A PRODUCT OF THE WHISPERFORGE, SOUND AND STORY BROUGHT TO LIFE

[[SFX: Whirr of an old Answering Machine. BEEP]]

HORNBLAS: Hey, this is Hornblas, lead singer of Mall Rat. Misroch, Asmoraias, Belzagor and I aren’t home, so leave us a message.

[[MUSIC: A Rockin’ 90’s bass line begins underneath Hornblas’ message.]]

HORNBLAS: None of us are demons by the way. Definitely not from Hell. Okay. Cool. You know what to do.

[[MUSIC: Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song. Rock guitar and drums join the bass.]]

-- SCENE 01 -- 

AUTOMATED VOICE:

You have ONE new message. Received SUNDAY, DECEMBER 26th at 2:45pm.

BELZAGOR: Misroch! It’s Belzagor. Pick up the phone. Are you still in weiner world being angry for no fucking reason? Listen, while you’re sulking or whatever, we’re retracing Hornblas’s steps. For clues. I’m back at the house. Xaphan’s at Hot Topic. And Asmo’s in Keytars and more. They’re going to call me here if they find anything suspicious. So yeah… That’s.. That’s the plan.

[a bet] Hey, are you okay? Who was in wiener world? Did you catch them?

You didn’t come back out and I didn’t wanna chase after you cause like… you were being dramatic and then Xaphan threw up everywhere and... I’m sorry if it seemed like we ganged up on you back there but you gotta stop comparing yourself to Hornblas. It’s gonna drive you crazy! You’re not him. And no one is asking you to be him. Okay? Just... be you? ...you better be okay. Call me when you get this.

[[SFX: Guitar lick fades in]

-- SCENE 02 --

[[SFX: Guitar fades out. In RAVEN’s mom’s basement. The door to the basement stairs opens. RAVEN’S mom has a long island accent]]

MOM: Courtney! I’m headed out to Janine’s Christmas Party. Are you sure you three will be okay by yourselves for tonight?

RAVEN: My name is Raven, mom! RAVEN! Like the really big crow!

MOM: Well there’s bagel bites in the freezer if you get hungry, but keep an eye on the toaster oven when you cook them okay? I don’t want you to burn the house down on Christmas.

RAVEN: Mom! We’re fine! You can GO!

MOM: Okay sweetie, love you too! Bye Mikey!

DAMIEN: Bye Mrs. G!

RAVEN: His name is DAMIEN, mom!!

MOM: You kids are so cute, have fun with your new friend and don’t stay up too late!

[[SFX: Door closes, footsteps across the first floor and then a front door closing]]

TRAINEE: Courtney?... and Mikey?

RAVEN: Shut up we don't answer to those names anymore.

TRAINEE: You literally just did.

DAMIEN: We changed them? When you’re goth enough, you get to pick a cool goth name too.

TRAINEE: My name is already cool and goth. It’s— 

[[SFX: a furby starts quietly speaking in tongues]]

TRAINEE: (CONT'D) Woah! What the hell is that?

RAVEN: It’s my new furby. My mom got it for me for Christmas but it’s definitely for babies and I hate it. It won’t shut up. Also I definitely didn't bring it down here. Hang on. I'l throw it in the closet.

[[SFX: Raven gets up, and throws the furby in a closet, it makes a “wee!” sound and she shots the door]]

DAMIEN: Raven, did you bring the candles?

RAVEN: Yeah. I took them from my mom’s bathroom.

TRAINEE: Is that a Spankee Candle?

RAVEN: Mhmm.

TRAINEE: I love those!

DAMIEN: Will that work? What if it’s not goth enough?

RAVEN: My mom is hardcore. She said that candles give you cancer, but she burns them anyways.

DAMIEN: Gnarly. Okay so you said we need Chalk, Salt, Candles, and Blood. Wait... Blood? None of us brought blood.

RAVEN: No. We have to draw blood. It’s like a sacrifice. Duh.

TRAINEE: [sniffing] What scent is this candle?

RAVEN: Brimstone. Native to the south central Pennsylvania region

TRAINEE: It smells like ass.

DAMIEN: It smells like dog farts.

RAVEN: If you lame-os keep this up, the summoning isn’t going to work! This is serious. We have to focus. The last thing we need is to pick who we’re gonna conjure. Using this... Grimoire.

[[SFX: she thuds a heavy book onto the carpet]]

TRAINEE: Wait. You bought the demon book from Splinter’s?

