A PRODUCT OF THE WHISPERFORGE, SOUND AND STORY BROUGHT TO LIFE

[[SFX: Whirr of an old Answering Machine. BEEP]]

HORNBLAS: Hey, this is Hornblas, lead singer of Mall Rat. Misroch, Asmoraias, Belzagor and I aren’t home, so leave us a message.

[[MUSIC: A Rockin’ 90’s bass line begins underneath Hornblas’ message.]]

HORNBLAS: None of us are demons by the way. Definitely not from Hell. Okay. Cool. You know what to do.

[[MUSIC: Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song. Rock guitar and drums join the bass.]]

-- SCENE 01 --

VOICEMAIL GREETING: You have one new message. Received Thursday, December 23rd at 9:48 AM.

[[SFX: answering machine beeps]]   

MISROCH: Carpasinus! Hi. Misroch here, with one soul, not two. I know you didn’t recommend calling you back but I am. Because I do, in fact, have a question. Um. Who the fuck is this rando demon you sent up here to “replace” Hornblas? She’s --

XAPHAN: Who are you talking to?

MISROCH: It’s Hell, we’re sending you back.

XAPHAN: That’s not Hell. That’s an object.

MISROCH: It’s called a PHONE.

XAPHAN: ...What’s a phone!?

MISROCH: Why don’t you go back to staring silently into the fryer, huh? Could you do that for me for two whole seconds? [back to phone] Listen, Carpasinus, Carpy, Carp-man - Uh, Carpasinus, I don’t know what quiet corner of Hell you found her in, but there’s something seriously wrong with this demon. It’s like she fell into the depths yesterday! She doesn’t know what anything is or how anything works. I don’t even think she knows what she’s doing up here. I’m am politely requesting that you override her draft to the surface, and take her back. Everything is fine. Hornblas isn’t missing. He was just… in his room!

XAPHAN: You said he wasn’t in his room!

MISROCH: [quickly] There’s nothing to worry about!

XAPHAN: You said you were worried!

MISROCH: Xaphan! I’m going to rip you limb from- HEY! HEY! Put those wieners down!

[[SFX: MISROCH hangs up. A guitar lick fades in]]

-- SCENE 02 --

[[SFX: announcer voice booming over a loudspeaker over ambient mall noise]]

ANNOUNCER VOICE: Attention Brimstone Valley Mall shoppers! Don’t forget to keep an eye out for the most important man on earth! That’s right! Santa is here, in the mall from 1-4 today! He’ll be wandering aimlessly around the shops, just waiting for you to come say hi and tell him what you want for Christmas. Celebrating something other than Christmas this year? Who cares? It’s the 90s, and inclusivity isn’t really a thing yet! So no matter what holidays you ascribe to, make sure you talk to Santa! For capitalism!

[[SFX: an electronic, “ding dong” chime as someone walks through the door into GadgetHut. It’s a little quieter here; faint sounds of people in the main part of the mall]]

BELZAGOR: Hi, welcome to GadgetHut, can I help you find something?

PATRON 3: Yes, I’m looking to buy one of those new-fangled cellular phones. Do you carry them?

BELZAGOR: We do, but honestly, I wouldn’t bother if I was you.

PATRON 3: Wait. Really?

BELZAGOR: Look, I know I’m supposed to sell you things, but between you and me? Save your money. They’re just a trend and I don’t really see them becoming a thing. Besides, we already have pagers.

PATRON 3: Well they seem like a pretty good idea to me.

BELZAGOR: I thought the same thing when I invented one a few years ago, but then I got drunk and scrapped it.

PATRON 3: You invented the cell phone?

BELZAGOR: A smart phone actually. But then I scrapped it. Some human got the same idea a few years later. And they were dumb enough to go through with it.

PATRON 3: You think it’s dumb?

BELZAGOR: Yeah. Think about it for like two seconds. Do you really want people to be able to contact you all the time?

PATRON 3: Well—

BELZAGOR: It will be non-stop communication. You'll never be able to use the “Oh, I wasn’t home” excuse ever again. People will be able to call you no matter where you are. There will be no respite, no escaping the drudgery of obligation to people you don’t even really want to talk to. No off hours, no privacy, your entire life is now accessible at any time.

PATRON 3: Well I… I never thought about it that way -

BELZAGOR: Just picture this: You have a mother, right? Most humans do. Doesn’t your mother want you to call her? Maybe she’s calling you right now, but you’re not home. So she leaves you a voicemail. And hey, she’s okay with that because she knows you can’t be home all the time. But, if you got a cell phone, she could call you while you’re at work, on a walk, in the toilet, anywhere. And you would have to answer. Because if you don’t, she’ll know it’s not because you’re away from the phone, but because you actively don’t want to talk to her. Maybe you don’t love her. Don’t you love her? Don’t you love your mom? She raised you. She gave up a life of independence and adventure so she could feed you and clothe you and teach you, and you don’t even want to talk to her???

