A PRODUCT OF THE WHISPERFORGE, SOUND AND STORY BROUGHT TO LIFE

[[SFX: Whirr of an old Answering Machine. BEEP]]

HORNBLAS: Hey, this is Hornblas, lead singer of Mall Rat. Misroch, Asmoraias, Belzagor and I aren’t home, so leave us a message.

[[MUSIC: A Rockin’ 90’s bass line begins underneath Hornblas’ message.]]

HORNBLAS: None of us are demons by the way. Definitely not from Hell. Okay. Cool. You know what to do.

[[MUSIC: Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song. Rock guitar and drums join the bass.]]

-- SCENE 01 --

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have ONE new message. Received SATURDAY, DECEMBER 25th 1999 at 11:45 pm.

ASMORAIUS: Oh. Hello there and Merry [bleep]]Christmas, you ravishing, ravenous beast you. Last night was. Mmm last night was world [bleep]ering. Never, in my entire existence have I experienced such ultimate pleasure. I can’t stop thinking about the way you [bleep]]my [bleep]]with a chainsaw. While your [bleep]]was dripping from my wet, sensual [bleep]. May your delicious, sensual [bleep]]be forever lodged in my [beep]]with [bleep]]curse of [bleep]. Remember, my sweet [beep]-kind, sweaty delicious fleshy [beep]. My [bleep]]hungers for your [bleep]]and all of your other orifices. I [bleep], you [bleep], we all [bleep]]for [bleep]... Oh! Is this? I think I might have the wrong number. Disregard this message!

[[SFX: Guitar lick fades in]]

-- SCENE 02 --

[[SFX: Guitar lick fades out. We hear the mall’s loudspeaker:]]

ANNOUNCER VOICE: Attention Brimstone Valley Mall shoppers! It’s Christmas Day, but there's no need to rush out! We’re extending our hours even longer! Till midnight!! That’s right, we’re forcing our employees to stay away from their families on a holiday evening even later so you can snag those Pre-New Years Discounts! Special sales now on tube tops and cargo shorts that will definitely still be in style this time next year! Want to get all dolled up for the new millennium? Then stop by Chloe’s for head to toe rhinestone accessories and you’ll look-

[[SFX: A metal door closes as MISROCH walks into the employee parking lot, snow scrunching between his feet. The sound of a highway is distant in the background]].

MISROCH: Everyone’s late. Typical.

XAPHAN: WAZAAAAAAPP???

MISROCH: HOLY hell! Where the fuck where did you come from?

XAPHAN: Same place as you. Do you have more weiners?

MISROCH: Yeah, fine. Here. 

[[SFX: Xaphan scarfs it down like an animal]]

MISROCH: Were you... reading a book? In the parking lot?

XAPHAN: I found it in the dumpster.

MISROCH: Ha! A dumpster book? Let me see this... ‘The Babysitter’s Gang.’ This is a joke, right?

XAPHAN: Give it back. I crave knowledge.

MISROCH: Sure. Knock yourself out.

XAPHAN: With what?

[[SFX: metal door opens, BELZAGOR walks out]]

BELZAGOR: ‘Sup losers? 

[[SFX: the slurp of a slushie]]

XAPHAN: Wazzaaap?

BELZAGOR: Ugh, who taught you that?

XAPHAN: I listen to the mall people.

MISROCH: Belzagor, what happened to you? You look like you stuck your tail in an electrical socket.

BELZAGOR: I was working on the Carousel for Asmoraius. We made some major adjustments. There’s like no one in the mall today.

MISROCH: Tell me about it. I had to send Trainee home early because business was so slow.

BELZAGOR: You got a human to work on Christmas?

MISROCH: She’s Jewish, don’t be ignorant.

BELZAGOR: Touche. 

[[SFX: Slurps slushie]]]

BELZAGOR: Oh shit, Xaphan, are you reading the Babysitter’s Gang? I love those books.

XAPHAN: I read them to know about things. Books have things in them. Things about...umm [[SFX: she flips through the pages and clicks her tongue]]]...”proms”.

MISROCH: There are better books out there.

BELZAGOR: Eh. Marginally. 

[[SFX: Slurp]]

XAPHAN: Where are these better books?

MISROCH: Xaphan, There’s a bookstore in the mall.

