[[MUSIC: Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song. 30 seconds of a rockin’ 90s bass line with drums and electric guitar]]

-- Scene 01 --

[[SFX: Cut to the empty food court in the empty mall, the following announcement rings out over the PA speakers, echoing through the concourse]] 

MALL ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention Brimstone Valley Mall Shoppers! Happy New Year! That’s right, the clock just struck twelve, the year is officially 2000, and the mall is currently closed! So you absolutely should not be in he-

[[SFX: A whooshing sound, followed by mass chaos as all of the demons of Hell appear inside the mall. Pandemonium ensues, chaos, screaming, scrambling, confusion. The following lines are coming from all around the listener. Some in demon voice, some not]]

DEMON 1: WHERE ARE WE?

DEMON 4: [running past] oh no oh NO OH NO OH NO!

DEMON 2: I don’t want to go to heaven! Leave me in hell! Leave me in hell where I belong!!

TRENT: [in the background] Hornblas?!

DEMON 3: Is this a prank? Am I being Hell punk’d? Oh no, please don’t let me be Hell Punk’d!

DEMON 4: [running past the other way] This is bad this is bad THIS IS BAD THIS IS BAD!!

DEMON 6: Okay, Demons! We should try to stay calm-

DEMON 2: Everybody PANIC!!

DEMON 1: Okay yeah, that’s a better idea!

TRENT: [still distant] Hornblas??!! Where are you?

DEMON 2: [like spongebob] My leg! My leg! Oh wait, it’s always been like that.

DEMON 3: This place doesn’t look like heaven, but I’m still freaking out!

DEMON 1: How could Hornblas turn on us like this? I thought he was so chill!

DEMON 5: Oh, I hate being summoned! 

DEMON 6: Where did he bring us??

DEMON 3: It looks like we’re in a… a human shopping mall?!

DEMON 6: Oh satan, I think you’re right!

DEMON 3: Oh Lucifer! I don’t want to be on Earth! Especially not in a Mall!

DEMON 5: Oh but look at that fabulous carousel.

DEMON 3: Oh I do love a carousel.

[[SFX: Chaos continues, a clown horn honks as a vehicle careens past, screams and panicking resound throughout the space]]

TRENT: [closer now] Hornblas, there you are! 

HORNBLAS: [groans] Trent-

TRENT: I- Oh you do not look good. 

HORNBLAS: [clearly in pain] I-I couldn’t do it. The summoning. It was too much. I- [more groaning]

TRENT: Hornblas we practiced this! You tighten your core, focus on your inner strength, deepen your breathing, and allow the—

[[SFX: HORNBLAS slips in and out of demon voice. His voice sounds wrong, slightly broken]]

HORNBLAS: I know, I tried. But this. It felt different, Trent. Like I was [voice cracking] like lifting a barge. [coughs] And at first I - I could do it. I could feel the evil density… c-coursing through me. But. But the barrier was.. It pulled too hard and I couldn’t do it. I. Trent, something snapped. I feel wrong. [fit of coughing]

TRENT: Oohhh boy, okay. Why don’t you… sit back down. Let me get the other angels. Guys! Guys over here I found him!

ANGEL 1: [running over] Trent! By my feathers, there you are! What happened? Where are- [to Hornblas] Oh, you do not look good.

TRENT: We’re on Earth. He only summoned us halfway up. Hornblas, can you bring us the rest of the way? 

HORNBLAS: I don’t know. I can try—

[[SFX: HORNBLAS groans and makes a sound equivalent to a car engine turning over]]

TRENT: Nope. Nope. Stop right now. That is disturbing. 

ANGEL 1: Oh, this is not how we practiced it! Trent! I don’t want to be on Earth! It's icky. 

ANGEL 2: [running over] Ah! My fellow Angels! There you are. I’ve decided I do not like this place, everyone is screaming and - [to Hornblas] Oh! You do not look good. Do you need a mint?

HORNBLAS: [pained groaning]

TRENT: We should get out of here before someone notices- 

[[SFX: Clanging in the distance, BELZAGOR kicks over a glass display case which shatters on the ground]]

BELZAGOR: Hornblas?? HORNBLAS WHERE ARE YOU? I’M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU STUPID IDIOT!

HORNBLAS: [weakly] Belzagor?

BELZAGOR: THERE YOU ARE.

TRENT: Oh feathers.

BELZAGOR: [still from far off] WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?

TRENT: We gotta go, NOW. Come on Hornblas. Lean on us.

[[SFX: Grunting as the ANGELS lift HORNBLAS to lean on their shoulders]]

HORNBLAS: Belz...

