[[Spooky organ MUSIC fades in]]

KRISTEN DIMERCURIO: Hey guys! Kristen here again. This is the very last part of season one of Brimstone Valley Mall, so I’m sure that in just over 25 minutes you’re going to be ITCHING for more good podcasts to listen to! So to combat this existential horror, let’s use… some existential horror! Welcome to Saint Paxton is an actual play Cthulhu podcast about a group of friends (who play d&d together, of course) who slowly start to drift apart until one of them… mysteriously disappears. Its listeners have called it “True theatre of the mind.” So if you’re down for some slow burn lovecraftian horror and mystery, then this is the show for you. Originally Called Cthulhu and friends. You can find them at CAFpodcast.com, or wherever you get your podcasts! Now buckle up, because here is the final installment of Brimstone Valley Mall Season one: 

[[MUSIC fades out]]

-- SCENE 01 --                

[[SFX: We’re in an enormous underground cavern, Hells inner sanctum, that’s been outfitted with a stage, bars, some standing tables, and other party shit. The party hasn’t started yet so the only demons there are the crew setting up. A MISCELLANEOUS DEMON, sounding like a cheerful event planner, addresses everyone over a microphone.]

MISCELLANEOUS DEMON: [clapping her hands] Okay, okay,demons! It’s almost showtime. The legions of the damned will be summoned in 15 minutes! Again that’s 15 minutes, so let’s look alive. And hey, hey Philomania, can you take a few of the flayed bodies from the east cavern over to the northern side? They’d look nicer if they were more evenly dispersed. Oh, and Parkericus, can you double check that there are plain buttered noodles at every food station? Thank you. Things are gonna get a little wild when everyone gets summoned so let’s make sure we are prepared! Has anyone seen Carpasinus? Carpasinus...

[[SFX: We hear the sound of an amp being plugged in. ASMORAIUS plays a sick riff on the electric guitar, it echoes throughout the cavern. MALL RAT is on stage warming up.]]

ASMORAIUS: Excuse me? Sound-man? Could you turn up my monitor? I can’t seem to hear myself play. Which is extremely important, as I am the most important member of this band.

MISROCH: Has anyone seen my drum key? The change in altitude has really done a number on my drumset.

[[SFX: MISROCH bangs against the drum a couple of times. The sound in ASMORAIUS’s amp is turned up, he plays something again]

ASMORAIUS: Ah! Much better. Thank you! Belzagor. Sound check. You’re up.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR lethargically plays a funeral dirge on the bass]

MISROCH: Belz, what the fuck is that?

BELZAGOR: [gothicly] Our funeral music. Since we’re about to die.

ASMORAIUS: Oh, Belzagor, stop it. Hornblas will show. He has to.

BELZAGOR: Yeah? In the next 15 minutes?

MISROCH: We’ve got everything all ready to go. The set list is taped up by his microphone, so when he shows up with 2 seconds to go, like he always does, like he will do, he can just walk on, start singing, and we’re all good to go!

BELZAGOR: [depressed] He’s not coming. 

[[SFX: BELZAGOR sips something]]

ASMORAIUS: [sass] No one will come with that attitude. Trust me.

MISROCH: I can’t believe you’re drinking right now. We’re about to play the biggest gig of our lives.

BELZAGOR: In the past 18 hours I've taken the train to all 9 circles. Searched every venue, practice space, musician-filled dive bar. He's not here.

ASMORAIUS: Has anyone seen Xaphan?

BELZAGOR: She’s long gone if she knows what’s good for her.

MISROCH: Belzagor. We all know that Xaphan doesn’t know what’s good for her.

ASMORAIUS: I think she went to the hell-bathroom.

BELZAGOR: [pouty] Have you ever thought about how weird it is that we call them Hell- bathrooms? Like. They’re not that different from normal bathrooms.

ASMORAIUS: How drunk are you?

BELZAGOR: Not drunk enough.

MISROCH: Will you just do your soundcheck?

BELZAGOR: Fine. Not that it matters.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR starts playing, they all continue tuning]

MISCELLANEOUS DEMON: Hello! Oh aren’t you all the cutest little band. “Small Rats”, right?

