A PRODUCT OF THE WHISPERFORGE, SOUND AND STORY BROUGHT TO LIFE

[[SFX: Whirr of an old Answering Machine. BEEP]]

HORNBLAS: Hey, this is Hornblas, lead singer of Mall Rat. Misroch, Asmoraias, Belzagor and I aren’t home, so leave us a message. 

[[SFX:A Rockin’ 90’s bass line begins underneath Hornblas’ message]]

HORNBLAS: None of us are demons by the way. Definitely not from Hell. Okay. Cool. You know what to do.

[[SFX: Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song. Rock guitar and drums join the bass]] 

-- SCENE 01--

[[SFX: answering machine beeps]]   

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have ONE new message. Received FRIDAY, DECEMBER 24th, 1999 at 6:66 AM.

CARPASINUS: This is Carpasinus, Premier Case Manager of Demonic Activity blah blah blah YOU ALL HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO. I checked our records, and yes, Xaphan, has been sent up to you via our automatic Demon Drafting System. It appears that Hornblas has left your sector. More suspicious still, there is no record of him buying a ticket back down to Hell. Even if he did have the sincoins to do it, which he doesn’t, because you're all incapable dingbats with suspiciously low sincoin counts. Y2K is in exactly 7 days. We need Hornblas’s summoning abilities to bring the rest of Hell to the party so he must be in attendance. So. I will be coming to visit you morons in the flesh. Tomorrow, December 25th, the worst day of the year, at 6:66pm to deduce his location. We will meet at your self-appointed conference zone which is ... let’s see here...

[[SFX: CARPASINUS mumbles as he shuffles papers]] 

CARPASINUS: In the employee parking lot by the dumpster? Lucifer, just be there. Oh, and Xaphan will be taking over Hornblas’s post until further notice. 

[[SFX: He hangs up A guitar lick fades in]]

-- SCENE 02 --

[[SFX: The guitar lick fades out. The interior of the mall food court in heard]]

ANNOUNCER VOICE: Attention Brimstone Valley Mall Shoppers! It’s Christmas Eve, and we’ve got last minute presents for everyone on your list. Old Gravy has tons of Christmas ties for dads! Filene’s Crawlspace has enormous purses for moms! And Toys-R-We just stocked it’s shelves with a brand new toy, the Furby! So shop shop shop! Because if you don’t buy your family members the perfect gift, that means you don’t love them! Thanks again for participating in capitalistic guilt at Brimstone Valley Mall!

[[SFX: Footsteps of patron walking by]]

PATRON 5: Nice weiner hat, LOSER.

TRAINEE: Gee, I’ve never heard that one before. Also wait please come back here and take a sample? I have to give these away before my boss gets back and like, I don’t wanna eat them.

ASMORAIUS: Oh, my. You poor thing. You know, you’ll never get anyone to take a sample by pouting at them.

TRAINEE: I’m not, like, pouting.

ASMORAIUS: You are. You look positively miserable. Best be careful about that. Lest Misroch decides that you’d be more useful to them if you were a free sample.

TRAINEE: You know my boss?

ASMORAIUS: Oh, I’ve known your boss. For a very long time. Much much longer than you’ve even been alive, dear child.

TRAINEE: Hey. I’m like, almost 18.

ASMORAIUS: O, you faint, fey, little thing! How I pity your miserable and short existence.

TRAINEE: I don’t want your pity. But also. Will you take a free sample?

ASMORAIUS: [delighted]  No. I’ve had too many wieners today.

TRAINEE: Umm....

ASMORAIUS: So. Where is Misroch? I’d like to have a word with them.

TRAINEE: I don’t know, they left like, an hour ago?

[[SFX: PATRON 5 walks back with a friend]]

PATRON 5: HA! She’s still wearing the weiner hat! Guys look!

PATRON 6: We should take a picture!

PATRON 5: Let’s go buy a disposable camera!

PATRON 6: Yeah, they have them at GadgetHut.

PATRON 5: We’ll be back, LOSER.

[[SFX: they laugh as they leave]]

ASMORAIUS: Looks like you’ve made some friends in the meantime.

TRAINEE: It’s this stupid hat.

[[SFX: The weiner hat squeaks like a dog toy]]

ASMORAIUS: Ah yes. The famed weiner hat. You know, I’ve told Misroch time and time again they should have let me pick out the uniforms for this place.

TRAINEE: Really? That would be so cool. I like, really love your shirt. It’s really, like... Frilly.