DEMON 1: Aren’t you the angels who were on stage just a minute ago? And wait?? Isn’t that what’s-his-name? The summoning guy?

DEMON 2: Yeah, it’s totally him! Cornblast! He tried to take us all to heaven! This is all his fault! Demons, GET HIM!!       

BELZAGOR: GLADLY.

TRENT: Quick! Angels! To Hot Topic! Follow me!

[[SFX: A chase scene ensues through the mall, passing fires, glass shattering, screaming, growling, a monkey?]]   

BELZAGOR: [from behind] They’re going into the Hot Topic! After them!

[[SFX: Hurried footsteps and several “dingdong” chimes as the ANGELS, TRENT, and HORNBLAS run through the Hot Topic entrance. They stop running, panting. The chaos outside of the store can still be faintly heard in the background]]

ANGEL 1: Trent, this is just a store! 

ANGEL 2: They’ll be here any second! And that one demon with the piercings looks VERY angry-

TRENT: The door to the stockroom is a portal! Quick! Hornblas. 

[[SFX: HORNBLAS groans quietly in pain]]

TRENT: Hornblas, stay with us!

[[SFX: The door chimes as BEZALGOR, and DEMONS 1&2 enter Hot Topic]]

BELZAGOR: There they are!

TRENT: Angels, hurry! 

DEMON 1: We’ve got them now!

DEMON 2: They won’t get away!

TRENT: Through this door! 

[[SFX: TRENT opens the door to the back room of Hot Topic, which resonates with a sparkly magical sound, a gentle choral note emanates from it. Footsteps as HORNBLAS, ANGEL 1, and ANGEL 2 run through the door]]

BELZAGOR: Get back here!

TRENT: Tell Asmoraius I said... I’m sorry! [in a serene voice] Ose-Clay the Ortal-Pay. 

[[SFX: TRENT slams the door shut, the magic sounds cut off]]

BELZAGOR: You can tell him yourself when I- 

[[SFX: BELZAGOR whips open the door, but there’s just an empty room on the other side]]

BELZAGOR: Trent??? HORNBLAS?!

DEMON 2: Um. Where did they go?

DEMON 1: This is just a stockroom.

BELZAGO : DAMNIT! They got AWAY! Agh!

[[SFX: BELZAGOR kicks over a box of chain wallets which spill onto the floor]]

DEMON 2: Ooh, was that a whole box of chain wallets? 

[[SFX: DEMON 2 picks one up and jangles the chain]] 

DEMON 1: Hey! Look over here! There’s like 14 types of corsets!

DEMON 2: [with delight] Ooh! 

[[SFX: DEMONS 1&2 rifle through the merchandise boxes]]

BELZAGOR: [fuming] There was a heavenly portal. Here? In the mall? This whole TIME?! I can’t BELIEVE this!! 

DEMON 1: So clever of them to put a portal right in the doorway to the stockroom.

DEMON 2: In a Hot Topic, no less! Totally didn’t see that coming.

DEMON 1: I mean, they must have closed it mere nanoseconds before we ran through. I- I can’t believe they managed that. Oh I love these belly button rings.

BELZAGOR: I’m so DONE WITH THIS.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR begins to leave the stockroom]]

DEMON 2: Careful, it’s chaos out there.

DEMON 1: Yeah, where are you going?

BELZAGOR: To get a DRINK.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR storms out]]

DEMON 1: Oh, I have to try on those boots.

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 02 --

[[SFX: In Borderline Personality Bookstore. Much quieter than elsewhere in the mall]]

DAMIEN: [far off] Raven!

RAVEN: [stage whisper] Damien!

DAMIEN: RAVEN?!

RAVEN: [stage whisper] Damien! Keep your voice down, we’re in Borderline Personality Bookstore! You can’t yell in a bookstore! 

DAMIEN: Raven, you only have to be quiet in libraries!

RAVEN: Wait. Aren’t they the same thing?

[[SFX: DAMIEN walks across the carpeted store to RAVEN]]

DAMIEN: There you are! In the… chibi section. Of course.

RAVEN: It’s called maynga, Damien, chibi is a style of maynga!

DAMIEN: It’s pronounced manga.

MAMMON: [a demon voice with a thick French accent] Interns? Get over here, your master requires assistance!

RAVEN and DAMIEN: Coming Mammon!

[[SFX: The teens walk over to MAMMON on the other side of the store. We hear MAMMON shifting around uncomfortably]]

MAMMON: There’s someone under my ass. Get them, please.

DAMIEN: Of course Mammon!

RAVEN: Yes, my liege! 

MISROCH: [muffled, struggling] THIS. IS. GROSS.

DAMIEN: OMS it’s a demon!