XAPHAN: WHAT?!!

MISROCH: You’ve been slithering around the mall for three days and you haven’t found the bookstore?

XAPHAN: [cackling]]I must find this place!

BELZAGOR: Borderline Personality Bookstore. It’s right next to Foot Closet.

XAPHAN: I MUST GO NOW.

[[SFX: Xaphan quickly gets up to run, and bumps into MISROCH]]

MISROCH: Hold up. If you wanna buy books. You're gonna need money.

XAPHAN: I have no tokens left! I used them all mastering Dance Dance Retribution in the arcade. Though, I still cannot survive Tsugaru Applemix on Absolutely Impossible mode.

MISROCH: Not arcade tokens, you idiot. Real human money.

BELZAGOR: Well, you can kind of get away with just sitting on the floor in there and reading.

MISROCH: Eventually she’ll get kicked out.

BELZAGOR: She’d probably be fine today. Humans get weird on Christmas.... Hm [[SFX: slurrrp]]]Or she could just steal the books.

XAPHAN: [in awe]]Stolen knowledge...?

MISROCH: Not that any of this matters, because she’s going back down to Hell as soon as we sort things out with Carpasinus. Who is late. It’s just past 6:66. Why is everyone always late to everything?

[[SFX: the metal door opens, ASMORAIUS walks out]]

ASMORAIUS: Why hello there fellow demons. And might I say you all look ravishing today in your winter coats.

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS swishes the coat he is wearing]]

BELZAGOR: Thanks?

ASMORAIUS: Yes, all of your coats look simply darling!

XAPHAN: I have no coat.

ASMORAIUS: Oh, well darling you must get a winter coat.

XAPHAN: Why?

ASMORAIUS: And what a great coat you’re wearing, Misroch.

MISROCH: Asmoraius. Stop trying to get us to compliment your ridiculous coat-

ASMORAIUS: Oh this old thing?? Isn’t it just gorgeous? I bought it while strolling around downtown last night with Trent.

MISROCH: Sounds like you had fun.

ASMORAIUS: Oh wouldn’t you like to know. Now, enough about me, where’s Carpasinus?

BELZAGOR: He should be here any minute.

ASMORAIUS: Well then. Shall we shed our human skins and prepare for his arrival?

MISROCH: Is that a hickey on your neck?

ASMORAIUS: Absolutely. 

MISROCH: Fine. We don’t want to appear human in front of this up-jumped nerd. Carp-ASS-inus already thinks he’s better than us.

ASMORAIUS: I’ll go first.

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS’S demon morphing sound, filled with laughter and sex moans]]

ASMORAIUS: Ah! Demon again!

[[SFX:  Misroch’s demon morphing sound]]

XAPHAN: I thought we weren’t allowed to be in demon form outside.

MISROCH: Aw man that feels good.

BELZAGOR: [to XAPHAN]]It’s a special occasion. And there’s no one around to see us. All the humans stayed home today.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR’s demon morphing sound, mechanical, gears, metal]]

BELZAGOR: There we go.

XAPHAN: YES! MY BICEPS!

[[SFX: Xaphan’s demon morphing sound]]

XAPHAN: YES! MY BICEPS!IN THEIR TRUE SIZE!!

[[SFX: Assume demon voices for the remainder of the scene]]

BELZAGOR: Oh man. I haven’t been in my demonskin in too long. I’m practically rusted.

[[SFX: metal squeaks]]

XAPHAN: Belzagor, your demon form is -

BELZAGOR: Metal?

XAPHAN: Shiny! Sharp! Extremely intimidating!

BELZAGOR: Good. We'll need it. Carpasinus is gonna rip us a new one when he finds out we don’t know where Hornblas is.

MISROCH: Wouldn’t it be great if Hornblas just showed up? Right now? If he just came right through that door a moment before Carpasinus arrives? Showing up at the last second? Like he always does? ... With a big surprise??...

[[SFX: The pervasive echo of silence]]

ASMORAIUS: Misroch-

MISROCH: Yeah, yeah. I know. It was just wishful thinking.

[[SFX: A low rumble is heard]]

XAPHAN: I hear something.