ASMORAIUS: Oh, I only wear the best. I see you have a modicum of good taste yourself. Your pentagram choker is quite becoming.

TRAINEE: You think I'm pulling it off? I wasn't sure.

ASMORAIUS: Well, knowing how to dress your best takes time. It’s taken me thousands of years to hone a critical eye for goth fashion-

TRAINEE: Ughhh I want to be goth so bad! There are these like, two goths that are always hanging around the food court-

ASMORAIUS: Oh. I know them.

TRAINEE: Really?

ASMORAIUS: I wish I didn’t. They’re horrid.

TRAINEE: Oh my god can you introduce us? I like, really want to be their friend.

ASMORAIUS: Eugh! No!

TRAINEE: We could like, go to Splinters gifts, that shop with all the fart jokes and lava lamps and dildos? They have some really good goth shit in there. And I even heard they have a book on summoning d-

[[SFX: The two-way door to Weiner World’s Kitchen sqeaks as MISROCH emerges]]

MISROCH: Trainee?! Where is our lunch rush?!?

ASMORAIUS: Oh there you are, Misroch. I’ve been here waiting for you for hours. Your new Trainee is a horrible judge of character.

TRAINEE: Hey!

MISROCH: I wasn’t gone for hours. Just a quick trip to the morgue. I- I mean... Market. To the market! For more... weiners.

TRAINEE: Your name is Asmoraius? Like, for real?

ASMORAIUS: Yes and it’s a pleasure to meet you, young Trainee. Misroch, we need to talk.

TRAINEE: Oh, my name is R-

PATRON 5: Hey loser! Smile for the camera!!

[[SFX A shutter click of a disposable camera. The Patron winds its plastic wheel]]

PATRON 6: Hahaha. Take another one. Oh my god look at her face. NERD!

[[SFX: Another shutter click. The Patron winds its plastic wheel]]

PATRON 5: These pictures are gonna be so funny after we drop them off at a picture printing place, and then wait a few days for them to develop, and then come back to pick them up and finally see them.

PATRON 6: Hah, yeah, the process is laborious. Later, weiner-head.

MISROCH: [sighing] I hate humans.

TRAINEE: Me too.

MISROCH: Oh, finally, we agree on something. Now get back to work. I’ve got to get these frozen fingers- I mean, french fries into some hot oil.

ASMORAIUS: [cautious] Can that wait a moment? I’d like to have a word.

MISROCH: No, Asmoraius. It can’t.

ASMORAIUS: Oh, but darling, it’s about Hornblas.

MISROCH: Don’t call me darling.

ASMORAIUS: You used to love it when I called you darling.

[a long beat]

TRAINEE: Well, this is like, awkward.

MISROCH: I don’t have time for this tension! Asmo, if you need to talk to me you’ll have to throw on an apron and do it while we prep ingredients for chilli weiners.

ASMORAIUS: I do look good in an apron. Does it come in black?

MISROCH: No.

ASMORAIUS: Blood red?

MISROCH: No. It’s yellow. Now put this on, follow me.

[[SFX: An apron ruffles as MISROCH tosses it to ASMORAIUS. Footsteps as the walk into the kitchen]]

ASMORAIUS: So I’m supposed to wear just this apron, right? Nothing under it?

TRAINEE: Uhhh...

[[SFX: The mall sounds fade out as a guitar lick fades in]]

-- SCENE 03 -- 

[[SFX: The guitar lick fades out. ASMORAIUS pushes the kitchen door open. The fryer sizzles, the stove crackles, and MISROCH is heard chopping against a butcher block.]]

ASMORAIUS: [singsongy] Alright! I’m ready!

MISROCH: Good, hand me the knife sharpener. It's by the door.

ASMORAIUS: How do you possibly spend all of your time back here? It’s so greasy, and dismal. You should let me decorate a little. We could start small, perhaps with a chandelier?

MISROCH: The sharpener.

ASMORAIUS: You haven’t even turned around to look at my outfit.

MISROCH: Asmo. Bring me the -

ASMORAIUS: Just look!

MISROCH: Fine! I’ll just drop everything I’m doing to look at you in an apron because you require-

[[SFX: MISROCH lets the knife drop on the counter as he turns around]] 

MISROCH: SO much personal... atten- [pause] Asmoraius. You’re naked.

ASMORAIUS: The apron didn’t match my clothes. So I took off the clothes.

MISROCH: This is against health code.

ASMORAIUS: [upset] So is that human’s thigh on your cutting board.