MISROCH: [muffled] HELP. ME.

RAVEN: We’ll save you. We’re like total heroes right now. Okay I’ve got this arm, Damien you

get their foot.

DAMIEN: Got it.

[[SFX: The teens each grab a limb]]

RAVEN: Ready? PULL!

[[SFX: DAMIEN and RAVEN groan and pull MISROCH out from under Mammon’s Very Large Butt, there’s a popping sound and MISROCH tumbles onto the floor, coughing and gasping for air]]

RAVEN: Misroch! It’s you!

DAMIEN: Hooray!!

MISROCH: Oh- Well that was extremely unpleasant. I think I just died.

DAMIEN: Wow, Raven, we’re like. So strong and cool now that we’re demons.

MISROCH: Humble too.

DAMIEN: [gasps] I was, like, just gonna say that!!

RAVEN: Misroch? What’s with your voice? Did you get rocks in your throat?

DAMIEN: That happened to me once. In fourth grade. On a dare. 

RAVEN: Damien, that was like last year. And no one dared you.

MISROCH: Where the hell are- Woah. Yeah, this voice is different. Ha ha. I like it.

RAVEN: What were you doing underneath Mammon, our new boss who is much bigger and cooler than you ever were?

MISROCH: You tell me! One moment Hornblas was spouting cryptic angel shit on stage and the next, I’m stuck under this giant ass!

DAMIEN: You should consider yourself lucky. Mammon has a great ass.

MAMMON: Mmhm. Thank you, uh,  Daniel.

MISROCH: Suck up. 

DAMIEN: Am not. It’s just a fact. She has a fact ass.

RAVEN: Yeah, why do you think we swore fealty to her in the first place?

MISROCH: Uh- Because you’re insecure, pimply invertebrates?

DAMIEN: Wow. Low blow. Also, I’m actually on ProActiv right now.

MISROCH: [confused] What?

DAMIEN: Britney Schmears uses it

MISROCH: That… doesn’t help me. Forget it. This- this looks like the bookstore? Are we back in the mall?

RAVEN: We just sorta went like POOF and suddenly we were here? And it’s, like, super freaky and yeah. I’m like 80% scared but being super brave about it.

MISROCH: I always forget that there’s a bookstore at the mall.

DAMIEN: Bookstores are like so goth. Or wait, is it libraries that are goth?

RAVEN: Again, same thing. You take books home from them.

DAMIEN: You’re supposed to take the books back to a library, Raven!

RAVEN: No, that doesn’t sound right.

MAMMON: I find this peasant uh shit-shat unstimulating. I’ll be over in the romance novel section. Tell me when our ride back to Hell arrives.

DAMIEN AND RAVEN: Okay Mammon! 

DAMIEN: Call us if you need anything!

RAVEN: We love you! You’re like, so cool!

MAMMON: [murmuring to herself] Get unpaid interns, they said. It’ll be fun, they said.

[[SFX: MAMMON lumbers away]]

MISROCH: How do you understand a single word she’s saying?

DAMIEN: I took two years of French in middle school.

RAVEN: And I’ve read every Anne Rice vampire book. 

MISROCH: Huh. That’ll do it. Where is everyone else? 

DAMIEN: Probably like out there? In the mall? No one’s noticed we’re hiding in here yet, and we’re, like, too scared to leave!

RAVEN: Yeah. It’s coo-coo bananas out there. Check it out.

[[SFX: MISROCH walks over to the window where we can hear the chaos from on the other side of the glass, muffled and distant]]  

MISROCH: Woah. 

RAVEN: Yeah. Everyone is like losing their shit out there.

DEMON 4: [running past the window] oh no oh no OH NO OH NO!!

RAVEN: Ugh, panicking is so not goth. I’m like, completely calm.

MISROCH: Easy for you to say. It’s safe in here. 

RAVEN: Being summoned felt crazy though. My arm hairs are like… wiggly.

MISROCH: This could have been so much worse. It looks like we only made it halfway up. We are very lucky we’re not in heaven right now.

DAMIEN: [gasps] Wait. WAIT! I’ve got it! Maybe heaven was in the mall the whole time!

MISROCH: Did the summoning leave your brain back in Hell? ‘Cause that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. 

DAMIEN: [bigger gasp] HOW WOULD WE KNOW? 

MISROCH: [speechless for once] I… you... You know what? I’m going to the kitchen.

RAVEN: You’re going to cook something right now?

MISROCH: No- no. I’m just concerned that your deep and incessant idiocy might be contagious. Ok, ok. I’ll go to Weiner World, a place I can understand and control, before that chaotic mob out there gets into my pantry stock! Then I’ll find my friends, and we will figure out what exactly is going on here. Are you two coming with me? 