PATRON 3: Um..

BELZAGOR: [lightly] Also the ringtones are really annoying.

PATRON 3: Oh.

BELZAGOR: Maybe you’d rather buy this electronic handheld solitaire?

[[SFX: beeps and boops of electronic solitaire]]

BELZAGOR: It’s great for when you’re waiting in line or sitting on the bus. And it has plenty of buttons.

[[SFX: The patron takes it, starts playing. Little 16bit beeps and boops]]

PATRON 3: [excited] I do love buttons.

BELZAGOR: [dryly] I’ll ring you up.

PATRON 3: Why, thank you!

[[SFX: the ring of the cash register opening]]

BELZAGOR: There you go.

PATRON 3: Thank you, Thank you so much for keeping me from making a horrible mistake! I haven’t talked to my mother since—

BELZAGOR: You’re welcome. Please don’t tell a living soul that I was nice to a human.

PATRON 3: Okay.

[[SFX: solitaire shuffling sounds are heard quietly]]

BELZAGOR: Oh shit my friends are coming. Quick. Leave.

PATRON 3: Wait, I just drew an ace!

[[SFX: Door chime. Xaphan and Misroch are heard from the doorway]]

XAPHAN: WOAH! What was that sound?

MISROCH: That was the door.

XAPHAN: But there is no door.

MISROCH: It’s a sensor on the floor, you moron. Belz! Do you have a second?

BELZAGOR: Um. Yeah, hang on. Hey! You! Human!

PATRON 3: Why do you keep calling me that?

BELZAGOR: Get out of here and never come back! Unless you’re like.. Sinning or something!

PATRON 3: Wait, what?

BELZAGOR: Go! Get out of here! Git!

PATRON 3: Okay okay. Yeesh... Thanks for the solitaire!

BELZAGOR: Don’t thank me! Just y’know. Go!

PATRON 3: Bye.

[[SFX: they leave, still playing the game, chiming of door bell as they go]]

XAPHAN: Fascinating. It dings on the way in and the way out!

MISROCH: Belzagor. You can cut the act. We both know you probably just helped that human out.

[[SFX: chime]]

BELZAGOR: You have no proof of that. I see you brought the new girl.

[[SFX: chime]]

MISROCH: Don’t call her that. It makes it sound like she’s sticking around.

XAPHAN: I don’t understand how it works!

[[SFX: chime]] MISROCH: Xaphan. Stop it.

XAPHAN: You can’t see anything!

BELZAGOR: It’s an invisible sensor.

[[SFX: chime]] 

XAPHAN: It doesn’t make any sense! There’s nothing there!

[[SFX: chime]]

MISROCH: Leaping Lucifer will you STOP THAT?

[[SFX: incessant chiming]] 

MISROCH: Okay that’s it. get. over. here.

[[SFX: MISROCH pulls XAPHAN over to the desk, XAPHAN protests, and the chiming stops]]

MISROCH: I am not against putting you on a leash.

XAPHAN: What’s a leash?

MISROCH: Belzagor, I swear to Satan I’m going to chop her up into a million pieces.

BELZAGOR: Cut her some slack, she was just sent up from Hell last night. And Earth is like. Objectively weird. Like how ice cream is milk, but it’s solid. And you get it from cows. Without asking.

MISROCH: Belz. She doesn’t know how anything works! NOTHING. She has asked me about every single fucking thing she sees. All. Morning. The only thing that shuts her up is food!

BELZAGOR: Well, then at least she doesn’t talk with her mouth full.

XAPHAN: Can we go back to Wiener World? I’d like another “five finger corndog.”

MISROCH: No! You ate half the stock!

XAPHAN: Eating’s fun. Today was my first time eating.

BELZAGOR: Eating... a corn dog?

XAPHAN: No. Just eating.

BELZAGOR: Wow. That’s.. Genuinely strange. Did you not know that demons can eat? If they want?

XAPHAN: I did not know this.

BELZAGOR: [in awe] Who are you?

XAPHAN: I’m Xaphan. I’m Hornblas’s replacement.

MISROCH: Yeah yeah yeah, you’ve said that already. Belz, she’s horrible. I would literally rather work with Hornblas. We need to send her back.

XAPHAN: You.. don’t like me?

MISROCH: Of course I don’t. And if you do not stop asking me stupid questions, I am going to dip you in my fryer very slowly. Eyeballs first.

BELZAGOR: She has to know some things. Like in general.

MISROCH: I legitimately don’t think she does.

BELZAGOR: Did you ask her any questions?

MISROCH: And encourage her to talk more? No!

BELZAGOR: Alright, chillax. Let me handle this.