MISROCH: It’s a chicken leg!

ASMORAIUS: I think this looks rather becoming. You do love me in an apron, don’t you?

MISROCH: Hand me that knife sharpener and then go stir that pot of lard on the stove.

ASMORAIUS: Oh, look at you ordering me around. Fine, fine. I’ll play kitchen.

MISROCH: We’re not playing-

ASMORAIUS: [mocking] Right! Right right r-r-r-r-right. This is very serious business. [laughs] Here’s your sharpener. I’ll go stir your pot.

[[SFX: The knife scrapes against the sharpener. MISROCH turns on the faucet]]

MISROCH: So. What’s the news with Hornblas? Did he turn up?

ASMORAIUS: Oh right! That's what we were talking about. No. He's missing.

MISROCH: Like... missing missing?

ASMORAIUS: We got a voicemail from Carpasinus this morning. Hornblas has left the sector.

[[SFX: MISROCH stops sharpening their knife]]

MISROCH: That’s... How does Carpasinus know that?

ASMORAIUS: I honestly have no idea. He must be tracking us somehow.

MISROCH: Ugh. Of course he is. I hate that guy.

[[SFX: MISROCH slams their knife into the human thigh with an aggressive kthunk]]

ASMORAIUS: Carpasinus? I always found him to be rather charming.

MISROCH: Charming? 

[[SFX: kthunk]]

ASMORAIUS: Oh, you know me, I’m a sucker for a demon with an agenda. What do you have against him? 

MISROCH: [defensive] Nothing. 

[[SFX:  kthunk]]

ASMORAIUS: Your aggressive cleaver work says otherwise.

MISROCH: I mean, aside from the fact that he’s the worst? He thinks he’s better than everyone just because he manages a few thousand demons or whatever. [[SFX: kthunk]] And he’s a narc! [[SFX: kthunk]] Honestly, how can you find him charming? He’s snide [[SFX: kthunk]] and arrogant [[SFX: two kthunks]], he even has the word ass right in his name! [[SFX: kthunk]] And carp! [[SFX: kthunk]] And ... and sinus! 

[[SFX: MISROCH continuously chops the meat with fervor]]

ASMORAIUS: Misroch, any more chopping and you’ll have minced that human thigh down to the molecule. 

MISROCH: It’s a chicken [[SFX: kthunk kthunk]] leg.

[[SFX: MISROCH chops and grunts a few more times, before giving up with a sigh]]

ASMORAIUS: Feel better?

MISROCH: [seriously] Of course I do. Okay. So. Hornblas left this sector. That’s not good. But if Carpasinus has a way of tracking him, then he should know where he went.

ASMORAIUS: Well, he didn’t mention anything like that.

MISROCH: Then what did he mention? Oh shit wait. Is he taking Xaphan back? I called his office yesterday to get her sent back down. Please tell me Xaphan is being sent back down.

ASMORAIUS: Oh. No. Xaphan is staying.

MISROCH: Satan’s Butthole.

ASMORAIUS: And also, he’s coming up here.

MISROCH: WHAT?!— Satan?

ASMORAIUS: No not Satan. Carpanisus. Tomorrow at 6:66pm.

MISROCH: [yelping] WHY?!

ASMORAIUS: [titillated]  Because he wants to “deduce Hornblas’s location.” I assume he’s going to question us.

MISROCH: Fucking fuck, Asmoraius this is not good!

ASMORAIUS: Really? I’m rather excited at the thought. I do love an interrogation. I find them extremely arousing.

MISROCH: If we get fed to the demigorgons because of fucking Hornblas. GRRR! I will not take the fall for that privileged asshat!

ASMORAIUS: Hornblas is not an asshat! Although that is one of my favorite sexual positions-

MISROCH: [screaming] Yes he is! Remember that time he wouldn’t come out of his room for a week because we didn’t like his idea for a five hour long concept album? About bees?

ASMORAIUS: I, for one, was not 100% against that album. I think it had some real potential.

MISROCH: The point is that he’s bailing on us a week before the biggest gig we’ve ever had and-

ASMORAIUS: He might still turn up. Remember that time he almost didn’t show up for the gig we played at the New Haven DMV? The previous biggest gig we’ve ever had?

MISROCH: But then an hour before we went on, he appeared with a triple necked guitar and a cowbell the size of my head?

ASMORAIUS: Huh! Who knows how big that cow must have been!

MISROCH: I don’t think that’s how that works.