RAVEN: Yeah

TRAINEE: I thought that was just like a gag gift.

DAMIEN: Oh no. It’s so legit.

TRAINEE: It’s just- like okay, the sticker says it was $5.99. I feel like real magic can’t be like, that cheap.

DAMIEN: [flatly] My mom has a sign above our kitchen table that says the best things in life are free. So. It’s fine.

TRAINEE: Riiiight...

DAMIEN: Also, look at the title. It’s written in like, papyrus. Which is super legit.

RAVEN: No. It’s better: It’s Century Gothic.

DAMIEN: [vibrating] Soooooo legit. Invented by goths in like, the 1700s or whenever books happened.

TRAINEE: [trying not to judge] Okay... Sure. You guys would know.

RAVEN: Yeah. We do. We’re not posers. Worst case scenario, nothing happens, and we return the Grimoire to Splinter’s. I saved the receipt. We can trade it in for like a Sailor Rune action figure.

DAMIEN: She’s just so good with runes.

RAVEN: Best case scenario? We’ve summoned a way-cool demon that has to do our bidding.

DAMIEN: This is gonna be so cool! I’m gonna make mine do all my calculus homework.

RAVEN: I’m going to make them my hot demon lover! What about you?

TRAINEE: I dunno... I’d probably just like, hang out with them?

[silence]

DAMIEN: Lame.

RAVEN: Alright Witches. Step one, we draw circles of binding... First in chalk, then in salt. Then we fill them in with these dope ass arcane symbols. So here, Trainee, you do the chalk one, and Damien, you do the salt one. 

[[SFX: The chalk scratches, saly pours from RAVEN’s hands, to DAMIEN’s, onto the ground]]

RAVEN: Now, the last symbol has to be like the sigil of the demon we’re trying to summon. So let’s pick a demon! There’s a huge list in here.

DAMIEN: Ugh it is REALLY hard to draw with salt. Like, Who thought salt was a good art medium?

RAVEN: [casually] It says “A tip for beginners: Start by summoning a demon who already walks on this mortal plane. Pulling a demon over the border between the underworld and the surface will require more advanced magic, will cause more lasting damage to your person, and will require you to wield more power than your tiny mortal forms may be able to contain.”

DAMIEN: How are we supposed to know demons walk on this mortal plane?

TRAINEE: Whatever. Let’s just pick one and see. Here, give me the book. 

[[SFX: The grimoire opens and TRAINEE flips the pages]]

DAMIEN: But I don’t want like, lasting damage to my person? Or whatever?

RAVEN: Don’t be a baby.

TRAINEE: Hmm... There’s Pazuzu, King of the Demons of the Wind, body of a man, head of a lion...

DAMIEN: [taunting] Yeah! Let’s do that one! You’d have to make out with a lion head, Raven.

RAVEN: Gross. No. Here, gimme the book. I know who I wanna summon. 

TRAINEE: Who?

RAVEN: Spike from Buffy. He’s on Earth. Do you think he has an arcane symbol?

DAMIEN: Check the appendix [pr: APP-en-dix]

TRAINEE: Guys. Spike is a vampire, not a demon. Also, not real.

DAMIEN AND RAVEN: [offended gasp]

DAMIEN: You take that back!

TRAINEE: [annoyed] I just want to meet a real demon, you guys. What if we pick one randomly? Here.

[[SFX: she flips through most of the book, stops on a page, points]]

TRAINEE: Riiiiight There! This one! Stoker of the bellows of the flames of Hell, lower level demon.

RAVEN: What’s their name?

TRAINEE: Xaphan

DAMIEN: Sounds good to me. Maybe we should start small? The bigger ones might be harder to control.

TRAINEE: The symbol looks pretty easy to draw.

DAMIEN: How will we know if that one’s good at calculus?

RAVEN: Math is so unholy, I bet all demons can do it. OK, so [reading] “After drawing the concentric circles of profane power, you must make an offering of the flesh.”

TRAINEE: Like, in the Merchant of Venice?

DAMIEN: We get it, you got like an A in English

RAVEN: No, we have to draw blood in the center of the circle.

TRAINEE: Oh, cool. [[SFX: *schwing*]] I brought a knife.

RAVEN: Woah. Okay, calm down Freddy Krueger. We’re gonna use a needle.

TRAINEE: Lame... but, fine.

RAVEN: We’ll each take a turn pricking our fingers. You start.