RAVEN: What? No way! It looks scary out there!

DAMIEN: And you’re like, not our boss anymore!

MISROCH: I was never your boss. You only worked for me for one day!

DAMIEN: Yeah, and now we know all your secrets.

MISROCH: Fine, fine. Whatever. I’m going myself. You can hide in here with your new… big booty… butt boss... Butt.

DAMIEN: Wow. Good one. 

RAVEN: Will you come back for us though?

DAMIEN: Yeah, come back for us! And like. Tell us what’s happening? Like in general and also why your voice suddenly changed with no explanation?

MISROCH: Oh yes, yes fine! If I don’t get squashed by another elitist French ass on the way, then yes. I’ll come back for you and explain everything. 

RAVEN AND DAMIEN: Yaaay!!

RAVEN: Bye Misroch!

DAMIEN: We love you!

MISROCH: [walking away] Stop that no you don’t!

[[SFX: The door chimes as MISROCH leaves the bookstore. DAMIEN picks up a book of the shelf and rifles through the pages]]

DAMIEN: Ooh! Look, they have the newest Sailor Rune Edition 69! The one about the cousins. 

RAVEN: Damien, they’re not cousins… they’re lesbians.

DAMIEN: Not everyone is a lesbian, Raven.

RAVEN: You don’t know that.

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 03 --

[[SFX: Back in the food court amidst the chaos, the crowd yelling. The Carousel can be heard in the background of the fray, a vehicle zooms by and crashes]]

ASMORAIUS: Trent? Trent! It’s you- Oh! Oh my. You’re not Trent. Go- get away. My deepest apologies for looking at you with emotion in my eyes, eugh. TRENT? TRENT?! My love, where are you? 

XAPHAN: [far off] Asmoraius!

ASMORAIUS: My Darling! My Angel! Perfect, where are you?

XAPHAN: [suddenly very close] Hi. 

ASMORAIUS: AGH! Xaphan!

XAPHAN: Asmoraius! You are frightened. 

[[SFX: XAPHAN abruptly scoops ASMORAIUS into a tight hug]]

ASMORAIUS: Oh! Ooh- A hug! Oh, hugs are nice. 

XAPHAN: [grunt as she squeezes harder]

ASMORAIUS: [too squeezed] Blugh! Xaphan! Xaphan, too tight! Too tight! Your arms!

XAPHAN: [gasps] Oh!

[[SFX: XAPHAN plops ASMORAIUS back on the ground]]

XAPHAN: Oh- uh. Is that- is that not how hugs work?

ASMORAIUS: Well, it’s not a technique I recommend for you, but we can come back to that.

XAPHAN: Oh. Yes, I’d like that.

ASMORAIUS: Xaphan, where are the others? Where is Trent?

XAPHAN: I do not know. I was with you. In Hell. Drinking a cocktail which was gross. And one of the tails kept going up my nose. And then Hornblas was saying words I didn’t understand, and then suddenly I was jammed in the carousel with fifty other demons. I had to crawl to escape.

ASMORAIUS: Wait, the carousel is full?

XAPHAN: Yes. Look at it, over there.

[[SFX: Laughter and whooping as demons revel on the carousel in the distance]] 

ASMORAIUS: [in awe] My word. I’ve never seen the carousel full before. This is marvelous!

TRAINEE: Marvelous? How is, like, any of this marvelous?

XAPHAN: Trainee! 

DEMON 4: [running towards them] this is bad this is bad THIS IS BAD THIS IS BA-

TRAINEE: Ugh, for the last time, my name is-

[[SFX: DEMON 4 collides with TRAINEE]]

DEMON 4: Oh, sorry, just making the rounds. Pardon me, [running away] Oh- this is bad this is bad THIS IS BAD-  

[[SFX: DEMON 4 runs off]]

ASMORAIUS: What’s that guy’s problem?

TRAINEE: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe we were, like, just hanging out at a party in Hell, which was definitely not the first party I’ve ever been to, but then we were threatened by some dude with a mic who said he was going to like, cleanse us? Which sounds like… I don’t know... spooky Catholic church stuff? I’m Jewish. Then we all were like, shoved into a really tight spiritual tube with blinding lights and shot through the hell-o-sphere or whatever, and now every demon ever is crammed into the Mall for some reason? And everyone is like running around and some of them are on fire, causing mass chaos, madness, confusion, destruction, and no one knows what’s going on?

XAPHAN: Hm. Well, It sounds like you know what’s going on. 

ASMORAIUS: Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. 

TRAINEE: Did you guys like know Hornblas was with the angels? Also, okay wait, back up. Are angels like a thing?