[[SFX: A portal to hell opens in the parking lot. Sounds of flames cackling, humans screaming, lions roaring. CARPASINUS enters. Speaks with a sneer and a proverbial eyebrow raised at all times]]

BELZAGOR: Carpasinus.

[[SFX: Carpasinus brushes himself off and immediately addresses the group]]

CARPASINUS: Excellent... Almost all of you are here.

ASMORAIUS: Carpasinus, we-

CARPASINUS: Let’s take a roll call, shall we? Xaphan, Stoker of the Bellows. Misroch, Line Cook in Hell’s Kitchen—yes dear, I know, with one soul, not two— Belzagor, Class Y Engineer of Hellish Inventions, Blood Sewage Division. Asmoraius, Class E Seducer and carousel enthusiast—

ASMORAIUS: I prefer “entertainer”.

CARPASINUS: —Aaaand, Hornblas. Summoner of the Demons of Hell, who, surprise surprise, isn’t present. Which brings us to our first and only order of business: his whereabouts.

MISROCH: Well, we’re actually glad you came to speak with us today, Carpasinus, as we would like to clear —

CARPASINUS: You should be happy to see me every day, Misroch. Don’t interrupt. Now, as you all know, the Y2K party is less than a week away. And your friend Hornblas is integral to that event-

BELZAGOR: -and Mall Rat.

CAPRASINUS: Excuse you?

BELZAGOR: Mall Rat. The band. Our band? We’re opening for The Reckoning at the Y2K party. Hornblas is our lead singer, so we need him.

CARPASINUS: Riiiiight. Your band. That is of course, the most pressing matter at hand here, is it? That your band gets to play some songs?

BELZAGOR: Well... Yeah.

CARPASINUS: Let's get one thing straight, “yeah”? Your little band, is the least important thing about this party. We could throw a stone in Hell and hit 10 other bands just frothing at the opportunity to open for The Reckoning. No, what we need. Is our glorified valet service, your friend Hornblas.

BELZAGOR: Hey! He's not a glorified-

CARPASINUS: Oh don't get me wrong, he's absolutely necessary for this event. So necessary that if we don't locate him there will be HELL to pay. And our prices are steep. So. Let’s get to the bottom of this. Tell me where he is?

[a beat]

CARPASINUS: Well?

ASMORAIUS: While I do love the tone you’re taking, and am very turned on by this whole power dynamic, we were actually hoping that you could tell us where he is?

CARPASINUS: And how am I supposed to know that?

MISROCH: You can just track him, right? That’s how you knew that he’d left his post.

CARAPSINUS: You assume much, Misroch. The drafting system does not track you individually. It measures the evil density in any given area. The evil reading for your sector was suddenly low, so Xaphan was sent up to return it to the status quo.

BELZAGOR: Well, wouldn’t the evil density be higher wherever he went then? If he’s moving around you could still probably figure out-

CARPASINUS: I manage over 9000! Demons stationed in the Continental Atlantic United States alone. He could have easily slipped into any other sector without being noticed. Evil densities are constantly shifting and changing as minions fill their quotas and complete their posts. The only place where that doesn’t seem to be the case is here. The one sector staffed by four of the most underperforming, dumb-stupid-idiot demons that have ever been under my jurisdiction.

MISROCH: We’re not dumb-stupid-idiot demons!

CARPASINUS: You’re not? Let’s fact check that.

BELZAGOR: Uh, maybe don’t?

[[SFX: Carpasinus summons paper records, with a low ringing noise ending with a “poof”]]

CARPASINUS: According to our records let’s see you’ve all been up here roughly 30 years, yet Asmoraius you have only earned 922 of your 6,969 quota, Belzagor, you owe 4,420 and have earned a meager 72. Misroch-

MISROCH: Alright fine! We get it!

CARPASINUS: Oh good. 

[[SFX: Poof, the records disappears]]

CARPASINUS: Because I don’t “get it”. I don’t get how you can be this bad at getting people to sin. Unless of course, you’re... do I dare even say it?

MISROCH: [gasps]]No! We’re not-

CARPASINUS: Human sympathizers?

BELZAGOR: [nervously]]No way! No! We all... hate humans!

ASMORAIUS: Yeah! And we definitely totally hate Earth too! Boo, Earth bad!

CARPASINUS: Really.