BELZAGOR: It’s “Mall Rat.”

MISCELLANEOUS DEMON: [ignoring them] Adorable. Well, a quick reminder that you’ve got 10 minutes till places!

MISROCH: Warm up jam?

[[SFX: MSIROCH starts playing the drums]

ASMORAIUS: I'm in!

[[SFX: add the guitar, Belzagor jumps in with a sloppy funeral dirge underneath, music fades out]

-- SCENE 02 --

[[SFX: outside the hell bathroom, XAPHAN is knocking on the door, TRAINEE & TEENS are in the bathroom talking through the door, extremely muffled and kind of distorted]

XAPHAN: Knock knock!!

TRAINEE: Just a minute!

XAPHAN: I don’t have a minute! I have to hell-pee before my band goes on! I'm not in the band though.

RAVEN: Well deal with it.

XAPHAN: How many of you are in there??

DAMIEN: It’s like none of your friggin beeswax!

TRAINEE: Yeah, it’s not like our problem there’s only one bathroom.

RAVEN: Yeah, really bad planning. There’s supposed to be like a lot of demons here tonight, and having only one bathroom for all of them is so not goth.

XAPHAN: What are you even doing in there??

TRAINEE: We’re touching up our makeup! Now stop being a creep and go away!

XAPHAN: YOU’RE NOT EVEN USING THE HELL-BATHROOM FOR HELL-BATHROOM REASONS? THIS IS CRUEL LET ME IN! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

TRAINEE: NO! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

XAPHAN: I am XAPHAN. Stoker of the Bellows of the Flames of Hell and I- 

[[SFX: the door opens]]

TRAINEE: Xaphan?

XAPHAN: TRAINEE??? You... You’re...

DAMIEN: We look pretty great, right?

[[SFX: The TEENS emerge, in full DEMON VOICE]]

XAPHAN: Other two teens whose names I never remember??

DAMIEN: It’s Damien, 

RAVEN: And I’m Raven. You know we always remember your names.

TRAINEE: And for the record, my name is-

XAPHAN: What HAPPENED to you? You’re… you’re- 

RAVEN/DAMIEN/TRAINEE: Demons?   

XAPHAN: Yeah.

RAVEN: We know.           

DAMIEN: Pretty b’dass, huh?                   

XAPHAN: How did this happen??

TRAINEE: It’s kind of a long story-

MAMMON: [demon voice in a french accent from across the room, barley heard] IDIOTS. WHERE ARE YOU?

RAVEN/DAMIEN/TRAINEE: Coming, MAMMON!

MAMMON: One of you needs to order me bottle service before this party gets started. You hear me?

DAMIEN: I’ll do it!

RAVEN: No I’ll do it!

DAMIEN: No me!

RAVEN: Not if I get there first!!

[[SFX: DAMIEN and RAVEN run toward the bathroom door]]

DAMIEN: Raven get back here that’s not fair!!

RAVEN: Shotgun!!

DAMIEN: That doesn't make any sense!!   

[[SFX: They exit the bathroom]]

XAPHAN: What is going on?? How did this happen to you?

TRAINEE: [stoked] I thought it would be obvious. We sold our souls to Mammon, one of the seven Princes of Hell. Then he turned us into real, live, demons!! Isn’t it cool? Look at my horns!!

XAPHAN: How did you even get down here?

TRAINEE: Um. The darkness was calling to us, so we answered the call.

XAPHAN: DO NOT LIE.

[[SFX: XAPHAN picks up TRAINEE with her huge jacked arms]

TRAINEE: AHH!! HEY! LET ME GO! How are you SO strong??

XAPHAN: I will squeeze you until you pop.

TRAINEE: [shrieking] Okay okay okay! FINE! We stacked on top of each other in a trench coat so we only had to buy one bus ticket!

XAPHAN: How did three teens in a trench coat buy a ticket??

TRAINEE: We like, used Hornblas’s name and number, it wasn’t a big deal. Will you like, let me down now??

XAPHAN: Augh! No. [[SFX: puts TRAINEE under her arm]] This changes everything. You will come with me. You will explain this to the others.