ASMORAIUS: Misroch, Hornblas cares about this band, Misroch. What about last summer when he waited in line for 3 days to get us all matching Joy Division T-Shirts?

MISROCH: So what?

ASMORAIUS: Or when you couldn’t find anything to wear for the Harrisburg show except your uniform so Hornblas robbed a fisherman so you could wear mesh sleeves?

MISROCH: Okay fine.

ASMORAIUS: Or the time that you realized that none of us have birthdays because we weren’t born, so Hornblas -

MISROCH AND ASMORAIUS: convinced us all to sneak into Funn Family Furniture and pop all the water beds? [They burst into laughter]

MISROCH: That was so much fun.

ASMORAIUS: I still don’t know how birthdays work!

MISROCH: The jail time was worth it.

ASMORAIUS: See? See?

MISROCH: Okay, but none of that changes the fact that he’s missing. And even Carpasinus doesn’t know where he- Hey. Wait a minute. I just had a thought.

ASMORAIUS: Go on.

MISROCH: What if... What if Carpasinus is behind all this?

ASMORAIUS: Ooh, conspiracy? How titillating.

MISROCH: What if he’s jealous that our band is opening for The Reckoning at Y2K? He’s never liked us. I bet he’s trying to scare us into canceling the gig, by making us think that Hornblas is missing!

ASMORAIUS: Do you think he kidnapped Hornblas?

MISROCH: Or maybe just... distracted him for a few days ...somehow. Hornblas gets easily distracted.

ASMORAIUS: Well, we can’t all be as focused and driven as you, darling.

MISROCH: Don’t call me- Wait. You think I’m... driven?

ASMORAIUS: Why dear, you work harder than any food court employee I’ve ever met.

MISROCH: I- I... You know what? Damn right I do!

ASMORAIUS: And no one’s denying your inherent skill with a weiner.

MISROCH: Oh, I'm the best weiner handler Pennsylvania has ever seen!

ASMORAIUS: You are!

MISROCH: And we’re not going to let Carpasinus scare us into canceling the show!

ASMORAIUS: We won’t!

MISROCH: We’re gonna give the best fucking show we’ve ever played!

ASMORAIUS: We will!

MISROCH: We’ll be even better than The Reckoning!

ASMORAIUS: That’s maybe dreaming a little big!

MISROCH: We’re gonna show up to that Y2K Party. And we’re gonna fucking ROCK the APOCALYPSE.

ASMORAIUS: Oh Misroch! I love it when you get fired up like this. It excites me.

MISROCH: I can see that. You’re only wearing an apron.

ASMORAIUS: Misroch, my firey, hot-

MISROCH: Oh get over here and kiss me you-

XAPHAN: KNOCK KNOCK!!!!

MISROCH and ASMORAIUS: AHHHH!

MISROCH: WHAT THE FUCK?

XAPHAN: [triumphantly] I am entering this conversation!

ASMORAIUS: How long have you been under the fryer??

XAPHAN: Hours.

MISROCH: Satan!

ASMORAIUS: Why were you there?!

XAPHAN: I found this.

[[SFX: A rat squeaks in XAPHAN’S hand]]

MISROCH: A rat?! In my kitchen?

ASMORAIUS Ooh it's a Mall Rat! Like our band!

XAPHAN: It likes the five finger corndog. I like the five finger corn dog.

ASMORAIUS: Oh that’s cute, she made a friend!

XAPHAN: My first ... friend.

MISROCH: And your last. I am not dealing with the health department shutting us down for a rodent!

[[SFX: MISROCH in one swift motion, grabs the squeaking mouse, chops in on the butcher block and throws it into the fryer. The fryer sizzles.]]

XAPHAN: [to the rat] ...I won’t forget you.

MISROCH: I just- Everyone, out of my kitchen. Go on, shoo. I have work to do and you’re all distracting me.

ASMORAIUS: Aw, but Misroch, we were just having a-

MISROCH: Go! I... I got carried away.

ASMORAIUS: Well surely we both enjoyed it-

MISROCH: I’ll see you and band practice tonight.

ASMORAIUS: Fine.

XAPHAN: Can I come?

MISROCH: No.

ASMORAIUS: [overlapping] Yes.

MISROCH: Fine. If you leave now then you can come to band practice later. But no talking!

XAPHAN: I agree to these terms! Goodbye!

[[SFX: XAPHAN walks away lightly and pushes the kitchen door]]

ASMORAIUS: Misroch, darling, I-

MISROCH: [fiercely] I told you not to call me darling.