[[SFX: knuckles cracking]]

BELZAGOR: [like to a child] Xaphan, what do you... know?

XAPHAN: I’m Xaphan. I’m Hornblas’s replacement.

BELZAGOR: Yeah. We’ve gathered that. Which is a mistake, by the way you’re not his replacement. He’s irreplaceable.

XAPHAN: I’m not his replacement?

BELZAGOR: No, because he’s not gone. He’s just… missing.

XAPHAN: Isn’t that the same thing?

MISROCH: She has a point.

BELZAGOR: We’re working on it. Xaphan, What was your job back in Hell?

XAPHAN: [grandly] I am Xaphan, stoker of the bellows of the flames of Hell.

BELZAGOR: Okay. What else?

XAPHAN: What do you mean what else?

BELZAGOR: That’s all you did? Stoke the bellows?

XAPHAN: Yes.

BELZAGOR: For… aeons?

XAPHAN: Yes.

MISROCH: What even is a bellow?

XAPHAN: A bellow is a device with an airbag that emits a stream of air when squeezed together with two handles, used for blowing air into a fire.

BELZAGOR: Huh… Well she knew that at least.

MISROCH: I didn’t know she was capable of compound sentences.

BELZAGOR: Xaphan, who did you work with in Hell?

XAPHAN: ...The flames?

BELZAGOR: Not what, who?

XAPHAN: I- I don’t comprehend the question.

MISROCH: Who did you work with?

BELZAGOR: Wait, let’s try this. Who were your friends?

XAPHAN: I don’t-- don’t, understand.

MISROCH: This is a waste of time.

BELZAGOR: Misroch, I think what she’s saying is she doesn’t really… interact… with anyone. Maybe ever! Xaphan, before you came up here, when was the last time you spoke to another demon?

XAPHAN: Hm, Uh... [clicks her tounge] Oh! Just after the Fall From Heaven. When I was assigned to the bellows.

BELZAGOR: That was thousands and thousands of years ago...

MISROCH: You just squeezed air out of a bag for thousands of years?

XAPHAN: [excited] Yes!

MISROCH: Alone.

XAPHAN: Yes.

BELZAGOR: Huh. Well, that explains why her arms are so jacked.

MISROCH: Woah. How did I not notice that?

BELZAGOR: I honestly don’t know. They’re enormous.

XAPHAN: [lifting her arms] These are my arms!

MISROCH: Okay. That’s enough.

BELZAGOR: Put the guns down, you’re gonna poke someone’s eyes out.

MISROCH: I can’t imagine what they look like in her demonskin.

XAPHAN: Like this.

[[SFX: XAPHAN’s demon morphing sound. consists of lots of flames, crackling, and wind sounds mixed in. Xaphans voice turns into a layered, dissonant demon voice]]

XAPHAN: THESE ARE MY REAL ARMS.

MISROCH: WOAH HEY STOP!

BELZAGOR: [overlapping] XAPHAN NO! STOP IT! CHANGE BACK CHANGE BACK!!

XAPHAN: Why?

BELZAGOR: Change back right now!

XAPHAN: But my arms are much bigger this way!

MISROCH: If you don’t switch back, I’ll never give you a corn dog again!

[[SFX: Xaphan immediately morphs back in a rushed manner]]

XAPHAN: I love the corndog.

BELZAGOR: Lucifer! you can’t just shed your humanskin like that. There are people here!

XAPHAN: You said you hate people.

MISROCH: All demons hate people.

BELZAGOR: [sheepishly] Haha. Yeah. Definitely. All demons hate people. It’s a thing... Oh shit, Xaphan! You melted all the Palm Pilots!

XAPHAN: What’s a palm pilot?

BELZAGOR: Uugh.

MISROCH: You see how frustrating this is?

XAPHAN: Yes.

MISROCH: Not YOU. Belzagor, will you take her for the rest of the day? I can’t run the kitchen with two idiots in it. Between her and Trainee…

BELZAGOR: What? She can’t stay here. I’m working too!

MISROCH: Yes, but you’re not working around hot oil!

BELZAGOR: What does that have to do with anything?

MISROCH: She won’t stop crawling under the fryers trying to figure out “Where the fire is coming from!”

XAPHAN: It makes no sense, no one is blowing the bellows.

BELZAGOR: I can’t just babysit her here! What if she melts more merchandise?!

XAPHAN: Everyone is yelling.

[[SFX: Door chime. Asmorias is heard as he approaches the inside of GadgetHut]]

ASMORAIUS: Knock knock!

BELZAGOR: Asmoraius!!

ASMORAIUS: Belzagor, Misroch!

XAPHAN [quietly to herself]: Xaphan.

ASMORAIUS: And how are you fine demons this afternoon?

