A PRODUCT OF THE WHISPERFORGE, SOUND AND STORY BROUGHT TO LIFE

[[SFX: Whirr of an old Answering Machine. BEEP]]

HORNBLAS: Hey, this is Hornblas, lead singer of Mall Rat. Misroch, Asmoraias, Belzagor and I aren’t home, so leave us a message.

[[MUSIC: A Rockin’ 90’s bass line begins underneath Hornblas’ message.]]

HORNBLAS: None of us are demons by the way. Definitely not from Hell. Okay. Cool. You know what to do.

[[MUSIC: Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song. Rock guitar and drums join the bass.]]

-- SCENE 01 --

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have ONE new message. Received SUNDAY DECEMBER 26th, 1999 at 2:45 pm.

BELZAGOR: [drunk] Hornblaaaaaa- [hiccup] -aaassssuhhh, How come you’re being so much the worst, huh? Guess what I found out today? Guess... WHAT!? My designs were stolen... I did- [hiccup] -n’t lose them, someone took them and made MY invention, and now it’s everywhere! In toystores, and no one knows that I did it. I am responsible for the furby existing and it doesn’t matter because no one fucking knooooows! And you don’t even knooow about the furbaby- furby. Because you stole you away from me too, And now I’m SCREWED! And mad! And -[hiccup] 

[[SFX: sing coin ding]]

And I keep earning these stupid sincoins for no reason! But s’okay. I’m just gonna drink because we can’t fix anything, and because I miss you, and you’re not home! But sometimes I call the house phone just to hear you say the message. Isn’t that stupid? Aren’t you STUPID? And gone? Stop it. I’m gonna go get a slushie.               

[[SFX: Hangs up. Guitar fades in]]

-- SCENE 02 --

ANNOUNCER VOICE: Attention Shoppers! It’s a new day here at Brimstone Valley Mall! Christmas is over, but don’t be sad! That means it’s time to return all those gifts you didn’t like, and buy what you do want, for yourself! That’s right, Duller Image is going to be a hub of activity today! So run, run, run, over there to secure your return. Just a quick note from the staff here at the Mall, that Toys- R-We is not accepting returns for the Furby, so please, stop asking. And, stop bringing them onto the premises! They’re very unsettling! Thank you again for shopping at Brimstone Valley Mall!       

[[SFX: In the food court, by the counter at weiner world. The mall is hushed and quiet]]       

MISROCH: [sigh] I can’t believe I’m doing this.

ASMORAIUS: It will be fine. horrible.

MISROCH: I can’t believe I’m doing this...       

ASMORAIUS: What could possibly go wrong?

MISROCH: I can’t believe I’m doing this.           

TRAINEE: Me neither! It’s gonna be so awesome!       

MISROCH: [at same time as TRAINEE]: Horrible!

MISROCH: ...I don’t know if I can handle this.   

ASMORAIUS: Misroch, dear, it’s only one day away from the kitchen. You’ll be fine.

MISROCH: How did we think this was a good idea?

ASMORAIUS: [reasonable] Well, you can’t tempt humanity into sin from behind a fryer. This is the simplest solution

TRAINEE: Yeah! Me and Damien and Raven will hold down the fort while you go earn sincoins! It’s y’know, no big! I already feel way better than yesterday. I think the effects of the summoning ritual have totally worn off! [She quickly barfs on the floor] Haha. Oops. I’m definitely almost better though.

MISROCH: This is already a disaster.           

TRAINEE: I think I just threw up a slug!           

MISROCH: Augh... These teens are going to burn down my kitchen.

ASMORAIUS: [unconvinced] What? No. They seem perfectly... “capable”.

MISROCH: Of burning down my kitchen? Yes! Exactly!

[[SFX: Quick guitar lick. The fryer sizzles in the back kitchen]]

RAVEN: Woah, Is that a foot?! AWESOME.           

DAMIEN: GROSS! Oh my god stop! Get it out of my face!

RAVEN: [chanting] Foot face! Foot face!           

DAMIEN: Raven stop it! That’s... not goth!           

RAVEN: Yes it is!

DAMIEN: [quivering] No it’s not!       

RAVEN: You know what’s not goth? Fainting during a demon summoning.

DAMIEN: [[SFX: Damiens voice becomes dissonant and layered like the other demons]] That’s not fair! Woah. My voice? Is that my voice?

RAVEN: Woah! Your eyes are glowing red!           

DAMIEN: [normal voice] They are?

RAVEN: Aw. It stopped.

DAMIEN: Weird. That demon magic must still be working its way out of my system.

RAVEN: Do it again.

DAMIEN: I can’t. I don’t know how.           

RAVEN: Here, maybe you need some more FOOT!   

[[SFX: RAVEN lightly slaps Damiens face with the foot]]       

DAMIEN: No! Stop it!

[[SFX: Quick quitar lick, the mall food court is heard]]   

MISROCH: Trainee, go back there and tell them to stop shouting about the ingredients for the whole food court to hear! Those are trade secrets.               

TRAINEE: Okay!               

MISROCH: And tell them to 86 the relish. We’re running low on eyeballs.

TRAINEE: Sure thing!

MISROCH: Also, if they ask about getting paid for their time, tell them we technically never hired them and then go on break.