TRAINEE: What? No! This is kidnapping! You can’t kidnap a demon!

XAPHAN: Watch me.

TRAINEE: No! Stop it! Mammon is gonna be SO MAD when he hears about this!!

[[SFX: TRAINEE struggles as XAPHAN carries her out of the bathroom. A guitar lick fades in]]

-- SCENE 03 --   

[[SFX: back on the stage, the band is fiddling with their instruments. ASMORAIUS speaks through the reverb filled stage microphone, playing a quitar lick]]

ASMORAIUS: I was thinking, what if we changed the solo after the part that goes [[SFX: guitar riff] to something a little more like this? [[SFX: basically the same exact riff]]

BELZAGOR: [cold] Sure. It doesn’t matter.

MISROCH: Belzagor, you have got to snap out of it. You’re being depressing.

BELZAGOR: And you’re being delusional.           

XAPHAN: Friends!

TRAINEE: Let me GO!

MISROCH: Xaphan, what the fuck are you- Holy shit... Is that my.. TRAINEE???

XAPHAN: Mhmm.

TRAINEE: Um.. hi.

ASMORAIUS: [gleefully] Ooo, your horns! Your little hooves!!

TRAINEE:  Yes, I get it, I look great, will you tell your lackey to let me down!

XAPHAN: The other teens are here too. They’re also demons.

MISROCH: How the hell did you even get DOWN here?

ASMORAIUS: The other teens are here? Where?? What’s going on??

BELZAGOR: Great! You’re just in time to watch us get dragged off to a life of torture and loneliness.

XAPHAN: Trainee, tell them what you told me.

TRAINEE: Okay, but let me down first!

MISROCH: You can let her down.

[[SFX: XAPHAN drops the trainee on to the floor in a clattering of hooves]

MISROCH: Make it quick, Hornblas will be here any minute.

TRAINEE: Okay fine! So Damien and Raven and I followed you guys to Port Authority because like, we wanted to come to Hell too, but Misroch said we couldn’t because they’re like, really controlling, and hate fun-

ASMORAIUS: That is true.

MISROCH: Can it.

TRAINEE: So yeah, we drove up. (aside) Also, Damien’s like a really bad driver, and I threw up in the car. Anyways, so we didn’t really have like, a plan? We were going to just like, hide in the trunk of the bus or something. But then when we got to Port Association or whatever it was, and saw Belzagor buying the bus tickets, and we were like “oh, we should do that”. But then she just like left and let this weird guy do it, which was perfect for us, so we paid him like $10 to give us a bunch of the coins. Then he asked if we wanted to buy a watch, and we were like “no”. And then he asked if we wanted to buy your like sector papers or whatever, for another $10 but we said “no!” because we only brought $10, but also Raven has a really good memory, so she just like looked at Hornblas’s ID number really quick and memorized it like, really fast. Then we waited ‘till you guys left and we bought a ticket on the next bus pretending to be him! And then it was like super easy after that. We just like, stacked up in a trench coat, covered ourselves in red paint, and got on the bus as ONE DEMON. [cocky] Because we’re like, really sneaky and really smart. [continuing story]  Then when we got to Hell, we just like, walked up to the first cool looking demon we saw and asked if we could swear fealty to him in exchange for giving up our mortal forms and becoming demons ourselves!?? And he was like [french accent] “yeah, but you’ll be in my debt for all eternity” and we were like “YAS! PARTYYYY!!” and then we signed a contract and now we’re all DEMONS! Which is like, the most goth you can possibly be. I’m like, really proud of us.                   

MISROCH: Who did you swear fealty to?

TRAINEE: Mammon. 

MISROCH/ ASMORAIUS / BELZAGOR: MAMMON?

ASMORAIUS: (CONT'D) She’s a big fuckin deal!

TRAINEE: I know! She’s like, a really important demon. Super powerful. but like, she says he won’t pay us or anything cause he’s the prince of greed or whatever.

BELZAGOR: You said you used Hornblas’s name when you bought your ticket.

TRAINEE: Um. Yeah.