ASMORAIUS: [sighs] As you wish.

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS walk through the kitchen door. Trainee’s muffled voice is heard from the other side]]

TRAINEE: Oh my god you’re NAKED!

[[SFX: Guitar lick]]

-- SCENE 04 --

[[SFX The ANNOUNCER is heard, echoing through the empty mall]]

ANNOUNCER VOICE: Attention Brimstone Valley Mall Shoppers! Merry Christmas Eve! The mall is currently closed! If you’re hearing this message, you’re either one of our trusted mall cops who doesn’t get holidays off, or an intruder! All intruders, please make your way to your nearest Mall Cop Information Kiosk to be PUNISHED, for Christmas! And Trespassing! Thanks again for loitering after hours at Brimstone Valley Mall!

[[SFX: XAPHAN and MISROCH walk through the mall]]

XAPHAN: Did you hear that?

MISROCH: No, I didn’t hear the blaring announcement echoing through the cavernous walls of an otherwise completely empty and silent food court.

XAPHAN: Oh, well there was an announcement and it said there-

MISROCH: I heard what it said, we should have had Asmoraius teach you about sarcasm.

XAPHAN: What’s a sarcasm

MISROCH: Xaphan.

XAPHAN: Misroch.

MISROCH: Just... [sighs] Here, have a weiner.

[[SFX: XAPHAN scarfs the weiner down]]

MISROCH: Maybe I should rebrand these as demon training treats.

[[SFX: XAPHAN morphs into demon form]]

XAPHAN: [demonic voice] YOUR WEINERS ARE THE BEST THING ON THIS MORTAL PLANE!

MISROCH: Oh. Well. Thanks, I guess. Also, get back into human form.

[[SFX: XAPHAN morphs back]]

XAPHAN: Sorry. It just happens when I get excited.

MISROCH: You'll get better at controlling it the longer you’re up here. Which won’t be long, because we’re going to convince Carpasinus to take you back with him tomorrow. So...

[[SFX: The sound of an electric guitar off in the distance, it gets slowly louder as they get closer]]

XAPHAN: What’s that???

MISROCH: That’s Asmoraius.

XAPHAN: He sounds different.

MISROCH: He’s playing a guitar, genius. The band practices right over there.

XAPHAN: We’re practicing in the food court?

MISROCH: We, does not include you. And no, we practice over in the Keytars and More. Because it's free!

XAPHAN: Asmoraius told me that nothing on earth is free.

MISROCH: Yeah well, we have an in with the manager. Hornblas convinced her I was the unknown drummer for Metallica before they were famous. So, free.

XAPHAN: Hm. This place seems “uncool”.

MISROCH: And how do you know what’s cool?

XAPHAN: I’ve been talking to Belzagor. She understands “The Cool”.

MISROCH: So do I!

XAPHAN: She said you don’t.

MISROCH: [mumbling] She just looks cool. There’s a difference.

[[SFX: HORBLAS’S voice is heard speaking from the other side of the gate]]

MISROCH: Wait. Do you hear... Is that Hornblas? Is he in there? I’m going to KILL HIM. Help me lift this gate.

[[SFX: The metal gate rattles as MISROCH lifts it. The following dialogue is heard from a cassette tape]]

BELZAGOR: [closer to the cassette player, setting it up] It’s a cassette recorder from work. I wanna record today’s practice.

HORNBLAS: Woah That’s a great idea. Let’s fuck this uuuuup!

[[SFX: A wailing guitar lick from the recording]]

HORNBLAS: Yeeeah, Asmo, that’s what I’m talking about!

ASMORAIUS: I do love a good guitar lick. I like any lick actually.

HORNBLAS: Wait! Wait! Stop recording. I wanna go back and see what it sounds like if we play that riff backwards.

BELZAGOR: Oh shit that’s a great idea. Hang on--

[[SFX: The tape player clicks and the recording ends]]

ASMORAIUS: Oh yeah! I remember that riff.

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS imitates the riff from the recording with his guitar under the dialogue]]

MISROCH: Why are you listening to that?

BELZAGOR: I just remembered we had it. We recorded like every rehearsal for a few weeks back in the summer, remember? I really liked that riff. What if I played this under it?

[[SFX: BELZAGOR plays a bass line that complements the riff]]

XAPHAN: [amazed] Oh! Such vibrations...

MISROCH: They’re just showing off.

ASMORAIUS: Guilty. We haven’t played for anyone since...