TRAINEE: Roger that!

MISROCH: Wait. Trainee... You’re being suspiciously agreeable this morning.

TRAINEE: I’m just excited that I get to work with my friends instead of, like, you for the whole day! This is gonna be SO GREAT. [[SFX: Kitchen door opens] Hey guys! Misroch said -

[[SFX: Kitchen door closes]]

MISROCH: [sighing] There won’t be a kitchen when we get back.

XAPHAN: Most likely.   

MISROCH: [shrieks] SATAN! How long have you been standing there?

XAPHAN: My presence surprises you every time and I don’t know why.

ASMORAIUS: You’re so... quiet. And still.

XAPHAN: Am I in the band now?           

MISROCH: No. Where’s Belzagor?           

XAPHAN: Belzagor was acting strange. She said she’d be here soon... 

BELZAGOR: [dazed, but excited] Did someone say my naaaaame? Speak of the devil, am I right? [[SFX: Slushie slurp]]

MISROCH: Don’t flatter yourself.       

BELZAGOR: Sup nerrrrrds. You all ready to do this shiz?

ASMORAIUS: Oh, Absolutely! I haven’t felt this motivated or focused since Caligula asked me to ride the ferry in all four ways.

XAPHAN: I will earn the MOST sincoins!               

ASMORAIUS: [tudorly] Xaphan. It’s not a competition-       

MISROCH: Everything is a competition and you’re going DOWN, XAPHO.

XAPHAN: YAAAAAAS. This is what I wanted!           

BELZAGOR: Yo. [hiccup] You guys are acting so whack right now. Like, L-7 squares am I right?

ASMORAIUS: ...was that English?

MISROCH: Oh no. She’s drunk.           

BELZAGOR: As IF!       

XAPHAN: How do you know?               

MISROCH: She always uses more human slang when she drinks.

BELZAGOR: GET BENT, DORKWAD.

XAPHAN: [sniffs, hisses] Mm, ack. Her slushie smells like poison!

BELZAGOR: [ala Bell Biv DeVoe] THAT SLUSHIE’S POOIISOON.       

XAPHAN: Someone please translate.

ASMORAIUS: Let me have some of that slushie.

[[SFX: MISROCH Slaps his hand away]]

MISROCH: No! Shoo. Belz, why the fuck did you pick today of all days to get wasted at 9 oclock in the morning?

BELZAGOR: I’m a motherfucking DEMON, I can drink whenver the FUCK I want. Whenever [hiccup] the F[hiccup]UCK I want. Like whenever the fuck I see my toy. My furry robot design which was [hiccup] stolen, right off my fucking desk at GADGETHUT. Out on the shelves in Toys-R-Fucking- [hiccup]-We selling out like [hiccup] fucking Gamepals.       

[[SFX: sincoin ding]]               

BELZAGOR: Oh look! Another fucking stupid sincoin that makes nosense, because everything is WRONG and Hornblas is GONE [starting to cry] and he LEFT me here and went down to hell WITHOUT me-

MISROCH: Okay now, Belzagor. Maybe you should sit down.

ASMORAIUS: I haven’t seen her this bad in a while.

BELZAGOR: Stop it [hiccup]. Don’t touch me

MISROCH: She’s not going to earn any sincoins like this.

XAPHAN: [quietly] But she just earned one...       

MISROCH: [rallying] Belzagor! We’re supposed to go out and earn our fare today! Like we all agreed on! Don’t you want to find Hornblas?           

BELZAGOR: They called it a Furby. That’s so STUPID. Like, DURR-BIE.

XAPHAN: Please explain what you are talking about.

BELZAGOR: They took my idea [hiccup] for a semi-autonomous baby robot friend with FUR, which I called a Fur Baby, and it was [hiccup] a great idea... [starts crying] It was my great idea.

MISROCH: She’s useless.

[BELZAGOR sobs and hiccups]

ASMORAIUS: We may have to leave her here with the teens.

MISROCH: What? NO.

ASMORAIUS: She can be their chaperone!       

XAPHAN: What’s a chaperone?

BELZAGOR: [immediately forgetting she was upset] I’m my own chaperon-ey, dammit!

MISROCH: No. No. No.

ASMORAIUS: She’ll just have to earn twice as many tomorrow to keep up with us. Let’s split up! And we meet back here this evening when we’re rich with sin coins!!

MISROCH: [sighs] Alright. But for the Hate of Satan if this goes wrong, like I know it will, I’m going to shove my foot so far up your asses-

ASMORAIUS: That’s the spirit!

MISROCH: Belzagor. Come on, I’m locking you in my office. Give me that slushie.

BELZAGOR: MOOCH. You can’t have it. [hiccup]               

MISROCH: [sing-songy] There’s more slushies in my office. Come on. Let’s go.

BELZAGOR: More Slushies?

[[SFX: She plows through the kitchen door, Misroch follows]]       

XAPHAN: [conniving] Psst, Asmoraius. This will be bad, correct?

ASMORAIUS: [resigned] Oh yes, Xaphan. Very, very bad... [with sudden energy] Well then. I’ll go left and you go right? We can all meet back at the carousel?

XAPHAN: [snickering] You’re on.       