XAPHAN: The door makes a sound when you walk through it. Even though there is no door. And we say Knock-knock when we walk through it? Hmm… [[SFX: chime]] Knock knock [[SFX: chime]] Knock knock [[SFX: chime]]

ASMORAIUS: [clapping] Yes, that’s the spirit! Announce to the world your presence, young one!

MISROCH: I can’t do this. I’m not dealing with her for another second. Belz, she’s yours for the rest of the day.

BELZAGOR: What?!

MISROCH: I’m leaving!

ASMORAIUS: But I just got here!

BELZAGOR: [groaning] Misroch, NO!

MISROCH: Good luck with that!

[[SFX: door chime as MISROCH EXITS, a beat]]

XAPHAN: [whispers] They forgot to say Knock Knock.

BELZAGOR: Lilith’s beard.

ASMORAIUS: Well someone’s in a foul mood today. Is there a reason neither of you want to hang out with the new girl?

BELZAGOR: Don’t call her that. It makes it sound like she’s sticking around.

XAPHAN: Where else am I going?

BELZAGOR: Back to Hell!

XAPHAN: When?

BELZAGOR: I don’t know! But you’re not supposed to be here.

XAPHAN: Then why am I here?

BELZAGOR: There was some kind of mistake!!

ASMORAIUS: [pouty] Belzagor, you seem tense. Is now a bad time to ask you a quick favor?

BELZAGOR: [sharp] Yes! Now is a bad time! I just got stuck babysitting a fire demon, and my best friend is missing!

ASMORAIUS: But it’s about the carousel!

XAPHAN: What’s a carousel?

ASMORAIUS: What’s a carousel? Oh, you poor creature, have you never seen a carousel?

XAPHAN: I’ve never seen anything.

ASMORAIUS: Well, we’ll have to remedy that, right away! Except, my carousel is still broken down after yesterday’s tragic and completely unavoidable accident. Which I was hoping Belzagor here would repair for me. She’s so handy with that sort of thing.

BELZAGOR: Wait. Does that mean you’re not working today?

ASMORAIUS: Well I can’t work if the carousel is broken, now can I? How silly.

BELZAGOR: Then take her.

ASMORAIUS: Pardon?

BELZAGOR: Xaphan. PLEASE take Xaphan.

XAPHAN: Take me where?

BELZAGOR: [tense] Asmoraius. She spent thousands of years by herself. She’s never spoken to anyone. She only ever had one job which was to-

XAPHAN: Stoke the bellows of the flames of Hell!! I know that one!

BELZAGOR: Asmo, It’s literally all she knows. She needs someone to... [a beat] counsel her. Show her the ropes. And besides she keeps melting all the gadgets. So for today, can you just… show her how things work up here? I can’t think of a better demon for the job.

XAPHAN: I would like that.

ASMORAIUS: Why, of course you knowledgless thing! It would be my pleasure.

BELZAGOR: That’s rad, okay if you guys could get out of here like now, I’d love some peace and quiet

[[SFX: The sounds of a SIN COIN appearing in front of them. A demonic twist on the classic Mario coin sound]] 

BELZAGOR: - What the?

XAPHAN: Is that a knock knock?

BELZAGOR: No it’s… That’s so weird. I guess I just earned a sin coin?

ASMORAIUS: What? Just now?

BELZAGOR: I mean, it’s here in my hand. It’s still warm.

ASMORAIUS: How?

BELZAGOR: I… have no idea. I didn’t do anything. I was right here. You saw me.

XAPHAN: What’s a sin coin?

ASMORAIUS: Xaphan, did Carpasinus not tell you about sin coins?

XAPHAN: I don’t know “Carpasinus.”

BELZAGOR: OKAY WOW, That’s- Who gave you this assignment?

XAPHAN: His name was Intern. He laughed a lot.

BELZAGOR: Satan, what a fucking mess. Okay, I don’t want to have to give her a lecture on Rules of Hell 101. Asmoriaus, can you please? Just take her for the afternoon? Atleast to like… the other side of the mall? Or something?

XAPHAN: What’s a mall?

ASMORAIUS: Well, a mall is where humans- 

BELZAGOR: LEAVE. FIRST. LIFE. LESSONS. LATER.

ASMORAIUS: Okay okay! Touchy. I’m happy to take her, and you’ll owe me a small favor in return, regarding the repairs on the carousel?

BELZAGOR: [exasperated] Yes. Whatever you want.

ASMORAIUS: [growling] Excellent.! I’ll hold you to that. Now come along, young Xaphan! It’s time for a little talk I like to call, the birds and the bees.

[[SFX: they walk out of the store, two door chime noises, Xaphan comes back in and out making it ding more]]

XAPHAN: Knock knock! It does it every time!

ASMORAIUS: Oh! I love fun. Knock Knock!

[[SFX: chime]]

BELZAGOR: BOTH OF YOU GET OUT!