MISROCH: Yep! ...we keep trying to get people to sin, but we must just be really bad at it! We don’t have, like, other jobs or passions or hobbies up here or anything. We would definitely rather go back to our awful jobs- uh, I mean, our great lives! The lives we love! Back in hell.

CARPASINUS: Gooooood. Because a demon who prefers to be surface-side? [shivers]]It’s unnatural.

BELZAGOR: Hah hah... Yep.

CARPASINUS: How long has Hornblas been missing?

MISROCH: Since... Tuesday

CARPASINUS: That was FOUR human days ago. Why was this not reported?

BELZAGOR: Well we figured he was just... kinda, keeping to himself! He’s been in a funk lately. Even going to that music festival didn’t cheer him up-

CARPASINUS: Pitchfork?

BELZAGOR: Nah, that doesn’t exist yet. We went to Distort Tour. I got us backstage passes and everything.

CARPASINUS: Hmm... Have you considered the possibility that he ran off with another band?

BELZAGOR: What? Of course not!

MISROCH: He wouldn’t abandon us right before Y2K!

ASMORAIUS: It’s true. This will be the biggest gig we’ve ever played!

CARPASINUS: Are you sure? Distort Tour had an impressive lineup this year. Slugsnot. Nega-Flag. Wink 1059. Basic Plan. Papyrus Hill. You know half these “bands” are fronted by demons, don’t you? Perhaps he made a deal while you weren’t looking. Made plans to join a real band thus abandoning his post and you, his deadweight bandmates.

BELZAGOR: Hornblas loves our band. He wouldn’t just join another one!

MISROCH: A much more... successful one...

ASMORAIUS: [wistfully]]With fame... and glory... and groupies...

CARPASINUS: I’ll have my intern write up a report.

BELZAGOR: Wait a minute!

CARPASINUS: You don’t have a minute. If you do not find him and bring him to the party then all of you will take his place as throw rugs for the Hounds of Hell to wipe their flaming snot on for eternity!

[The demons all speak at once in an unintelligible uproar]

BELZAGOR: Wait what? That’s not fair!

MISROCH: You can’t blame us. This isn’t our fault!

ASMORAIUS: Sexually, I am somewhat interested.

XAPHAN: I feel their anger as my own.

CARPASINUS: [bellowing]]SILENCE! All of you! Now. Go extract Hornblas from the loving arms of mortal fame. I expect to see all of you including him in Hell’s inner sanctum before the party begins on December 31st. Do I make myself clear?

MISROCH:  You’re just trying to intimidate us into canceling the show!

CARPASINUS: Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t cancel. Hornblas signed a contract.

BELZAGOR: ...what?

CARPASINUS: To secure your place in the entertainment lineup, Hornblas signed a contract with the Devil herself that each of you would be there to perform. Together. How heartwarming.

XAPHAN: I’m in the band?

MISROCH/BELZAGOR/ASMORAIUS/CARPASINUS: No.

MISROCH: Did anyone else forget she was here?

CARPASINUS:  But if the rest of you and Hornblas are not there together. Well. Let’s just say you don’t want to go back on a deal with the Devil.

MISROCH: This isn’t fair!

CARPASINUS: Fair? Never met her. You’ve been on the surface too long, line cook.

BELZAGOR: [demanding]]And how are we supposed to just find him? He could be anywhere!

CARPASINUS: That’s a problem for lesser demons to worry about. I’ll take this for my troubles.

[[SFX: CARPASINUS snatches something from BELZAGOR’S hand]]

BELZAGOR: HEY! My slushie!

[[SFX: Slurps]]

CARPASINUS: Mmm! Refreshing. Just like they make them back home.

[[SFX: The portal re-opens, gurgling as he exits back through it. “Poof” There is some silence after]]

BELZAGOR: What did he mean back home? I don't think Hell has slushies.

XAPHAN: You got that at EleventySeven.

BELZAGOR: How did you know that?

XAPHAN: I watch you sometimes.

MISROCH: Guys. We’re are so fucked.

ASMORAIUS: And not in a fun way!

BELZAGOR: What are we going to-

[[SFX: Metal door opening from a short distance]]

MALL EMPLOYEE: I can't believe I'm still working this late on Christma-—holy SHIT! MONSTERS!! THERE’S MONSTERS IN THE PARKING LOT! SOMEBODY HELP!!