BELZAGOR: So he didn’t get on the bus. He’s not here.

MISROCH: Oh shit.

BELZAGOR: He’s not even in Hell. He’s... Fuck! Who knows where he is? He’s not coming. This is it. I was right! Oh, we’re done for! [[SFX: glugs]

ASMORAIUS: This is... This is not good.

[[SFX: some feedback on a stage microphone as the MISCELLANEOUS DEMON addresses everyone]]

MISCELLANEOUS DEMON: Alright, everyone, we’re right on schedule, demons should all be summoned here in t-minus 30 seconds! Mall Rat, you guys ready to rock? Hornblas is ready?

BELZAGOR: Umm..               

MISROCH: Yes! He’s backstage!

BELZAGOR: What? Misroch!

ASMORAIUS: What are you doing?

MISROCH: I don’t know, just get ready to play!

[[SFX: MISROCH grab their instruments]]

BELZAGOR: And who exactly is going to be singing? You?

MISROCH: No!

XAPHAN: Me?

MISROCH: No! Hornblas!

ASMORAIUS: He’s still not here! Xaphan. Go, stand up there.

XAPHAN: Am I in the band??

ASMORAIUS/BELZAGOR: Yes! // MISROCH: No!

MISROCH: (CONT'D) Fine! It doesn’t matter! We’re all gonna die!

MISCELLANEOUS DEMON: Summoning in 5!

BELZAGOR: It’s been nice knowing you guys.

MISCELLANEOUS DEMON: 4!

ASMORAIUS: AW, I’m too pretty to die!!

MISCELLANEOUS DEMON:    3!

MISROCH: At least we’re going out together.

MISCELLANEOUS DEMON: 2!

XAPHAN: I’M IN THE BAND!!!!

MISCELLANEOUS DEMON: 1!

[[SFX: her voice echoes into the sanctum. A long moment of silence.]

MISCELLANEOUS DEMON: (CONT'D) Um... That’s... That’s not- Where is Hornblas? Why isn’t he summoning the demons?

[[SFX: A trumpet plays the beginning of a regal fanfare, resounding through the entire cavern.]]

BELZAGOR: He’s here!!

[[SFX: in one moment, thousands of demons appear in the cavern in a rumble of screams, It’s suddenly flooded with the sound of a crowd, cheering and screaming and roaring like a concert]]

BELZAGOR: He’s here somewhere!! He summoned everyone so he has to be here! We have to find him!

MISROCH: Wait! What are you-

[[SFX: MISCELLANEOUS DEMON grabs the microphone]

MISCELLANEOUS DEMON: Are you demons ready to fucking PARTY??? 

[[SFX: wild cheering]

MISCELLANEOUS DEMON: (CONT'D) Are you ready to usher in a new era of suffering? 

[[SFX: wild cheering louder]

MISCELLANEOUS DEMON: (CONT'D) Then get ready because tonight! I, Lucifer, your King of Hell, will lead you, my wretched minions, to plunge humanity back into the dark ages! And once again, shadow will rule the surface world!               

[[SFX: wild cheering, the crowd starts to chant “Sa-tan! Sa- tan! Sa-tan!”]

MISROCH: Her??? SHE IS SATAN?? She’s SO SMALL!

ASMORAIUS: We’re so CLOSE to her!!

BELZAGOR: I see him! I see Hornblas!!

ASMORAIUS: Where??

SATAN: Aaand here to get the party started, we have Mall Rat! 

[[SFX: no one cheers, except one guy faintly saying “cool”]]

SATAN: (CONT'D) Then later, The Reckoning!!

[[SFX: LOTS OF CHEERING]

BELZAGOR: Oh no! No where’s he going? I lost him! He was just standing there! Looking straight at us!

SATAN: So without further ado. Let’s rock.

[[SFX: lots of cheering]

MISROCH: What do we do what do we do what do we do???

ASMORAIUS: Xaphan? What are you doing??

[[SFX: XAPHAN takes the mic]

XAPHAN: You heard him demons, I’m Xaphan, Hornblas’s Replacement, and we are aaaaallllll in the Band, Mall Rat. [whistling] Let’s DO THIS.