ASMORAIUS: Let the sinning begin! [to himself] And I know exactly, where I’ll start...               

 -- SCENE 03 --               

[[SFX: Guitar lick fades in and out. We’re inside Hot Topic, ka-ching of a cash register, grunge music plays quietly in the background]]

TRENT: [extremely pleasant] That’s one corset, two band t-shirts, a pin, and a pair of very large black pants with chains on them, and your total is $77.77. Have a great rest of your day! Thanks for shopping at Hot Topic! I can take the next customer right over here at the register!

ASMORAIUS: Well hello, you delicious thing.       

TRENT: Oh my goodness! Asmoraius!

PATRON: Hey? I was next in line!

ASMORAIUS: And now you’re not. Trent! My darling, how are you?

TRENT: I’m great! Oh, It’s so good to see you! It’s been-

ASMORAIUS: One week since you looked at me?       

TRENT: Of course not, silly. We saw each other just the other night!

ASMORAIUS: Mmm, I remember. I can’t stop thinking about whispering into your ear, making you shudder with pleasure.

PATRON 7: Woah, buddy, this is a family friendly establishment.

ASMORAIUS: [flatly] This is a Hot Topic, go fuck yourself with a rake.

PATRON 7: Well I never! 

[[SFX: he walks away]]   

TRENT: [laughing] Asmoraius, that wasn’t very nice.

ASMORAIUS: You know what is very nice?

TRENT: Our deep meaningful connection with one another?

ASMORAIUS: I was going to say your ass.

TRENT: Asmo! You’re so bad!

ASMORAIUS: [seductively] You like it.

TRENT: Oh stop it, you’re making me blush. What are you doing here? Did you come here just to visit me? Asmoraius, that’s so sweet!

ASMORAIUS: [playfully] Yes! Absolutely. Juuuuust came over to say hiiii. With no ulterior motives whatsoever 

TRENT: Oh, who am I kidding? You always have ulterior motives. 

ASMORAIUS: Me? No! ...

TRENT: [earnestly] Asmo, of course you do. It’s one of the reasons I like you. [giggling] So what’s on your mind, sweetheart?

ASMORAIUS: Oh, well. I was thinking we could play a little game.

TRENT: Oh? what sort of game?

ASMORAIUS: Something a little naughty.       

TRENT: At work?

ASMORAIUS: [on the fly] We’re going to look at customers around the store, and name one thing about them that we’re... jealous of.                           

TRENT: What?

ASMORAIUS: Let’s start with her over there. Those fishnets make her legs look incredible. Don’t you wish they were yours? Don’t you “covet” those incredible fishnets?

TRENT: Nope! They look great on her, but I’m pretty happy with my clothes. Especially today, I always wear three polos on Mondays. It’s a great way to start the week.

ASMORAIUS: What about them over there? Those teens gazing into each other’s eyes? Aren’t you jealous of that? Of their puppy love? Of their youth and exuberance?

TRENT: [extremely earnest] Aw, Asmoraius. I don’t want what they have. I have you.

ASMORAIUS: [aside] Hmmmm. This is going to be harder than I thought. Okay. New tactic.... This!

[[SFX: he picks up a box off the rack next to the counter]]

ASMORAIUS: (CONT'D) This will do. “Smithsonian’s Witchcraft Kit for Beginners”. You know what? Why don’t we give this a try right here in the store!

TRENT: I haven’t paid for that! I can’t just open it.           

ASMORAIUS: Thennn I’ll buy it for you. Think of it as a token of my affection.

TRENT: Oh Asmo, you are such a charmer. But you're all I need. I don’t really even like gifts, or material things.

ASMORAIUS: Of course you do. Every human likes material things. Think of it as a... belated Christmas present. [disgusted] Ugh. What are these words coming out of my mouth??

TRENT: Asmo, you really don’t have to get me a gift. Especially one... Um... Like that.

ASMORAIUS: Just ring me up!

TRENT: Asmoraius, please-

ASMORAIUS: Oh. Wait. I’ve just realized that IIIIII don’t have any money.

TRENT: Aw. Well, don’t even worry about it! Let’s just put that back.

ASMORAIUS: [quietly] Hmmmm. Think Asmo, think.

TRENT: Asmoraius. You coming to visit me at work is a present enough.

ASMORAIUS: You’re so wholesome and I don’t know why I’m not repulsed by it.

TRENT: Thanks, babe.

ASMORAIUS: Oh! I have an idea. Let’s keep things simple. Why don’t you and I sneak off into that back room and-               

TRENT: [urgently] NO!    

ASMORAIUS: What? 

TRENT: I mean.. Haha. I can’t go into the back room. It’s.. um... not my break! And my boss is back there!

ASMORAIUS: Well then we’ll just have to be quiet about it...

TRENT: Asmoraius, you know how much I want to... be around you-

ASMORAIUS: -In a sexual way?

TRENT: In any way! I like just spending time with you. You’re funny, and surprising, and... and beautiful.

ASMORAIUS: Why don’t we- wait what?