MISROCH: DEMONS, GET HIM.

[[SFX: Shrieking, screaming, and gnashing of teeth as they causally murder this employee. Guitar fades in]]

-- SCENE 03 --

[[SFX: Guitar Fades out]]

ANNOUNCER VOICE: Attention Brimstone Valley Mall shoppers! Thanks again for joining us here on Christmas Day! That's right, we're STILL open! And remember, Christmas is all about giving, but first that means that it’s all about buying! Let me repeat that: It’s all.. about...buying!  So hop to it! Thanks again for shopping at Brimstone Valley Mall.

[[SFX: XAPHAN, ASMORAIUS, BELZAGOR, and MISROCH walk through the empty food court. Towards the carousel. It’s turned off..]]

BELZAGOR: I can’t believe we didn’t consider that mall employees might come into the mall employee parking lot.

MISROCH: [cheery]]Well, no harm done. We solved that pretty quickly. Thanks for helping me get all his parts in the freezer, guys.

ASMORAIUS: It’s been a while since I’ve actually murdered someone. I daresay that’s put me in a good mood.

[[SFX: scarfing noises]]

MISROCH: Xaphan. Hey! Spit that out!

XAPHAN: [with her mouth full]]No. It’s delicious!

MISROCH: You give me that.

[[SFX: MISROCH struggles as he grabs onto the body part in XAPHAN’s mouth]]

MISROCH: (CONT'D) No one said you could have that! Come on, spit it out!

ASMORAIUS: Let her have it. It’s just an ear.

BELZAGOR: Yeah, I’m pretty sure your freezer is stuffed to the max.

MISROCH: Fine. You can have it this time.

[[SFX: MISROCH lets it go and XAPHAN munches on it]]

MISROCH:  Well, the good part about all this is that it saves me a trip to the morgue.

BELZAGOR: What are we supposed to do now?

MISROCH: We need to come up with a pla-XAPHAN: WOOOOOAHHH.

MISROCH: What is it now, Xaphan?

XAPHAN: LOOK! The Carousel!

MISROCH: What about the- [in awe]]Oh my.... Satan in Hell...

ASMORAIUS: Ooh! We have not shown you yet, Here. Let's go see it up close. Belzagor and I worked so hard on it. She did the technical bits and I worked on redecorating. 

[[SFX: A switch is flipped, the carousel starts]]

ASMORAIUS: There. Now you can see it properly. What do you think?

[[SFX: The carousel whirrs with a creepy intensity, with only a very faint melody]]

MISROCH: It’s... hideous.

XAPHAN: It's terrifying.

MISROCH & XAPHAN: I love it!!

BELZAGOR: Aw. Really? Guys, that means a lot. I thought the blood in the horses eyes was a really nice touch.

ASMORAIUS: Oh, thank you Belz! Here, Come closer! Come closer! Come touch the wondrous monstrosity!!

XAPHAN: It’s perfect. Look at the horns on these horses!

BELZAGOR: And look at that one. I gave it a two foot tongue. It actually catches flies, just like real Hell- Horses.

ASMORAIUS: Look in the center column! Look! Do you like the paintings I did of the humans with their eyes gouged out?

XAPHAN: Oooo, and that one’s getting eviscerated!

MISROCH: And that one! Paying income taxes!

XAPHAN: It reminds me of Hell.

ASMORAIUS: That’s right, it looks like Hell,

BELZAGOR: But it’s not Hell, It’s better.

MISROCH: Amazing.

ASMORAIUS: Shall we take it for a spin? We all had a rather trying evening, yes?

MISROCH: Asmo. We’ve just been told that if we don’t find Hornblas in the next 7 days that we’ll be tortured for all eternity, and the first thing you want to do is ride the carousel?

ASMORAIUS: M’yes!

MISROCH: Great Plan. I love it. Let’s do it.

ASMORAIUS: Everyone, hop on! I’ll fire it up!

XAPHAN: I like spinning!

[[SFX: They all get on the Carousel, which lurches along]]

BELZAGOR: Asmo hurry up and jump on!

ASMORAIUS: Coming!

[a beat]

ASMORAIUS: Ahh...Hornblas would have loved this.