DAMIEN: Why do I have to start?

RAVEN: You’re a Gemini. Geminis always start

DAMIEN: Aries! Which you are.

RAVEN: Aries is my moon. My SUN sign is—

TRAINEE: Oh my god, give that to me. I’ll start... See? That didn’t even hurt. Don’t be babies.

RAVEN: I hope this isn’t how you get polio. From like sharing needles or whatever. OWIES! That did hurt! You lied.

TRAINEE: Polio doesn’t exist anymore. Haven’t you ever seen Hocus Pocus? They prick themselves, and no one has polio in Hocus Pocus.

DAMIEN: Yeah. Or Charmed. [a horny whisper] I’m SO like the Charmed girl right now. The hot lesbian one. [screaming] Give me the needle... AGH! 

TRAINEE: Aren’t they all lesbians on Charmed?

RAVEN: No?

TRAINEE: But they don’t wear bras! Like, they have to be lesbians.

RAVEN: I’m not wearing a bra right now, it’s not like I’m a

DAMIEN: [moaning] Guys. I don’t feel so good.

TRAINEE: Woah you really pricked your finger hard.

RAVEN: Oh shit. That does not look good.

DAMIEN: I think I did it wrong.

RAVEN: Yeah! You’re supposed to prick your finger! Not like, stab it!

TRAINEE: Wait, this is perfect! It’ll definitely work now. What’s the next step?

DAMIEN: [shaky] Um, it says that now we hold hands.

RAVEN: Don’t get any blood on the couch or my mom’ll kill me.

DAMIEN: And then read the dark and unholy incantation aloud.

TRAINEE: Okay, ready?

RAVEN: I’ve never spoken demonic text before, what if we pronounce something wrong?

DAMIEN: Something horrible might happen?

TRAINEE: We’ll just read it super carefully okay? We can do this. Just take a deep breath. We'll read it on the count of three, ready? One... two... three.

TEENS: [chanting] “Who do we want? Xaphan! When do we want them? Now!”

[silence]

RAVEN: I don’t think it worked. Nothing’s happening.

DAMIEN: Guys, I really don’t feel good.

[[SFX: The low rumble and crackle of Xaphan being summoned, ending with a “poof”. XAPHAN speaks in her demon voice]]

XAPHAN: [sing-songy] KNOOOCK KNOOOCK!

TEENS: AHHH!

XAPHAN: AHHH!

TEENS: AAAHHHH!! 

XAPHAN: YOU STOP SCREAMING!!! I’M SCREAMING!!!

TEENS: AHH!!

TRAINEE: It worked!? I can’t believe it worked!

RAVEN: Oh my god oh my god oh my god...

[[SFX: DAMIEN limply falls to the ground with a thud. ]]

RAVEN: [gasps] Oh my god- Damien! Oh my god is he dead? Oh my god, Damien? Wake up!

TRAINEE: He’s dead! Holy shit! Demon, what have you done to him?

XAPHAN: I didn’t do anything!

RAVEN: [crying] You killed him!

TRAINEE: Bring him back! You have to!

XAPHAN: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING.

RAVEN: Oh my god, DAMIEN I’m so sorry! I’m SO sorry! You can’t die! I’m sorry I wouldn’t let you bleed on the couch! I’m sorry I said you’d look like a trout with a lip piercing! I’m sorry about the rumor I started in 3rd grade when I told everyone you still weren’t potty trained and then someone shit in the stairwell at recess and everyone thought it was you!

TRAINEE: What the fuck?

DAMIEN: [woozy, waking back up] Nnghh-

TRAINEE: He’s coming back to life!! You’re bringing him back to life! Magic is like, SO REAL.

DAMIEN: [groaning] Courtney...

RAVEN: It’s Raven, but oh my god stop dying!

DAMIEN: [faintly] I heard what you said.... And I think you’re a bitch.

RAVEN: [weeping] Damien, you died. You died in my arms.

TRAINEE: And then came back to life!

XAPHAN: He fainted. 

TRAINEE: Demon!  

XAPHAN: What.

TRAINEE: [scheming] You’re still here! You have to do our bidding!

XAPHAN: Wait. I know you.

TRAINEE: Me?

XAPHAN: Yeah! You work at Weiner World!

TRAINEE: How did you know that?

RAVEN: She’s omniscient. Oh my god, she’s too powerful

XAPHAN: Do you have any weiners?