TRENT: I mean it. You’re beautiful. In a dark... sleek sort of way. You’re always dressed so well. You just walk around the mall looking like this... renaissance painting! And I! ... I know that we’re... well... different. But I've done some thinking, and I don’t care! I like how different we are. You show me a whole side of the world that I’ve never seen, and I know that it might be a lot but... I really can see this going somewhere.

ASMORAIUS: What? Going where?

TRENT: Like, a relationship. I know it’s fast but I really think -       

ASMORAIUS: [confused] This! Is not what I came I... I’m...

TRENT: Flustered?

ASMORAIUS: No! Me? Never! Asmoraius get flustered. I’m just-        

TRENT: It’s okay if you need some time. I sort of just threw a lot at you right there. But I thought you should know how I feel. For it’s in vulnerability that we find our greatest strength.

[a beat]

ANOTHER PATRON: EXCUSE me?

TRENT: Um. Yes?

ANOTHER PATRON: I think while you two were making goo goo eyes at each other, you forgot about all of us? You know. Your CUSTOMERS?

TRENT: Oh. Oh my! I’m so sorry! Everyone thank you for waiting in line! I’ll take the next customer right here at the register! Trent I-

ASMORAIUS: Trent I-

TRENT: You don’t have to say anything, Asmoraius.

TRENT: (CONT'D) ... I understand if that was a little bit too much for you. Just... think about it?

ASMORAIUS: I... I will. I should go.           

TRENT: See ya around. I hope.               

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS leaves, TRENT sighs. Guitar lick fades in and back out]]       

-- SCENE 04 --           

[[SFX: The announcer's voice echoes in the food court]]

ANNOUNCER VOICE: Attention Brimstone Valley Mall Shoppers! Are your kids tired and cranky because you're dragging them around the mall for hours? Then stop on by the Dismal Store. There's plenty of Miserable Mouse merchandise based on your favorite Dismal Movies! Let's hope they don't become a monopoly and take over the entire entertainment industry! Ahaha! Thanks again for shopping at Brimstone Valley Mall.           

[[SFX: MISROCH, walking through the main promenade of the mall]]       

MISROCH: Alriight. You still got this, Misroch. Let’s just find a little inspiration in our ‘Beelzebub’s Quick Guide to Sinning: Pocket Edition.’               

[[SFX: MISROCH slides the book out from their apron]]   

MISROCH: [reading and whispering to themself] Hmmm. Easy sin suggestions: Working on a Sunday, minor sin.... ugh, they discontinued that in the Industrial Age. Getting a spiteful tattoo after a divorce... hm. Put a pin in that. Overthrowing the government for personal gain... Sounds doable in a day, but also so much harder to define under democracy. Why do I even still have this book? 

[[SFX: Fans through the pages then shuts the book]]

MISROCH: Half of these sins went out with the Reformation! 

[[SFX: Conversations in the mall get a little louder]]

MISROCH: Hm... The Arcade! Okay. We can work with that.... Let’s just improv it.You’ve got this Misroch. Hey you! Young mortal! How would you like to become wealthy beyond your wildest daydreams?               

TEEN 1: Dude, my parents just got me a Jag. I’m good.

MISROCH: You’re useless to me. BEGONE, JALOPNIK! UGH... Satan’s Left Nose, who am I kidding. I can’t even begin to care about making humans sin. Xaphan probably has like fifty sin coins by now! Okay. There has to be something in this good for nothing book.

[[SFX: page flipping]]

MISROCH: Entry-level greed. Petty larceny. Oh. Involuntary cannibalism. I probably should stick to what I know, it hasn’t earned me many sincoins back at the counter, but... Maybe if I could bring the weiners to the people... Let’s see what I have on hand...   

[[SFX: MISROCH rummages through their pockets]]

Ah, perfect. Leftover human toe hush puppies. I’m sure these teens came to the arcade hungry, and they won’t be able to tell these were in my pockets for four days...

[[SFX: Ray guns zapping from an arcade cabinet]]

TEEN 2: Oh shit I’m about to level up!

TEEN 3: You can’t level up in Moral Combat, numbnuts, your divinity meter is just full.

MISROCH: Hey, uh, teens? Going through puberty? Need some quick, greasy energy?

[[SFX: The teens stop playing and stare blankly]]       

TEEN 2: Uh, we’re not supposed to talk to strangers?           

MISROCH: I’m not a stranger! I’m just your friendly neighborhood hot dog vendor! Do you not like the taste of totally normal animal byproducts in a rounded cylinder shoved down your face?   

TEEN 3: I already ate.           

TEEN 2: [with attitude] And you’re freaking me out.           

TEEN 3: Come on, let’s go play Teenage Mutant Frogger Taxi.   

[[SFX, they walk away]]       

MISROCH: No! Wait! Come back!- Maybe Asmoraius was right... I’ve lost my touch. I’m not DOWN with the teens. This is... No, I’m cool, I’ve gotta be! Hey you, kid!   

JEREMY: [very young] Umm Hi...               

MISROCH: [yelling] Do you think I’m cool? Do you think hot dogs are trendy?

JEREMY: My dad says hot dogs are made from pigeons.               

MISROCH: Well lemme tell ya a big secret kid... these things right here? Way tastier than pigeons.   

JEREMY: Are they.. Am-i-nals? (sic)       

MISROCH: Barely.   