ASMORAIUS: Welp, change in plan. 

MISROCH: WHATEVER WE’RE ALIVE LET’S PLAY! 

BELZAGOR: Here goes nothing! 

[[SFX: The BRIMSTONE VALLEY MALL THEME heard at the beginning of every episode kicks in, with XAPHAN now screaming vocals over it. It’s screamo, and it sounds fucking rad. The music eventually fades out]]

-- SCENE 04 --

[after they finish playing]

SATAN: Give it up one more time for Mall Rat! [[SFX: applause]] This is your reminder to grab yourself a drink at the bar, check out our photobooth over in the East Cavern, and eat a human’s heart out over at our heart eating stage in the back! Our headliners, The Reckoning will be out in a bit to play the countdown to midnight, and the beginning of complete and utter darkness on Earth!! To keep the party going while we change over the stage, here’s DJ Human Ventriloquist!!

[[SFX: Crowd cheering]

DJ VENTRILOQUIST: Hey everybody how’re you doing? Just one moment while I open up my box of live human puppets.

[[SFX: box opens]

HUMAN PUPPETS: [screaming]

[[SFX: drops the lid]

DJ VENTRILOQUIST: Whew! Sounds like they are ready to party! 

[[SFX: crowd laughter]

DJ VENTRILOQUIST: (CONT'D) Alright, folks. Let's pump up the jams and get things started! 

[[SFX: a heavy 90s tribal house beat kicks in]]

-- SCENE 05 --

[[SFX: door closes to the backstage green room. It’s much more muffled, full of cushy furniture. The party is heard thumping in the background.]]

ASMORAIUS: That. Was. AMAZING.

MISROCH: That was SO AWESOME

XAPHAN: I am in the band!!!

MISROCH: Xaphan you fucking KILLED it up there. Why didn’t you tell us you could sing?

XAPHAN: I can’t. So I just screamed instead.

ASMORAIUS: Whatever it was, it rocked!

MISROCH: Belzagor. Where are you going?

BELZAGOR: I’m going out there to look for Hornblas.

MISROCH: Seriously? Fuck that guy. We clearly don’t need him.

BELZAGOR: Why would he come here to summon everyone and then not perform with us?

MISROCH: Because he thinks he’s better than us now! Isn’t it obvious? He’s abandoned us Belz. We don’t need him.

BELZAGOR: I’m going to find him. I think he might be in trouble.

MISROCH: We just avoided an eternity of torture on account of Hornblas, and the first thing you want to do now that we’re in the clear is go off looking for him again?

[[SFX: the door to the stage opens, SATAN walks in. She is delightfully bubbly, with a demonic filter over her voice]]

SATAN: Oh there you are Mall Rat! Great show! Great show.

ASMORAIUS: Satan!

XAPHAN: All hail the mighty king of the underworld!

MISROCH: Our dark lord!!

SATAN: Oh, there’s really no need for all that. No, no bowing necessary, no- oh you can stop that. [[SFX: XAPHAN breathes rapidly]] No,Stop shaking. Stop. [[SFX: XAPHAN stops]] Thank you... Anyways, thank you for kicking off the celebration, you had some really... interesting lyrics.

XAPHAN: I have a limited vocabulary, and didn’t know any of the songs.

SATAN: Ah. Well, that explains it. Now I am a little disappointed to see Hornblas wasn’t with you up there. I love that guy.

MISROCH: He... had a sore throat.

XAPHAN: I AM HORNBLAS’S REPLACEMENT!

SATAN: Well, this wasn’t exactly what was laid out in the contract... [reasoning] But as long as everyone was summoned I suppose it doesn’t matter much, does it? It’s a party! And eternal torture is such nasty business. Let’s call it even. [[SFX: SATAN hands over tickets]] Here, why don’t you kids take a couple of drink tickets on me, go grab yourself some libations and enjoy the festivities! Happy Y-2-K!

[[SFX: SATAN slowly struts out of the room]]

[a beat]

ASMORAIUS: [touched] Satan just said we sounded great.

XAPHAN: She said my gibberish was... uhhuhu, interesting!