TRAINEE: No..? 

XAPHAN: I’ll do your bidding if you give me weiners.

RAVEN: What?

TRAINEE: Your voice sounds so familiar.

XAPHAN: I said we know each other. Oh! Wait. Here. 

[[SFX: Flames crackle as XAPHAN calmly transforms]] 

XAPHAN: See?

RAVEN: She’s a human!

XAPHAN: It’s Humanskin.

RAVEN: Oh god, she took someone’s skin!

TRAINEE: [pissed] What the hell? You’re the creepy girl who’s been crawling around under the fryers at work!

XAPHAN: I am Xaphan. Stoker of the bellows of the flames of Hell.

TRAINEE: You’re a demon?

XAPHAN: Yes! But you’re not supposed to know that. How did I get here?

RAVEN: We like, summoned you.

XAPHAN: I was in the middle of an investigation.

TRAINEE: Oh. Sorry.

RAVEN: No, we're not! We summoned you so you have to do what we say.

XAPHAN: You summoned me? How?

RAVEN: With this book. It’s a grimoire.

XAPHAN: I do no one’s bidding, except Satan’s. [sheepishly] And my band. I'm not in the band though... I am leaving now.

[[SFX: XAPHAN grunts and exhales trying to escape, the summoning circle reacts with a low frequency wave]]

XAPHAN: (CONT'D) Ahh! I c- I can’t... I can’t move! What is...augh... knock kock?

TRAINEE: Are you stuck?

RAVEN: She’s totally stuck. See, you can’t leave until you strike a deal with us!

DAMIEN: Yeah, I just frickin died for this!

TRAINEE: I do think that maybe you just fainted from seeing blood.

XAPHAN: Fine. What must I do?

DAMIEN: Do my calculus homework!

XAPHAN: What is calculus?

DAMIEN: It’s this dumbass book full of wiggly symbols.

XAPHAN: I like books. I will do this. And, what do you want?

RAVEN: Well... I wanted a hot demon lover but... You’re not really my type.

XAPHAN: I don’t know what this means and I do not care. Next. What do you want Trainee?

TRAINEE: Um. I just kinda wanted to hang out?

XAPHAN: Done. We will hang...o- out.

TRAINEE: Cool... So... Uh, shake on it.

XAPHAN: I will shake. [[SFX: XAPHAN gyrates her body]] Huguhguhguhguh-

TRAINEE: No, not like that.

RAVEN: That's so disturbing.

TRAINEE: You just grab my hand and shake it. Like, maybe we should spit on our hands first.

XAPHAN: Very well.

[[SFX: XAPHAN hocks a loogie]]

RAVEN: Ew, GROSS.

[[SFX: Sin coin ding]]

DAMIEN: What was that?

XAPHAN: A sin coin! I earned one! “Sin: Tempted a teenager into making a deal with a demonic being. Category n2kSW. Major Sin”! Nice!

RAVEN: So... what now?

XAPHAN: I do the calculus, I "hang out" with Trainee, then I report back to the other demons.

TRAINEE: There are other demons?

XAPHAN: In the mall.

DAMIEN: Woah.

XAPHAN: Wait... could you summon... any demon?

TRAINEE: Any demon on Earth. Yeah.

XAPHAN: Hmm... [delighted] Would you like another deal?

RAVEN: Wait, really? Oh my god this is so cool, YES. Maybe she knows Spike.

XAPHAN: Spike from Buffy?

RAVEN: Yeah.

XAPHAN: That can be arranged.

RAVEN: Ugghh I knew he was real!

TRAINEE: What do you need us to do?

XAPHAN: The other demons are looking for someone. His name is Hornblas. You will summon him.

TRAINEE: [excited] Can we meet the other demons?

XAPHAN: No.

DAMIEN: We won’t do the summoning unless we get to meet the other demons! 

TRAINEE: Please? 

XAPHAN: ...fine.

TEENS: YES!

DAMIEN: We are so legit right now.

XAPHAN: I shall call ahead and alert them of your arrival. Oh! On the... phooone... Do you have one?

RAVEN: Yeah, it’s upstairs in the kitchen.

XAPHAN: [intense] Bring me to it.

RAVEN: This is the gothest thing anyone has ever done.

DAMIEN: Do we have any bagel bites left? I’m kinda hungry. Cause I just like, died.

XAPHAN: What- are- bagel bites?