ASMORAIUS: Um. I’d rather not say.

TRAINEE: I’m a demon now! You can like tell me.

ASMORAIUS: Oh that’s right, I forgot! You just look so normal. 

TRAINEE: Yeah. I’m in humanskin.

XAPHAN: We’re all in humanskin.

ASMORAIUS: Oh. Huh. Look at that.

TRAINEE: Was that Hornblas? Is he like an angel now?

ASMORAIUS: Of course not!

TRAINEE: Then why was he hanging out with all those like preps with the wings?

XAPHAN: And your boyfriend? [giggles] Also with wings.

ASMORAIUS: [panicked] T-Trent i-is NOT my- my boyfriend… Probably. 

TRAINEE: Dude. He’s like definitely your boyfriend. 

ASMORAIUS: Okay yes he’s maybe sort of - my definitely boyfriend.

TRAINEE: Uh huh. So if Hornblas is not an angel, then why was he saying all that scary stuff about going up to heaven?

ASMORAIUS: How should I know?

TRAINEE: He’s like your friend.

ASMORAIUS: Well yes-

XAPHAN: I am also your friend. 

ASMORAIUS: Yes, Xaphan, but I - 

TRAINEE: Ugh, I can’t believe he summoned us back out of Hell! It took me so long to get down there.

ASMORAIUS: Oh, Hell isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Wouldn’t you rather be here? It’s your home!

TRAINEE: Again, I’m like a demon now so- 

XAPHAN: YES! HOME! Oh, the mall! The food court! The chairs and tables! [gasps] The gum on the floor! The stench of capitalism and floor cleaners! [sighs] I feel so much better now that I’m… [hiccups] Wait... [hiccups again]

[[SFX: XAPHAN barfs onto the floor]]

TRAINEE: OH GROSS!

ASMORAIUS: Xaphan!

XAPHAN: It was the cocktail.

TRAINEE: Okay, like are you done?

XAPHAN: Yes. 

TRAINEE: Then we need a-

[[SFX: XAPHAN barfs on the floor again]]

ASMORAIUS: Xaphan!!

XAPHAN: Oh- I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

TRAINEE: Okay, now are you done?

XAPHAN: Yes. 

TRAINEE: Good. Like I was saying. We need a plan.

XAPHAN: I’ve got one!

TRAINEE: Okay, but does your plan involve barfing again?

XAPHAN: [quietly] Y-yeah maybe.

TRAINEE: I say we gather up everyone we know. Mall Rat, Damien and Raven, your boyfriend-

ASMORAIUS: Ooh it just sounds so strange! Boooyyyfriiiieeend.

TRAINEE: Yeah, but that’s because you’re saying it weird. And then we find somewhere safe to hide until the chaos dies down.

ASMORAIUS: Oh, I sort of like the chaos.  

DEMON 3: LET’S SET THE CAROUSEL ON FIRE!!

[[SFX: Demons cheer in the distance]]

ASMORAIUS: I take it back, I dislike this very much.

XAPHAN: Belzagor! She was right by the stage when it happened.

[[SFX: A deep rumbling sound shakes the whole mall]]

ASMORAIUS: What was that?

 XAPHAN: Oh! Oh! I know this! An earthquake! Noun: A shaking or trembling of the Earth that is volcanic or tectonic in origin, an upheaval.

TRAINEE: I knew you were the one who stole my Earth Sciences textbook out of my backpack!

XAPHAN: I CRAVE KNOWLEDGE.

TRAINEE: I’m a demon now, I can fight you!

XAPHAN: Okay, I respect you, but I will win.

[[SFX: A loud and sudden crash erupts from the food court, followed by the crowd cheering]]

ASMORAIUS: Oh MY!

XAPHAN: Oh yes! Down with Sausage Depot!

TRAINEE: Holy crap did Sausage Depot just like, collapse in on itself?

ASMORAIUS: Well, Misroch will be thrilled. Oh! That gives me an idea. I know the perfect place to hide!

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 04 --

[[SFX: In the closet in the back of Weiner World, XAPHAN kicks a door open]]

XAPHAN: KNOCK KNOCK! Oh, I’ve missed doing that.

MISROCH: Hey! You can’t just come barging into my office like- 

ASMORAIUS: Is someone in there? Misroch, someone’s hiding in your office!

MISROCH: It’s me you idiot. And I’m not hiding- I’m…   who said anything about hiding? I was just checking my desk. For uh- things? 

ASMORAIUS: Well, we’ve come to hide too.

TRAINEE: And me!

ASMORAIUS: So scooch over a little. 