DAD: [stuffy] Jeremy, stay away from that person. Hot dogs are animal meat, and you know we’re vegetarian! Pardon me, but that’s utterly disgusting. Put your weiners away.   

JEREMY: Dad, they smell great!               

MISROCH: The kid knows what’s good. Here, you try one first. They’re.... mixed... soy... dogs.   

DAD: If you say two more words to us, I’ll spray you.

MISROCH: Spray me with what?           

DAD: Bear spray. And that’s four words.   

[[SFX: DAD spritzes MISROCH with bear spray, JEREMY giggles]]   

MISROCH: Aghh! Fuck! STUPID LITTLE- ack!! I gotta get out of here.

[[SFX: Misroch stumbles out of the arcade]]   

MISROCH: (CONT'D) This was a miserable miserable idea, my eyes BURN, and—   

[[SFX: SECURITY saddles up to Misroch]]

SECURITY: [dopey, like Kronk from Emperor's New Groove]  Excuse me, uh sir, ma’am, which one are you?

MISROCH: Gender is a silly human construct and it is beneath me. What are you anyway, a mall cop?

SECURITY: “Officer of Security” is the preferred term.

MISROCH: Right, okay. Well some asshole just sprayed my face with bear spray and I-

SECURITY: That “asshole” just reported that you were trying to sell food to children without a vendor’s permit, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

MISROCH: How did he get to you so fast? Nevermind. And I’m not selling these, I’m just giving them away to the impressionable teens.               

SECURITY: [unsettled] Food samples are only allowed in the food court-

MISROCH: [trying to placate him] Buddy! Guy! Stupid, silly mortal! Let’s relax here for a second.

SECURITY: Are you under the influence today?       

MISROCH: I just got sprayed with bear spray, if that’s what you mean. What is bear spray?

SECURITY: Can you tell me why you were harassing that child and his father?

MISROCH: Harassing is a strong term. I prefer “perfecting aggressive sales tactics”.

SECURITY: Oh yeah buddy, it’s definitely time for you to go.

MISROCH: Okay, that’s fine, okay. I’ll go. But first, take a whiff of these dogs. I’d hate to have all these hot, delicious, tiny wieners go to waste. I’m sure you’d like one. On the house?

SECURITY: I just had some bratwurst at    Sausage Depot but—

MISROCH: SCREW SAUSAGE DEPOT- I mean, well, don’t you want to compare the two and objectively decide for yourself which coveted hot dog stand you continue to patronize?

SECURITY: If I take a hush puppy, will you leave? 

MISROCH: YES.               

SECURITY: Fine. [[SFX: he chews]] Hey, this is actually not bad. The meat is so... light. And Fatty. Like pork, but richer.               

MISROCH: Family secret. Passed down through millions of generations. 

[[SFX: SIN COIN DING]]               

MISROCH: Ah! And that would be my cue to go! [walking away] I’ll be on my way. One down. Okay. We got this. It’s game time.

[[SFX: Guitar lick fades in and out]]

-- SCENE 05 --

[[SFX: At Chloe's Accessories. Light sparkly pop music is heard in the background]]

SILVIA: Mommy look! They’ve got the new slap bracelets! Watch me watch me!

[[SFX: the sound of a slap bracelet being slapped on]]

MOM: That’s nice, dear.

SILVIA: But mommy LOOK!   

[[SFX: she frantically slaps the slap bracelet on her wrist]]

MOM: Put those back, mommy’s not buying those.

SILVIA: But why?? Oooh! Look! Charm bracelets! [[SFX: she rattles all the plastic beads]] Can I get two? This one says ‘Best’, and this one says ‘Friends’!

MOM: That’s for two people, honey.

SILVIA: I’ll wear one on each arm, and then when I hold hands with myself I’ll be complete!   

MOM: [not paying attention] That’s nice dear.

SILVIA: Ooh! Ooh! What about a MOOD Ring?           

MOM: [dismissive] Oh, honey, those don’t work.

SILVIA: This says my mood is black!!               

MOM: [not listening again] Mm-hmm.

SILVIA: Woooah... they’ve got the pink fuzzy dice earrings! I waaaaaaant them. Can I have them? Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I?

MOM: No-!

SILVIA: But I wwaaaaaaaaant them!!           

MOM: Your ears aren’t pierced, Silvia. And those aren’t clip ons

XAPHAN: [from behind them, very close] You should take them.

MOM: [gasps] Oh! S-sorry, you snuck up on us

XAPHAN: You should take them.           

MOM: Excuse me?

SILVIA: Yay! She said I can take them!           

XAPHAN: Exactly.

MOM: Uh, Do you.. work here?           

XAPHAN: Um... Yes.   

MOM: Oh... You just don’t look...                       

XAPHAN: Like a Chloe’s employee?           

SILVIA: Look at my mood! It’s black! It matches your whole outfit!

XAPHAN: [playing teacher] The black means there’s darkness inside you, small one.

MOM: Sweetheart-

SILVIA: Mommy! I want the fuzzy dice chandelier earrings! Look at them! Look at them look at them!

XAPHAN: Take those as well.           

SILVIA: Ooh! What about the heavy ones with the glitter cherry charms hanging off them?