ASMORAIUS: [from far away]] Bye!

XAPHAN: Farewell.

BELZAGOR: [[SFX: exhales]] Okay. Now, what did I do to deserve this?

[[SFX: BELZAGOR flips the coin in her hands]]

-- SCENE 03 --

[[SFX: Fade into the sounds of the mall’s main promenade[

ANNOUNCER VOICE: Attention Brimstone Valley Mall shoppers! It’s that time again. Are you ready to be the coolest kid in school? Instantly be popular and one dimensional when you shop at Canadian Egret, Lollister, or Prepercrombie and Binch! Not cool enough to pull off that Preppy style? Then we’ve got somewhere for you too, Nerd! Stop on by Borderline Personality Bookstore! Now with a cafe! For nerds! Thanks again for shopping at Brimstone Valley Mall!

XAPHAN: Where are we going?

ASMORAIUS: Well, since the carousel is broken down, allow me to introduce you to the next best thing this mediocre shopping outlet has to offer. Welcome, Xaphan, to the Arcade!

[[SFX: The sound of an arcade. Lots of beeps and boops and zings and clinks, with electro music coming from multiple arcade cabinets]]

XAPHAN: It’s loud here.

ASMORAIUS: Loud with the sounds of minors legally gambling! Isn’t it beautiful?

XAPHAN: So many colors.

ASMORAIUS: Now, follow me this way. We’re going to play a little arcade game that will teach you all about the balance between the forces of good and evil. Take a look at this little number.

[[SFX: A spoof on the mortal kombat theme music]]

XAPHAN: “Moral Kombat: Chaotic Neutral Edition?”

ASMORAIUS: Oh good, you can read.

XAPHAN: Yes. I learned when—

ASMORAIUS: One less thing to cover. Now hold our spot here and don’t let anyone else play the game until I get back. I’ll find an arcade employee and rustle us up some tokens.

XAPHAN: I shall guard it with my life.

ASMORAIUS: Excellent. One moment please!

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS walks across the arcade to an employee,]]

ASMORAIUS: Oh, hello there, arcade employee.

ARCADE EMPLOYEE: Um.. hi.

ASMORAIUS: My goodness, what a large, heavy looking money-changer you have there on your belt. It’s so… cylindrical.

ARCADE EMPLOYEE: [nasaly] Thank… you. Uh, would you like to buy some game tokens?

ASMORAIUS: Oh, buy tokens? My delicious morsel, you deserve much more than money. With your oily hair, slick skin and pale, bony frame. [[SFX: Asmorias’ demonic voice slowly fades in]] All I want is to look deeply into your eyes, your commonplace, regular human eyes. Windows to your soul.

ARCADE EMPLOYEE: [hypnotized, a little flustered] Oh. Uh… Wow. Uh Thank you.

[[SFX: a muffled heartbeat is heard as Asmorius puts a spell on the employee]]

ASMORAIUS: Don’t thank me yet. How about I relieve you of the burden of those heavy game tokens tugging at on your belt?

ARCADE EMPLOYEE: [whispering] Take them. Take anything you want.

[[SFX: Handing over several cylinders of tokens of coins]]

ASMORAIUS: [[SFX: back to his human voice]] Perfect. Call me sometime you luscious thing.

ARCADE EMPLOYEE: Wow…

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS walks away with the tokens. Then PATRON 4 approaches from the other side]]

PATRON 4: Hey dude, I need to buy some more tokens. Woah. Where’s your token belt?

ARCADE EMPLOYEE: Huh?

PATRON 4: Dude are you okay? You look a little dazed...

ARCADE EMPLOYEE: I..I’m gonna ask if I can go home early... I… I think I need to change my clothes.

[[SFX: Mortal Kombat spoof music fades up, and then a sin coin ding]]

ASMORAIUS: A sin coin for me? Mmm, I still got it.

XAPHAN: Where did that come from?

ASMORAIUS: The game tokens? I just glamoured them away from that greasy arcade employee.

XAPHAN: Not the game tokens, the other one. The one that just appeared in your hand. Like Belzagor’s. With the “ding” sound?

ASMORAIUS: Oh, we’ll get to that later. Let’s start simple. So. Xaphan, let’s get Moral Kombat fired up!

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS puts two coins into the game. The game’s narrator announces the characters names under the dialouge]]

ASMORAIUS: (CONT'D) Now, for your first lesson. You’re at least familiar with Satan, and “The Big Guy Upstairs”?

XAPHAN: The arcade has an upstairs?

ASMORAIUS: No. You know, “The Big Guy Upstairs.” THE BIG ONE. The big kahuna. Looking down on us from Heaven

XAPHAN: OH! You mean Go-?

ASMORAIUS: [screeches]

[[SFX: slaps XAPHAN dramatically]]

XAPHAN: Gah!