[[SFX: TRAINEE, ASMORAIUS, and XAPHAN squish into the closet sized room, as MISROCH protests. It is awkward and clumsy. Things crash and fall. It lasts too long. They finally settle into their spots]]

XAPHAN: [perched on something high up, sighs] There we go!

MISROCH: [extremely annoyed] Is everyone… settled in?

ASMORAIUS: Yes, I’m quite comfortable.

XAPHAN: Yes.

TRAINEE: I’ve felt worse. 

MISROCH: Wonderful.

ASMORAIUS: So. Um. Your voice sounds…metamorphosized. 

MISROCH: Yes. I know.

XAPHAN: I think it’s nice. I, too, am changed. My left eye will not open.

ASMORAIUS: Oh Xaphan, you’ve got quite the shiner.

XAPHAN: Yep! I was stepped on.

TRAINEE: Me too! I almost got like trampled. Twice!

MISROCH: Ugh. Getting here from the bookstore was like wading through a pit of wolves with meat pants on.

XAPHAN: [extremely excited] There were WOLVES?

MISROCH: No. 

XAPHAN: Oh. I am disappointed.

TRAINEE: I am relieved.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR rips the door open]]

BELZAGOR: [a deep guttural growl] I’M ANGRY!

MISROCH, ASMORAIUS, XAPHAN, TRAINEE: [with glee] Belzagor!

MISROCH: You’re okay!

BELZAGOR: I’m PISSED. Let me in.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR forces her way into the room, the clattering and clanking ensues again as all of these demons try to squish into a closet] 

NISROCH: Belz, no there’s not enough room-

BELZAGOR: YES THERE IS.

[[SFX: They finally settle]]

MISROCH: Okay, now is everyone settled?

ASMORAIUS: Yep!

TRAINEE: I’m good. 

BELZAGOR: Yep.

XAPHAN: I’m still up here.

MISROCH: Okay. Well. Now that we’re all here. I guess I should explain. I’ve… I’ve been lying to you all. 

BELZAGOR: DON’T DO THIS TO —! Ugh, I need a drink.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR reaches into a drawer and pulls out a flask, unscrews the flask and takes a few glug]]

BELZAGOR: [suddenly calm] Okay. Now you can say it. Whatever it is.

MISROCH: Uh- Okay. So. All these years, well the truth is…

TRAINEE: You have two souls and like now you sound different because the first one died?

ASMORAIUS: WHAT??

MISROCH: How did you know that?

TRAINEE: Oh, like I figured it was obvious.

XAPHAN: You can have TWO souls?

BELZAGOR: How. What? Misroch!

NISROCH: Actually, it’s Nisroch now. With an N. Uh - Misroch’s gone. 

XAPHAN: You can have two NAMES?!

ASMORAIUS: Xaphan, darling, most people actually have at least two names.

TRAINEE: Phonetically, Misroch and Nisroch sound, like, so similar that anybody listening would hardly be able to tell the difference, you know?

NISROCH: …Yes. But it’s Nisroch now. And this is my last soul, so nobody get any ideas.

BELZAGOR: [realizing] Oh. Is that why you always said we could call you Misnis for short?

ASMORAIUS: You know, I always thought that was weird because Misnis has the same number of syllables as Misroch. It’s not actually shorter.

NISROCH: Yes. 

BELZAGOR: Okay then. Wow. Um. Nice new voice I guess.

NISROCH: Thank you.

ASMORAIUS: I like it. 

NISROCH: Thanks.

XAPHAN: It’s very good.

NISROCH: Yeah… 

[[SFX: A moment of silence as none of them know what to say]]

TRAINEE: So like. What now? 

BELZAGOR: Oh right, I should tell you. I saw Hornblas. He was willingly going back to heaven… with the angels... through a portal... in the back of Hot Topic. 

[[SFX: NISROCH, TRAINEE, XAPHAN, and ASMORAIUS all gasp]]

NISROCH: He WHAT?!

TRAINEE: There are PORTALS? To Heaven?

XAPHAN: In Hot Topic?!

ASMORAIUS: Was Trent with them?

BELZAGOR: Oh yeah, your boyfriend was the one leading him there.

ASMORAIUS: Okay, first of all he’s only my maybe sort of definitely boyfriend. 

NISROCH: Ah! Did Hornblas speak to you?

BELZAGOR: No! He just ran from me. Like a coward. He looked all beat up, and his voice was like… shredded.

ASMORAIUS: Do you think the angels hurt him?

TRAINEE: Angels are allowed to like HURT people? 

NISROCH: Oh, we’re not people, Trainee. To them, we’re the enemy.