XAPHAN: The ones with the lead posts?           

SILVIA: YEAH, THOSE.

XAPHAN: [shrieking] TAKE THEM ALL, CHILD.   

MOM: Now hold on just one gosh darn minute! Silvia, honey-

XAPHAN: [through her teeth] The child wants items. Let her have items.

SILVIA: How will I carry all of this?           

XAPHAN: How about this rhinestone messenger bag that says “princess”?           

SILVIA: Meh.               

XAPHAN: It has a matching coin purse.           

[[SFX: XAPHAN zips the small purse back an forth]]

SILVIA: Sold!

[[SFX: They rummage the merchandise into the bags]]

MOM: I said wait just a minute!       

SILVIA: No!           

[[SFX: A sin coin suddenly appears with a ring]]

XAPHAN: I got one!!           

MOM: What are you talking about?           

XAPHAN: A sincoin! “Sin number 439i3:    Caused a child to disobey their mother about waiting just a minute.”

SILVIA: That’s a shiny coin. Can I have that?           

XAPHAN: No. 

SILVIA: But it’s so shiny!

XAPHAN: NO. It’s mine.

MOM: I’m not paying for all of this!           

XAPHAN: So don’t. Steal it.       

SILVIA: You’re really smart.   

XAPHAN: I’ve been reading books.

MOM: We’re not stealing anything. Honey, put those back.

XAPHAN: [urgently] No! No, don’t put them back. It’s um... [hissing] ‘Stealing Day’.

MOM: ... Come again?

XAPHAN: Yes. The day for.. taking... th-thinnnsgs.

SILVIA: I want a choker necklace! And some gel pens! Do they come in black to match my ring?

XAPHAN: That would just be a regular pen.           

MOM: I’ve never heard of national stealing day.

XAPHAN: Oh yeah. It’s a... special Chloe’s sale.

MOM: Is it a holiday?       

XAPHAN: Yes.           

MOM: So it’s a holiday sale?           

XAPHAN: ...Yes           

MOM: So how much is everything?

XAPHAN: It’s... full price. But you just take it.

SILVIA: Awwww yess!! SCRUNCHIES! Mom, find me a bigger bag.

MOM: This seems wrong.       

XAPHAN: It is.           

MOM: What?       

XAPHAN: Wrong.           

SILVIA: LISA FRANK FOLDERS, Mom I need them. This one has a kitten riding a dolphin riding a rainbow riding a panda riding a puppy riding a unicorn riding a-

MOM: Honey, put that down. We’re leaving.

SILVIA: But MooooOOOOoom!!

MOM: Come on, let’s go.

SILVIA: Ugh! This is the worst!!               

XAPHAN: Wait!                   

MOM: We’re not listening to you any more. I knew I couldn’t trust a... a... a goth!!

[[SFX: she walks out with the SILVIA]]       

XAPHAN: Rats.

[[SFX: a sin coin dings]]           

XAPHAN: (CONT'D) What the-? “Sin no. 438x02 stealing a mood ring that is black like your soul by not telling your mother it’s still on your finger when you walk out of the store. Minor sin.” 

Yes. This is only the beginning.       

[[SFX: XAPHAN laughs and snarls like a witchy hyena]]    

-- SCENE 06 --

[[SFX: The crooked demonic music plays from the carousel in the mall food court]]   

MISROCH: ASMORAIUS! You're back before me. How did you do?               

ASMORAIUS: [reflective, but still over-dramatic] I... not well, I’m afraid. Something... something unexpected happened. I didn’t know where else to turn. I came back to the carousel, the sound of it helps me think.

MISROCH: Um... Okay?

XAPHAN: Hi.

[MISROCH gasps sharply, then exhales]           

MISROCH: I’m almost getting used to you and I don’t like it.

XAPHAN: Ehehehehehe.

MISROCH: Well? How many did you get?               

XAPHAN: [[SFX: Shows handful of coins]] Many. I enjoy making people sin. Are there books on making humans sin? I’d like to read about that.

MISROCH: I have one but it doesn't sound like you need it.

XAPHAN: How many did you get?           

MISROCH: [positively] A few dozen. It wasn’t easy, but I’m getting back in the hang of it. Asmoraius. Where are yours?

ASMORAIUS: [woeful] I AM SORRY TO LET YOU DOWN! But I have not procured a single one.

MISROCH: What?               

XAPHAN: But you taught me everything I know almost literally!

MISROCH: You ditched the assignment to flirt with your preppy boy, didn’t you?

ASMORAIUS: I don’t know why I’m so confused about all this. He’s so nice and wholesome. He should make me sick! And yet... Ugh, my feelings are so tangled!

[[SFX: TRAINEE approaches, breathing heavily]

TRAINEE: Hey! There you guys are! I’ve been looking for you everywhere-

MISROCH: What are you doing here? Who is wo-manning the cash register?

TRAINEE: [panicky] We’ve got bigger fingers to fry. It’s Belzagor. You guys better come quick.   

ASMORAIUS: What happened?

TRAINEE: We’re not sure! But we can’t get her out, come on!

MISROCH: I knew this was a bad idea.           

XAPHAN: This day is SO exciting!       