TRAINEE: Woah what? Okay. The summoning can wait like 13 minutes cause this is very important for you to know. It's this way.

[[SFX: Trainee talks as they thud up the stairs, her voice fades out behind a closed door]]

TRAINEE: So bagel bites are kind of like a pizza but they’re kind of like a bagel but also really small like a bite and if you try really had you can put like four in your mouth at once but you might burn your tongue because they’re like six hundred million degrees Fahrenheit...

[[SFX: Guitar fades in]] 

-- SCENE 03 --

[[SFX: The guitar fades out as the mall ambiance fades in, only a single pair of footsteps is echoing against the hollow floor]]

ANNOUNCER VOICE: Attention Brimstone Valley Mall Shoppers! Hey all you late night Christmas customers! Do you want to hop in on the newest toy craze sweeping the nation? Your kids won’t stop begging for one, so why not just let them have what they want? These furry little friends are just flying off the shelves! Stop on over to Toys-R-We to get your hands on the all new Furb-

[[SFX: The metal door closes, cutting off the announcement. We’re back in the parking lot by the dumpster, the sound of snow being shoveled across asphalt]]

MISROCH: [smug] Asmoraius! Nice of you to join us.

ASMORAIUS: Look at you two, shoveling snow like two little Holiday Elves!

BELZAGOR: [insincere] Good one.

MISROCH: How much space did Xaphan say they’ll need?

BELZAGOR: How the fuck should I know? I’ve never been to a summoning.

ASMORAIUS: Goodness, it’s chilly. No chance we could do this inside? The mall is about to close.

MISROCH: True. Nobody’s in there anyways. And, if there is. we could just kill them like that other guy.

BELZAGOR: There’s not enough room in the back of Gadgethut and there’s definitely not enough room in the back of Weiner World. [sighs] And we can’t complete a demon summoning ritual out in the middle of the mall, there are mall cops. Also, the laws of space and time could malfunction and turn the building inside out. So. Outside.

ASMORAIUS: Ooh, how gruesome.

MISROCH: Asmoraius, I know that leaning against the dumpster is extremely taxing, but could you maybe take a break from that to help us shovel this fucking snow?

ASMORAIUS: Me? [yawns] Oh. No.

BELZAGOR: We just need enough exposed asphalt for them to draw a few chalk symbols. [[SFX: She stops shoveling, surprised]] I feel like that’s probably enough space actually. Misroch, did you bring the salt?

MISROCH: I always have salt on me. I’m a chef.

ASMORAIUS: Misroch is extremely salty.

MISROCH: Personality wise, I’d like to think I’m umami.

ASMORAIUS: And I’m ya-daddy, if you know what I mean.

BELZAGOR: Both of you stop right now.

[[SFX: A sin coin appears]]

BELZAGOR: Damn. Another one.

MISROCH: You’re still getting faulty sin coins?

BELZAGOR: Yeah, I feel like it’s been getting worse. I don’t know what is going on down there, but it’s super fucked up. I’m kind of worried I’ll reach my quota at this rate...

MISROCH: I don’t think so, you’d have to earn thousands. What does this one say?

BELZAGOR: That’s a whole other thing. They're the most random sins. Like, okay, this one is “Caused a child to lock their sibling in a bathroom with a demonic object. Category XXXMUZ. Major Sin”?

ASMORAIUS: Well that’s nonsensical.

BELZAGOR: Because it’s a glitch!

MISROCH: Um... So there’s a minivan driving across the parking lot behind you. It’s coming straight towards us.

BELZAGOR: What?

[[SFX: A car comes to a halt beside them as the sliding doors open and close and RAVEN’s mom addresses the TEENS]]

RAVEN’S MOM: Now you kids have fun! Stay warm out here and don’t take off your gloves or ya hat, you’ll catch frostbite. I’ll be back to pick you up in two hours.

RAVEN: I know, mom. You can go now.

DAMIEN: Bye Mrs. G!

MOM: Bye kids!

[[SFX: Minivan starts to drive off]]

XAPHAN: [singing] Knock knock! I have brought the teens! Teens, Meet the demons of Brimstone Valley Mall.

ASMORAIUS: [upset] Those are the teens you were talking about?

DAMIEN: Oh my god it’s the old wizard from the carousel who tried to kill us!

ASMORAIUS: I am not a wizard!

MISROCH: Wait. Trainee?? Is that you??

TRAINEE: Misroch??