ASMORAIUS: I mean, historically speaking, demons are the enemy to most therefore-

BELZAGOR: I don’t know what the hell happened, guys. He looked normal on stage. I mean, he was wearing that stupid robe thing and saying a bunch of bullshit, but at least he was unharmed, y’know? When I saw him just now though? He looked really rough. Like the summoning did something to him.

ASMORAIUS: But summoning is literally his thing.

BELZAGOR: It was… off. 

TRAINEE: Well, it’s probably because he tried to summon everyone over two borders. 

ASMORAIUS: Huh.

NISROCH: You know, that actually makes a lot of sense.

XAPHAN: No, I do not follow.

TRAINEE: Like think about it. When you guys made me, Damien, and Raven try to summon Hornblas that one time—

NISROCH: Okay, first of all we didn’t make you—

ASMORAIUS: No, we did kind of make them. It was very funny.

TRAINEE: -we all got really effed up because like, Hornblas wasn’t on this mortal plane or whatever. It was like really really hard to reach over the border. So like, yeah. Hornblas’s whole deal is summoning demons into and out of Hell no problem, but this would be like way harder. Because he wasn’t just trying to summon everyone out of hell. He was trying to summon us all the way up to heaven. That’s like two whole borders to cross. Which makes it like, doubly hard. 

XAPHAN: [gasp] Like a double-stuffed oreo! And instead of landing in the top cookie, we landed in the stuff!

TRAINEE: Exactly. And he was summoning everyone which is also like, probably a lot. Like, it’s not just double hard then, it's like… exponentially hard. Like, Summoning squared.

NISROCH: Didn’t you just become a demon like yesterday?

ASMORAIUS: Also was that just math you were doing? Right in front of me?

TRAINEE: Okay, so I’m like really freaking smart. I don’t know why you guys haven’t caught on to that yet. I got like a 1750 on the SATs.

BELZAGOR: That means Hornblas has probably been in Heaven this whole time. So when you guys tried to summon him out in the parking lot that day, you actually saw the border to Heaven, not the border to Hell.

TRAINEE: I do remember it being like, super bright. But I also passed out and hit my head on the asphalt after that so, eh.

XAPHAN: I remember that part. 

ASMORAIUS: That does explain a lot. I think she’s right!

NISROCH: If that’s the answer then… Hornblas just summoned everyone up to Earth, dropped them here, and then left? Which means all the demons of Hell are just… stuck here? In the mall??

XAPHAN: For how long?

BELZAGOR: Well there would be no one back in Hell to operate the bus. Or the gates. Or the… anything.

ASMORAIUS: So they’re here… indefinitely?

XAPHAN: Oh. That is overwhelming.

NISROCH: What do we do, what do we do, what do we do??

BELZAGOR: Drink.

 [[SFX: BELZAGOR opens her flask and takes a few swigs]]

ASMORAIUS: Well, I for one am not going back out there!

XAPHAN: We can all just stay in here! Together! Forever!

BELZAGOR: With Nisroch’s butt in my ear? No thank you.

NISROCH: Ah, excuse you. My butt was here first.

ASMORAIUS: Demons love chaos. Once they’re on a roll, there will be no stopping them! They’re gonna tear the mall apart piece by piece!

XAPHAN: No no no no no- But I love the mall!

BELZAGOR: Well, someone has to do something. Nisroch?

NISROCH: Don’t look at me! No one ever listens to me! Asmoraius?

ASMORAIUS: Oh no, I’m just here to be pretty-

TRAINEE: Ugh, you guys are all being such a bunch of babies. I’ll do it. Geez! Move over!

[[SFX: TRAINEE pushes through all of them to get to the door of the closet/office, it is… ungraceful]]

TRAINEE: If I could just- get to-  the door- 

[[SFX: TRAINEE turns the door handle, the door bursts open and BELZAGOR, TRAINEE, ASMORAIUS, MISROCH, and XAPHAN burst out fall onto the floor of the kitchen]]

ASMORAIUS: Oh, wow I did not realize how little air there was in here until just now. 

TRAINEE: Okay. It’s demon form time.

[[SFX: TRAINEE quickly transforms into her demonskin]]

TRAINEE: There we go. Nisroch, where’s your megaphone?

NISROCH: Uh- Over by the knife block?

TRAINEE: Good. Okay. So. I’m like going out there, and I’m getting this situation under control. You can come if you want, but I’m going with or without you.

[[SFX: TRAINEE picks up the megaphone, switches it on, and walks through the swinging kitchen door]]

TRAINEE: [through the megaphone] ALRIGHT DEMONS. LISTEN UP!-

[[SFX: TRAINEE exits the kitchen]]

BELZAGOR: Wow. That was like, extremely cool. Yo, trainee, wait up! 