BELZAGOR: Don’t talk about him like he’s dead. He’s just... somewhere... We’ll find him.

MISROCH: [sighs]]Where the fuck did he go?

XAPHAN: With the famous bands?

BELZAGOR: No. Xaphan, he wouldn’t. You don’t know him like we do.

XAPHAN: Explain.

BELZAGOR: He just... He wouldn’t leave us. I know it. He’s the reason we’re all friends to begin with.

MISROCH: That’s not true.

BELZAGOR: Yah it is. He’s the reason we all met.

XAPHAN: How did you meet Hornblas?

BELZAGOR: Me? Hm... It was back in the 70s. I was going through a rough time. When I first came up to Earth I was assigned to the Las Vegas sector... It was just so easy to get humans to sin there that all the other demons kinda came and went pretty quickly. I was mostly on my own. So one night I went to this dingy bar to get wasted and it turns out, Hornblas was playing there that night. He used to play gigs solo. But then after his set he came over to me at the bar and - I'll never forget this - he said “Hey” and I said “Hey.” Then we got really wasted together, and later that night he held my hair while I vomited holy water.

ASMORAIUS: How did you get Holy Water in a human bar?

BELZAGOR: The bartender was a priest.

ASMORAIUS: Oh. Right. Vegas.

MISROCH: We didn't all meet through Hornblas. Asmo, when did you meet him?

ASMORAIUS: A sex dungeon in the early 80s.... He was hired to sing. Which, I must say really elevated the whole experience.

BELPHEGOR: Hornblas introduced Me to Asmo, then introduced us to you after he found you working at that Michelin star restaurant in New York.

ASMORAIUS: The one that served all of the meals in tires? I remember that.

MISROCH: He's not the reason we're friends though.

ASMORAIUS: He was the one who requested to switch our sectors so we could all live together.

XAPHAN: So Hornblas is the leader of the band?

BELZAGOR: Yeah, basically. // ASMORAIUS: It’s a group effort. // MISROCH: Absolutely not!

[a beat]

BELZAGOR: He’s the leader of our band. It’s pretty clear.

ASMORAIUS: Well fine, but he’s not the most important member. Lead guitar is really the heartbeat of the band.

MISROCH: [indigent] I don’t know why you both put him on such a pedestal! What has he done that I haven’t done?

BELZAGOR: [understated] Um. Been fun and great and my best friend?

ASMORAIUS: He is a good deal less prickly than you, dear.

MISROCH: Stop the carousel.

ASMORAIUS: Oh, don’t be like that. We’re just telling you the extremely harsh truth which is that he’s just... naturally likeable and you’re -

MISROCH: Stop the carousel!

BELZAGOR: Don’t have a cow, dude—

MISROCH: STOP THE CAROUSEL. THERE IS SOMEONE IN WEINER WORLD.

BELZAGOR: What?

XAPHAN: [gasps] The weiners!

MISROCH: There’s someone going into the back room!

BELZAGOR: Do you want us to-

MISROCH: No. You stay here.

BELZAGOR: We can help?

MISROCH: No. You all can stay here and keep talking about how much you love Hornblas. I have better things to do.

[[SFX: MISROCH jumps off the carousel and walks away from it]]

XAPHAN: I don't understand.

BELZAGOR: They're just throwing a tantrum.

ASMORAIUS: They'll be fine.

XAPHAN: I dislike this.

BELZAGOR: Let's just try to focus on finding Hornblas.

ASMORAIUS: You're right, Belzagor. [conspiring II say we retrace his steps. Try to figure out where he was when he went missing.

BELZAGOR: That's actually a really logical place to star-

[[SFX: Xaphan barfs and groans]]

BELZAGOR: Ugh! Xaphan!

XAPHAN: The spinning.

BELZAGOR: That's fucking nasty, dude!

ASMORAIUS: [sighs] I'll get the mop.

-- SCENE 04 --

[[SFX: The kitchen of Weiner World, we hear shuffling through boxes]]

TRAINEE: Is it... I could have sworn I.... Come on where are you?

MISROCH: Right here.

TRAINEE: Ohmygod! What are you DOING here?

MISROCH: I could ask you the same question. Why are you sneaking around my kitchen when I clearly told you to go home? Hm?