MISROCH: YOU did a demon summoning?

TRAINEE: You’re a demon?! Holy shit my BOSS is a DEMON!

MISROCH: [defensive] I ONLY HAVE ONE SOUL. NOT TWO.

TRAINEE: HOW CAN I BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU SAY?

RAVEN: Wow, there have been secret demons in our mall this whooole time. This is so cool!

DAMIEN: I'm like, really scared!

TRAINEE: Wait, I’ve met like, all of you guys. This explains so much! Like how all of your friends are super goth and have such weird names!

MISROCH: Oh that’s funny, coming from someone who’s name is Trainee!

TRAINEE: That is not my name...!

BELZAGOR: Okay okay. Can we all stop shouting?

XAPHAN: Summoning rituals require lots of screaming. In my recent experience.

RAVEN: Can’t we do the summoning inside? It's cold.

MISROCH: No. We’re doing this outside. Now stop whining.

BELZAGOR: You’ve got the four of us with you, so the evil density will be in your favor, but the power may also be difficult to control. We’ll do it out here in case you guys explode or turn inside out. Less cleanup.

RAVEN: [in awe] You’re so cool.

BELZAGOR: Yes.

MISROCH: Before we begin, I’d like to reiterate the terms of the deal. We’re summoning our friend, Hornblas. This is TOP-SECRET Hell business. If any of you pipsqueaks so much as whispers the word demon to another living soul ever again after this event, then I’m going to personally put you on the menu at Weiner World.

XAPHAN: YES DELICIOUS.

TRAINEE: [an aside] I knew it was a human hand.

BELZAGOR: Did you guys bring what you need for the summoning?

RAVEN: I brought the Spankee Candles

TRAINEE: I have the chalk.

DAMIEN: I brought the book.

MISROCH: And I have the salt.

BELZAGOR: Sweet. Alright. So... How does this work?

RAVEN: Wait. You’ve never done this before?

ASMORAIUS: Of course not. Demons can’t summon other demons. Well, except for one. Which ironically is the demon we’re trying to summon!

RAVEN: Have you ever been summoned before?

ASMORAIUS: Of course I have. Humans summon lust demons all the time. To make out with them.

RAVEN: I knew it!

XAPHAN: If someone must “make out” with Hornblas. Then I will do it.

MISROCH: What?

BELZAGOR: There will be no making out.

ASMORAIUS: Aw...

TRAINEE: Damien and Raven, you draw the circles of binding, and I’ll look up Hornblas’s sigil in the book. [to the demons] What type of demon is he?

MISROCH: Demon of summoning.

BELZAGOR: Here. This will be faster. His sigil looks like this.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR shuffles her clothing]]

MISROCH: You have his sigil tattooed on your humanskin?

BELZAGOR: We got it done in Vegas that one time.

MISROCH: Does he have yours?

BELZAGOR: Duh. We’re best friends.

XAPHAN: [whispers] Best friends.

TRAINEE: [to the teens] I’ll draw Hornblas’s sigil.

MISROCH: Can we hurry this along? I’m freezing-

ASMORAIUS: Your nads off? Yes, we know, dear. Would you like to borrow my fur coat sometime?

MISROCH: No.

TRAINEE: Damien, Can you light the candles?

DAMIEN: I don’t have a lighter.

BELZAGOR: Here, kid. 

[[SFX: lighter flick]]

DAMIEN: You are so cool.

BELZAGOR: I’m also in a band.

DAMIEN: Oh my god.

MISROCH: Okay focus, or there won’t BE a band, just light the candle.

ASMORAIUS: Oh it will be so nice to have the band back together.

MISROCH: Yeah, I can’t wait to strangle that asshole for leaving us.

XAPHAN: I can’t wait to scream!

BELZAGOR: No! Xaphan. No screaming.

XAPHAN: But we have to.

MISROCH: Here. Have a weiner.

XAPHAN: [scarfs]

TRAINEE: Alright. Sigil is drawn. Damien, did you bring the needle?

DAMIEN: Ugh. I really don’t wanna do that again.

TRAINEE: [mocking] Well, maybe don’t like stab yourself this time.

ASMORAIUS: Keep in mind that this might be harder than when you summoned Xaphan. We don’t know how far away Hornblas is. He could literally be anywhere on Earth.

TRAINEE: We can do this. Hand me the needle. [swallows the pain of pricking herself] Your turn.

RAVEN: Fine. [inhales] Ow!

