOHN: I... think we got it. We got it. Yeah.

ASMORAIUS: Of course you do. You humans are just so smart, aren’t you?

JOHN: What?

ASMORAIUS: Let’s skip ahead to the best parts then. Now we’ll venture to the heart of the Mall… or should I say, the stomach of the mall. Haha! The food court! Here you’ll find the crown jewel of our establishment, the world’s most gorgeous carousel!

[[SFX: The carousel squeaks and whirrs mechanically, playing creepy carousel music]]

ASMORAIUS: Isn’t she a sight to behold? 

JOHN: Uhh, Why is it uh… doing that?

ASMORAIUS: We made some modifications last year. For the convention of course! But woah look over there suddenly! At the dining area! You can see many a-happy goth, munching away at our delicious cuisine! There’s of course, the insanely popular Weiner World.

JOHN: [laughs]

ASMORAIUS: What’s so funny?

JOHN: Oh, You know like the name. It’s… it’s Weiner World.

ASMORAIUS: I don’t follow. Anyways, that pile of rubble next to it was once Sausage Depot, which we don’t talk about or acknowledge. Next to the rubble, we have Spaghetti Warehouse, McDollar’s, you know, all the standard food court fare.

JOHN: This place is packed.

ASMORAIUS: That’s right! Our head chef Nisroch runs the whole thing! It’s quite the operation. Please forgive the mess, there was a bit of a food fight this morning. You know. Goth stuff-

JOHN: Is that… a severed leg?

ASMORAIUS: No! Now, if you continue on down this way you’ll see Hot Topic, which requires no explanation.

JOHN: Haha, okay that makes sense.

ASMORAIUS: Between you and me, we had a little “incident” with the stockroom earlier in the year that was really not goth, but not to worry! We sealed the door shut with duct tape and chewed gum, so we’re all safe now. 

JOHN: Safe from what?

ASMORAIUS: Haha! And finally, our last and final stop at last, my pride and joy, the arcade-cade-cade-cade... Which I have personally overseen for the past 3 months as... Managér. Yes. And grande re-designer, major-domo, sole owner. There’s 25 premium arcade cabinets, 18 ravenous gambling and roulette tables, and a charming bar in the back. I call it my little “bar-cade”, but it’s a multipurpose space. And, soon, we will be South Central Pennsylvania’s first Cybernet Internet Cafe Emporium! “Coming Soon, Can’t Wait!”

JOHN: Wow, it’s so... unnecessarily decadent.

ASMORAIUS: Isn’t all decadence... a little unnecessary? Ha!

[[SFX: A crowd cheers]]

ASMORAIUS: We’re approaching our most popular game that the d—goths, the goths love, Dance Dance Retribution!

[[SFX: dance music pump through the speakers]]

JOHN: Woah. This line goes all the way out the door.

ASMORAIUS: What’s not to love? Frantically stomping on arrows while desperately holding onto the handle bar for dear life? While a disembodied man yells at you? Let’s interview the stars playing now! What say you, fellow goths, does playing the dance game stimulate your puny brains and keep you off the streets?

[[SFX:  Eldritch screams from the demons in response. The game machine yells “You’re stylishly on fire!”]] 

ASMORAIUS: Haha, oh you guys. Well, anyways let’s just leave now.

[[SFX: Dance music fades into the background as they leave the store]]

ASMORAIUS: Is there anything else you’d like to see in the mall before you and Janice scurry back to your miserable lives?

JOHN: Oh my god… where’d Janice go? JANICE?!

ASOMARIUS: Oh she and her hair are fine. I’m sure. For all you viewers at home, this is me, Asmoraius, the sexiest creature alive, and you’re watching W-ASSUP 7 News.

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 04 -- 

[[SFX: In the main concourse of the mall, three small chimes as an announcement rings out over the PA system]]

TRAINEE (MALL ANNOUNCEMENT): Testing, testing, one two! Okay, here goes nothing. Hello Demons of Brimstone Valley Mall! This is your fearless leader, Trainee, with my first ever PA announcement! I wanted to let you all know that we’re organizing a cleanup crew to handle the aftermath of the food court fights this afternoon, so if you or someone you know likes licking food up off the floors - I’m looking at you, Gluttony Demons -  then assemble by the carousel at 6:66pm to receive your clean up crew vests and bibs! That’s all for now! XOXO - Trainee. O-M-S, Xaphan I did it! How did it sound? Did it sound official? [squeals] This is so cool! Oh shoot wait I forgot to hit the off button. Hang on let me just- 

[[SFX: The announcement cuts out. NISROCH opens the door to the empty employee parking lot]]

NISROCH: [a big yawn and stretch] Ooh man. What a day. 

[[SFX: NISROCH sits down and lights a cigarette, a train can be heard quietly in the distance]]

NISROCH: Finally, some peace and quiet.

[[SFX: The mall door opens, BELZAGOR, DAMIEN, and RAVEN walk through]]

BELZAGOR: Misnis! I feel like I haven’t seen you in like two weeks. 

NISROCH: Belzagor, I- [less enthused] Oh, you brought company.

DAMIEN: Nisroch! It’s been like, SO hard running the kitchen without you.

RAVEN: Yeah, I’m like, permanently greasy. Where have you been?

NISROCH: I’ve been insanely busy running the entire food court in case you hadn’t noticed. Woah, what happened to you three? You look terrible!

BELZAGOR: Food Court Fight.

NISROCH: That was you? 

RAVEN: Hell yeah it was us!