MISROCH: She’s so... nice? Does anyone else find that weird? She’s just like, very kind.

ASMORAIUS: Kind enough to give us some drink tickets! Drink tickets from the Devil!! Let’s go greet our adoring fans!!

MISROCH: I want to go find Carpasinus and rub it in his face. Come on! Here’s your drink ticket, Xaphan.

[[SFX: MISROCH and ASMORAIUS run out the door, bongos are heard from the other room as they exit]]

XAPHAN: Belzagor? ... You’re not coming.

BELZAGOR: ... I’m gonna go look for Hornblas. I know it’s stupid-

XAPHAN: [reassuring] It’s not stupid. You have to go look for him. I understand that. [imitating Asmoraius] We’ll be at the bar drinking cocktails! They’re not weiners, but they do make me vomit, so... That’s where I’ll be.

BELZAGOR: Solid. I’ll come find you after I find him.

XAPHAN: I hope you do.

[[SFX: XAPHAN opens the door to the dance floor, leaves, and the door shuts behind her]

-- SCENE 06 --

[[SFX: various party sounds, the muffled thud is heard a little louder than before, with more conversations around. ASMORAIUS waits for the hell-bathroom]]

ASMORAIUS: Excuse me, fellow demon. Is this the line for the hell-bathroom?

FELLOW DEMON: [avoidant] Yeah.

ASMORAIUS: Oh, excellent... You smell very nice, by the way.

FELLOW DEMON: Thanks. It’s a... Perfume.

ASMORAIUS: [charming] It’s extremely sensual. Reminds me of... Well. I like it.

FELLOW DEMON: Thanks.

ASMORAIUS: My friends are over at the bar grabbing my drink. Satan bought us all drinks. Satan! Can you believe it?

FELLOW DEMON: Hm.

ASMORAIUS: [shameless] You might have heard us? Playing on stage? I’m in the band.

FELLOW DEMON: Um. Nope. Don’t think so.

ASMORAIUS: What? Surely you must recognize me. I was the extremely sexy guitarist ripping sick solos over on stage right. Certainly you remember.

FELLOW DEMON: Huh, I don’t think I do. Must have missed it.

ASMORAIUS: Well, I think that’s very unlikely. Here, just turn around and take a look at my face and surely-

FELLOW DEMON: No! Thank you!

ASMORAIUS: [egging him on] Yes! Validate me!

FELLOW DEMON:I just want to face this way!

ASMORAIUS: Oh, so you and your DollarShop horns are too good for- ... wait a minute.

FELLOW DEMON: Y-You know what? You can go ahead of me. I’m just going to leave-

ASMORAIUS: These look entirely fake!

FELLOW DEMON: Hey! Let go of my horn! It’s-

[[SFX: the sound of a suction cup popping off, revealing the FELLOW DEMON’s true identity]

ASMORAIUS: [gasps] I knew it!

FELLOW DEMON: Shhhhh! Shh-Sh-Sh-sh....

ASMORAIUS: [whispering] Trent!! What are you-

TRENT: Keep your voice down!!

ASMORAIUS: What are you doing down here! Hell is no place for a human!

TRENT: You can’t tell anyone!!

ASMORAIUS: What is it with humans and sneaking down to Hell recently? [desparate] Darling, we need to get you out of here, this disguise is not fooling anyone. [flattering] Except for the black wings. These are very nicely done. Where did you get these?

TRENT: Don’t touch them!

ASMORAIUS: Oh but they’re so soft darling, and-...

TRENT: Wait!

ASMORAIUS: Oh, the black comes right off. Is this... black eyeshadow? All over your... Trent, these wings are white underneath...

TRENT: [gravely] Asmoraius. Asmoraius look at me.

ASMORAIUS: These are real wings. They’re… they’re warm to the touch. I can feel the pulse...

TRENT: You can’t tell anyone.

ASMORAIUS: Oh... oh no...

TRENT: Asmoraius...

ASMORAIUS: This explains everything. Your beautiful face, your 18 abs. How your sex drive is like no mortal I’ve ever encountered- [a dramatic gasp] I.. I can’t believe we did that. How did we do that? How did we-

TRENT: Make love without destroying each other?