BELZAGOR: That show at the DMV in New Haven? I still have dreams about that cowbell.

XAPHAN: I want to make noise. Belzagor. Give me the serious big guitar.

BELZAGOR: Hey, don’t touch my bass! Down. Git!

MISROCH: Xaphan, you can read, right? There’s about a zillion books about music over there on that wall. Go teach yourself something.

XAPHAN: [shudders] ...Learning...

MISROCH: Great. Let me just grab my drumsticks and we can get started.

[[SFX: The drumsticks click together as MISROCH picks them up]]

BELZAGOR: Nope. Hornblas isn’t here yet.

MISROCH: He's not coming, Belzagor. He's not even in this sector.

BELZAGOR: What?

ASMORAIUS: Carpasinus called. [[SFX: They stop playing music]] Apparently, Hornblas is... elsewhere.

BELZAGOR: Elsewhere? Like, where?

ASMORAIUS: I don’t know. Carpasinus is coming up tomorrow to question us about it. He said Horblas didn’t buy a ticket back to hell.

BELZAGOR: Of course he didn't. He doesn’t have like, any sincoins. Plus he hates it in Hell.

XAPHAN: I have a question. Do you have a “ksailopuhoanee?”

BELZAGOR: It’s pronounced “xylophone”. Maybe read a different book...

ASMORAIUS: Also, Belzagor, Carpasinus said Xaphan is staying.

BELZAGOR: What??

XAPHAN: [singing] I AM HORNBLAS’S REPLACEMENT!

MISROCH: Oh, you don’t say.

BELZAGOR: Somethings fucked up. A bunch of Hell’s systems are whacked out right now. Look!

[[SFX: BELZAGOR shakes the small, thin sincoins in her hand]]

MISROCH: Sincoins? When did you decide to start earning sin coins?

BELZAGOR: [suspiciously] No. That’s just it. I didn’t earn them. I got five of them this morning when I was restocking the shelves at Gadgethut.

XAPHAN: Five sins!

BELZAGOR: No, Xaphan. I didn’t cause any sins. That’s the weird part.

ASMORAIUS: What do they say they're for?

BELZAGOR: They're all super random. Like, "Had a tantrum in public" or "idolized demonic artifacts" and shit like that. They've got nothing to do with me. I think everything is screwy right now.

MISROCH: Maybe that’s why Xaphan didn't have a proper orientation before being sent up to Earth...

XAPHAN: What’s an orientation?

ASMORAIUS: We’ll, it’s all about you you like to f-

MISROCH: Also, I have a theory that Carpasinus is trying to sabotage us so we won’t play the Y2K gig.

XAPHAN: Ooh! I want to play the Y2K gig! Is it loud?

BELZAGOR: The Y2K gig isn’t an instrument, Xaphan.

ASMORAIUS: It’s a party at the end of the millenium! The year 2000! When we break everything!

XAPHAN: Explain.

BELZAGOR: Okay fine. [sighs] Basically Hell is gonna get together for a big party, and we’re gonna fuck up all of the technology systems on earth plunging everything into darkness. This is the first step in a big plan to regain control over the earth for Evil.

XAPHAN: I want to go.

BELZAGOR: You will. It’s mandatory. Hornblas will summon every single demon to the inner sanctum at the same time. With all of us in the same place, we'll have a strong enough evil density to pull it off. Then all electronics on earth will-

ASMORAIUS: Explode! The party will be incredible, More importantly, our band is opening for The Reckoning!

MISROCH: Only because Hornblas has to be there to summon everyone. With his “special ability.”

BELZAGOR: He pulled some strings for us so we can play. He’s cool. You’ll like him.

XAPHAN: I understand the cool.

BELZAGOR: Wait. That’s it!

XAPHAN: That’s it! I’m in the band!

BELZAGOR: What? No. Everything is glitching because of Y2K. Think about it.

ASMORAIUS: I can say with the utmost certainty that I have absolutely no idea how any of this works. But that does sound real.

BELZAGOR: Y2K is a week away. I don’t think it’s a coincidence.

MISROCH: But that doesn’t explain Hornblas being gone.

ASMORAIUS: Maybe he’s... planning something! Like the time convinced a mariachi band to play in Weiner World for Halloween?

MISROCH: I did not ask for that.

BELZAGOR: It took him 2 days to travel to Spain and back for us, don’t be ungrateful.

ASMORAIUS: He does have a tendency to show up at the last minute and with a grand surprise!