DAMIEN: It was gnarly. 

BELZAGOR: Hang on, let me snag my dumpster booze. It’s been a day.

NISROCH: That explains why half of my customers at Spaghetti Warehouse had black eyes.

[[SFX: The mall door opens, ASMORAIUS walks out]] 

ASMORAIUS: Oh look! Everyone’s here!

NISROCH: Great. I came out here for peace and quiet, and now there are going to be so many of us talking I can’t even follow any of the conversation-

[[SFX: The mall dor opens again, XAPHAN and TRAINEE walk out]]

XAPHAN: Friends! In the parking lot! Trainee! Everyone’s out here!

NISROCH: Here we go.

TRAINEE: Woah! Like ,why do you guys look so beat up?

DAMIEN+RAVEN: Food Court Fight.

TRAINEE: Ohhh so that was you! Very cute.

ASMORAIUS: Nisroch, can I bum a cigarette?

BELZAGOR: [from the dumpster]  Oh, Asmo grab me one too!

XAPHAN: I want one! They make me dizzy.

TRAINEE: O-M-S I want to be like dizzy!

NISROCH: Ugh, Lucifer. Whatever! Fine! Just pass around the pack- none for the teens!

DAMIEN+RAVEN: Awww! 

RAVEN: We’re demons now! We can do what we want!

DAMIEN: Yeah, and you’re not the boss of me!

NISROCH: I am literally your boss.

RAVEN: And that’s not our fault.

TRAINEE: You’re not my boss. I’m like the president of the mall now so I think I can have a-

BELZAGOR: [back from the dumpster] No, you can’t. 

TRAINEE: But I wanna be DIZZY-

BELZAGOR: Wait, wait, wait. Shh. Do you guys hear that?

[[SFX: A deep whirring sound approaches from the sky]]

XAPHAN: Yes.

NISROCH: It’s getting closer.

ASMORAIUS: It sounds like-

BELZAGOR: A portal!

[[SFX: A heavenly portal opens over the employee parking lot, dumping TRENT and HORNBLAS onto the asphalt, with crash of thunder]] 

NISROCH: Holy shit it’s-

ASMORAIUS: Trent!

BELZAGOR: Hornblas?!

TRENT: [getting up] Uh… Hi everybody.

HORNBLAS: [also getting up] Uhh. Miss me?

[[MUSIC: Outro - Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song plays over credits]]

-- CREDITS --

KRISTEN DIMERCURIO: Demons and Mortals alike, thank you for listening to Brimstone Valley Mall. This show was written and directed by Kristen DiMercurio, hey! That’s me. It was co-written by Mark Wolf Roberts and Talia Rochmann. This episode was sound designed by Mischa Stanton, and recorded by Phil DiMercurio and Evan Chambers. Featuring performances by: Regina Russell as Trainee, Bex-Taylor Klaus as Nisroch, Susannah Wilson as Belzagor, Isa Braun as Xaphan, Mark Wolf Roberts as Asmoraius, B. Dave Walters as Hornblas, Chris Trindade as Trent and Damien, and Jordan Cobb as Raven

Additional voices by: Erin Bark, Mayana Berrin, Blu Del Barrio, Lyn Rafil, Joshua Rubino, and Eric Silver

Our theme music is written and performed by FM Buller. Our show art is designed by Talia Rochmann. Brimstone Valley Mall is produced by Kristen DiMercurio. Associate producers: Lyn Rafil, Mischa Stanton, and Bex Taylor-Klaus

For news, fanart and more, you can follow us on twitter at bvmpod, and facebook, instagram, and tumblr at brimstonevalleymall.

Also a huge thank you to our indiegogo supporters. We’re looking at you: 

Brady Potts, Brandon Wills, Bri Rambo, Britt Bowen, Bryan Cetrone, Caitlin Amaral, Caius Earthston, Caledonia Smith, Cameron Holt, Carlette, Carson McGorey, Casey Dashney, Cat Weverka, Catherine Fraser, Charles Choi, Charlie Rodriguez, Chloe Gumley, Christi Dawson, Christopher Evangelista, CJ Oastler, Clay Clark, Coda Renkin, Collin Nugent, Courtney Floyd, Crystalwanghy, D. Alan Bates, Dan Berman, and Daniel Gore.

And as usual, huge thank you to: 

AmeBot2038, Antigone Brickman, Ari Rochmann, Axel Kennedy, Barbara Klaus, Bethany Gorka, Cameron Lochrie, Carol Wolf, Caroline Claudino, Cassandra Shay, Curtis Dibrell JR., Dani Sakaida, De.annaell, Eleanor Hyde, Elizabeth Baquet, Etrigan, Gigi Watson, Halen Dean, Hallie Casey, Harold Porter Melcher, Hedge, James Woods, Jean DiMercurio, Jeff Chaney, JJ Ellis, Julian Ceipek, Katie Touart, Kinsey Wilson and Margaret Low, Marina Cerame, Meghan Utz, Melissa Hernandez, Nathaniel Gibson, Olivia Juniper, R. Scott Creighton

RamRot, Randy Lovings, Rebecca Gates, Rees Schofield, Rhiannon Cooper, Samuel Schwimmer, Sara Shanahan, Savvy Cornett, Stephanie Tully, Taj Chawla, Temmy Silver, Travis Reaves, Victor Casados, Vijay Srivastava, Vincent Z, and Wacky-D

Now head on over to the food court, because today’s Weiner World Special Is: Pituitary Pate