TRAINEE: I’m not sneaking, I was just looking for-

MISROCH: BODIES? Because you won’t find any! There are NO bodies in this kitchen Especially not in the freezer cut into lots and lots of cylindrical pieces!

TRAINEE: I forgot my tamagotchi.

MISROCH: Your what?

TRAINEE: The toy, the little beeping eggtoy, I like, left it here by accident when you cut my shift short.

MISROCH: I told you not to bring that thing into work!

TRAINEE: It’ll die if I don’t take care of it! It like, needs me.

MISROCH: It’s a toy.

TRAINEE: You don’t understand. You don’t like, care about anybody.

MISROCH: Yes I do!

TRAINEE: Nuh uh... You’re even mean to your friends! Oh! Found it. 

[[SFX: She moves boxes and grabs the toy. It beeps]]

TRAINEE: Hey little guy! Oh my god there’s so much poop. [a beat] Aren’t you going to like... scream at me or something? You’re being quiet and it’s freaking me out.

MISROCH: I’m just tired, Trainee. [sighs] Do I look tired?

TRAINEE: I mean. You always kind of have these bags under your eyes.

MISROCH: Never mind.

TRAINEE: I mean, those bags do look a little worse than normal. So like... What happened?

MISROCH: I had a bad meeting with... my boss.

TRAINEE: You have a boss?

MISROCH: Everybody has a boss, Trainee. And mine’s a mega-dick.

TRAINEE: Hah, I can relate.

MISROCH: I shouldn’t be having this conversation with you.

TRAINEE: It’s okay. Maybe I can like, help? Right before I transferred here my school counselor gave me a piece of paper that has like, a lot of faces drawn on it, and your face is making the one that said “super sad and needs help” under it.

MISROCH: [despressed] Trainee... You should probably start looking around for a new job. I... I don’t think I’ll be around after new years.

TRAINEE: What? No, I like, need this job! Wait, are you like, dying?

MISROCH: Maybe you can go work over at Sausage Depot. They get more customers than us anyways.

TRAINEE: I don’t want to work at Sausage Depot. It would be like, so boring compared to here.

MISROCH: Trainee, we never have any customers. How could it be any more boring than working here? 

TRAINEE: We have customers sometimes. Like, remember that guy you choked on my first day?

MISROCH: He deserved it for not taking a free sample.

TRAINEE: And then the whole restaurant caught on fire?

MISROCH: Is this supposed to be comforting?

TRAINEE: Sorry. I’m like... not very good... at people.

MISROCH: And yet you chose to apply for a customer facing position at a prestigious weiner counter?

TRAINEE: I applied to all of the counters in the food court. Like, you’re the only one that called me back.

MISROCH: Really scraping the bottom of the barrel there, wasn’t I?

TRAINEE: Yeah, you’re not very good at people either.

MISROCH: No. I’m not. I don’t like people.

TRAINEE: I know.

MISROCH: And you know what? You’re right. I- I am mean to my friends. To be honest, I don't even know why they stick with me half the time.

TRAINEE: At least your friends are sticking with you though. Like, none of my friends did.

MISROCH: I know you’re about to tell me your problems, but I can guarantee you I don’t want to hear them.

TRAINEE: [ignoring him] My family moves a lot for my mom’s job, so like I don’t really have friends. I did start hanging out with these two goths here at the mall, but it’s like, still really new. They invited me to sleep over tonight, but like I’m convinced they’re not gonna like me. I mean. Why would they? I’m nothing special.

MISROCH: [frankly] Here’s the thing, kid. Most people aren’t special. They can’t be. Otherwise special doesn’t mean anything. And the people who are? Well. They know they’re special. And everyone else knows they’re special. And no matter what, all of the non-special people will have to scrape and claw and fight for any little thing that they get in life. While the special people don’t even have to try because they’re just destined to be liked by everyone for no fucking reason! It’s random and it’s cruel, and they can just run off and join Wink 1092 and leave you and all your non-special friends to become burning snot rags for the hounds of hell for all eternity!!!

TRAINEE: That’s like... a lot.

MISROCH: Go to your sleepover, whatever that is.

TRAINEE: Do I really have to find a new job?

MISROCH: We’ll see, just get out of here.

TRAINEE: Okay.