ASMORAIUS: Oh gross, don’t call it “making love” that’s so vulgar!

TRENT: But it was. Asmoraius I think I... We can’t talk now. Asmoarius, you need to get out of this party.

ASMORAIUS: [dismissive] What? No! I love parties!

TRENT: Please. I care about you. You need to leave. Something... something is going to happen and you can’t be here when it does.

ASMORAIUS: Did you know I was a demon? This whole time??

TRENT: No! I didn't! I only realized it after Xaphan-

ASMORAIUS: You asked me out so you could question me! So you could SPY on me! This is all extremely melodramatic, Trent! I was but a toy to you!

TRENT:  ASMORAIUS, I THINK I MIGHT LOVE YOU.

[a pause]

ASMORAIUS: That is not what I expected you to say.

TRENT: I don't care that you're a demon! I don't. I can't stop thinking about you all the time, and when I'm with you, my wings get all fluttery, and- and how was I supposed to know you were friends with Hornblas-?

ASMORAIUS: You know Hornblas??

TRENT: I’ve... I can’t say any more. It’s almost midnight. You have to get out of here. There’s a plan! There’s... y-you’ve got to go.

ASMORAIUS: Something very bad is going to happen, isn’t it?

TRENT: No. Something very good is going to happen.

ASMORAIUS: ...There are more of you here, aren’t there?

TRENT: [urgently] Get out of here. While you can. I’ll find you when it’s all over. Go! Now! Run!

ASMORAIUS: [with flourish] Goodbye!

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS starts running. Stops, turns around]]           

ASMORAIUS: (CONT'D) Wait. Trent!

TRENT: Yes?

ASMORAIUS: I have a lot of feelings about you too but I won’t say what you said because it involves a lot of emotional vulnerability that I’m not sure I posses!

TRENT: ASMORAIUS! GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE.

ASMORAIUS: OKAY BYE.

[[SFX: They run in the opposite direction]]

-- SCENE 07 --               

[[SFX: The commotion of the bar area fades in, MISROCH and XAPHAN are in a conversation with new fans of theirs]]

MISROCH: So then I said “Of course she should be in the band! She’s incredible!” I always knew she should have been our lead singer.

XAPHAN: This is not what you said at all.

MISROCH: Anyways, you can be sure this isn’t the last you’re going to hear from Mall Rat.

ASMORAIUS: [breathing heavily] Misroch. Xaphan. We need to go.

XAPHAN: [obediently] Okay!

MISROCH: What? Why? The party’s just getting started! It’s almost midnight!

ASMORAIUS: I just. Saw. Trent.

MISROCH: What?

ASMORAIUS: Trent! You know: Sexy Hot Topic Boy! Tall, 18 Abs, beautiful nose-

MISROCH: [cutting him off] I know who he is! How is he here?

ASMORAIUS: I don’t know. But... [whispers] He’s an angel.

MISROCH: [screaming] HE’S AN ANGEL?!!

ASMORAIUS: Keep your voice down!

XAPHAN: But he works at Hot Topic!!!!

ASMORAIUS: [intestly] Something “Good” is going to happen, The Angels are here. We have to go!!

XAPHAN: Belzagor.

ASMORAIUS: Right, we have to find Belzagor.

MISROCH: You’re serious about this?

ASMORAIUS: [sneering] When have I ever suggested we leave a party?

MISROCH: Satan’s horn. You’re right. Holy shit this is real.

ASMORAIUS: Come on. We have to get to her before-

[[SFX: TRAINEE in her demon form cuts them off]]

TRAINEE: [to bartender] Hi, can I get six shots of Holy Water on my mom- Mammon’s tab-? Oh, hey guyyysss! Your show was SO amazing, you rocked soooo hard.

MISROCH: Trainee, come on we have to go.

TRAINEE: You’re not my boss anymore.

ASMORAIUS: We’re saving. Your life. I think.               

TRAINEE:  I’m immortal now-

MISROCH: Come with us or be left behind!

TRAINEE: You're not my boss anymore!!!