MISROCH: Ugh. That gives me anxiety. When he gets here, I’m murdering him.

[[SFX: MISROCH picks up their drumsticks and starts playing a bet on the drum kit]]

ASMORAIUS: Yes! Music! Revelry! Murder!

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS joins playing on his guitar]]

BELZAGOR: Fine. He’ll be here soon anyways.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR joins in on her bass. The band is in sync]]

XAPHAN: Yes! More noise!

[[SFX: The metal gate at the front of the store unlocks and opens as they start the song]]

TRENT: [yelling over the music] Hello? 

[[SFX: They stop playing abruptly. The “ding dong” of the automatic door is heard as TRENT walks through]]

MISROCH: What the-?

TRENT: Hello??

BELZAGOR: Um. You can’t be in here. The mall’s closed dude.

TRENT: Oh, I know! I didn’t mean to intrude. I heard music and had to come check it out. I brought Christmas Cookies!

ASMORAIUS: Hot Topic Guy?

TRENT: —Oh! It’s you! The Carousel Operator. Asmoraius, isn’t it?

ASMORAIUS: Why yes. You remembered.

TRENT: You’re hard to forget.

XAPHAN: You... smell funny. Are you Hornblas?

BELZAGOR: No. He’s not Hornblas.

TRENT: I’m Trent! Nice to meet all of you. My goodness, are you all in a band?

MISROCH: Asmo, you said you know this guy?

ASMORAIUS: Yes I do. We met at the carousel. He works at Hot Topic.

MISROCH: [nervously] ...he’s wearing khakis.

BELZAGOR: And like three polo shirts. Ugh, my eyes!

TRENT: Haha, yeah, I get that all the time.

BELZAGOR: I think I might be sick.

XAPHAN: Your clothes are horrible!

MISROCH: Xaphan, shhhh. Have another weiner.

[[SFX: XAPHAN catches the throw weiner in her mouth and eats it]]

ASMORAIUS: Trent, my colorful muscled friend, what are you doing in the mall so late? On Christmas Eve no less?

TRENT: Oh, it’s a funny story actually. I was stuck at work late untangling all of the chain wallets. It took me hours! But, anyways, since I’m here... Asmoraius. I have a question for you. You’ve been on my mind ever since I saved you from that horrible accident with the carousel. You're just so... different! I'd love the chance to get to know you better.

ASMORAIUS: Oh! Well, I’m flattered you young, pink thing. What did you have in mind?

MISROCH: Is now really the time?

ASMORAIUS: Shh. Let him finish.

TRENT: Asmoraius. There’s a light up Christmas display downtown near all the abandoned mom-and-pop places that couldn’t compete with the shopping mall and closed down. I’ve never had to work over Christmas before, and I’d love to spend it with someone... special. Would you... want to go stroll through it with me? With some hot chocolate?

ASMORAIUS: Well, I’m not a huge fan of um.. Christmas...

TRENT: Well, we don't have to stay there. We could... see where the night takes us?

ASMORAIUS: I take it back, I think I might like Christmas very much.

TRENT: Come with me now?

ASMORAIUS: NOW?! Oh, how spontaneous! And exciting!

MISROCH: Hold up. You’re busy, Asmoriaus.

TRENT: Oh that’s right, I’d hate to take you away from your band practice.

ASMORAIUS: [with vitriol] Oh, don’t worry about that at ALL. We were just... tinkering around, having fun. Besides, Our lead singer didn’t show, he may never show again, so we have nothing to practice anyway. Toodles everyone!

MISROCH: Asmo, are you serious?

ASMORAIUS: Extremely. See you all tomorrow!

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS unplugs his guitar from the amp. They walk towards the door]]

TRENT: Make good choices you artists, you! 

[[SFX: Door chime as ASMORAIUS leaves]]

TRENT: Here, I’ll leave the cookies right here. I don’t normally condone junk food, but it’s a holiday! Oh man, I do love Christmas. Have fun!

[[SFX: Door chime. They close the gate]] 

XAPHAN: What just happened?

MISROCH: And this is why Asmoraius is the’s the fucking worst!

XAPHAN: I thought you said Carpasinus was the worst.

MISROCH: Xaphan, I swear to Lucifer-

[[SFX: Sin coin ding]]

BELZAGOR: Oh shit.

MISROCH: What?

BELZAGOR: I just got another one.

XAPHAN: A new sin?

BELZAGOR: See? It’s broken. I didn’t do anything just now and I got a sincoin for no reason.