[[SFX: XAPHAN Spits]] 

ASMORAIUS: DON’T SAY HIS NAME, DO YOU WANT US TO BURST INTO FLAMES?

XAPHAN: I like flames...

ASMORAIUS: Not these kinds of flames you wouldn’t. My goodness you really are clueless.

XAPHAN: Yes.

ASMORAIUS: Alright, we’ll have to cover everything. Right then.... hmm... let’s pretend I am Satan, and you are the big guy upstairs.

XAPHAN: Why do you get to be Satan?

ASMORAIUS: Because I’m telling the story. Now, we each have to pick our fighters. I’ll be Scorpio and you be Rayden.

XAPHAN: But I like the one with the mask!

ASMORAIUS: Too bad.

XAPHAN: Hmph.

ASMORAIUS: Alright, let’s queue up this fight. 

[[SFX: The game announcer cries “Moral Kombaaaaaaaat!”]]

ASMORAIUS: This is your joystick, this is mine. Now, you and I have a long standing grudge, for as long as the Earth has existed, actually. Since that moment,  I, our dark lord and savior, fell from the clouds and into the pit. The battle began long long ago, in the garden of Eden.

XAPHAN: Where’s that?

ASMORAIUS: The details aren’t important, it’s only a story. What you do need to know, is that ever since then, I, the Dark Lord, and you, “The Big Guy Upstairs” have been sending in our fighters to battle each other for control over humanity!

XAPHAN: Demons are the devil’s fighters?

ASMORAIUS: Exactly!

XAPHAN: Oh, I like that!

ASMORAIUS: [deliciously] And the way we fight for evil, is by leading mortals to sin. Meaning, getting them to do something bad.

XAPHAN: I like that too.

ASMORAIUS: So, if Scorpio here gets someone to sin, then I land a sucker punch right into Heaven’s Guts! Like this!

[[SFX: A grunt and a punch from the video game]]

XAPHAN: Augh! HEY! I wasn’t ready!

ASMORAIUS: And for that sin, Scorpio is rewarded with a coin. To earn more coins? I’d have to strike again! 

XAPHAN: Ah!

ASMORAIUS: And again! 

XAPHAN: EEK!

ASMORAIUS: And again!

XAPHAN: Grrrr, Stop it! I don’t know how to - Oh! I jumped. Okay. That’s the jump button.

ASMORAIUS: And in return, your Rayden fellow will try and fight back in the name of heaven. By causing a mortal to do “a good deed.”

[[SFX: Grunts from the video game continue under the dialogue]]

XAPHAN: That sounds gross?

ASMORAIUS: Oh, it’s disgusting. So, for the sake of example, go ahead and strike me back.

XAPHAN: Yah! Grrrrr... Yah!

ASMORAIUS: Go on. Land one on me.

XAPHAN: GRRRRR.

ASMORAIUS: Any day now...

XAPHAN: I’m TRYING!? Your little demon man is moving everywhere.

ASMORAIUS: Well, if you did manage to hit me, that would be a metaphorical “good deed” and you would be rewarded with a coin of your own. Now, let’s say that my little Scorpio demon does his job, and earns all the coins he needs to end the round. Like so.

[[SFX: Grunting intensifies as Asmoriaus beats Xaphan]]

XAPHAN: HEY! Stop! I’m not- You’re. How are you so fast?

[[SFX: FINISH HIM]]

ASMORAIUS: [to the video game] I always do.

XAPHAN: Ah!

[[SFX: The game plays a descending melody as the announcer says “EXCELLENT!”]]

ASMORAIUS: Then, Scorpio can use all of his new coins to buy a ticket back down to Hell where he can live his normal day to day Hell life.

XAPHAN: I want to play again.

ASMORAIUS: Well, in the real battle between good and evil, there are no do-overs. It’s a random draft, and it may be thousands of years before you are called back up to Earth for another assignment.

XAPHAN: So the fight is still happening?

ASMORAIUS: Oh certainly. The fight is still happening, it has always been happening, and it will always continue to happen.

XAPHAN: [excited] Who’s winning? Heaven or Hell?

ASMORAIUS: Hard to say.

XAPHAN: Isn’t that… important?

ASMORAIUS: Meh. The score has been pretty much even as long as anyone can remember.

XAPHAN: [whispering] I want to win.

ASMORAIUS: Oh, how very ambitious of you. I like you. Well, if you’d like, you can try earning a sincoin.

XAPHAN: Show me.

ASMORAIUS: I already did. Remember when I seduced that greasy, emaciated employee? Take a look at this!

[[SFX: the sin coin clinks and flips through the air, XAPHAN catches it]]

XAPHAN: A Sin coin.

ASMORAIUS: Read it.