DAMIEN: Oh god oh god, I don’t wanna die again.

TRAINEE: You’ll be fine!

DAMIEN: Here goes. [he squeaks]

TRAINEE: See? That’s way less blood than before. Now we hold hands. Ready?

DAMIEN/RAVEN: Ready

TRAINEE: On the count of three. One... two... three!

TEENS: WHO DO WE WANT? HORNBLAS! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM? NOW!

[[SFX: A low rumble of a demon portal]]

MISROCH: Seriously? That’s the chant?

XAPHAN: It’s working!

MISROCH: The portal!

[[SFX: The portal is darker and more ominous, the roars of lions is heard as the portal whips the air around it]]

BELZAGOR: Uhh it looks weird. I think they did it wrong!

ASMORAIUS: The teens! They’re floating up in the air!

XAPHAN: THEIR EYES LOOK AWESOME!

MISROCH: Mortals! What can you see?

DAMIEN: I see.... A light...

RAVEN: I see... Darkness...

TRAINEE: This... isn’t like before. There is so much... power... This is... This is too much!

BELZAGOR: Don’t give up! Hold on to it! Do you see Hornblas?

RAVEN: I can’t! It’s... It’s too powerful

BELZAGOR: You can do it! Tell us what you see!

[[SFX: The portal is louder, and starts to screech]]

DAMIEN: The edge! I SEE THE EDGE OF EVERYTHING!

TRAINEE: THE VASTNESS OF THE END OF ALL THINGS

RAVEN: THE UNIVERSE AS WE KNOW IT IS FINITE. THE BEYOND AWAITS.

MISROCH: Oh fuck. I think they’re at the border!

XAPHAN: WHAT?

BELZAGOR: Oh FUCK, we have to pull them out of it! They’re going to explode!

ASMORAIUS: But that’s impossible, if they’re at the border that means that Hornblas is-

[[SFX: The portal grips the TEENS]]

DAMIEN: We 

RAVEN: Cannot 

TRAINEE: Hold 

DAMIEN: The 

RAVEN: Portal 

TRAINEE: Open 

DAMIEN: The 

RAVEN: Border

TRAINEE: Is

DAMIEN: Too

RAVEN: Strong

TRAINEE: The Light

DAMIEN: The DARK–

TEENS: WE SEE THE THRESHOLD

[[SFX: The teens howl to a climax, then suddenly the portal quickly disappears. The TEENS are released and thud to the ground. Silence]]

XAPHAN: I told you there would be screaming.

MISROCH: Are they dead? 

[[SFX: BELZAGOR lightly kicks their bodies]]

BELZAGOR: Nope. Knocked out.

ASMORAIUS: Well then... What the actual fuck was that?

BELZAGOR: The summoning went all the way to the border. Which means...

MISROCH: Hornblas is back in Hell.

BELZAGOR: Why? Why would he go back without us?

ASMORAIUS: Carpasinus said there was no record of him going back.

XAPHAN: So, he snuck in?

MISROCH: Don’t be ridiculous, Xaphan, no one sneaks into Hell.

BELZAGOR: There’s no other explanation. He must have found a way back. He left us.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR walks to the dumpster and opens it]]

MISROCH: Belzagor really?

XAPHAN: There are no more books in the dumpster, I have read them all.

ASMORAIUS: I mean. We’re pretty much fucked anyway so we might as well drink.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR finds the flask and jumps out of the dumpster]]

XAPHAN: Eugh, ack! What is that horrible smell?

[[SFX: BELZAGOR takes several gulps of the spirits and drops the bottle]]

ASMORAIUS: That would be Holy Water.

MISROCH: Belzagor!

ASMORAIUS: Belz. Are you... Okay?

BELZAGOR: [on a tirade] Oh yah- I’m fine! I’m TOTALLY okay, yeah! I feel great! I feel great that Carpasinus was RIGHT. That Hornblas abandoned us? That he didn’t even say goodbye!? 

[[SFX: She grunts and kicks the dumpster]]

MISROCH: Belzagor! Stop freaking out!

ASMORAIUS: We don’t know for sure that that’s what happened.

XAPHAN: Then what did happen?

BELZAGOR: Maybe he did join another band. A band of demons?? Or what if he wants to play Y2K solo?

MISROCH: Then why would he put our names on the contract he made with the Devil?

ASMORAIUS: It’s true, something doesn’t make sense.