[[SFX: BELZAGOR follows TRAINEE out]]

XAPHAN: I want to watch too! Belzagor, wait for me!  

[[SFX: XAPHAN joins them]]

ASMORAIUS: Nisroch, why do you have a megaphone in the kitchen?

NISROCH: [scoffs] Every good kitchen needs a megaphone, duh.

ASMORAIUS: That tracks. Shall we go see what she has to say?

NISROCH: This better be good.

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 05 --

[[SFX: A voicemail machine beeps]]

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have ONE new message. Received JANUARY 1st 2000 at 9:22am.

TRAINEE: [through a phone] Hey mom! It’s me. I just like, wanted to give you a quick call and let you know that the New Years Eve party at Raven’s house was like… such a blast! Nothing weird happened! We were totally there the whole time! Um… But like, more great news. I... got a promotion! At work! At the mall! I’m like actually there right now because. Um. Y’know I really just wanted to get like a head start, and I have a… a lot to do. A lot. Anyways, I think this is a really good opportunity for me to, like, work on my leadership skills, like we talked about, so I can… get into like Kale University or CornHell or wherever. Just like you wanted! So um. I’ll be here like a lot. Things are… Um, they’re under control now. So. Don’t um worry about me, at all, I’ll see you when I see you. I like… Love you. Okay, bye.

[[SFX: hangs up]]

[[MUSIC: Outro - Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song plays over credits]

-- CREDITS --

KRISTEN DIMERCURIO: Demons and Mortals alike, thank you for listening to Brimstone Valley Mall. This show was written and directed by Kristen DiMercurio, hey! That’s me. It was co-written by Mark Wolf Roberts and Talia Rochmann. This episode was sound designed by Mischa Stanton, and recorded by Phil DiMercurio and Evan Chambers. Featuring performances by: Regina Russell as Trainee, Bex-Taylor Klaus as Nisroch, Susannah Wilson as Belzagor and Mammon, Isa Braun as Xaphan, Mark Wolf Roberts as Asmoraius, B. Dave Walters as Hornblas, Chris Trindade as Trent, and Damien, and Jordan Cobb as Raven

Additional voices by: Michelle Agresti, Mayana Berrin, Blu Del Barrio, Lyn Rafil, Joshua Rubino, and Felix Trench

Our theme music is written and performed by FM Buller. Our show art is designed by Talia Rochmann. Brimstone Valley Mall is produced by Kristen DiMercurio. Associate producers: Lyn Rafil, Mischa Stanton, and Bex Taylor-Klaus

For news, fanart and more, you can follow us on twitter at bvmpod, and facebook, instagram, and tumblr at brimstonevalleymall.

Also a huge thank you to our indiegogo supporters. We’re looking at you: 

AmeBot2038, Antigone Brickman, Ari Rochmann, Axel Kennedy, Barbara Klaus, Bethany Gorka, Cameron Lochrie, Carol Wolf, Caroline Claudino, Cassandra Shay, Curtis Dibrell JR., Dani Sakaida, De.annaell, Eleanor Hyde, Elizabeth Baquet, Etrigan, Gigi Watson, Halen Dean, Hallie Casey, Harold Porter Melcher, Hedge, James Woods, Jean DiMercurio, Jeff Chaney, JJ Ellis, Julian Ceipek, Katie Touart, Kinsey Wilson and Margaret Low, Marina Cerame, Meghan Utz, Melissa Hernandez, Nathaniel Gibson, Olivia Juniper, R. Scott Creighton

RamRot, Randy Lovings, Rebecca Gates, Rees Schofield, Rhiannon Cooper, Samuel Schwimmer, Sara Shanahan, Savvy Cornett, Stephanie Tully, Taj Chawla, Temmy Silver, Travis Reaves, Victor Casados, Vijay Srivastava, Vincent Z, and Wacky-D

And don’t worry, there’s more. We also wanna thank: A Lindeman, Abigail LeBlanc, Alex Koppel, Alexandria Croxford, Algiet, Ali Fink, Alix Apples, Allison Brown, Alexandria Armstrong, Alžběta Jechová, Amanda Rae, Ancel, Andreas Teubler, Anissa Danny Clark, Ann Ley

Aoife FitzPatrick, Ariane Belzil, Austin Conley, Austin Lugar, Avalon Warner-Gonzales, Bence Stumpf, Benjamin Kooiman-Cox, Bette Wildes, Bex Taylor Klaus, Blu del Barrio, Bob Raymonda, and Bowie Laurae.

Now head on over to the food court, because today’s Weiner World Special Is: Earlobe Takoyaki