XAPHAN: “Sin: Experienced lustful thoughts while staring deeply into the eyes of a demon. Category X7AB. Minor Sin.”

ASMORAIUS: Yup. I still got it.

XAPHAN: This writing is so tiny! Heh.

ASMORAIUS: So if you want to earn one, you have to convince someone to do something … immoral...

XAPHAN: Oh!

ASMORAIUS: Dastardly...

XAPHAN: Hah!

ASMORAIUS: And BAD. Of course, there are all sorts of small and honestly irrelevant technical sins you could get people for. Like eating shrimp, wearing nice jewelry, touching a football, you know, that sort of thing. But I personally like to keep things spicy. And if you don’t want to die of boredom, I suggest you do the same.

XAPHAN: I can earn one?

ASMORAIUS: Of course! Let’s find you a target. Hmmm.. Who’s here?

[[SFX: the footsteps of DAMIEN and RAVEN]]

DAMIEN: Oh my god, the arcade? That’s kind of goth.

RAVEN: It’s totally goth. You know Dance Dance Retribution? They have the Nightmare Before Elm Street Special Edition.

DAMIEN: Omg! Let’s go! 

[[SFX: footsteps]]

ASMORAIUS: Oh, perfect. I despise these mortals. And they’re easy pickings. Remember what I taught you about earning sins.

XAPHAN: You didn’t teach me anything about earning sins.

ASMORAIUS: Just wing it.

XAPHAN: What does that mean?

ASMORAIUS: Make it up! Just tell them to do something bad. Tell them it’s goth, and they’ll do anything. Now, fly, my little one-winged dove. Whoo, baby, whoo.

XAPHAN: I will try.

[[SFX: DAMIEN and RAVENS dialogue fades in as the Moral Kombat music fades out. Coins rattle and arcade machines beep in the background]]

DAMIEN: To play this game you just stomp on it, right?

RAVEN: Yeah but you also have to look cool when you do it. Like an anime character.

DAMIEN: I can do that. Look at my bangs.

XAPHAN: Hello.

RAVEN: Um. Hi. What do you want?

XAPHAN: You mortals look like you appreciate… dark things.

DAMIEN: Yeah doi. We’re goth?

XAPHAN: I understand this urge. Do you wish to taste true darkness?

RAVEN: Sounds goth.

DAMIEN: I’m in.

XAPHAN: If you wish to deepen your knowledge of the arcane, if you wish to be taken seriously as a creature of the night, you must seek out wrongdoing with a dark passion, with a flame that cannot be extinguished. So all who look on it understand the depth of your darkness next to its brilliance. You must take hold of a piece of this world, forcing the matter of the universe into your own two hands, contorting its natural path, destroying it’s rightful trajectory, and through destruction, transform it into that which it was never meant to be.

RAVEN: Totally…

DAMIEN: Yeah… So wait, what?

[[SFX: XAPHAN’S voice becomes layered and demonic]]

XAPHAN: Set something on fire.

DAMIEN: Woah. That’s so goth. What should we burn?

XAPHAN: Umm… See that mortal over there?

RAVEN: That stoner playing hackeysack with himself?

XAPHAN: Yes. The thing he’s kicking? Take it.

RAVEN: You mean the hackeysack?

XAPHAN: Sure.

DAMIEN: And that will make us more goth?

XAPHAN: Yes.

RAVEN: Cool! Let’s do it.

[[SFX: Dialogue from a few feet away]]

RAVEN: Hey pothead! Gimme that!

STONER KID: Hey dude! That’s not tubular!

RAVEN: Let’s go out back and burn it!!

DAMIEN: Yeah! Goth for life! Hahahaha!!

[[SFX: Footsteps of DAMIEN and RAVEN exiting. Two sincoins ding into XAPHAN’s hand]]

XAPHAN: Asmoraius, I did it.

ASMORAIUS: That was actually extremely impressive. You convinced them that being a bully was goth. Classic.

XAPHAN: I got two. See? Double.

ASMORAIUS: Ooh, let’s read them. “Sin: Stealing a hackeysack from a stoner. Category 2781JJ Minor Sin.” 

XAPHAN: Hm!

ASMORAIUS: And the other one? “Sin: Setting a stolen hackeysack on fire, destroying it.” These are not bad, kid!

XAPHAN: I have learned.

ASMORAIUS: Very quickly, I might add.

XAPHAN: Now I have two. How many do you have?

ASMORAIUS: Oh, not many at all.

XAPHAN: Why? Are you bad at it?

ASMORAIUS: No. I’m actually quite good, I’d like to think. No, I just prefer living up on earth.

XAPHAN: Really?

ASMORAIUS: I’m not the only one. All of Mall Rat prefers it up here as well. The four of us have done our best to earn as few sin coins as physically possible, so we’ve been up here for… Wow, a few decades now. Time really flies.