XAPHAN: We must go back to Hell.

MISROCH: What?

XAPHAN: We must find him before the party.

MISROCH: What’s all this “we?” Xaphan, you’re not tied to any of this.

XAPHAN: If you’re gone then there are no weiners! And no friends.

MISROCH: Yeah, and how do we get down there? None of us have enough sin coins.

ASMORAIUS: Well... I suppose we could earn them.

BELZAGOR: There’s no way we’ll earn enough in time.

ASMORAIUS: Do you have a better idea?

BELZAGOR: ... No?

ASMORAIUS: [justifying] I say we try it. We’ll start in the morning when the mall opens! The day after Christmas is always a madhouse. The mall will be flooded with bitter sinners returning their shitty gifts!

XAPHAN: WE CAN DO THIS! Teens! Rise up! Teens! .... The teens slumber.

ASMORAIUS: Oh, They’ll be sleeping that off for a while. The first time I was summoned I had a hangover for three days! It does something to your insides. Eugh, poor little bodies.

MISROCH: We can stuff them in my office until they wake up.

BELZAGOR: Only if you promise not to cook them.

MISROCH: Hey! I would never... okay yeah, you’re right I was gonna cook them.

ASMORAIUS: So much for the tweener special.

XAPHAN: I want to drag mine by the feet! I like her shoes.

[[SFX: The snow crunches as they drag the TEENS away]]

MISROCH: Tweener special. Ha. That’s actually pretty catchy...

[[SFX: Guitar starts to fade in, cut off by the metal door of the employee parking lot]]

-- SCENE 04 --

[[SFX: Beeps]]

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have ONE new message. Received

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 25th at 11:44pm. 

XAPHAN: Hello Mrs. G. I am a teen, just like your spawn. We are teen friends. The teens and I left the mall and will be spending the rest of the night at my human home with my human parents. Because teens do this. I know this because I read The Babysitter’s Gang. We are not demons and we are not doing demonic things. Do not be worried. Do not come looking for us. We will return the teens to you tomorrow [starts to snarl] in exchange for bagel bites-

MISROCH: [shrieking in the background] Hey! Stick to the script!

XAPHAN: That is all. Also do not go in the basement. Also, do not forget the Bagel Bites.

MISROCH: Xaphan!-

[[SFX: hangs up]] 

[[MUSIC: Musical Outro - Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song plays over credits]]

-- CREDITS -- 

KRISTEN DIMERCURIO: Demons and Mortals alike, thank you for listening to episode six of Brimstone Valley Mall!

This show was written and directed by Kristen DiMercurio. Hey! That’s me!

It was co-written by Mark Wolf Roberts and Talia Rochmann.

This episode was sound designed by Jared Paul, and recorded by Jared Paul and James Schoen.

In this episode you heard:

Trainee, played by Regina Russell 
Raven, played by Jordan Cobb
Damien, played by Christopher Trindade 
Xaphan and Mrs. G, played by Isa Braun
Misroch, played by Elliot Gindi
Belzagor, played by Susannah Wilson
Asmoraius, played by Mark Wolf Roberts
Hornblas, played by Sheldon Brown
And the Mall Announcements, played by yours truly.

Our theme music is written and performed by FM Buller.

Our show art is designed by Talia Rochmann.

Brimstone Valley Mall is produced by Kristen DiMercurio, with Production Consulting by Julia Schifini.

It’s Executive Produced by Mischa Stanton for the Whisperforge.

And you guys know the drill, it’s time to shout out our wonderful patrons who helped us by donating to our indiegogo. You guys basically made the show, so we’d like to give a big, searing hot secret handshake to: Mike Schubert, Ellen Coblentz, Julia Morizawa, Jared J Smith, Marina Vermillion, Elizabeth Villarreal, Alice Pucheu, Julianna Dahbura, Joyee To, Anna Z, Sarah A Metcalf, Nate Harrison, Chelsea K Boyle, Ari Conte, Karen Rizzo, and Joseph Knispel. 

Want more good good demon content? You can follow us on twitter @bvmpod, and facebook, instagram, and tumblr at brimstonevalleymall.

Episode seven of Brimstone Valley Mall will air on Thursday, March 5th.

Now head on over to the food court, because today’s Weiner World Special Is: The Tweener Speci- … What? Oh okay, sorry we had a last minute change. Uh, today’s Weiner World Special is: Kneecap Nachos! Wow! Those are some thick chips!