XAPHAN: What does it say?

BELZAGOR: This one says “Sin: Caused child to commit fatal violence against their caretaker in pursuit of a Christmas present. Category DX9AK. Major Sin.” Why does everything have to do with Christmas?

MISROCH: That's bizarre.

BELZAGOR: Everything's so fucked.

XAPHAN: [in awe] Everything is fucked! Chaos reigns and the rules mean nothing! PLAY MORE MUSIC!

BELZAGOR: You know what? Yeah. Fuck it. I can get behind that!

[[SFX: BELAGOR starts to play a demented version of the Jingle Bells melody]]

MISROCH: Yeah! FUCK ASMORAIUS. FUCK EVERYTHING!

[[SFX: MISROCH plays a drum fill]]

XAPHAN: I WILL JOIN.

[[SFX: XAPHAN plays the xylophone haphazardly and out of sync]]

BELZAGOR: Xaphan stop it. You’re ruining the moment.

XAPHAN: I am a GOD OF ROCK AND ROLL.

[[SFX: The music fades]]

-- SCENE 05 --

[[SFX: HORNBLAS is heard through a recording]]

HORNBLAS: Hey Belz, it’s me. Your favorite demon in the world. I have so much explaining to do. Where do I start? Um... Okay, so first. I stole your cassette recorder thing. Second, I’ve hatched an evil plan. I’m going to hide it under the counter of Weiner World so I can secretly get a recording of Misroch screaming at someone like they always do. Then I’m gonna transcribe exactly what they said and turn it into the lyrics for our next song! I know. I know. I’m a genius. You don’t have to-

[[SFX: MISROCH bursts through the door. BELZAGOR stops the tape.]]

MISROCH: Belzagor? Did you eat my leftovers?

BELZAGOR: No.

MISROCH: What are you doing?

BELZAGOR: I’m listening to something, go away.

MISROCH: Fine. Whatever. [[SFX: From a distance]] Asmoraius??? Did you eat my leftovers?

ASMORAIUS: [in the other room] Probably!

[[SFX: The door closes behind MISROCH]] 

[BELZAGOR sighs. She rewinds and starts replaying the recording of Hornblas]

HORNBLAS: Hey Belz, it’s me. Your favorite demon in the world. I have so much explaining to do. Where do I start?...

[[SFX: HORBLAS’S voice fades.]]

[[MUSIC: Musical Outro - Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song plays over credits]]

-- CREDITS -- 

KRISTEN DIMERCURIO: Demons and Mortals alike, thank you for listening to episode four of Brimstone Valley Mall!

This show was written and directed by Kristen DiMercurio. Hey! That’s me!

It was co-written by Mark Wolf Roberts and Talia Rochmann

This episode was sound designed by Jared Paul, and recorded by Jared Paul and James Schoen.

In this episode you heard:

Asmoraius, played by Mark Wolf Roberts
Trainee, played by Regina Russell 
Xaphan, played by Isa Braun
Misroch, played by Elliot Gindi
Belzagor, played by Susannah Wilson
Carpasinus and Trent, played by Christopher Trindade
Hornblas, played by Sheldon Brown
and the Mall Announcements, played by yours truly.
Additional voices were played by Griselle Osses and Zach Ehrlich.

Our theme music is written and performed by FM Buller.

Our show art is designed by Talia Rochmann.

Brimstone Valley Mall is produced by Kristen DiMercurio, with Production Consulting by Julia Schifini.

It’s Executive Produced by Mischa Stanton for the Whisperforge.

We’d like to take a moment to shout out some of the incredible patrons who donated to our indiegogo. Seriously guys, without them the whole show wouldn’t have been possible. So we’d like to give a big high-five from hell to: Lisa Flanagan, Camila Osses, Elena Ferrari, Phoebe A. Seiders, Amanda Spinella, Caroline Mincks, Chayenne Bramwell, Cesar Muñoz, Abigail Sheppard, Conrad Miszuk, Christina Orlando, Jennifer Murray, Jennifer Hilmoe, Zack Velenti, Brian Marino, Michael Hudson, and Jean DiMercurio. Thanks mom.  

Want more good good demon content? You can follow us on twitter @bvmpod, and facebook, instagram, and tumblr at brimstonevalleymall.

Episode five of Brimstone Valley Mall will air on Thursday, January 30th.

Now head on over to the food court, because today’s Weiner World Special Is: The Boob Burger. With, ironically, no buns!