[[SFX: They run into the food court]

-- SCENE 07 --

[[SFX: Guitar lick fades in and out. The gang bursts through the kitchen doors, sin coins ding into existence rapidly and drop upon piles of coins]]

MISROCH: What is going on in here? [[SFX: Sin coin]]           

ASMORAIUS: Oh Satan. Look at all of those coins...

MISROCH: What happened to my office door?           

TRAINEE: There were too many coins! It just busted open! [[SFX: sin coin]]

MISROCH: [rattling] Where’s Belzagor? Where did these coins come from? What is that extension cord doing here? [[SFX sin coin]] Where are the other teens?   

[[SFX: muffled sounds from under the coins]]

TRAINEE: [frantic] Belzagor is under the    coins! With the TV! Everything just exploded coins!! And we don’t know why! [[SFX: Two sin coins appear]] And I sent Damien and Raven to go get shovels at the Jewish Home store, Shalom Depot, and like-

ASMORAIUS: We’re rich!           

XAPHAN: So many sins!! 

[[SFX: The sin coins appear intermittently throughout the dialogue]]

MISROCH: Woah woah woah. Alright slow down. Walk me through EXACTLY what happened. Asmoraius, Xaphan, you two dig her out.

ASMORAIUS: Swim through an enormous pile of money? Well don’t mind if I do.

XAPHAN: I like digging!!

[[SFX: they start digging BELZAGOR out of the coins under the following dialogue]]   

MISROCH: Trainee. You will tell me what happened RIGHT NOW.

TRAINEE: Okay okay okay! So after you guys left, Belzagor kept banging on the door saying she was really bored. And then she threatened to stuff us into mattresses that would be delivered right to the doors of anxiety riddled freelancers, which is actually not a terrible business model for a mattress company. I think she said something about calling it Gasper? Because people would gasp? [MISROCH grabs her hand] OW!

MISROCH: You’re getting off topic. Where did the coins come from?

TRAINEE: We made a deal with her. She said if she was going to sit there all day, then she wanted to at least watch TV but you don’t have a TV in your office and she’s really scary. So she made me to get one from Gadget Hut and tell them it was for her. So I did. And I think it was stealing. And I brought it back. And we plugged it in. And then coins just started kind of appearing? It was just a few at first, but then there were more and more and then it was like a stream of them and she started laughing at the TV and then she started getting buried, but she wouldn’t move because she was just like laughing and it was really like, scary and she just got completely covered. And I think the coins are still coming because the pile keeps getting bigger!

ASMORAIUS: It’s true, more coins keep    appearing the more Xaphan digs.

XAPHAN: Yes! More digging...

ASMORAIUS: Hang on! I think I see her arm! Come help me pull.

[[SFX: They grunt as Belzagor is unearthed from the pile of coins. She laughs out of panic)

MISROCH: Belzagor! What the hell is the matter with you?

BELZAGOR: Ha-hahaha...

ASMORAIUS: Where did these come from?   

BELAZGOR: A-hehehee...   

XAPHAN: [very quietly] Aw. No more digging?

BELZAGOR: The TV! Look at the TV!

ASMORAIUS: Where is the TV?

MISROCH: Under the sin coins!

[[SFX: They grab the tiny break room TV and set it atop the coins. It pops on with the turn of a dial]]

ANNOUNCER VOICE: And we’re back, Chuck, with a revisit to our Murderous Furbies story. Are these toys turning your kids to the dark side? Reports are coming in all across the country of children so annoyed by their new furry friends that they’re driven to madness, violence, and crime. They seemed harmless on Christmas morning, but now? Well, let’s talk to some concerned parents:   

TV MOM: [a strange british accent] My little Tommy was such a good boy! But after he got a furby, he’s never been the same! He started telling me it wouldn’t let him sleep! That it kept chirping in the night! And one morning he came downstairs with a bat and destroyed my antique coo-coo clock.           

TV DAD: [a southern accent] I just don’t like the things. Never did. She unwrapped it on Christmas morning, and I said “that thing’s dark sided.” And I was right! Just plaaaaain unnatural. Later that day, I looked in my daughter’s closet and there it was, on a shelf with a shrine covered in full human fingernails. Candles, Furby. Fingernails everywhere. Damn liberals...

ANNOUNCER VOICE: We even have an exclusive interview    with one of the crazed children, themselves!           

TV KID: [unsettling laughter] The furby... it follows me... it watches. I am the FURBY IN THE NIGHT! 

[[SFX: vampiric screams. The clip quickly cuts out]]

ANNOUNCER VOICE: Wow! What a story! And now, here’s Brian with the weather.

BRIAN: It’s winter and freezing. So get ready for more of that! 

[[SFX: MISROCH turns the TV off and sighs]]

ASMORAIUS: [with glee] It’s turning children into little sinning monster machines!

XAPHAN: But I thought this was supposed to be a cute fluffy toy.

BELZAGOR: A cute fluffy toy, filled with demon tech.

XAPHAN: So all of those sins...           

BELZAGOR: Are technically my doing. There’s no glitch in the system. I just hacked the motherfuckin’ system.

ASMORAIUS: Oh shit!   

XAPHAN: Ohohoh, hacked it!!