[[SFX: Trainee starts walking to the door, turns back]]

TRAINEE: (CONT'D) Also, don’t like. Die or whatever. That would be weird. And... I'd be sad.

[[SFX: the door shuts behind her. Guitar fades in]]

-- SCENE 05 --

[[SFX: Guitar fades out, the interior of Hot Topic]]

XAPHAN: Knock knock!

TRENT: Oh hello! Merry Christmas, and Welcome to Hot Topic. How can I help you- Wait a minute. I know you! You were at the Keytars n’ More with Asmoraius the other night! What’s your name?

XAPHAN: Xaphan, Stoker of the Bellows of the Flames of Hell!

TRENT: Oh. Uh, my goodness. Well that is... an interesting name. What are you... doing here? So late on Christmas?

XAPHAN: We are retracing the steps of Hornblas.

TRENT: Oh... Um. Who is doing this?

XAPHAN: Me. And my band. But I'm not in the band. Hornblas worked here. For money.

TRENT: [unsure]]The whole band? Knew Hornblas? Oh. Well, he's um. He's not here now?

XAPHAN: Where is he?

TRENT: Oh, Um ... I don't really. Um. I just. That's a strange question-

XAPHAN: It was a simple question. I need to know where he -

[[SFX: A hollow demonic noise and a quick poof- Xaphan let’s out a quick yelp, and is gone]]

TRENT: Xaphan? Hello? Where did she? ... go? ... Did anyone else see that? She just... vanished.... Into... thin air... [resigned] And it smells like sulphur... oh this is, this is not good.

-- SCENE 06 --

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have ONE new message. Received TUESDAY, DECEMBER 25th at 10:35 pm.

TRENT: Hey Asmoraius, if this really is your number. Haha, just kidding! I know you wouldn’t give me a fake number. Or maybe you would? You’re so funny. Um. But I’m calling... You know what? Um. I'd really just like to see you right now. Can you come over? I’ll make us some fondue, we could stay up late, sit really close together and watch a movie or something. You might still be at work right now, so I'll stop by the carousel before I leave for the night. I um... I really hope I can see you soon.

[[SFX: The phone hangs up. Music plays]]

[[MUSIC: Musical Outro - Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song plays over credits]]

-- CREDITS -- 

KRISTEN DIMERCURIO: Demons and Mortals alike, thank you for listening to episode five of Brimstone Valley Mall!

This show was written and directed by Kristen DiMercurio. Hey! That’s me!

It was co-written by Mark Wolf Roberts and Talia Rochmann.

This episode was sound designed by Jeffery Nils-Gardner, and recorded by Jared Paul and James Schoen.

In this episode you heard:

Misroch, played by Elliot Gindi
Xaphan, played by Isa Braun
Belzagor, played by Susannah Wilson
Asmoraius, played by Mark Wolf Roberts
Carpasinus and Trent, played by Christopher Trindade
Trainee, played by Regina Russell 
Hornblas, played by Sheldon Brown
And the Mall Announcements, played by yours truly.
Additional voices were played by Jeffery Nils-Gardner.

Our theme music is written and performed by FM Buller.

Our show art is designed by Talia Rochmann.

Brimstone Valley Mall is produced by Kristen DiMercurio, with Production Consulting by Julia Schifini.

It’s Executive Produced by Mischa Stanton for the Whisperforge.

We’d like to take a quick moment to shout out some of the incredible patrons who donated to our indiegogo. Without them the show would not be possible. So we’d like to give a big flaming kiss on the face to: Dawn and Wayne Roher, Annie Schumacher, Amy Giacomucci, Raymond Wallace, Daniel Irwin, Kat Schwartz, Joshua Rubino, Mark Brenowitz, Nuhad Jarufe, Matthew Peter Jones, Barb Huber, Emily O’Brian, Jeff Cheney, and Emily Giannusa

Want more good good demon content? You can follow us on twitter @bvmpod, and facebook, instagram, and tumblr at brimstonevalleymall.

Episode six of Brimstone Valley Mall will air on Thursday, February 20th. (Yes, we’ll be releasing the next episode in three weeks, not the usual two, because podcasts are hard and so are deadlines.)

Now head on over to the food court, because today’s Weiner World Special Is: Eyeball Relish. A brand new texture experience!