XAPHAN Is that allowed?

ASMORAIUS: Well... Frowned upon, if you get caught. That's why when we met and realized we all wanted the same thing, we asked to be transferred to the same sector. Pennsylvania isn’t my favorite place on Earth, it is preferable to be among friends though.

XAPHAN: Friends….

ASMORAIUS: Yep. And that’s the story honey, you now know everything you need to know! Whew. All this teaching has really tuckered me out!

XAPHAN: So now what?

ASMORAIUS: Well. I think I might visit the Hot Topic for a little while.

XAPHAN: [gasps] Let’s go.

ASMORAIUS: Oh. Um. I actually was thinking about flying solo on this little venture? You know, I’m looking to put the moves on a rather fine- 

XAPHAN: Let’s go.

ASMORAIUS: No I mean… Hmm. Alright. Why don’t you take all of these game tokens Xaphan.

[[SFX: game tokens click as ASMORAIUS drops them into XAPHAN’S hands]]

ASMORAIUS: ...and go play some Dance Dance Retribution? That'll keep you busy.

XAPHAN: I shall dance the retribution until your return.

ASMORAIUS: Sure, yeah, do whatever you want. So long!

[[SFX: XAPHAN walks over to the arcade game and puts a token in, she places the other tokens down on a metal surface]]

ANNOUNCER VOICE: Select number of players!

[[SFX: XAPHAN stomping, and a “selection” sound]]

ANNOUNCER: Single player! Select Difficulty!

[[SFX: XAPHAN grunts, stomping]] 

ANNOUNCER: Beginner!

XAPHAN: No.

[[SFX: XAPHAN stomping]] 

ANNOUNCER: Medium!

XAPHAN: No.

[[SFX: XAPHAN stomping]]

ANNOUNCER: Difficult!

XAPHAN: No.

[[SFX: XAPHAN stomping]]

ANNOUNCER: ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE!!

XAPHAN: Yes. Let it begin.

[[SFX: The music from the arcade game speeds up and fades out. A guitar lick plays]]

-- SCENE 04 --

[[SFX: The guitar cuts out]]

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have ONE new message. Received FRIDAY, DECEMBER 24th at 3:33 AM.

XAPHAN: This is a phone? I found it in a box. On a pole. On the sidewalk? A phone is not Hell. It is for talking. I can press the numbers and talk? I do not fully understand this. I am Xaphan. Stoker of the Bellows of the Flames of Hell, and now, Hornblas’s replacement. On this day I have earned two sin coins. I have tasted the five finger corn dog. And though Asmoraius never returned from Hot Topic, I have mastered the “novice” level on Dance Dance Retribution. I have scratched the surface of the mystery of “knock knock”! The surface is strange. But I am not alone.

[[SFX: hangs up]]

[[MUSIC: Musical Outro - Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song plays over credits]]

-- CREDITS -- 

KRISTEN DIMERCURIO: Demons and Mortals alike, thank you so much for listening to episode three of Brimstone Valley Mall!

This show was written and directed by Kristen DiMercurio. Hey, that’s me!

It was co-written by Mark Wolf Roberts and Talia Rochmann.

This episode was sound designed by Jeffery Nils-Gardner, and recorded by Jared Paul and James Schoen.

In this episode you heard:

Asmoraius, played by Mark Wolf Roberts
Xaphan, played by Isa Braun
Raven, played by Jordan Cobb
Misroch, played by Elliot Gindi
Belzagor, played by Susannah Wilson
Damien, played by Christopher Trindade
Hornblas, played by Sheldon Brown
And the Mall Announcements, played by yours truly

Additional voices were played by Danny Irwin, and James Oliva.

Our theme music is written and performed by FM Buller.

Our show art was designed by Talia Rochmann.

Brimstone Valley Mall is produced by Kristen DiMercurio, with Production Consulting by Julia Schifini.

It’s Executive Produced by Mischa Stanton for the Whisperforge.

Again, we’d like to take a moment to thank some of the incredible patrons who made our show possibly by donating to our indiegogo. Without them, the show would not exist. So let’s give a demonic Hell handshake to: Marnie Warner, Elizabeth Thomas, Lia Brouillard, Haley M McAden, Andrew Juricek, Bob Raymonda, Zach Connolly, Eddie F, Alex Welch, Kelsi Cleary-Hammarstedt, Julian Haller, Kesha Nelson-Cofie, Desira Barnes, Abbey Payne, James Blazsko, and Sean McKettrick.

Want more good good demon content? You can follow us on twitter at bvmpod, and facebook, instagram, and tumblr at brimstonevalleymall.

Episode four of Brimstone Valley Mall will air on Thursday, January 16th.

Now head on over to the food court, because today’s Weiner World Special is: Chili Weiners. Just normal chili. So mushed up that even we don’t know what’s in it!