BELZAGOR: [[SFX: slushie slurp]] What was that you said Misnis? About this being a dumb invention? 

MISROCH: How are you not finished with that slushie yet?           

TRAINEE: [from behind] She made me buy her a new one.           

BELZAGOR: Yeah, but it’s lacking in dumpster juice. Now help me up, I have a headache.   

MISROCH: Trainee, gather up these coins and    put them in one of the garbage bags from the back.

XAPHAN: You’re going to need a big bag...

TRAINEE: What for? 

MISROCH: We’re going to Hell!   

ASMORAIUS: I can't believe we actually did it!       

XAPHAN: [shrieking] We’re going back!

TRAINEE: Can I come?       

MISROCH: No.       

TRAINEE: How do you even get to hell?           

[The DEMONS start devilishly snickering, which quickly grows into fits of laughter under the dialouge]

ASMORAIUS: Oooh, Trainee. You crack me up. Even Humans know how to get to Hell.

XAPHAN: Even I know that!!

MISROCH: Whew. That was a good one.           

BELZAGOR: Stop. Stop it I can’t laugh any more today. My stomach!

TRAINEE: It’s not funny! How do you get to Hell?

BELZAGOR: [still laughing] You buy a one way    ticket.       

TRAINEE: From where?

ASMORAIUS: The armpit of America!           

MISROCH: The ultimate butthole of the entire continent!

XAPHAN: The last place on Earth anyone wants to be!

TRAINEE: And where is that?

ALL DEMONS: Port Authority Bus Terminal!

ASMORAIUS: First stop: New York City! Next stop: [[SFX: A gutteral demon-voiced bellow]] HELL.

[[SFX: Guitar lick fades in and out]]

-- SCENE 08 --

TRAINEE: Hi. You’ve reached the Rochmann family residence. My mom thought it would be cute if I was the one who recorded our voicemail greeting, but it’s definitely NOT because [over her shoulder] I’m not FIVE anymore, MOM. Anyways, leave a message after the tone.

[[SFX: beep]]

TRAINEE: Hey mom, it’s me, [line cuts out] Ugh. Sorry. The phone at Weiner World sucks. Anyways I’m gonna be having like, a sleepover with my new friends this weekend. W-We’re gonna watch the whole Flesh Prince the Au Pair series in one sitting. You know, the sitcom about the cannibalistic nanny who is secretly royalty? You’d like, remember it if you heard the theme song. But yeah, that’s what we’ll be doing, soooo, don’t try to like contact me in any way but also don’t worry everything’s totally chill, and we’re definitely not doing anything suspicious at all. Just like normal teenager stuff. Okay love you, byeee.   

[[SFX: hangs up]]

[[MUSIC: Musical Outro - Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song plays over credits]]

-- CREDITS -- 

KRISTEN DIMERCURIO: Demons and Mortals alike, thank you for listening to episode seven of Brimstone Valley Mall!

This show was written and directed by Kristen DiMercurio. Hey! That’s me!

It was co-written by Mark Wolf Roberts and Talia Rochmann.

This episode was sound designed by Jeffery Gardner, and recorded by Jared Paul and James Schoen. With special thanks to Alexander Danner, and music by Scott Holmes.

In this episode you heard:

Misroch, played by Elliot Gindi
Belzagor, played by Susannah Wilson
Asmoraius, played by Mark Wolf Roberts
Xaphan, played by Isa Braun
Trainee, played by Regina Russell 
Damien and Trent, played by Christopher Trindade
Raven, played by Jordan Cobb
Hornblas, played by Sheldon Brown
And the Mall Announcements, played by yours truly.
Additional voices were Joshua Rubino, Zach Ehrlich, Bonnie Marie-Williams, Kim Hamilton, and Jean DiMercurio - yes, I put my mom in the show playing my mom, don’t at me.

Our theme music is written and performed by FM Buller.

Our show art is designed by Talia Rochmann.

Brimstone Valley Mall is produced by Kristen DiMercurio, with Production Consulting by Julia Schifini.

It’s Executive Produced by Mischa Stanton for the Whisperforge.

We’re sure you get it by now, but the patrons who donated to our indiegogo really did make the show happen. Without them, none of this would be possible. So we’d like to give a big, bone-shattering pat on the back to: Hannah Wong, Sarah Shachat, Shane Diamond, Henna Siddiqi, Kade Hall, Victoria Pride, Alexandra Seaborn, Samantha Castronovo, Tanner Beal, Carol Wolf, Sarah Wheatley, Vilte Baliutaviciute, Daniel Fisher, Malory Nguyen, Sandy Reeder, Joseph Dellaposta, Jenna Rogalski, Judith Bradshaw, and Kayleigh Thomas.

Want more good good demon content? You can follow us on twitter @bvmpod, and facebook, instagram, and tumblr at brimstonevalleymall.

We know this episode came a bit late, and thank you for your patience, but we have good news! Episode eight of Brimstone Valley Mall will air… very soon. [giggles] I love secrets. 

Now head on over to the food court, because today’s Weiner World Special Is: The Foot Face! … The foot face? That’s not even a food! Who is writing this shit? That’s it, I wanna talk to the teens, where are they? Teens! [[SFX: leaves the recording booth and shuts the door behind her]]