XAPHAN: I see her! Belzagor is up by the front of the stage! In the crowd!

[[SFX: the MUSIC rages on as SATAN taps the stage microphone]]

SATAN: Allllright folks! Give it up for DJ Human Ventriloquist! Huh! Wasn’t that great?

[[SFX: crowd cheering]]

MISROCH: COME ON!

SATAN: It’s time! For our main event! Playing our countdown to the new Millenium, please welcome: The Reckoning!!

[[SFX: Crazy cheering. We hear HORBLAS coming from the stage!]]

HORNBLAS: Greetings brethren. The dawning of a new era awaits! [[SFX: he pauses, his words silently echo in the cavern]] I once walked among you. A member of the fallen. A creature of the dark. But now the time has come for a shift in the paradigm. No more will there be stalemate between Heaven and Hell. My Fellow bringers of the light, shed the black dust from your wings, and begin the countdown, for the glory of Heaven!

[[SFX: The Angels in the audience brush their bodies and flutter their wings, with surrounding gasps and nervous chatter]]

HORNBLAS: Tonight, demons.

ANGELS CHANTING, INCLUDING TRENT: TEN!

HORNBLAS:  I shall summon you from this cave.

ANGELS CHANTING: NINE!

HORNBLAS: Into the land of the light.

ANGELS CHANTING: EIGHT!

HORNBLAS: We shall rise through the Earth’s surface.

ANGELS CHANTING: SEVEN

HORNBLAS: And up into heaven!

ANGELS CHANTING: SIX!

HORNBLAS: Where you shall be healed!

ANGELS CHANTING: FIVE!

HORNBLAS: And good shall be restored!

ANGELS CHANTING: FOUR!           

HORNBLAS: The battle is over!

ANGELS CHANTING: THREE!

HORNBLAS: The world is won!

ANGELS CHANTING: TWO!

HORNBLAS: Prepare yourselves!

BELZAGOR: [from the audience] HORNBLAS, NO!

HORNBLAS: FOR THE RECKONING!!!

[[SFX: There is a terrible, drawn out wave of energy as the demons are all simultaneously summoned from the cave. Then, silence, the mic drops and hangs from the stand, knocking against it with pulses of feedback]]       

[[MUSIC: Musical Outro - Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song plays over credits]]

-- CREDITS -- 

KRISTEN DIMERCURIO: Demons and Mortals alike, we hope you have enjoyed listening to season one of Brimstone Valley Mall.

This show was written and directed by Kristen DiMercurio. Hey! That’s me!

It was co-written by Mark Wolf Roberts and Talia Rochmann.

This episode was sound designed by Jeffrey Gardner, and recorded by Jared Paul and James Schoen. 

In this episode you heard:

Misroch, played by Elliot Gindi
Belzagor, played by Susannah Wilson
Asmoraius, played by Mark Wolf Roberts
Xaphan, played by Isa Braun
Hornblas, played by Sheldon Brown
Trainee, played by Regina Russel
Raven, played by Jordan Cobb
Trent and Damien, played by Christopher Trindade,
And Satan herself, played by Caitlyn Jones
Additional voices and club beats by Dan Powell, and screaming by Audrey. You can find her on instagram and twitter @audstronaut.

Our theme music is written and performed by FM Buller.

Our show art is designed by Talia Rochmann.

Brimstone Valley Mall is produced by Kristen DiMercurio, with Production Consulting by Julia Schifini.

It’s Executive Produced by Mischa Stanton for the Whisperforge.

And that’s it for season one! But despite what Hornblas says the party does not stop here. If you want more show content, meaning merch announcements, fanart, info about season 2 (yes, of course there’s going to be a second season, we’re not cruel), you can follow us on twitter @bvmpod, and facebook, instagram, and tumblr at brimstonevalleymall. 

Now head on over to Weiner World, because today’s special is: Plain Butter Noodles, Satan’s favorite! 

[[MUSIC ends on a guitar riff]]

KRISTEN DIMERCURIO: And… and that’s it! That’s the season! Holy shit we did it we’re done! [laughs] I’m gonna take a nap.